I am so sorry you are going through this. We are about in the same boat as being married 29 years and being 51.
Your first steps need to be about you. I know you want to kill the other guy. I still have those feelings but what keeps it in check is my kids. I do not want them to have to deal with that type of problem in their lives.
Get your self to a Dr right away get a full check up. My heart rate was screwed up, sleeping and eating and all the rest. The mind movies are also tough to deal with. When it comes up think about your kids.
Decide later what you want to do about your marriage. Place yourself and your kids at the head of the list. Your wife did not think about you or your kids when she jumped into the sack with that POS. So she is at the back of the bus right now.
Go see an IC soon. It helped with my anger it was over the top. Read all you can and talk it out with the people here most are BS and we can relate to what you are going through.
I'm 52 years old, have been married for 30 years and have 4 kids (8,10,12 & 14). Never cheated on my wife once ever. Lied to her about stopping smoking many times, stare at attractive women once in a while, but never, ever touched. My wife has been home many years raising our kids while I worked. She recently got a job as a school crossing guard, and all of a sudden has developed a social life again.
Yesterday, she dropped the bomb shell on me. She met a guy last September, started off casually with coffee at the diner for 4-5 weeks, a few days a week. Last get together, they jumped in his truck took a ride. Kissing, touching led to unprotected sex. She says she cried as soon as they got intimate and stopped doing it very quickly, at which point the guy yelled at her "why'd you start something you couldn't finish?". He had giver her a TracPhone which she eventually gave back so they could call each other and set up meetings without me knowing about it. Since this ended back end of last year, he disappeared. Can't find him by name, and he was on Long Island for work and had North Carolina plates. Said he loved her and wanted her to leave me. Things haven't always been good with us, normal marriage issues over the years, but never like this. She says this is the first and only time she's ever been with another guy since she met me. To make things worse, she now tested positive for Herpes 2, which I got tested for this morning and am awaiting results.
I don't have any friends to talk to about this, and have a lot of mixed emotions. Don't know if I'm more mad at the picture in my mind of them having sex in the back of his Denali, or the fact that she now has a disease she may have given me. It disgusts me to picture her naked with another guy, and all the things that led up to them getting physical that day. Also mad that I may never be able to have sex with her again because of the Herpes, and can't picture myself getting intimate with her, while I'll picture them together in my mind. This whole thing really rots. I feel like if I find him I'll kill him. I'm mad, embarrassed, grossed out, depressed and a little numb. When she told me yesterday in tears, I held her close and told her people make mistakes and as long as you learn from them we can work it out. By the time I got home from work, I was very angry, took my wedding ring off, and couldn't sleep at all last night, again picturing my wife naked, touching a strange guy is killing me.
Please help with some practical advice, as my life as I knew it just fell apart.
Thanks,
Larry
I feel sorry that you are here. I do understand your mental state, as I have gone through it many times in last 25 years (because of my WW).
There are many invisible things in your case:
the OM (Truck driver): invisible
his phone number: invisible
his name: invisible
his address: invisible
Only one thing that is visible: Herpes
I think all other posters are right. This is not a one time small incident. In addition to what others have said:
1. Did she cry because they couldn't finish the act due to herpes (pain), or did she remembered your love that time ?
2. Was it him that gave her the herpes, or was it a shock even to him?
3. Did he leave her due to the same thing?
One thing that I read somewhere is: " Herpes is usually tracked back to your latest sexual partner because of the typical time it takes (1-3 weeks) to have an out break."
If that is true (I am not sure), then how could it be related to last September?
Look, she is not going to tell you the whole truth if life just continues. You have to either demand a polygraph like Beowulf described, or you just need to go completely cold and dark on her. Or do a hard 180 (someone please post the link to the 180).
When you do this, your wife will wonder what the heck is wrong, why you aren't being affectionate, why you are only talking "business" with her. It will drive her nuts while you will feel stronger.
If I were in your shoes, I would completely ignore her until she broke. If she pleads, just say, "Talking to you is pointless until I hear the full truth. Until then, expect nothing from me."
Rocket, I've been around this site and others for a few years now and hands down, male or female, the people that make the purest decision are the ones who heal the best! She wouldn't do it your way so she should embrace the highway, pronto!
