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I need help really, really bad.

121K views 356 replies 92 participants last post by  IIJokerII 
#1 ·
I'm 52 years old, have been married for 30 years and have 4 kids (8,10,12 & 14). Never cheated on my wife once ever. Lied to her about stopping smoking many times, stare at attractive women once in a while, but never, ever touched. My wife has been home many years raising our kids while I worked. She recently got a job as a school crossing guard, and all of a sudden has developed a social life again.
Yesterday, she dropped the bomb shell on me. She met a guy last September, started off casually with coffee at the diner for 4-5 weeks, a few days a week. Last get together, they jumped in his truck took a ride. Kissing, touching led to unprotected sex. She says she cried as soon as they got intimate and stopped doing it very quickly, at which point the guy yelled at her "why'd you start something you couldn't finish?". He had giver her a TracPhone which she eventually gave back so they could call each other and set up meetings without me knowing about it. Since this ended back end of last year, he disappeared. Can't find him by name, and he was on Long Island for work and had North Carolina plates. Said he loved her and wanted her to leave me. Things haven't always been good with us, normal marriage issues over the years, but never like this. She says this is the first and only time she's ever been with another guy since she met me. To make things worse, she now tested positive for Herpes 2, which I got tested for this morning and am awaiting results.
I don't have any friends to talk to about this, and have a lot of mixed emotions. Don't know if I'm more mad at the picture in my mind of them having sex in the back of his Denali, or the fact that she now has a disease she may have given me. It disgusts me to picture her naked with another guy, and all the things that led up to them getting physical that day. Also mad that I may never be able to have sex with her again because of the Herpes, and can't picture myself getting intimate with her, while I'll picture them together in my mind. This whole thing really rots. I feel like if I find him I'll kill him. I'm mad, embarrassed, grossed out, depressed and a little numb. When she told me yesterday in tears, I held her close and told her people make mistakes and as long as you learn from them we can work it out. By the time I got home from work, I was very angry, took my wedding ring off, and couldn't sleep at all last night, again picturing my wife naked, touching a strange guy is killing me.
Please help with some practical advice, as my life as I knew it just fell apart.
Thanks,
Larry
 
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#202 ·
Larry,

Its your life and your decision.

I think it is good not to make any decision right now and see how counselling goes for you and your wife.

I am pro R but even I have to say she is still lying about something.

She at first cannot remember the number, She at first cannot remember his name.

It is that trickle truthing that tells the experiences BS's that there is more to come.

But like I said it is your choice to make and I think it is great that you still love your wife and do not want to tear your family apart.

Time is on your side. Use it well to see if you both can heal.

And keep your ears open because there is no doubt you will hear more to the story.

There are a few TAMer's on here that have reconciled and done it well. I am sure in time you will know in your heart what you need to do concerning your marriage.

Good Luck and let us know how you make out.

HM64
 
#203 ·
You're right. I really wasn't trying to compare smoking to cheating. I was trying to compare a lie to a lie, but that's not even a close comparison. The severity of the crime and betrayal blows away anythig else. Sorry for the dumb comparison. I hope my new life ahead with her is better than the old one. Obviously I can't predict now about mood swings and arguements in the future. I can only hope for the best. We'll see if the MC can offer any help at all. For all I know that will be a dead end, and then my decision might be made for me.
 
#204 · (Edited)
Trickle truths and inconsistencies....
11 days after finding out, and 2 days before therapy starts, I'm still digging and little inconsistencies are popping up. Am I digging too deep, and should these "little" facts be bothering me or are they meaningless and insignificant?

(1) I've asked her hundreds of times what she was wearing that day. She told me over and over again, just a zip up sweatshirt and a spaghetti strap shirt. I thought about her bra. It was never mentioned. She always wears sports bras. She says she was wearing one that day, and he pulled it down over her shoulders when he pulled down her shirt. Just forgot to tell me about it as she didn't think it was important.

(2) She says while she was straddling him, he unzipped his fly, put her hand down there and put her hand on his parts, but she barely touched his 'parts' as she really couldn't reach it, with her hands turned backwards facing him. Last night, I had her demonstrate on my lap in the back of her truck, that if that were true, she couldn't even have seen his penis much less touch it, as it would still be tucked under him, and inside his underwear. The only way she could have touched his privates, is if his pants were pulled down at least over his thighs or to his knees, not simply "unzipped"; then he'd be fully exposed, and probably stiff by then. (Try it yourself if you don't believe me and have too much time on your hands, like I do!). I did multiple times, and just unzipping your fly is not enough to expose your parts, especially if you're sitting down.

