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I need help really, really bad.

121K views 356 replies 92 participants last post by  IIJokerII 
#1 ·
I'm 52 years old, have been married for 30 years and have 4 kids (8,10,12 & 14). Never cheated on my wife once ever. Lied to her about stopping smoking many times, stare at attractive women once in a while, but never, ever touched. My wife has been home many years raising our kids while I worked. She recently got a job as a school crossing guard, and all of a sudden has developed a social life again.
Yesterday, she dropped the bomb shell on me. She met a guy last September, started off casually with coffee at the diner for 4-5 weeks, a few days a week. Last get together, they jumped in his truck took a ride. Kissing, touching led to unprotected sex. She says she cried as soon as they got intimate and stopped doing it very quickly, at which point the guy yelled at her "why'd you start something you couldn't finish?". He had giver her a TracPhone which she eventually gave back so they could call each other and set up meetings without me knowing about it. Since this ended back end of last year, he disappeared. Can't find him by name, and he was on Long Island for work and had North Carolina plates. Said he loved her and wanted her to leave me. Things haven't always been good with us, normal marriage issues over the years, but never like this. She says this is the first and only time she's ever been with another guy since she met me. To make things worse, she now tested positive for Herpes 2, which I got tested for this morning and am awaiting results.
I don't have any friends to talk to about this, and have a lot of mixed emotions. Don't know if I'm more mad at the picture in my mind of them having sex in the back of his Denali, or the fact that she now has a disease she may have given me. It disgusts me to picture her naked with another guy, and all the things that led up to them getting physical that day. Also mad that I may never be able to have sex with her again because of the Herpes, and can't picture myself getting intimate with her, while I'll picture them together in my mind. This whole thing really rots. I feel like if I find him I'll kill him. I'm mad, embarrassed, grossed out, depressed and a little numb. When she told me yesterday in tears, I held her close and told her people make mistakes and as long as you learn from them we can work it out. By the time I got home from work, I was very angry, took my wedding ring off, and couldn't sleep at all last night, again picturing my wife naked, touching a strange guy is killing me.
Please help with some practical advice, as my life as I knew it just fell apart.
Thanks,
Larry
 
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#111 ·
Going on TV is taking this too far. She says she called him on the TracPhone only about 3 or 4 times, only necessary when her work schedule post changed. So she didn't use it that often. Since it was almost 9 months ago, she gave me 2 numbers which she's pretty sure is it. I call from my cell# with my # blocked. One # says the caller you're trying to reach is not accepting calls. The 2nd # just lets me leave a voice mail. I sent a couple of texts to both #'s, but haven't heard back yet. In retrospect, it will really do no good finding this guy. Just gives me something else to focus on, while I should be blaming her 100% and focusing on what's right for me. She says she wants to stay married to me, still loves me and never loved him, realizes life won't ever be the way it was, but wants to try.

I started crying at 4:30 this morning and stopped around 5:15. Haven't cried that much in years. Guess it might be a good thing.
 
#114 ·
Going on TV is taking this too far. She says she called him on the TracPhone only about 3 or 4 times, only necessary when her work schedule post changed. So she didn't use it that often. Since it was almost 9 months ago, she gave me 2 numbers which she's pretty sure is it. I call from my cell# with my # blocked. One # says the caller you're trying to reach is not accepting calls. The 2nd # just lets me leave a voice mail. I sent a couple of texts to both #'s, but haven't heard back yet. In retrospect, it will really do no good finding this guy. Just gives me something else to focus on, while I should be blaming her 100% and focusing on what's right for me. She says she wants to stay married to me, still loves me and never loved him, realizes life won't ever be the way it was, but wants to try.

I started crying at 4:30 this morning and stopped around 5:15. Haven't cried that much in years. Guess it might be a good thing.
Yes, the crying does help to clean up the cobwebs. Get it all out and begin to focus with less emotion and more logic. Happens to all of us after the shock wears off. So I read your post and went to your very first post as something sort of stands out for me. Are you now her back up plan?

