Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

I need help really, really bad.

121K views 356 replies 92 participants last post by  IIJokerII 
#1 ·
I'm 52 years old, have been married for 30 years and have 4 kids (8,10,12 & 14). Never cheated on my wife once ever. Lied to her about stopping smoking many times, stare at attractive women once in a while, but never, ever touched. My wife has been home many years raising our kids while I worked. She recently got a job as a school crossing guard, and all of a sudden has developed a social life again.
Yesterday, she dropped the bomb shell on me. She met a guy last September, started off casually with coffee at the diner for 4-5 weeks, a few days a week. Last get together, they jumped in his truck took a ride. Kissing, touching led to unprotected sex. She says she cried as soon as they got intimate and stopped doing it very quickly, at which point the guy yelled at her "why'd you start something you couldn't finish?". He had giver her a TracPhone which she eventually gave back so they could call each other and set up meetings without me knowing about it. Since this ended back end of last year, he disappeared. Can't find him by name, and he was on Long Island for work and had North Carolina plates. Said he loved her and wanted her to leave me. Things haven't always been good with us, normal marriage issues over the years, but never like this. She says this is the first and only time she's ever been with another guy since she met me. To make things worse, she now tested positive for Herpes 2, which I got tested for this morning and am awaiting results.
I don't have any friends to talk to about this, and have a lot of mixed emotions. Don't know if I'm more mad at the picture in my mind of them having sex in the back of his Denali, or the fact that she now has a disease she may have given me. It disgusts me to picture her naked with another guy, and all the things that led up to them getting physical that day. Also mad that I may never be able to have sex with her again because of the Herpes, and can't picture myself getting intimate with her, while I'll picture them together in my mind. This whole thing really rots. I feel like if I find him I'll kill him. I'm mad, embarrassed, grossed out, depressed and a little numb. When she told me yesterday in tears, I held her close and told her people make mistakes and as long as you learn from them we can work it out. By the time I got home from work, I was very angry, took my wedding ring off, and couldn't sleep at all last night, again picturing my wife naked, touching a strange guy is killing me.
Please help with some practical advice, as my life as I knew it just fell apart.
Thanks,
Larry
 
See less See more
#164 ·
Everything Larry knows about the affair, all the details, come from his wife.

Larry you need to assume that maybe only 25% of what she told you is the truth. You need to verify (to the best of your ability and resources) everything she has told you:

The OMs name, the make of his truck, where they met, how they met, if they called or texted, were there e-mails..... everything.
 
#169 ·
Totally agree. Larry, you're doing fine. Ups, downs, mistakes, changes, good plays, bad plays, whatever. You need more time to process all of this, but don't do it by jumping into reconciliation because it 'feels so right'. We get that. Seriously. The realization that your wife of many years could actually betray you this way is a massive shock. I'd venture to say it was absolutely unbelievable for every one of us. I had that shock after only 8 years. But it threw my reality for a spin. I was so mentally engrained in the life I had planned with my ex that it was a complete shift in thinking to stand up for myself and make the hard call instead of trying to prop up that planned future when deep down I knew it wouldn't be able to happen now.

For me, it was when I asked her point blank questions which I already knew the answer to, and she lied without batting an eye - to my face. Would this change things for you? It did for me. To do this you need proof. I found it in her deleted texts. You need a truth which she isn't giving you. Find it on your own. Absolutely hire the PI. Even ask them to look into any local leads that they may find - it'll cost more than $75 but they can get things we can't (I think the 20-25 Dunkin Donuts visits story is total BS - and the name she gave for him will probably return nothing).

Please sync her iPhone and look for the deleted texts in the backup folder. Realize that things have changed for real. And you can play it however you want. She may seem really sweet to you right now, crying and being all 'sorry'...but think about the real deal here. All each of us has is our self-respect. If that's gone, life blows. So IF she gives you a reason to respect yourself for taking her back, by all means go for it and enjoy. Mine didn't. And I don't regret dumping her for a second.

Your wife's story is the biggest pile of crap...and looking back to the progression I went through dealing with my xw's infidelity, if I were in your shoes I'd wanna buy it too...but from a black and white perspective...Sorry...it's total BS. You...need...another...source...of...information. Not to 'stick it to her', but to know what the hell decisions you are making, and why.

And definitely go to the gym like a mad man, my friend. Now is a good time. You'll be fine.
 
#165 ·
Ya larry I get the same way when I smoke weed, I think everyone knows....but they don't b/c I'm not a stoner!

