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I need help really, really bad.

121K views 356 replies 92 participants last post by  IIJokerII 
#1 ·
I'm 52 years old, have been married for 30 years and have 4 kids (8,10,12 & 14). Never cheated on my wife once ever. Lied to her about stopping smoking many times, stare at attractive women once in a while, but never, ever touched. My wife has been home many years raising our kids while I worked. She recently got a job as a school crossing guard, and all of a sudden has developed a social life again.
Yesterday, she dropped the bomb shell on me. She met a guy last September, started off casually with coffee at the diner for 4-5 weeks, a few days a week. Last get together, they jumped in his truck took a ride. Kissing, touching led to unprotected sex. She says she cried as soon as they got intimate and stopped doing it very quickly, at which point the guy yelled at her "why'd you start something you couldn't finish?". He had giver her a TracPhone which she eventually gave back so they could call each other and set up meetings without me knowing about it. Since this ended back end of last year, he disappeared. Can't find him by name, and he was on Long Island for work and had North Carolina plates. Said he loved her and wanted her to leave me. Things haven't always been good with us, normal marriage issues over the years, but never like this. She says this is the first and only time she's ever been with another guy since she met me. To make things worse, she now tested positive for Herpes 2, which I got tested for this morning and am awaiting results.
I don't have any friends to talk to about this, and have a lot of mixed emotions. Don't know if I'm more mad at the picture in my mind of them having sex in the back of his Denali, or the fact that she now has a disease she may have given me. It disgusts me to picture her naked with another guy, and all the things that led up to them getting physical that day. Also mad that I may never be able to have sex with her again because of the Herpes, and can't picture myself getting intimate with her, while I'll picture them together in my mind. This whole thing really rots. I feel like if I find him I'll kill him. I'm mad, embarrassed, grossed out, depressed and a little numb. When she told me yesterday in tears, I held her close and told her people make mistakes and as long as you learn from them we can work it out. By the time I got home from work, I was very angry, took my wedding ring off, and couldn't sleep at all last night, again picturing my wife naked, touching a strange guy is killing me.
Please help with some practical advice, as my life as I knew it just fell apart.
Thanks,
Larry
 
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#38 ·
It would be hard, but not impossible, to contract herpes during a one time encounter that didn't even last more than a minute or two. My ex told me she had herpes early on when we started dating. We didn't have unprotected sex until after marriage, and even then, it was 1 1/2 years before I contracted them. (In hindsight, not a wise decision, but what are you going to do?)

I will almost guarantee that she is lying to you and that she slept with this man many times. Her story is possible, but not at all probable.

Tough situation you're in. I don't know what I would do.
 
#42 ·
Check everything... phone records (I know she had a trac phone, but look at call logs and texting logs on her/your phone account), FB (if she has one), messaging logs... everything. Perhaps the reason she isn't telling you everything is because he is still in the picture.
 
#44 ·
You're not getting the whole truth...or maybe even close to it.

Doesn't know his name, or any other info. Bull.

Only happened once, and she stopped immediately. Bull. Oldest line in the book.

Do you really expect (even though she cheated) that your wife who you've known for 30 years would just fall into the back seat of a pickup with a guy after a few coffee dates? I doubt it highly. And that to facilitate these "coffee dates" he bought her a burner phone? Please.

She knew something was wrong (herpes), got tested, confirmed her fears, and came up with the most minimally forthcoming and minimally damaging story she could to explain what she KNEW you would find out eventually...that she caught an STD by sleeping with someone else.

Now she wants to walk away from consequences by telling you you are making it worse than it was, and are making it more painful. Painful for who....her? Tough crap if it's more painful for her. She caused it! Painful for you? No, she's doing that by not being completely forthcoming about everything that happened, and making your mind race over all of the unknowns.

I'd bet, when all is said and done, they had a months long physical affair. It is ridiculous for her to think you (or anyone else) is going to believe he bought her a phone when he was not getting something out of it outside of some conversation.

There's more. Dig deeper. Set up VAR's and check email and browsing history.

