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I need help really, really bad.

121K views 356 replies 92 participants last post by  IIJokerII 
#1 ·
I'm 52 years old, have been married for 30 years and have 4 kids (8,10,12 & 14). Never cheated on my wife once ever. Lied to her about stopping smoking many times, stare at attractive women once in a while, but never, ever touched. My wife has been home many years raising our kids while I worked. She recently got a job as a school crossing guard, and all of a sudden has developed a social life again.
Yesterday, she dropped the bomb shell on me. She met a guy last September, started off casually with coffee at the diner for 4-5 weeks, a few days a week. Last get together, they jumped in his truck took a ride. Kissing, touching led to unprotected sex. She says she cried as soon as they got intimate and stopped doing it very quickly, at which point the guy yelled at her "why'd you start something you couldn't finish?". He had giver her a TracPhone which she eventually gave back so they could call each other and set up meetings without me knowing about it. Since this ended back end of last year, he disappeared. Can't find him by name, and he was on Long Island for work and had North Carolina plates. Said he loved her and wanted her to leave me. Things haven't always been good with us, normal marriage issues over the years, but never like this. She says this is the first and only time she's ever been with another guy since she met me. To make things worse, she now tested positive for Herpes 2, which I got tested for this morning and am awaiting results.
I don't have any friends to talk to about this, and have a lot of mixed emotions. Don't know if I'm more mad at the picture in my mind of them having sex in the back of his Denali, or the fact that she now has a disease she may have given me. It disgusts me to picture her naked with another guy, and all the things that led up to them getting physical that day. Also mad that I may never be able to have sex with her again because of the Herpes, and can't picture myself getting intimate with her, while I'll picture them together in my mind. This whole thing really rots. I feel like if I find him I'll kill him. I'm mad, embarrassed, grossed out, depressed and a little numb. When she told me yesterday in tears, I held her close and told her people make mistakes and as long as you learn from them we can work it out. By the time I got home from work, I was very angry, took my wedding ring off, and couldn't sleep at all last night, again picturing my wife naked, touching a strange guy is killing me.
Please help with some practical advice, as my life as I knew it just fell apart.
Thanks,
Larry
 
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#76 ·
I am also very, very skeptical of her story. It does a number of things very well (too well):

a) covers the facts in evidence (she has herpes, that must be explained ... so, she got it from another man)

b) shows her in the best possible light (only had sex one time, lasted 10 seconds before she started to cry and stopped - clearly, her conscience finally got the better of her - that and she started to think of her husband who she loves so much)

c) makes it impossible to even look for this other man (it was 9 months ago, he disappeared, she can't remember the phone numbers, the phone numbers don't work, it was a burner phone). Why, by the way, does she want to make it impossible to find the other man? Because if there were enough clues to make it worthwhile, R-Man would start digging and find out that there really isn't another man.

Now, some may say that there is one other story that would cover the facts and make it look even better: the OM forced himself on her. She never wanted to do it. [Let me stop right here before I get slammed. Rape is a horrible thing. "No" should always mean "No". No man ever has a right to 'take' what a woman is not willing to 'give'. I'm just hypothesizing on her story, here.] Anyway. Why not use this story? Because she knows her husband. Because she knows he would never stop until he found the guy. Because she knows he would involve the police and they would interview her and start going door-to-door in the neighborhood around her crossing guard post to see if anybody got the license of the OM's truck. This would quickly lead to truth: the OM in this story is a ghost, a phantom, a mirage. He only serves to keep the R-Man from digging any further and getting to the truth: the affair involved somebody local - somebody that they probably both know.

Now, R-Man, if this rings true for you, don't go off half-****ed. Your wife is going to stick to this story until the day she dies. If you want the truth out of her, you're going to have to do more than just ask her.

The question is, R-Man, do you want the truth?
 
#77 ·
Rocketman,

I was wondering about the timeline here. Did I read it right that your wife says that this happened 9 months ago and that she's had to live with it since then?