Now before you answer that, let's go back to your first post. He told her (at some point) that he loved her and wanted her to leave you, right? They had conversations (plural) and coffee (plural) so there was a continuous "relationship" and at no point during this "relationship" did the alarm bells go off for her, right? So, according to her narrative, the point in which she decided she "could not do this" was not during those conversation, not when she got into his vehicle, not when she was sitting up front with him, not when she got into the back, not when she begin to have sex with him, but only after penetration?

And others are correct. This isn't really about him; it's about your wife. Your wife was the person who met with him several times. Your wife called him. You wife spoke to him. He wanted her to leave you, and she still continued to see him. At no point during that part of the relationship did she get a conscious and back away. Only, according to her, at the time of penetration did she suddenly have an epiphany. And that's what she desperately wants you to believe.

Yes, it is easy for a stranger to pick apart her narrative. None of us know you or her personally, so what you get is basically word analysis based on our own personal experiences. We have been there, otherwise we would not be here. Technically, she is "damaged goods" in the dating market, but she has you. She had you then as well. She risked your relationship (in more ways then one) to pursue the OM. And only now, that she can no longer put herself out in the dating market, does she now turn back to you.
 
#116 ·
Rocketman:

Sorry you are here.

I recently read that a jury awarded a girlfriend of a man who gave her herpes, $900,000 even though the judge wanted to throw the case out.

You can google this.

There is a show called cheaters in which the director of the show mentioned that cheating is on the rise because there is no punishment for it.

If you give your mate or girlfriend an incurable disease there was no consequence.

There should be. HIV is a death sentence.

The penalty for cheating used to be a death sentence. Perhaps because of incurable STDS back then.

I do agree that cheating is on the rise because there is no real consequence to cheating, anymore. There is really no financial consequence as I read that a woman can do the entire football team and still get alimony and child custody.

Also a father who has been cuckolded and is raising a non-biological child fathered by the wife's affair partner still has to pay child support. Kinda' weird.

We live in a society that seems to reward cheating.

I am not sure why someone predisposed to cheating bothers to marry, but they do.

BTW: You might want to run a $200 DNA test on any kids you and your wife have.
 
#123 · (Edited)
Rocketman, you need to take your time and create distance to evaluate what you want. Your wife story is bogus:

1- The other guy is a predator with no know contacts that is not from the area that took advantage...

Eeeeerrr... So, your wife, that has never cheated on you (official story here), is going to start some heavy EA with a dude at a crosswalk. Proceeds to have tens of dates just like that because he commented on cars and brought her donuts. Ain't that a bit of an out of character thing? She doesn't remember his name and then she remembers? After 20 dates?

How old is your wife? Is she an innocent teenager that has never been around men? Was it that easy for you to get it on with her?

2- She drive to a make out area, gets on the back seat, massages the other guy's penis and other assorted heavy petting, proceeds to have intercourse that lasts 10 seconds and she breaks down crying because she loves you...

So, this "she loves" you bit is only reached when she is at a high of sexual excitement after hours leading up to it? Really? Or is this just the tamest, less revealing to you, sex situation that explains why she now has herpes? Honestly, this is a movie script. I've never seen or heard an honest report of a woman stopping in the middle of sex because she is suddenly aware she is cheating. At the height of sexual excitement this is highly unlikely.


3- She gets herpes from this encounter (possible but imagine the bad luck of this woman) and 9 months later she tells you about it.

This part is the most believable. Not the 9 months bit, but the FACT that she has herpes (and god knows what else). In fact, as she admitted, this forced her to tell you and it is, at the moment the only verifiable thing you got.

I'm going to go that extra mile here. Take note that i've never, as far as i know, been cheated on, so this isn't due to some trauma i had. I honestly just want to help out.