(3) She says over and over that she never 'stroked' his thing, just lightly touched it for a second or two, as she couldn't physically reach down there between the two of them as their bodies were too close. Once again (to my digust), I pulled my 'thing' out last night while she straddled me, and she could reach it plenty good, as was able to stroke it with no problem. In the heat of passion, I don't believe that any woman would just 'barely' touch it. I think she would give it a good long massage. I'm not a woman, so I can't say that for a fact, but it just seems to make sense to me.

(4) She says she never saw his parts, or may have caught a 'quick glance' at it. Well, if as I say is true and he was now sitting with his pants and underwear down near his bent knees, with his parts erect, she would have a pretty damned good view of him down there, especially as she stood partially up to get her own pants down. With all that undressing going on, in such a limited space, I find it hard to believe she wasn't able to see it. More so, I can't believe she wouldn't want to see it. It would be so exciting, why pass on such a great opportunity?

Again, except for exposing more holes in the story, do these inconsistencies mean anything, or is it mostly feasible that after a 9 month old event, she actually did forget some of the details, and they're only coming out by examining every minute under a microscope?

Should I keep pounding her for details, or give it a rest and see what the counselor can do for me and for us?

Thanks.
 
#209 ·
Trickle truths and inconsistencies....
11 days after finding out, and 2 days before therapy starts, I'm still digging and little inconsistencies are popping up. Am I digging too deep, and should these "little" facts be bothering me or are they meaningless and insignificant?



Should I keep pounding her for details, or give it a rest and see what the counselor can do for me and for us?

Thanks.
Often times it is the "little" facts that expose a lie. It's all in the details that she claims to have remembered and to which you have pointed out, are impossible.

That being said, the "act" itself was what it was, resulting in a permanent reminder that your wife was unfaithful. The details and the truth, in the scheme of things, won't make much difference in the results. The results remain the same.

If your intent is to get at the truth about the affair as a whole, then I would suggest you question more about what lead to the "act". For example, the details in conversations that she had with the OM, what she knows about him, what she told him, what he told her and why, at any given point in that relationship, did she not back off from this OM, and why she waited (as she claims) until the "act" itself to suddenly realize that she loves you. You see, it's my opinion that this part of the story, while convenient for her, makes no sense.

I don't know what the counselor can do for you. Maybe help, maybe not. A WS can lie to a counselor just as easily as lying to a spouse.

This is certainly a difficult time for you. Most of us have "been there" to a certain extent, as the betrayal cuts to the core of the marital relationship even though the details may be different in each of our cases. But one thing remains central to all of our collective experiences. We should be able to get the full truth out of our WSs on all questions asked. A truly remorseful spouse will tell the full truth and not simply a "version" of the truth just to appease us.

So, when a "version" of the truth just doesn't make sense, then it probably is not the truth, which then begs the question, why this particular "version" of the truth is chosen by the WS to be told.

Trust your gut, Larry.
 
#205 ·
Give yourself some rest from all this. Some of what she says may be true, and some not. There is no way to know right now. That is the thing, there is no way to know. Your brain is now preloaded to see lies, for good reason, but still you are not going to be impartial or even rational in your analysis.

Get lots of exercise to burn off some of this anxiety.
 
#208 ·
I agree with Shamwow. The dates and the EA are the most hurtful part of this.

I think she is lying about the sex. 10 seconds of penetration doesn't seem like it would be enough for her to get fullblown herpes. I think they had full-on intercourse for at least several minutes.

My guess is that she is so scared you will divorce her that she has walled herself up in a castle of lies and doesn't even know what is a real memory or what is a lie.
 
#210 ·
And Larry,

When you are at counselling with your wife please remember to tell her this:

Your own words and I think she needs to hear them,

Although I still feel like my best friend, my only confidant, my anchor when the rest of the world caved in on me, is now gone. I felt like I could write my own obituary about my marriage dying. A big piece of me is now gone, and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. Puts all the other crap in my life in perspective, for sure.
Good Luck at counselling Larry.