If so, how did your wife discover that she has herpes? Did she have symptoms and then go see her doctor OR did the herpes show up in a blood test?

If it was 9 months ago and she discovered the herpes due to symptoms then something is off. I just grabbed this off the web:


If symptoms do occur, they will usually appear 2 to 7 days after exposure and last 2 to 4 weeks. Both men and women may have one or more symptoms, including:

Itching or tingling sensations in the genital or anal area;
small fluid-filled blisters that burst leaving small painful sores (see STD pictures);
pain when passing urine over the open sores (especially in women);
headaches;
backache;
flu-like symptoms, including swollen glands or fever.


So, if it was 9 months ago and she did have herpes symptoms, then she had those symptoms 8 months ago. Seems odd that she didn't have them checked out (or it seems odd that she did have them checked out and kept it to herself for 8 months).

How did she find out about the herpes? (If you've answered in another post that I've missed, I apologize)
 
#78 ·
I am also very, very skeptical of her story. It does a number of things very well (too well):

a) covers the facts in evidence (she has herpes, that must be explained ... so, she got it from another man)

b) shows her in the best possible light (only had sex one time, lasted 10 seconds before she started to cry and stopped - clearly, her conscience finally got the better of her - that and she started to think of her husband who she loves so much)

c) makes it impossible to even look for this other man (it was 9 months ago, he disappeared, she can't remember the phone numbers, the phone numbers don't work, it was a burner phone). Why, by the way, does she want to make it impossible to find the other man? Because if there were enough clues to make it worthwhile, R-Man would start digging and find out that there really isn't another man.

Now, some may say that there is one other story that would cover the facts and make it look even better: the OM forced himself on her. She never wanted to do it. [Let me stop right here before I get slammed. Rape is a horrible thing. "No" should always mean "No". No man ever has a right to 'take' what a woman is not willing to 'give'. I'm just hypothesizing on her story, here.] Anyway. Why not use this story? Because she knows her husband. Because she knows he would never stop until he found the guy. Because she knows he would involve the police and they would interview her and start going door-to-door in the neighborhood around her crossing guard post to see if anybody got the license of the OM's truck. This would quickly lead to truth: the OM in this story is a ghost, a phantom, a mirage. He only serves to keep the R-Man from digging any further and getting to the truth: the affair involved somebody local - somebody that they probably both know.

Now, R-Man, if this rings true for you, don't go off half-****ed. Your wife is going to stick to this story until the day she dies. If you want the truth out of her, you're going to have to do more than just ask her.

The question is, R-Man, do you want the truth?


This sounds about right to me.

I wonder how much of the truth she wove into her lie.
 
#79 ·
Hey Rocket---time to stop this stupidity, of wanting the OM's hide---you are 52 yrs old, you probably will see a red haze, if you were to find him, and end up in jail, along with that, a giant portion of whatever you have for the future, moneywise---will go to atty's---so enuff of your, looking for her lover

Your beef, is with one person, and one person only---that is your wife

If she was so unhappy---she could have at anytime, come to you and FORCED you to listen to her, instead, she carries, on an A

Sadly, you are 52, and not far from your golden years, that you would have spent with your wife---now that is all gone---now replaced, by visions, looking at a conniving/decietful/lying/manipulating woman, who masquerades as your wife

At this point, do not let her sleep in the bedroom with you, put her in a small room somewhere in your house, throw all her clothes, and sundries, in there, and tell her this is where she can stay, till you figure out what you need to do

What I am saying may seem harsh, but it is nothing compared to what she has done to you, now, and for the rest of your life---for she will be the trigger, for these visions, and your misery, as long as she is there in front of you

She accused you of spending all your time, with your bike---well now is the time, to make that actually happen----she needs to know accountability, so let her really taste lonliness----

Otherwise---if you decide to take her back, set up your actionable boundaries---demand what you will of her, have her sign a POST--NUP, and let's see how remorseful she can really be, and how much heavy lifting she is really willing to do

The question again being---can you really even look at/want to touch/talk to---this woman, who claims to be your wife----If you can't, to any of those things---you will be roommates, and not a married couple, and that is not something you may want to endure either!!!!!
 