Let me tell you what i think is going on here. She didn't have an affair with some stranger 9 months ago that you now can't find and/or contact. She probably hooked up to someone close to you and was forced to invent this crap story to give the tamest quasi plausible story she could come up with. This while giving you the old "you didn't pay enough attention to me" Horse**** women always seem to say (from RL situations i've been described about and this board) when they are caught.

What you need to do, instead of stalking out your town areas looking for a guy that doesn't exist, is to look much closer. Guys who are around her. Guys she contacts regularly. Possibly guys she has even presented you. Or, damnable as it may be, people in your family or cousins of hers.

And dude... If you do see some guy driving around in a car that fits the bill remember that she might have just seen that schmuck pass her by everyday and he may not even know who she is. So you may be hunting down some totally innocent guy. And i'm betting that you would not believe him if he said exactly that he doesn't even know what you're talking about.

If you're going for a big R with this woman make her spill her beans. 100% disclosure is a must.
 
#125 ·
Rocketman;She says as soon as they started doing it said:
I'm guessing that it was more than this. One thing about cheaters, if you don't have evidence to prove otherwise, a cheater will always tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it really is. But, you know what? Damage is done. She has a disease she's going to have for the rest of her life. And with herpes. even wearing a condom won't fully protect you from contracting it. All it takes is for some fluid to get on your exposed skin while she has an outbreak and....well.

If you are deciding to reconcile this marriage, then I strongly suggest that you get into marriage counseling. She has done something that is going to changes every aspect of your life. Not only mentally, but sexually.
 
#129 ·
Most of the responses are from men.

From a woman's perspective, I have to say I kinda believe her that this is how it went down. Married 30 years, she was a virgin. A woman like that... it might take a loooong time of talking and coffee to win her trust.

Yup, it was wrong for her to do it. It's not an excuse.

It was an EA that went physical, and she didn't mean for it to go that far. Maybe he didn't either. But they were getting SOMETHING out of all those coffee dates. Both of them.

As for the herpes... even the poster who said he didn't get it from his wife for 1.5 years.... it took that long for him to show symptoms. That's all. He could have contracted it the very first time they had unprotected sex.

As for the guy disappearing... if he's married, of course he is hiding. And of course he's not gonna tell her any correct details. He's got his own life to protect.

My thoughts would be more around what the heck were they talking about every time they met? What personal information did she share with him? Does this guy know your name?

I get the drift she was starving for a friend to talk to. Not that she is a serial cheater, at all. If they were chatting online, I would bet she would have never even met him.

Just my gut instinct on this, as a woman. The trickle truth would be what she told him, and what they talked about.
 
#130 ·
Most of the responses are from men.

From a woman's perspective, I have to say I kinda believe her that this is how it went down. Married 30 years, she was a virgin. A woman like that... it might take a loooong time of talking and coffee to win her trust.

Yup, it was wrong for her to do it. It's not an excuse.

It was an EA that went physical, and she didn't mean for it to go that far. Maybe he didn't either. But they were getting SOMETHING out of all those coffee dates. Both of them.

As for the herpes... even the poster who said he didn't get it from his wife for 1.5 years.... it took that long for him to show symptoms. That's all. He could have contracted it the very first time they had unprotected sex.

As for the guy disappearing... if he's married, of course he is hiding. And of course he's not gonna tell her any correct details. He's got his own life to protect.

My thoughts would be more around what the heck were they talking about every time they met? What personal information did she share with him? Does this guy know your name?

I get the drift she was starving for a friend to talk to. Not that she is a serial cheater, at all. If they were chatting online, I would bet she would have never even met him.

Just my gut instinct on this, as a woman. The trickle truth would be what she told him, and what they talked about.

:lol: This is the fundamental difference between the way a man looks at it and a woman looks at it.

1. Being a virgin does not guarantee virtue madam, we don't know if she decided to skip the coffee go down or not , we need facts now.