Sit her down and tell her she has one chance....(you to her): Listen carefully to every single word I say. Every one. You are now going to tell me every single detail of this. How many times. How long. Where. Who. How. I need to know all of this if I'm even going to consider moving on from it. You should consider that I may already know more than you think I know. If you lie about any of it, and I know or find out differently, I'm warning you that you have just lost your ONE CHANCE at reconcilliation. If you think I'm bullchitting, just try me. Now...tell me what REALLY happened. If you lie, we are DONE."

My guess is she will come out with substantially more detail and encounters. Either she does or doesn't. Once she's done, and she says she has told you the truth, look at your watch, and tell her "okay, let's go, we have an appointment". She'll say for what? Tell her "we are going to a private investigators office who I hired to do some digging and to give you a polygraph, and we're going to discuss the results of both of those tonight when you finish taking the test". Then drive to a nearby office building, park, and open your door to get out. Pause for a second. Look at her and tell her "before we head up, is there anything else I should know before we do this?"

By that time, you'll likely have something approaching the truth. Hopefully.
 
#48 ·
I am in a similar boat (21 years married, 4 kids, were faithful spouces throughout the marraige, found out spouse cheated).... the people here at TAMS call it like it is.... cheaters have the same script.... trickle truth, rugsweeping, gaslighting.... what you know is the tip of the iceberg (see photo that LordMayhem posted)..... I filed for D a month after i found out about the affair. I love my WH too and of course wish this never happened but it did and I have to do what I have to do.

Don't believe her.... it goes much deeper than you think.

As far as herpes.... can you know for sure you havent gotten it? Can the doctors/blood test show you absolutely didnt get it even if you havent has symptoms.

So sorry you are here. I am from LI too... maybe something in the water?
 
#49 ·
Yesterday, she dropped the bomb shell on me.

What prompted her to tell you now? Was it because she knew she had herpes and had to tell you before you found out you had it, too?

She met a guy last September, started off casually with coffee at the diner for 4-5 weeks, a few days a week.

This part really makes no sense. Your 50-year-old (approx) wife took a job as a crossing guard, having not worked outside the home. She met a guy. CASUAL. But she didn't mention one single time that she was having coffee with someone? Even though at that time, initially, supposedly there was no romance? Seems like a lie. He was putting the moves on her from the first moment and she did not deter him in any way. Maybe she put the moves on him. Either way, this did not start out as an innocent "talking to a nice man I met over coffee." There was romantic interest on your wife's part right from the start, or else she would have mentioned this to you.

Find out from your wife, how did he approach her for coffee? Or did she approach him? What did they talk about? And why didn't she mention it to you?

Last get together, they jumped in his truck took a ride. Kissing, touching led to unprotected sex. She says she cried as soon as they got intimate and stopped doing it very quickly, at which point the guy yelled at her "why'd you start something you couldn't finish?".

So, she got the herpes from this two-second insertion? This was their last get together?

The order of this is confusing and hard to make sense of.

They were meeting for coffee. At some point, it became romantic (from my reasoning above, it was romantic for your wife from day one). He gave her a burner phone so they could continue to meet up for coffee. WHY? They already were meeting up for coffee with no problem. Why would she need a burner phone to do something that was already not a problem without a burner phone? Ask your wife this question. Could it be that she was so in love with him that she wanted to be able to be in touch with him when they couldn't be together?

Ask your wife to write out a timeline of the affair. Dates and times of first time they met, when she first realized he was interested in her romantically, when she first realized she was interested in him romantically, when he gave her the burner phone, when she decided to have sex, when she had it, when she returned the burner phone, when the affair ended.

Another thing that doesn't make sense: she didn't know the guy's name, where he was living? Pretty basic stuff people who are meeting for coffee and having sex tell each other. He had North Carolina license plates, but she didn't ask him if he was from North Carolina or anything about his past? Having coffee and talking as much as they did? She knows a lot more about this guy than she is telling you. Also, they did it in a truck, why not in his house/apartment?

He had giver her a TracPhone which she eventually gave back so they could call each other and set up meetings without me knowing about it.

Her last meeting ever with this guy was when they had the two-second sex that gave her (and maybe you) herpes. Is this when she gave the TracPhone back?

Since this ended back end of last year, he disappeared.