#81 ·
She shouldn't went on dates with him 20-25 times in the first place if she had any character, and yes, those are dates. If she had any morals it she would have said "No, I can't do that. I'm a married woman". But she didn't. She continued to go on dates with the OM behind Rocketman's back. The BWs here too have had opportunities to cheat, but they didn't. They turn other men down immediately.
 
#82 ·
Rocketman,

Her story is extremely unlikely and I think deep down you know this. It would be almost unheard of for her to contract herpes after 10 seconds of penetration. Is it possible that some guy saw her and figured she was an easy conquest? Sure it is. But there are literally thousands of those type of guys out there. What are you going to do, hunt them all down? The fact is that if her boundaries were strong this never would have happened. And you know that after most of those coffee dates she didn't just get up and come home. A man like that is not going to just continue to lavish his attention on a "mark" without making progress. If you've ever read anything about "game" you would know that after three dates if the woman isn't putting out the player moves on. Each time you sit down with her a little more will come out but unless you shake up the situation (i.e. threaten a polygraph, run the 180 hard, etc) you aren't going to get the entire truth.
 
#83 ·
The 20-25 dates tells me this was an affair.

They shared many personal things during 20-25 dates, talking at the coffee shop. She would have gotten to know him pretty well. Each time they met, she was cheating.

It wouldn't really matter to me if they had sex the one time like she says or many times.

I think an EA followed by sex is much worse than a one night stand. I can somewhat understand a wife who gets pissed off at her husband, gets drunk, and hooks up with a stranger. But a wife who meets with someone 20-25 times and shares all her feelings with is worse. A one time lapse in judgement vs a lifestyle of cheating.
 
#84 ·
Her story still makes no sense.

She is still lying. All she has done is embellish the lie.

I have seen this behavior too many times to count. "Oh crap, my lie isnt being believed. I'll add more detail. Maybe that will make it more believable."

I would go with the poly.

And blaming you? Please................
 
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#85 ·
And leave the other mystery guy with no name (OMG is your wife a horrible liar, BTW) alone. He didn't assault your wife. She voluntarily participated in whatever actually happened.

Your beef is with your wife, and she proved by her actions that she isn't worth any trouble for you. Your anger should be with her, not some other guy.
 
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#86 ·
Exactly right. Unless the guy is continuing to pursue her he is of no immediate consequence. The focus should be on eliciting the truth from his wife since he still doesn't have it yet. If Rocketman's wife was truly remorseful she would be assisting him by disclosing the name of her AP so they he can be exposed if that is something Rocketman needs to do to get past this betrayal. By keeping his name a secret she is in fact protecting her AP and putting his well being above her husband's and her marriage. At this point I would be more concerned about whether she is taking her affair underground or putting it on hold until her husband cools off and becomes complacent again.
 