HM64
 
#213 ·
First meeting with the MC was Tuesday. Next one is tomorrow morning. Can't believe how fast an hour flew by. Mostly she just listened the whole time. Said my wife is impulsive. Wants to know if I trust her or want to trust her. Then time ran out. More to follow after our next meeting. Good thing, as time goes on, I'm sleeping again, stopped interrogating her, talking to her again, stopped looking for the piece of crap OM, and life is slowly but surely moving on.
 
#215 ·
Don't let life move on too quickly. Don't rugsweep this. You need to make your wife feel some harsh sanctions. You need to make her feel like she is on the verge of losing everything. If you don't she will not learn from this. Well, she will learn that you are a pushover and she can get away with it again.
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#217 ·
Rug sweeping......... I know all the BSs want to do this first. They want to believe their WS even though they know that what WS said is lie and unbelievable. you too did the same. Get IC so that you can first fix your Pain and deal with it, else it may explode one day.

There is nothing wrong in R but you should deal the cheating in right way first with IC, MC, consequences and new boundaries.
 
#218 · (Edited)
Did a double session for 1-1/2 hours today. A fair amount of yelling, crying and eventual understanding. This takes nothing more than a leap of faith on my part. The MC recommended we start the reconciliation now, as this is going to take a long time. She said we both have to start trusting each other, and we should consider having sex now, as we enjoyed it together for so many years, and it would help to start off our new relationship and its the only intimacy we've ever known, as neither one of us are big talkers. I'm still up in the air about that, but giving it some thought. My ignoring my wife, not being a good listener and not being as emotional as she would have liked over the years did not justify her actions, but seems to have been the catalyst for our growing apart over the last few years. At this point, for better or worse, I'm believing her story, because if I don't it will be like an anchor never letting us move on. I have to learn to trust her again, and she has to demonstrate that she deserves the trust. I told her this killed me so much, that I know for a fact I could not ever handle anything like this again, ever. I laid down some ground rules, that if she follows them, will not put her in a compromising situation again, and that she has to internalize that the reason she shouldn't do this again is not only because its wrong, immoral, unethical and because she's married, more so because she has a husband at home who loves her unconditionally, and that she would not like anyone doing this to her, what she did to me. I think that's enough to build a relatively stable foundation, and can only hope for the best in the future.
 
#219 ·
One wrinkle to consider is that if, big IF, infidelity is a factor in your state for alimony. In some states an infidelity is considered even though the divorce is officially no-fault. Her affair could reduce or eliminate your alimony, or perhaps even affect the distribution of assets.

Just to be clear, the law in some states will by definition say that sex with her is forgiveness, and you give up any legal advantage which her infidelity may bring.
 
#222 ·
Sound good Larry, as long as she can act like you are always next to her then you guys are on a good start.
How about the IC for the both of you?
She needs to look at the reason she took that leap not just by stepping out of the marriage but the litteral leap if you know what I mean.
Something inside her caused this instant choice to go "back there" that need must be communicated to you so you can fill it.

Hope you guys learn how to talk, just like in my case the sex is great but talking about the "need" and even the "were" can inhance the marriage and fill her void.

I guess what I'm saying is my wife can now be nasty with her husband only and not worry about what I think of her b/c I love her. No more hiding that side of her.
 
#227 ·
I totally agree. Until I knew for sure my wife's herpes was inactive, I would not touch her. And if we eventually did have sex I would still wear a condom. Man what a sh*tty way to have to rebuild a marriage! Now he will have to have protected sex for the rest of their marriage.
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#228 ·
I am sorry but your MC---is full of sh*t,pardon my french

You have been on here 2 F'ing weeks---and 2 F'ing weeks after she has ripped you apart, your MC---says start your R, have sex---just go back to the way it was

Well it can't go back to the way it was, I don't care how bad your wife thought things were, she sure as He*l wasn't living in a one room shack, wondering where her next meal was coming from, and if she was gonna have to walk, to get where she was going---SHE HAD A GODD*MN GOOD LIFE---everything was there for her, she had it all, and SHE HERSELF VOLUNTARILY THREW IT ALL AWAY

25 dates, jumping in the back of truck and having sex, and YES they had sex----and 2 Two, 2 Two, weeks later, she gets to move right back into her cushy lifestyle---as if nothing happened

Hey its your life, you get to live with your wife, you get to talk to her, you get to check for your STD situation, you get to remember, what she did, you get to visualize what she did, so its on you---but give me a break

Two 2 weeks, and she is back in her comfy little lifestyle---WHERE IS THE ACCOUNTABILITY

Your MC, is full of SH*T.
 