So, to sum up their last meeting: two-second herpes sex in the back of his truck, him saying you're a dirty c**k-tease, give me my phone back, I'm outahere, poof, he's gone into thin air? Does this ending make sense to you?

More likely story: she and he discussed how they could keep in touch, she told him she thought of him all the time and wanted to text him when they weren't together, he suggested the TracPhone, they used it to text and sext each other, she texted him how much she loved him and wanted to spend her life with him, he texted her how much he wanted to have sex with her and how hot she was, they had sex many times, they had sex in his apartment or in your house, she pushed it too far and wanted a relationship with him, maybe wanted to leave you and move in with him, he only wanted to use her for sex, it was getting too complicated for him, so he dumped her. She's telling you now because she knows she has herpes and she has concocted this story about one two-second sexual encounter only because it is the most palatable way for her to explain to you how she got herpes.
 
#52 ·
Sorry I haven't been around since yesterday, but this has been ultimate hell. I sat down with her yesterday and talked for hours. She gave me his name, but I Googled everywhere I could and can't find him; probably a fake name. I figure he is predator, and predators always hunt in the same area and bring their prey to the same place. I parked for hours last night, and again this morning on the corner of Main Street looking for a blue Denali with North Carolina plates. Drove for hours around the area and found nothing. I will kill this guy if I find him. Have no doubt and I'll deal with the consequences later, but I will let him know why before I'm done. Where she was working that day is a quiet residential area. He'd have no business being there unless he lived there. If he's still in the area, I will find him.
I asked her, and she gave me all the gory details. He pulled up one morning at her crossing guard post, and just started chatting about their similar trucks. Came back later with coffee and donuts. He would meet her in the morning and afternoon at her stops, and they'd go to Dunkin' Donuts afterwards to talk. She said they talked about everything. He just showed up with the TracPhone and asked her to take it so he would know where she was at all times, so he could meet up with her. She returned the phone before the sex incident, as she said it felt too much like an affair and was afraid she'd get caught, but she called him and gave him her post schedule for the upcoming week so they wouldn't need to call each other. She estimates they had meetings at Dunkin' Donuts 20-25 times, but it never got physical.
At one meeting he suggested they jump in his truck and they went for a ride. He drove straight down to the East Islip marina, which nobody could ever find unless they were really familiar with the area.
He said he wanted to go in the back seat just to hug. She followed him and straddled his legs, and they tongue kissed for "10-15 minutes". Then he pulled down her shirt and started kissing her breasts. He unzipped his fly, and put her hand on his privates. She says she didn't suck or stroke it, just gently massaged and held it. Then she took off one shoe, pulled off one leg of her pants, slid her underwear over and they did it. She says she can't believe how she let her emotions take over her common sense. She said literally they screwed for 10 seconds, and she started crying, got off him and got dressed. He was yelling at her as she walked away from his truck. Then he pulled up next to her, and offered to drive her back to her truck. She actually got in and took the ride, saying they didn't speak the whole way back. That's the last she heard from him.
She did give me two numbers, which she thinks she remembers him calling from, from the TracPhone's caller ID, which I am calling over and over.
She blames me for ignoring her and turning my attentions away from her, and towards my motorcycle, my new motorcycle friends and my motorcycle websites. She says he paid attention to her, told her he loved her, and actually listened to her. She says she got caught up in the emotions and made a giant mistake. But she also told me she's lived with horrible guilt for 9 months, and wouldn't have told me if she didn't get the herpes, as she knew it would break my heart, but she swore she'd never done it before, and never would again.
She offered to leave me, so I could start a new life with someone else. She also offered to let me leave her. I think she feels remorseful and horrible for what she's done. I really want to believe her and make the best we can of this life, but its so hard getting the picture of the 2 of them out of my mind. I asked her what's to make me think she won't do it again in a moment of lonliness, anger of just happenstance, and she swears she would never do it again. She was hysterically crying for hours.
This has been the worst weekend of my life.
 
#53 ·
My ex h blamed me for all his misery and cheating. There was no way it was my fault.

This is no way your fault. There is no excuse in the world to justify cheating or her actions/words at this moment. She's blame shifting and trying to make you feel guilty, it makes her feel better. Ugh, I'm so very sorry that she turned your life upside down at this moment.