#88 ·
She gave me his name, Daniel Halvrey. She said he told her it several times, and she saw it on an alumimum clipboard in his truck. Tried to find him any way I could but to no avail. I've also been reading tons of things about Herpes. Some people get symptoms between a couple of days and a couple of weeks. Some never get symptoms. Folks spread it without even knowing they have it. It apparently can be spread (both Herpes 1 & 2) by kissing, oral and other sex, and just by touching as the virus stays alive on your skin, and you don't have to have open sores or outbreaks to pass it on, as I'm sure she would have seen sores on him before hand. This is from 2 doctors and the CDC website, as well as many others. So maybe she did get it from 10 seconds of penetration, maybe from 15 minutes of tongue swapping, maybe from her holding his penis, maybe from him sucking on her breasts. It doesn't really matter as she has it and that's done.
I left this morning at 7:30am for a 6 hour motorcycle ride upstate New York to try and clear my head and do some soul searching. It didn't help. I just keep asking why did she do this? She more than ripped out my heart, she shattered it. I have nothing left. She killed my best friend of 30 years. She took away my past and destroyed my future. As I was riding, I passed many places we had ridden together before, and thought of many things we did together-never to happen again. She's not the same person she was before this weekend. She insists her story is true and has agreed to a polygraph, although I don't know how that will really help, it can only get worse if she's still lying. She says it started off as a friendship, just meeting and talking, and she felt comfortable having someone listen to her and pay her some attention. Sex came up in the conversation, but she said she couldn't do that because she was married, not because it was wrong, but just because she couldn't. She said she didn't plan the sex, it just happened and she hated it. I hate to say it, but I kind of believe her. If it was planned, she would have taken all her clothes off, not just one pants leg. She also would have gone to a hotel, rather than taking a chance of getting caught in a public parking lot. I also think, she would have had a shred of common sense and stopped to pick up a condom on the way. She may be a cheater, but she's really not an idiot. But she sure planned the meetings, she sure had her mind together shen she straddled him in the back seat, and she had ample opporunity to stop this before it eventually led to sex. Anyway, them kissing, him sucking her breasts and her handling his penis seems like sex already happened to me. Putting it in was just the icing on the cake-the deed had already been done. She insists they just became really good friends, but in all the time I've known her, she's never had sex with any of the other "good" friends. I don't get this, and I am torn apart. My life as I knew it has ended, and I don't know what the future has in store for me, her or us.
 
#89 ·
She says it started off as a friendship, just meeting and talking, and she felt comfortable having someone listen to her and pay her some attention. Sex came up in the conversation, but she said she couldn't do that because she was married, not because it was wrong, but just because she couldn't. She said she didn't plan the sex, it just happened and she hated it. I hate to say it, but I kind of believe her. If it was planned, she would have taken all her clothes off, not just one pants leg. She also would have gone to a hotel, rather than taking a chance of getting caught in a public parking lot. I also think, she would have had a shred of common sense and stopped to pick up a condom on the way. She may be a cheater, but she's really not an idiot. But she sure planned the meetings, she sure had her mind together shen she straddled him in the back seat, and she had ample opporunity to stop this before it eventually led to sex. Anyway, them kissing, him sucking her breasts and her handling his penis seems like sex already happened to me. Putting it in was just the icing on the cake-the deed had already been done. She insists they just became really good friends, but in all the time I've known her, she's never had sex with any of the other "good" friends. I don't get this, and I am torn apart. My life as I knew it has ended, and I don't know what the future has in store for me, her or us.
Um, friend, she is lying. It was full blown sex, planned and premeditated. No mistake that it was also unprotected...she wanted to feel everything. This crap she is feeding is the oldest dodge in the cheaters handbook. Tell her you know she is lying, you know she had full on nasty sex with the guy, and if she does not fess up to all the gory details....you are gone and the marriage is over.
 
#92 ·
OK--Rocket--lets assume, your wife, has it all together,and is a smart, grown, mature woman

WHAT THE F DID SHE THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN WHEN THE GUY ASKED HER TO GO INTO HIS BACK SEAT

She knew what he was asking for, even as she left the front seat, and went to the back seat---she knew she was at that point in time, if no other, that she was going to wreck, your life/her life/your childrens lives, and affect every other member of your families---AND SHE STILL WENT

What did she think, was gonna happen when he positioned her, or she climbed on his lap---ONCE AGAIN SHE F'ING KNEW WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN---AND SHE WENT FOR IT---she didn't hate it, she didn't dislike it---SHE WANTED IT

As for the 20-25 dates, the planned meetings, while you innocently worked, and knew nothing----believe me---if this guy wanted sex, he wasn't gonna wait 20 to 25 times to get it---what PUA, takes 25 times to make his score---and who is going to a coffee shop 25 different times, to just talk

Your wife is still cheating on you to this moment, by lies of OMISSION

Your life, your wife---but I surely can't see how there is any love involved tween the two of you anymore---if it is, please explain what kind of a love it could even be?????
 