2. I hardly think the OM's disappeared, I'm of the opinion that he's being conveiniently left out of the story for OP's wife's own good

3. Justifications again.

4.TT has little to do with what they talked about and more to do with what she did with him, that she refuses to divulge to the OP fearing his reactions, thus protecting herself
 
#131 ·
Here's what I did today.
First I went to a local private investigator. Retired policeman for 30 years, and a PI for the past 10. Primarily to see if he could help me find the guy. He said he deals with these issues daily and for $75 he'd try, but his best advice was to forget the guy, as even if he found him and told me who he was, the ramifications of taking my anger out on him would be worse for me and my family in the long run and he's never seen anything good come out of knowing who the guy is. Slowly but surely I am putting the "OM" out of my head. Second I asked him about the polygraph. He said for $500 he could do it, but I should save my money and spend it on a therapist. He said whether she had sex with one guy once, or 50 guys 10 times, the fact is it happened and there's no erasing it. If she passed or failed the polygraph it won't change the past. Move on and deal with now and the future, not the past. He felt that if she is still hiding anything, or not telling me the truth, a therapist would be able to get it out of her.
I then contacted my insurance company, and the woman on the phone was a clinical phycologist for 30 years. She cried when I told her my story. She recommended several local counselors. I felt that my wife could better relate to, and be more open with a woman therapist, than a male one, and we'd have a better chance of getting to the "Why's" if she felt more comfortable. I don't need any finger pointing, and having someone blame me for pushing her away, or someone admonishing her for what she did. I need an open mind, and good practical advise to deal with the now, and the where are we going from here. I called one, and she got all choked up hearing my story. My wife and I were approved by the insurance for 20 visits and they start next Tuesday, 7/9 @ 4:30at her office. My wife is willing to do this, and I feel a tiny bit better that I now have some direction, as littlel as it is, every little bit helps. Once I get the results of my blood test in a couple of days, we'll see what kind of mood I'm in then.
Thanks again for all your advice.
 
#133 ·
This sounds like progress. But YOU are the one who needs to decide exactly what you need to know. The therapist is bound to not disclose what is said between him/her and your W, so your W could tell him X and you Y, and you'd never know.

So if you have to know exactly what went down, this isn't the way to do it. However, it is a positive step and should help you both in other ways.

Good luck.
 
#134 ·
I want to add something even though I promised myself I would never come back to this forum again due to the rude comments.

When I was 16, I was "talking to" my husband and another guy - just started the same weekend actually. But I had spent a lot of time with my husband and I knew I liked him more. Hadn't had sex with either one of them yet. Eventually, I found myself in the back seat of my car with the other guy, and I remember him asking "can we have sex yet?" and I immediately blurted out "yes" and so he pulled my pajamas down, pulled his shorts down, and put about half of himself into me. And I started crying after realizing this actually wasn't what I wanted, and made him get off of me. It lasted maybe 10-15 seconds tops. Looking back it was kinda funny cause then the other guy started crying cause he wanted me to be his G/F (wow) and I then decided I knew my answer and I wanted to be with my now-husband.

Now to my affair. I had a 10 month long EA/PA with this man (I'm 22 now), which ended 15 days ago. I still vividly remember me rationalizing it when I knew we were about to have sex for the first time. For about 15 seconds my rationalization kept my mind preoccupied that what I was doing wasn't TOO bad. But then I told him "I can't keep doing this" and he kinda dragged out the whole thrusting thing another 10 or so seconds before finally pulling out. And I cried after he was finally out. It felt great but the guilt was eating me alive. Yes we eventually had sex again a few days later, but the point is, as UNLIKELY as it SOUNDS, it's not 100% guaranteed that she actually didn't say "okay stop I am not enjoying this enough (mentally) to keep going." Cause so far I have done this twice, once while not in a fully committed relationship, and once when I was married.

However, her story has lots of holes in it. Maybe the first time she told him to stop. Perhaps they did this multiple times and the second time she finally could go through with it ("I've done it before technically, so why not just finish").