Stop letting this crap define who you are. 30 years ago you were a confident young man that tripped over him self, now you are an experienced gentlemen that knows a thing or two.

SO PLEASE STOP BEATING YOUR SELF UP AND GET BACK ON THE DAM HORSE!!!!

Sorry for shouting man, but dude sometimes we need the 2x4 to wake us up.

Your lady had a choice and she did you wrong. So why do you need to change....do you want to change? Hell you sound like a great provider and a dam good dad! You diserve to be happy.
 
#166 ·
You diserve good thing!!!!!!!

That was my montra when I was going thru this sh!t..."I diserve good things"....say it with me "I diserve good things" now everybody, together "I diserve good things".

Saying this in my head helped me get thru the dark thoughts. Just be careful saying it out loud will get you some strange looks at the gas pump!
 
#172 ·
Well, the good news is I just got the results from a battery of blood tests I had done last Friday. My blood work came back great with slightly elevated cholesterol and LDL. The bad news is, the results for Herpes 2 are still pending, and due to the holiday, I probably won't get the results until Thursday. Other good news, is all other STD's besides Herpes I & II tested negative.

Time will tell.....
 
#180 ·
I brought her to the marina yesterday and she showed me where they parked, and how far she got when she walked away before she got back into his truck for the ride back. I also met with the manager of the Dunkin' Donuts to see if I could see them on the store's video surveillance system. Unfortunately they use a DVR system which overwrites the videos every 2 weeks. I checked her cell phone records (not a smart phone) going back from September through December and see no incoming or outgoing calls to the number she gave me, whether its an accurate number or not. After hours and hours of grilling her story hasn't even waivered. I have gone over every detail, repeating the story bit by bit, and step by ugly step to see if there would be any change or inconsistencies, and pressed her for endless hours, waking her up in the middle of the night, and keeping her up until morning. I have brought her to the point of horrible sobbing, and deep large tears. She did tell me when she got home that afternoon, she felt so disgusted that she threw her underwear in the garbage. She also gave me some details of how she actually got undressed in the truck. How while she was straddling him, she reached back and took off one shoe. Then stood up on one leg and pulled down the other leg. I even went as far as to have her sit on me and demostrate how it all went down. Some more stuff too, but everything seems to make sense and appears pretty logical. I know you all might not like hearing it, but I'm leaning more towards believing that she's told me everything, rather than still hiding anything. She swears she hardly touched his 'parts' as her arm couldn't bend backwards while sitting on him, and she absolutely insists she never went down on him either. She said the kissing and carressing really felt 'passionate' and she just lost control after that. I've tried to get her to tell me every minute detail of their meetings, but he didn't tell her much. She says she did most of the talking and he did all the listening, and that was why she liked him so much and thought he was becoming a good friend. I really think she got played by a pro and let it get the best of her.
 
#182 ·
As of right now, I think yes. We're going to see a therapist next Tuesday night. Going to re-live all the gory details once again, and hopefully get some direction on how to start a new life together, as I don't think the old one exists anymore. Even if we got a divorce, and I found somebody new, I now realize there's no guarantee of 100% honesty anywhere. Believe me, divorce would be much easier on me than the hell of therapy, and maybe through therapy some more truths will come out. Don't quite know, nor do I know if I can handle any more than I've already heard. Its not like the lesser-of-two-evils thing, I just feel it in my gut that its the right thing to do for me. I feel a lot better than I did last week, just making myself busy with work, and talking with you folks. Its when I have too much time to think, or while I'm sleeping, that it all surfaces again, and my mood changes, and I blast her. I've surprised myself that I haven't taken a swing at her. I feel like I've analyzed this to death, and need to focus on my future. Sure, the "Why's" are still very important to me, the "When's" and "Where's" are still in the back of my mind. Having read many other posts here, it seems common to want to know all the details like how it felt; was he as good as me; did you like it, etc., etc. Knowing I'm not alone, although I feel like I am, helped tremendously. Perhaps if it happened after only a couple of years of marriage, or if she came to me and said she fell in love with him and wanted to leave me, I'd feel differently. But I don't think its like that, and after 30 years, I think its worth fighting for. Especially since I tested negative for HSV2, it would be so easy to leave, now that I don't have the stigma (sorry for those of you who do-I mean nothing bad by saying that). The biggest battle is not with her, or with the OM, its with me. How much do I want this? How much am I willing to take? How much do I want my old life back? Can I ever have any semblence of normalcy again? Will I ever get over the doubt, the depression, the feeling of inadequacy? These I guess will only be answered in time. I know I'm not strong enough to deal with all these issues by myself. There are far too many, and one doesn't hold a priority over the others. Again, I wish this never happened, but I need to pick up the pieces, heal me first, and work on the relationship and her sort of at the same time. Unless something drastically new comes up in conversation, or some evidence pops up that shows she was blatantly lying to me, or hiding even more details, I think this is the way I'm going to go. I love being married and I loved being married to her. She's just not the same person I married 30 years ago. I guess over time, people do change to some degree and I have to weigh the choices of staying married to her, or finding someone else, who might be even worse. Many thoughts spinning around my little head, but real good getting them out here. Better than my head exploding. Just wish I could stop crying like a baby so much. Don't even know why I'm crying. Just do. Don't know if I'm feeling sorry for me, for her, for us, or just desperately sad in general. I really hope this gets better before it gets worse.
 