#93 ·
I've also been reading tons of things about Herpes. Some people get symptoms between a couple of days and a couple of weeks. Some never get symptoms. Folks spread it without even knowing they have it. It apparently can be spread (both Herpes 1 & 2) by kissing, oral and other sex, and just by touching as the virus stays alive on your skin, and you don't have to have open sores or outbreaks to pass it on, as I'm sure she would have seen sores on him before hand. This is from 2 doctors and the CDC website, as well as many others. So maybe she did get it from 10 seconds of penetration, maybe from 15 minutes of tongue swapping, maybe from her holding his penis, maybe from him sucking on her breasts. It doesn't really matter as she has it and that's done.

It matters that she tells you the truth about the extent of her affair.

She insists her story is true and has agreed to a polygraph,

Schedule the polygraph as soon as possible. Any decision you make should be made on the truth of the situation. Get the pain over with as soon as you can, then you can make a decision whether to reconcile or not.


Although I don't know how that will really help, it can only get worse if she's still lying.

Knowing the truth will help you decide whether to reconcile or not. Just knowing whether she has continued to lie to you will tell you more about what you're dealing with going forward.
 
#94 ·
She insists her story is true and has agreed to a polygraph, although I don't know how that will really help, it can only get worse if she's still lying.
For you to move on from this you need to believe you have the truth. If it gets worse, it gets worse. That is her choice. If she is in fact minimizing things, she needs to come clean. There will be nothing worse for you than the constant wondering about what happened. As long as you feel you don't have the truth, you're going to wonder.

It may have happened just like she said, but I'm still doubting it. Two things jump out at me...the burner phone and the herpes. Why the burner phone if it was a one time thing. There needs to be some clarification on that. Was the phone given before the sex? And why did she feel a need to hide her contact with him before this if there was no sex? You see...this just didn't happen. Maybe it was a one time physical thing, but the EA (emotional affair) was going on long before that at a minimum. Why would she need to hide "coffee with a friend" from you by way of a burner phone?

And the herpes. Yes, she could have gotten it from a one time thing...if he was somewhere in the breakout phase. Then it could be passed on quite easily from one contact. However, would he, knowing he was in this phase, chose that night to have unprotected sex with your wife? Unless he's a real douche (and he may be...more to follow on that), I find that hard to believe. Yes, many people have it and do not know. They do not know because the do not break out. In the absence of a break out or symptoms, the chance of passing it is much less on a "per contact" basis. Still possible, but the risk is much less. I read that in the absence of symptoms, and without condoms or meds, the chance of passing it on is about 10 percent....IN A YEAR of regular sex. Condoms drops that to about 4 percent. Condoms and the anti viral meds for herpes drops it to about 1 to 2 percent chance of transmission. In a year of regular sex. Those are the numbers I recall, they may be off a little.

Now, this is going from memory, but I'm pretty sure I'm about right. I had an STD scare a couple years ago, and did a TON of research, and had myself convinced I had it. Thankfully, all testing when that happened followed by three and six months later showed I had nothing to worry about, but man, did I get an education on this stuff.

So, this brings me to my point. There are two options as I see it. Best case for you is this: She is telling the truth. This guy who's name she gave you does not exist because he lied to her about his name. He is a predator who has a little gig he does...he preys on lonely middle aged housewives. He does his crossing guard thing, and that is his "in". He befriends them, plays them, gives them what they want and they are not getting at home (somebody who listens to them, and romance and excitement), and once he has them into him, he moves in for the kill (sex). He'll only do so much to keep her interested, and if and when he finds out the sex is not going to be there, he ditches them. Sound familiar? Did she not say he left in a huff and called her a c0ck tease when she stopped him...never to hear from him again? Hmmm. Food for thought.