Ya wanna hear something crappy about my affair? When he was on top and just about to put it in, I said "are you clean?" cause there weren't any condoms. And he said "yes", so we proceeded. EIGHT MONTHS LATER we were discussing how we didn't use protection the first time, and I was like "well I asked if you were clean and you said yes so I believed you" and he goes "Umm you've never asked if I was clean." Turns out, he misheard me and he THOUGHT I said "you sure you want to do this?"... *Face palm*. Luckily though he is clean and gets paid to get tested once a month and I've seen the reports... long story.
 
#136 · (Edited)
I'm not defending my wife by no means, but it sure seems like the majority of you here really crucify the cheater, and leave no room for doubt. I also don't really differentiate sex from the (1) going in his truck in the first place; (2) going in the back seat with him "just for some hugs"; (3) straddling him and deep kissing him; (4) pulling down her shirt and him kissing her breasts; (5) unzipping his fly and her just "holding" his thing without stroking it, or whatever; and (6) the actual act of penentration. I've know this woman a long time, and have had sex with her a bazillion times. I know she loves oral sex. I asked her if she did this to him, and she said no, that would be disgusting. But I know her, and can't believe she did everything else but that. I also know its easier to get laid if you have no pants on at all. Why then did she just take off one shoe, pull down one pants leg, and just pull her underwear to the side, instead of removing it completely? She says over and over, she never planned on intercourse. She just thought she'd leave her underwear on and rub against his private parts, and it just went too far. Knowing she now has herpes, why would she keep lying and telling me it only happened once, if it were continuing? I know she might think that minimalizing the story might not make me feel as bad, or make it seem more like it was in the heat of the moment and not emotional, but I can't rationalize continuing lying once you've admitted to it. Its like killing someone. If you shot them then stabbed them, why not admit to both, rather than one? Dead is dead. I know you're all talking from experience, and I empathize with all of you, but isn't there a possibility that now she's actually telling the truth? Seems there's nothing left to gain or hide by lying any more.
 
#140 ·
I'm not defending my wife by no means, but it sure seems like the majority of you here really crucify the cheater, and leave no room for doubt. I also don't really differentiate sex from the (1) going in his truck in the first place; (2) going in the back seat with him "just for some hugs"; (3) straddling him and deep kissing him; (4) pulling down her shirt and him kissing her breasts; (5) unzipping his fly and her just "holding" his thing without stroking it, or whatever; and (6) the actual act of penentration. I've know this woman a long time, and have had sex with her a bazillion times. I know she loves oral sex. I asked her if she did this to him, and she said no, that would be disgusting. But I know her, and can't believe she did everything else but that. I also know its easier to get laid if you have no pants on at all. Why then did she just take off one shoe, pull down one pants leg, and just pull her underwear to the side, instead of removing it completely? She says over and over, she never planned on intercourse. She just thought she'd leave her underwear on and rub against his private parts, and it just went too far. Knowing she now has herpes, why would she keep lying and telling me it only happened once, if it were continuing? I know she might think that minimalizing the story might not make me feel as bad, or make it seem more like it was in the heat of the moment and not emotional, but I can't rationalize continuing lying once you've admitted to it. Its like killing someone. If you shot them then stabbed them, why not admit to both, rather than one? Dead is dead. I know you're all talking from experience, and I empathize with all of you, but isn't there a possibility that now she's actually telling the truth? Seems there's nothing left to gain or hide by lying any more.
Many of us have learned the hard way. Just like you, we got bits and pieces of the truth (trickle truth) just enough to hurt us, not enough to end the marriage. I suppose that there are some here, like yourself, that would accept the story "as is", deal with the hurt, and move the marriage ahead (rug sweeping). What you might want to ask yourself is this. What would I tell my spouse under similar circumstances had the roles been reversed. Just enough to get the facts (herpes) out? Just enough to be forgiven for? Just enough to keep the marriage intact? Would you invent parts and tell partial truths in order for this episode to just go away?