#190 ·
Perhaps if it happened after only a couple of years of marriage, or if she came to me and said she fell in love with him and wanted to leave me, I'd feel differently. But I don't think its like that, and after 30 years, I think its worth fighting for. Especially since I tested negative for HSV2, it would be so easy to leave, now that I don't have the stigma (sorry for those of you who do-I mean nothing bad by saying that). The biggest battle is not with her, or with the OM, its with me. How much do I want this? How much am I willing to take? How much do I want my old life back? Can I ever have any semblence of normalcy again? Will I ever get over the doubt, the depression, the feeling of inadequacy? These I guess will only be answered in time. I know I'm not strong enough to deal with all these issues by myself. There are far too many, and one doesn't hold a priority over the others.

Your old life is never the same again. Every time she has a herpes outbreak, you'll trigger badly.

And if you have sex with her, every time you breakout, how would you feel?


I wonder now if she's serial cheater, and if she caught the herpes from another man.
 
#186 ·
Just wish I could stop crying like a baby so much. Don't even know why I'm crying. Just do. Don't know if I'm feeling sorry for me, for her, for us, or just desperately sad in general. I really hope this gets better before it gets worse.

You are mourning the death of the marriage you thought you had. The one with a faithful partner of 30 years whom you could trust and rely on.

You are also mourning the loss of the wife you thought you had. The honest, loving, faithful woman you loved and married.

Both are now gone and you are mourning their passing. Only time will help this.
 
#187 · (Edited)
RE:"She's tainted friend."
There's not too many of us out there without any sin. Several times I swore to my wife's face that I had quit smoking. She caught me at the office and elsewhere. She smelled it on my clothes, saw tobacco in my car, saw burn holes on my clothes. I told her the smell got stuck to my clothes from the palces I'd been. I was so full of ****, it wasn't funny, but we both agreed to stop smoking many years ago. She had more will power than I had, and I was too embarrassed or proud to tell her the truth. Each time she stayed with me. A lie is a lie.
 
#188 ·
RE:"She's tainted friend."
There's not too many of us out there without any sin. Several times I swore to my wife's face that I had quit smoking. She caught me at the office and elsewhere. She smelled it on my clothes, saw tobacco in my car, saw burn holes on my clothes. I told her the smell got stuck to my clothes from the palces I'd been. I was so full of ****, it wasn;t funny, but we both agreed to stop smoking many years ago. She had more will power than I had, and I was too embarrassed or proud to tell her the truth. Each time she stayed with me. A lie is a lie.
Refresh my memory. I do not remember "Thou shalt not smoke." Neither in the commandments nor the marriage vows.

You are not seriously comparing lying about adultery to lying about smoking? The only reason she confessed is that she caught an STD.
 
#193 ·
You do what you want---but please do not ever try to compare smoking, with the murder of a mge----or do you happen to think, that stealing some gas out of a bike's gas tank, would be equal to real murder.---You are talking kindergarten, compared to college

Its your life, its your wife---enjoy or not----there is only one trip thru life, for you on this planet---hope you enjoy it, as you spend time with her, as if nothing ever happened, cuz when you R., that's what it ends up as. Sure you'll blast her now and then, but basically already she is back in her normal lifestyle, only difference is, you are now her parole officer---but in all reality, there are no other consequences she is facing

You have sex, dinner, go out, face life together, as if nothing ever happened---but it did didn't it---another man was inside her, and she wanted it, allowed it, pushed for it---that's what your new life will be---possibly for the rest of that life---as I said---your life, your wife.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top