Now, in the above scenario with this predator type guy...who has lied about his name and had only sexual motives. He has herpes and knows he does. Would this guy have unprotected sex with someone when he knew he was in a very contagious phase? You bet your azz he would. Because he doesn't care, and his victim does not know anything about him (because he lied about his name). In this scenario, yes, it could be very likely she caught it off of a very short, one time contact.

Would this guy give her a burner phone to speed things along and get to his goal of sex? Sure he would. The more "secrets" from her husband he can get her to commit to, the closer he is to his goal of sex, and exciting her with the "naughty" factor.

Now, the second scenario....

She has had a long term affair with this guy...and he is local, and you may know him. It may have started out innocent, but she got caught up in the "fog" and excitement. This would explain the phone and the herpes (long time affair, greater chance of infection over time), as well as the fact she does not want to tell you the truth about who he is because she's afraid you'll kill the guy, OR it will end what could still be an ongoing affair. Remember, she ONLY came to you with this when she KNEW you were going to find out eventually anyway...because of the STD. If it were not for this STD she caught, SHE WOULD HAVE LIKELY NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS. She did not tell you after it ended (if it in fact has), she told you about it when she knew she was caught and there was no way out. It was only a matter of time until you knew. Impossible to hide forever.

I don't know man, you know your wife better than anyone. But until you can resolve this question for yourself, you'll not be able to move on from it. I'm not a big proponent of polygraphs because I've seen enough of them to know there are serious faults in the process depending on the examiner and questions asked. To me the polygraph results would answer no real questions for me. What it would do (making her submit to a polygraph) is likely get the truth from her prior to her doing so. It is a tool to get at the truth...not a tool that with all certainty reveals the truth. It would seriously suck to end a marriage over a "lie" a polygraph examiner detected, only to find out there was no lie at all.

She may be telling you most of the truth (if the first scenario is the true one), but you need to talk to her, get her to open up, and get all the facts in a way that make you logically believe she is telling the truth. Right now she is not doing that as her story does not seem entirely plausible. And you need to know if you're dealing with wife #1, or wife #2. For me....wife in scenario #1 may....may get a second chance. Wife in scenario #2? No freakin' way. Wife #1 got caught up in the moment, fell to a predator, and made a mistake (a huge one, yes). Wanted to hide it because she thought it of no consequence to you. Until she found out there would be a consequence to you (STD). Wife #2 is a lying, scheming, manipulative piece of crap who continues to hide the truth and could never be trusted again.

Listen...there are guys out there who are GOOD....well, not good, GREAT at what they do...getting women in bed. They are pick up artists. And I believe that many women, even if they do not think so themselves, could fall victim to them given the right set of circumstances. And once they make their conquest, they're off to the next target. You want an education? Start reading on some of the PUA (pick up artist) forums. These guys are great at what they do...and a woman who feels it is impossible to fall victim to them are kidding themselves. They need to be aware these guys exist so they see them coming from a distance, and not when she suddenly finds herself with her top off in the back of a damn pickup or cheap hotel.
 
#95 ·
Thank you Donny for your repsponse. I think it hits the nail on the head. I thank all of you for your responses. I feel like I at least have friends to talk to, or I'd just explode inside. I know it sounds stupid to say "I know my wife after 30 years of being with her" after the latest events we've all been discussing, but I truly, in my heart think she's wife #1. I think me ignoring her and substituting my bike and riding to get away from the humdrum of home life and non-stop work made her very lonely and just craving attention. I think this guy strummed all the right strings to take advantage of her lonliness. True, he invested a lot of time in her hoping to get laid, and I guess she fell for his words hook, line and sinker. I don't think she expected any long term relationship out of this, and I think she truly thought she was making a new friend or confidant, and was afraid to tell me because she knows how jealous I am. Not for any reason, but I don't even like other guys looking sideways at my wife. I really think the emotions or heat of the moment got her, and she had second thoughts right at the end. Hard to put in words why I think it, but I do. I can see it in her eyes, and hear it in her voice. I think she realizes we've hit rock bottom, and it could get worse if she lied any further. So I think the lies are done. Even though a polygraph is not 100% accurate, she's willing to try it. Where do I go to get her one, and how do I write up the questions the examiner gives her? That itself should be a thrill...holy crap!
 