I bet if you were to make her leave, she'd think before she spoke up. I personally don't believe I'd stay with someone who betrayed me. I'm very firm on this since it's happened before. Infidelity is my #1 deal breaker in the marriage.

Pulling the 180 works well regardless how this will turn out. Even if your marriage doesn't pull through, the 180 will help you move on.
 
#60 ·
Why let him do this again? He's probably done this before and he'll probably do it again. He'll get what he deserves, and whatever happens, my wife can deal with it herself either way for the rest of her life. She brought this on the two of them, not me. Truthfully, the chances of me finding him are so slim, but I feel inside I have to try. She was actualy worried I might beat the crap out of her. And the thought did enter my mind. She's afraid if she rolls over in bed and touches me I might get violent. Last night, she slept on the floor. I've never hit her, and don't think I could, but its real hard to think straight when so many thoughts and pictures are in my mind at once. I now wrap a towel around myself when I get out of the shower, and get dressed in the bathroom. I don't even want her to see my body, and I certainly don't want to see hers. It just seems so "dirty" or "used" now. I have never had to deal with anything like this in my entire life, and really, as much as I appreciate everyone's advice, I'm not sure there's a right or wrong answer. What's right for you might not be right for me, and vice versa. I'm trying my best to not let the emotions get the best of me, and not to make any rash decisions, but it sure is difficult, and not getting any easier.
 
#80 ·
I don't agree... they met 20 - 25 times. That's a LOT of talking and coffee. It sounds like he was a predator.... looking to get laid. The fact that it took soooo long for her to do anything, says quite a lot about her character. Would you have gone on 20 dates with a girl, and not gotten angry when she balked at the sex? Naw, most guys wouldn't have waited 20 dates.

If her story is true.
 
#64 ·
Men like this OM in your life there are zillions. People who teake adventage of others. It's just a fact. Forget about him. Focus in what you wants out this marriage.
I have to say the now I think your wife's story sound plausible.
Hopely some other posters will post links to some info which may help you to difuse anger. There's very useful info from people who wore those shoes before you.
 
#68 ·
I know that at the moment you want to kill him. The thing you have to let sink in though is that the woman you spent 30 years married to willingly and enthusiastically went with this man to have sex on multiple occasions. Lord Mayhem is right..

The truth is always more ugly than they say. I had access to secret communications between Om and my ExW at the time and can tell you that if they tell you they definitely didn't do it.. They did.
She fell in love.. She got herpes. She did everything with him that she would never do with you. She had unprotected sex with a stranger many, many times.

It is her you need to be mad with. Not him.

She only told you because she had no choice. She may be feeling incredible guilt but that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Saying all this it is very, very hard to wipe away a 30 year partnership on even a year of infidelity.

Do not separate unless you want a Divorce right now. Let this sit a bit. Do nothing rash.

Keep posting. You have friends here. Do not show you wife this forum..
 
#69 ·
Keep your life simple.

Your wife is lying to you. She's not telling you who he is. She's is/was probably in a long term affair with someone.

Do your youngest kids look like you? A paternity on them is about $100 each.


Do not have sex with her since you do not want herpes (repeating what you wrote earlier). Each person's body react differently to herpes, dont take the chance to find out yours are worst.


Anyways, no sex and no trust mean no marriage as you know it.

And do you really want a woman who lost respect for you? Respect lost can seldom be regained. Well, at least not with the remaining lifetime you have where you can physically enjoy yourself.
 
#73 ·
Why didn't your wife tell you about this guy the first day it happened? Because she was thinking about him romantically from the very start? It is such a strange occurrence, she would have told you about it right away, if she didn't have romantic intentions right from the start.

Have you ever heard of a roving 50-ish man prowling the streets in the morning looking for 50-ish women crossing guards to bang? One that travels about 1,000 miles north of where he lives and stays until he finds someone? Who he doesn't tell his real name to or give his real number to? And willing to put in the time and effort of having coffee with them 20-25 times before even getting a kiss? Honestly, he doesn't sound like much of a predator.

Rocket, step back from this situation for a second and look at it from where I'm standing. What would you think if someone told you this story?
 
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