#229 ·
Accountability isn't the issue here. Moving on with living and not dwelling on every detail which was continually killing me, is. I will not forget the past, but if I don't try to bury some of it, it will bury me. And there's no way I can move on and try and repair things if I keep thinking the way I was thinking. Also, if 2 weeks of hell isn't enough, what's a good number for you? 5 weeks? 3 months? A year? I can only punish her for so long until we can move ahead and try to make things better, or start off fresh. Every time I punish her, I punish me. It hurts both of us at the same time. Her lifestyle might be the same, but her life is totally different. She's now accountable for everywhere she goes, and every minute she's gone. I truly think she make a huge mistake, realizes it wasn't worth it and realizes the damage it caused. With the shear giant number of posts you have compared to my measley hand full, I'm sure you know more about this topic than I do. Only thing is I know me better. I came here for help, guidance, sympathy, to vent, advice and all that, and I'm willing to listen to any and all advice, and put nobody down for their opinion as we all have different reference points. So don't worry that you're angry-sounds like its with me. I'm glad to listen to it, but sometimes I have to keep moving on with what I think is the best plan.
 
#233 ·
Accountability isn't the issue here. Moving on with living and not dwelling on every detail which was continually killing me, is. I will not forget the past, but if I don't try to bury some of it, it will bury me. And there's no way I can move on and try and repair things if I keep thinking the way I was thinking. Also, if 2 weeks of hell isn't enough, what's a good number for you? 5 weeks? 3 months? A year? I can only punish her for so long until we can move ahead and try to make things better, or start off fresh. Every time I punish her, I punish me. It hurts both of us at the same time. Her lifestyle might be the same, but her life is totally different. She's now accountable for everywhere she goes, and every minute she's gone. I truly think she make a huge mistake, realizes it wasn't worth it and realizes the damage it caused. With the shear giant number of posts you have compared to my measley hand full, I'm sure you know more about this topic than I do. Only thing is I know me better. I came here for help, guidance, sympathy, to vent, advice and all that, and I'm willing to listen to any and all advice, and put nobody down for their opinion as we all have different reference points. So don't worry that you're angry-sounds like its with me. I'm glad to listen to it, but sometimes I have to keep moving on with what I think is the best plan.
you cant live in the past. What she did was a mistake, Move on with your life. Do what your MC advices, she will change and will be faithful to you in future. Take care of the herps.


you came here to hear from others that what your wife did was not a big thing. We dont know who you are, for us you are only another BS, who was cheated and susceptible to deathly Herps. We are concerned about your well being only. WE are not here to split you from your wonderful wife. We only wish a good life for you as persons who were being cheated by our SO, we know the pain, roller coaster of emotions you are going on. we know the inablity to take a decision and need for continuous assurance from others that you are going to be ok.

As a BS, I did many things wrongly, I always hoped for some help from some anonymous persons as I was too much ashamed to talk to my friends or family. You are getting that help which many of us didn't have at that time.

Many people from different part of the world, so opinions differ, but cheaters every were in the world follow the same script. Opinion is like a$$hole everyone have one.So take what you want from here and leave the rest.

But in your case the opinion was almost unanimous, its rare here.

Take care of your health. good luck.
 
#230 ·
Yet another example of a no good MC, one that wants you to rug sweep after only 2 weeks. There are a lot of bad ones out there that have no experience in dealing with infidelity. These are the ones that do more harm than good, and which is why sometimes you have to shop around until you find one that fits your situation. You're still in the initial shock/denial phase, eventually you will reach your anger phase, what then?
 
#231 · (Edited)
" I can only punish her for so long until we can move ahead and try to make things better, or start off fresh. Every time I punish her, I punish me. It hurts both of us at the same time. Her lifestyle might be the same, but her life is totally different. She's now accountable for everywhere she goes, and every minute she's gone. I truly think she make a huge mistake, realizes it wasn't worth it and realizes the damage it caused"

It reads like all she has missed is the comfort of the material items in life , what she should have missed is you and the love between you. I see you use the word punish , is that how you describe the boundaries and consequences she has to face. If it is , give up now.

Find a pro marriage councellor who is experienced and recovering marriage and who understands how to help you implement boundaries to affair proof your marriage. Try a call to one of the Harley's from the marriagebuilders site to help you understand what to do to recover the marriage.
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