#108 ·
Thank you Donny for your repsponse. I think it hits the nail on the head. I thank all of you for your responses. I feel like I at least have friends to talk to, or I'd just explode inside. I know it sounds stupid to say "I know my wife after 30 years of being with her" after the latest events we've all been discussing, but I truly, in my heart think she's wife #1. I think me ignoring her and substituting my bike and riding to get away from the humdrum of home life and non-stop work made her very lonely and just craving attention. I think this guy strummed all the right strings to take advantage of her lonliness. True, he invested a lot of time in her hoping to get laid, and I guess she fell for his words hook, line and sinker. I don't think she expected any long term relationship out of this, and I think she truly thought she was making a new friend or confidant, and was afraid to tell me because she knows how jealous I am. Not for any reason, but I don't even like other guys looking sideways at my wife. I really think the emotions or heat of the moment got her, and she had second thoughts right at the end. Hard to put in words why I think it, but I do. I can see it in her eyes, and hear it in her voice. I think she realizes we've hit rock bottom, and it could get worse if she lied any further. So I think the lies are done.
Now you're the one rationalizing her affair and making her out to be a victim, just like a few other BSs here. This isn't unusual though.

Even though a polygraph is not 100% accurate, she's willing to try it. Where do I go to get her one, and how do I write up the questions the examiner gives her? That itself should be a thrill...holy crap!
Don't let anyone sway you about the polygraph test. They'll say its inaccurate and it's not allowed in court. Well guess what...eye witness testimony is notoriously unreliable, yet that's admissible in court. Think about it.

Look in your local yellow pages for one. A simple search for polygraph tests will bring up the examiners in your area.

The questions you submit for a polygraph have to be "yes" or "no" questions. Avoid opinionated questions and questions asking a quantity, which will yield inconclusive results. Avoid long winded questions as well. They should be short, to the point, simple Yes/No questions.

Examples:
Good question: Did you have sex with OM?
Bad question: How many times did you have sex with OM?

You get the picture.
 
#96 ·
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#98 ·
For his sake, I hope that is not so, but it may be. That is the greatest power of the polygraph and why it is a good "tool" in a bag of many tools to use to get to the truth. A good examiner will get the truth out of many people before the exam even starts. In an instance like this, where the polygraph's revealing of a lie will have greater consequences than the person coming clean with the truth, the fear the polygraph causes can often bring out the truth in a person without ever getting the machine hooked up.

If he sets it up, by the time they walk in the front door of the examiner, I'd imagine he can be pretty confident he has most of the truth. But she has to believe it is happening, it is not a bluff, and she'll be found out if she's lying.

Having said that, I'd not subject my W to one if she had an affair, as I am not a huge believer in them (have seen with my own eyes how someone telling the truth can be found deceptive. But I would use the fear of that possibility to get as much truth out of her as possible.

As for forgiveness and moving on...that is why you need to know the truth of this. Is this completely out of her nature and she fell victim to a predatory guy? All else being ok in the marriage, I'd work on the marriage with her, and try to work towards forgiveness. If it was not that, and she's continuing to deceive, THAT I don't believe I could ever get over. I'd never trust her again.
 