It would be hard, but not impossible, to contract herpes during a one time encounter that didn't even last more than a minute or two. My ex told me she had herpes early on when we started dating. We didn't have unprotected sex until after marriage, and even then, it was 1 1/2 years before I contracted them. (In hindsight, not a wise decision, but what are you going to do?)
I will almost guarantee that she is lying to you and that she slept with this man many times. Her story is possible, but not at all probable.
Tough situation you're in. I don't know what I would do.
But still highly contagious and if he wants a D. Good luck finding a new wife who is willing to take on Herpes.
This is really hard to believe, but if she likes you enough, she'll overlook the herpes. It sounds crazy, but I've gotten more action with herpes since my divorce (I tell my partners) than I ever did before my marriage.
It sounds crazy, but it's true. Look at Derek Jeter. Tons of women have rationalized away their fear of herpes to sleep with him!
But still highly contagious and if he wants a D. Good luck finding a new wife who is willing to take on Herpes.
Okay, not really the time to get into this... you just got your heart ripped out.
But in time, do some research, and talk to your doctor.
The sad truth is... lots of people can have herpes for years with no symptons, and then they have an outbreak.
If you test positive, there is a chance you've had it for a long time. I only mention this because she is likely to come to that conclusion soon as well. She may think you gave it to her, and there may be no way of knowing. And you may think she cheated a long time. It's a mind warp. So yeah, it can get worse.
She has it. Drugs will help her, It does not mean you cannot have sex with her. But you need to educate yourself about it, so does she, and it is what it is.
It's a real socially digusting thing, but that's a mental attitude. It's waaay more common than you think. People just don't think they have it unless they have an outbreak. Seek educated help for it, that's all I'm saying.
Check everything... phone records (I know she had a trac phone, but look at call logs and texting logs on her/your phone account), FB (if she has one), messaging logs... everything. Perhaps the reason she isn't telling you everything is because he is still in the picture.
You're not getting the whole truth...or maybe even close to it.
Doesn't know his name, or any other info. Bull.
Only happened once, and she stopped immediately. Bull. Oldest line in the book.
Do you really expect (even though she cheated) that your wife who you've known for 30 years would just fall into the back seat of a pickup with a guy after a few coffee dates? I doubt it highly. And that to facilitate these "coffee dates" he bought her a burner phone? Please.
She knew something was wrong (herpes), got tested, confirmed her fears, and came up with the most minimally forthcoming and minimally damaging story she could to explain what she KNEW you would find out eventually...that she caught an STD by sleeping with someone else.
Now she wants to walk away from consequences by telling you you are making it worse than it was, and are making it more painful. Painful for who....her? Tough crap if it's more painful for her. She caused it! Painful for you? No, she's doing that by not being completely forthcoming about everything that happened, and making your mind race over all of the unknowns.
I'd bet, when all is said and done, they had a months long physical affair. It is ridiculous for her to think you (or anyone else) is going to believe he bought her a phone when he was not getting something out of it outside of some conversation.
There's more. Dig deeper. Set up VAR's and check email and browsing history.
Sit her down and tell her she has one chance....(you to her): Listen carefully to every single word I say. Every one. You are now going to tell me every single detail of this. How many times. How long. Where. Who. How. I need to know all of this if I'm even going to consider moving on from it. You should consider that I may already know more than you think I know. If you lie about any of it, and I know or find out differently, I'm warning you that you have just lost your ONE CHANCE at reconcilliation. If you think I'm bullchitting, just try me. Now...tell me what REALLY happened. If you lie, we are DONE."
My guess is she will come out with substantially more detail and encounters. Either she does or doesn't. Once she's done, and she says she has told you the truth, look at your watch, and tell her "okay, let's go, we have an appointment". She'll say for what? Tell her "we are going to a private investigators office who I hired to do some digging and to give you a polygraph, and we're going to discuss the results of both of those tonight when you finish taking the test". Then drive to a nearby office building, park, and open your door to get out. Pause for a second. Look at her and tell her "before we head up, is there anything else I should know before we do this?"
By that time, you'll likely have something approaching the truth. Hopefully.
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Re: I need help really, really bad. 