Realistically, if she wants to stay married to you, she will tell you only what will get that result. You are angry (understandably) you are hurt (understandably), but you are still there. That is the result she is looking for. Would she lie to get that result? I think so.

Yes, some of us here do "crucify the cheater". That person has betrayed their marriage vows. My STBXH betrayed his vows to me. My eyes are wide open now. While I have moved out and am doing well. I wish I had come to this site earlier, while still living in the marital home as I have found that the people here have great instincts, based on their own experiences, and are willing to share their knowledge. You came here with a problem. They have offered sound advise based on experience and have pointed out certain discrepancies in your W's story. Why? Because they have heard it before. Same old song.

But back to your general comments about your particular situation, yes, she does stand to gain by lying to you. The whole truth might just end your marriage.
 
#138 ·
Don't expect anything rational from her. Rationality goes out the window when a cheater is stonewalling and lying to you.

She is trickle truthing because she is scared you will kick her out and divorce her. If you can take her admitting she had full-blown intercourse with the guy, tell her so and make her feel safe enough to do so. If you promise her that you will put aside thoughts of D if she tells the truth, stick to your promise.
 
#159 · (Edited)
If someone had told her you can get herpes by touching someone she would have never come up with the ten second story. She's just trying to make it sound like they never "really had sex". It's also typical ,Rocketman, for the betrayed spouse to do exactly what you are doing, believe what you are being told by the wayward spouse, only to find out later the story changes.

Go back through her cell phone bills on line and check for unknown numbers called a lot.

The thing you need to know is who the other man really is. It is just way to convenient that he is just a fellow passing through. BTW, what project was he supposed to working on? Where was he staying.

If you do not want answers, thats up to you. But, that has been unsuccessfully tried here before.
 
#144 ·
Please don't get me wrong as right now you're the only friends and advice I have to try and keep my sanity. But if she really wanted to leave, she'd already be gone. If she really wanted our marriage over, she would have said so. If she was so unhappy with me, this would have been her ticket out so she could run around and screw the world if she wanted to. Why would she say she wants to stay married to me if she's an inch away from her freedom? The other day she said, if I don't have herpes when the blood test comes back, and if I want to leave her to find someone else to have a normal sexual relationship, I could go, and start over. She also said if I wanted to stay at home and keep the kids, she would leave, and again I could start my life over again. But she's said over and over again, she wants to stay and make this work.
 
#146 ·
I think it is pretty common for someone to cheat, but not want the end of their marriage. It is referred to as 'cake eating'.

They have an exciting new relationship and they also have a husband and family. The best of both worlds.

You many never know if your wife cheated the one time or several times. What you do know, is that she is capable of cheating.
 
#145 ·
Call her bluff then mate, see how that works. Larry its not about her leaving or staying, its about you, What do you want? a D or an R.

if you want the D call her bluff and stick to your guns.

If you want a R, she needs to tell you the whole truth and nothing but that, the only way you're going to get this is if you have a fact checker. email accounts, cellphone bills, a poly, anything and everything that gets the truth out of her
 
#152 ·
Exactly - she doesn't want to lose you. She is done with this particular piece of trash. You aren't getting it. The reason she is likely withholding information is because she feels giving it to you would send you over the edge and her hubby would be gone.

Just because she is choosing you now doesn't mean she should be given a free pass on the truth.
 
#149 ·
Glad you have "someone" to talk to about this.
You may want to leave today, and change your mind tomorrow, and her the same. That is normal too.
You don't have to make a decision today, or even tomorrow.

But it's good to vent about it, and keep you on the "legal" side of life, it's really actually wiser to NOT decide anything, right now.
Or analyze it all too much.

Things might look very different in a few months. It's about getting through today and stopping those mind tapes about what she did.
Keeping busy. Focusing on your kids. Life doesn't stand still, unfortunately.

do something fun this weekend, too. Change of scenery.
 