#99 ·
You know, for the last 6 years I've been one of 8 Moderators running an international website for a specific brand and model of motorycle. We have inadvertently become our own support group, and technical & personal advice column, and I have made some of the best friends (I'll never meet) in my entire life in such a short time. Once a year about 30 of us get together somewhere in the Northeast to meet, eat and ride, and its really cool putting faces to the virtual folks I just chat with on line. That may never happen here, and I may agree or disagree with some or all of your advice, but I truly do appreciate the support and the comeradery you've all shown me in such a short time and the ability to open up and vent. That in and of itself is therapy and a start to healing. Thanks to all no matter how this mess ends.
 
#101 ·
Hey Rocket---go to your closest police station---they use them more than anyone else---they know who the best operators are cuz---those are the operators they use---the operator will tell you what he needs, once you set it all up

Don't tell her till the day prior, so she doesn't know what will hit her---that way the whole thing will have more effect
 
#102 ·
She works for the closest police station, so if its OK, I may have to find one a little farther from home. I don't need this thing getting out on the 5 o'clock news. It sucks bad enough right now. Kids will hopefully never know, so I have to keep it as low key as possible.
P.S. MattMatt, if you know me from the other site, I'm relying on you to be discrete.
Thanks,
RM
 
#103 ·
Rocketman,

If you're using the same handle on another website, contact a moderator now and have your handle (display name) changed here to something else. If someone googles "Rocketman" because they saw you on the other site and are looking for more info, it could bring up posts from this site in the search.
 
#104 ·
Alot of folks are going off on this and that and they have every right to. But brother let me tell you that in time it will all come together with or with out your wife.

The neat thing about time is it always gives us the answer, what sucks is waiting for it. So go get some IC and find the tools that will help you thru. I mean it may bring to a healthier marriage it may be a new chapter in a single life. The point is time will tell.

I think a poly is another great tool to help you in the process. It won't change the fact that "it" happened period but like many here it is a process and a stage and an action we take as individuals. We all have are different approachs...so yes there is no right or wrong answer...it is the action that we as individuals need to take.

Some guys agree to confronting OM some guys don't but as individuals we have our own process. Same with polies and details, some folks need them somefolks don't.


So please remember as painful as it is, its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that count.
 
#107 ·
If I remember right, you said you tried to call the OM. Did you use her phone? Did you try texting from her phone?

Did you try the number on spokeo.com. He may have a buner phone too to keep it from his wife.

I'm not suggesting this so you can hunt him down but his wife needs to know what he is doing.
 
#109 ·
I am so sorry to hear this. I am going through the almost exact same thing with my wife at the moment. I have not yet been out to be tested for STD's but I know I should soon. My world feels as if it has been pulled in half with the halfs still wanting to fight.

One thing I would like to relay you from my experience knowing who the OM is, will not really help you get through this any faster. I know who my wifes A was with and all I have is uncontrolable urge to do him bodily harm. It is not worth it "atleast that is what I keep telling myself" this is between you two.
 
#122 ·
The Anger issues will calm down with time and with talking it out with someone. That is very important. I kept thinking about my kids having to visit me in jail and that stopped me cold.

Doing something physical will help. I have done three things that will help. The batting cages, driving range, and I have gone shooting with some friends. I put his face on everything I hit and shoot. They have no idea why I am smiling from ear to ear.

I understand about the STD test. I would not go to my doctor so I went to a clinic. A real low spot in my life. I have let my wife know about that one over and over again
 
#110 ·
IF her story is true, this guy needs to be exposed. Do you have a light weight current affair programme that would interview her & do a face block out & voice change? I know the ones in Australia like Today Tonight or a Current Affair would be all over a story of a predator like a rash. Tell her that he needs to be exposed to prevent what happened to her happening again & that there are probably other women out there in the same situation. That is, IF she is telling the truth.
Ask her if she has seen the Arnie movie "True Lies". If not, watch it together & see her reaction when Jamie Lee Curtis is being wooed by a slime ball.
 
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