#150 ·
So when all is said and done, they say nothing in life is guaranteed except for death and taxes. If I know my wife is capable of cheating, there really is no guarantee with or without a therapist, or with all the promises in the world, that she'll do it, or not do it again, depending upon the circumstances at the time. I can only hope and pray she'll remember the hurt and pain for both of us, and will think twice about doing it again. Or I can worry for the rest of my married life that she knows she got away with it at least once for the past 9 months, and since she already has herpes, would never have to tell me about that again. Seems with most folks here, this ended in divorce or will shortly. Don't know if I've heard from anyone that reconciled and how life has been since. Guess there's no statistics, but do you think there's anyone out there who survives this hell, stays together, and lives (almost) happily ever after, or is this generally the end of the road? I thought the therapy route was to get more truth out of her, answer the "why she did it" questions, and to help me cope with it, get my life back together and learn to try and trust her again. Am I already looking for the wrong things from therapy I haven't even started yet?
 
#162 · (Edited)
A cheater will lie to a therapist in a heartbeat. Many use therapy to prove they are committed to the marriage when in fact they are still cheating. You have many members here who have reconciled. About 35% of marriages survive adultery in the US. 50% in Britain. 80% wish they had worked it out instead of divorcing. I am pro reconcilliation but only if the cheating spouse comes clean. I just do not believe your wifes story in this case and you haven't been trying to find out if she is telling the truth.

Would it matter if it was one of your good friends? Would it matter if it were still going on? Would it matter if there were more than one. All you know is what she told you. You know she decieved you for months or more. You can't even prove to yourself she is not still seeing him.
 
#151 ·
If you do shift to switzerland or monaco, taxes aren't guaranteed :D.

I've reconciled with my wife Larry, and I can assure you I put her through months of hell.

But for a true R you need to get every little bit of truth out of her, WS don't hide the truth when they're really remorseful.

I grilled my wife a couple hundred times and her version didn't change and it added up to all the recon I carried out so I concluded that she indeed was telling the truth. And I went around giving her hell, which she took silently without any justification or blameshifting or evasion.

Recognize any patterns?? If so she's probably telling the truth or you're being taken for a ride on the FALSE R CHOO CHOO
 
#153 ·
There are certainly lots of people who reconcilled and have BETTER marriages now than they did before. Different. A new beginning.

Sometimes it is the catalyst that promotes the change.
Not as many on this website, but they are around.

It's most certainly possible to have a new marriage. It's not the END unless you deem it so personally. It's totally personal.
 
#154 ·
We reconciled after H affair, 12 years ago. It will only work if
1. The cheater is not a serial cheater
2. Both parties are willing to change the way they relate to each other & their faulty thinking.
We definately have a better relationship now, but I do wish I had been on this site then because I did everything wrong. Still, it worked in the end.
 
#155 ·
I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Collectively, you are the best bunch of therapists a guy could ask for, and I can't really put in words just how much it helps to be able to just talk to someone...anyone right now. In the beginning I felt so isolated, like I was the only one in the world something like this could happen to. I felt like a total stranger on the street could just look at my face, and could know what just happened to me. For what its worth, I truly appreciate you sharing your horror stories with me. I don't feel alone anymore. Although I still feel like my best friend, my only confidant, my anchor when the rest of the world caved in on me, is now gone. I felt like I could write my own obituary about my marriage dying. A big piece of me is now gone, and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. Puts all the other crap in my life in perspective, for sure.
 
#156 ·
Larry just take your time. Inform your WW that for now your marriage is on hold, that you have not decided what you will do, and that you will not be rushed into making a decision. Time is on your side. Make your wife sweat it out, and make it clear to her that you are going to verify everything she has told you or will tell you in the immediate future, and that if you catch her in one more lie, or if you verify something she has told you was a fabrication, then you are done with her and she needs to pack her bags.

Also let her know that even though you may not be ready to end the marriage now, you will always have the option to do so, whether it be next week or five years from now. She needs to internalize the idea that she is living with you on borrowed time and that you are in control of how this all plays out.

Keep the control.
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