lordmayhem

Of course she only says she called him 3 or 4 times.

Of course she'll say she didn't use it a lot.

Now you take her word for it that these are the numbers. You don't know if its the OMs number or not.

You need to find this guy and find out if he's married or has a serious girlfriend so you can expose the affair. For one, its the right thing to do and two, it helps kill the affair. You don't know at all if its gone underground or not. She had a secret phone that you didn't know about for months, how do you know she still doesn't have it? She only told you she gave it back to the OM. At this point, you can't believe a word she says.

She wants to cake eat.

As long as its not in front of her.

__________________
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
The Betrayed Spouse Script
Just Let Them Go

mahike

The Anger issues will calm down with time and with talking it out with someone. That is very important. I kept thinking about my kids having to visit me in jail and that stopped me cold.

Doing something physical will help. I have done three things that will help. The batting cages, driving range, and I have gone shooting with some friends. I put his face on everything I hit and shoot. They have no idea why I am smiling from ear to ear.

I understand about the STD test. I would not go to my doctor so I went to a clinic. A real low spot in my life. I have let my wife know about that one over and over again

costa200

Rocketman, you need to take your time and create distance to evaluate what you want. Your wife story is bogus:

1- The other guy is a predator with no know contacts that is not from the area that took advantage...

Eeeeerrr... So, your wife, that has never cheated on you (official story here), is going to start some heavy EA with a dude at a crosswalk. Proceeds to have tens of dates just like that because he commented on cars and brought her donuts. Ain't that a bit of an out of character thing? She doesn't remember his name and then she remembers? After 20 dates?

How old is your wife? Is she an innocent teenager that has never been around men? Was it that easy for you to get it on with her?

2- She drive to a make out area, gets on the back seat, massages the other guy's penis and other assorted heavy petting, proceeds to have intercourse that lasts 10 seconds and she breaks down crying because she loves you...

So, this "she loves" you bit is only reached when she is at a high of sexual excitement after hours leading up to it? Really? Or is this just the tamest, less revealing to you, sex situation that explains why she now has herpes? Honestly, this is a movie script. I've never seen or heard an honest report of a woman stopping in the middle of sex because she is suddenly aware she is cheating. At the height of sexual excitement this is highly unlikely.


3- She gets herpes from this encounter (possible but imagine the bad luck of this woman) and 9 months later she tells you about it.

This part is the most believable. Not the 9 months bit, but the FACT that she has herpes (and god knows what else). In fact, as she admitted, this forced her to tell you and it is, at the moment the only verifiable thing you got.

I'm going to go that extra mile here. Take note that i've never, as far as i know, been cheated on, so this isn't due to some trauma i had. I honestly just want to help out.

Let me tell you what i think is going on here. She didn't have an affair with some stranger 9 months ago that you now can't find and/or contact. She probably hooked up to someone close to you and was forced to invent this crap story to give the tamest quasi plausible story she could come up with. This while giving you the old "you didn't pay enough attention to me" Horse**** women always seem to say (from RL situations i've been described about and this board) when they are caught.

What you need to do, instead of stalking out your town areas looking for a guy that doesn't exist, is to look much closer. Guys who are around her. Guys she contacts regularly. Possibly guys she has even presented you. Or, damnable as it may be, people in your family or cousins of hers.

And dude... If you do see some guy driving around in a car that fits the bill remember that she might have just seen that schmuck pass her by everyday and he may not even know who she is. So you may be hunting down some totally innocent guy. And i'm betting that you would not believe him if he said exactly that he doesn't even know what you're talking about.

If you're going for a big R with this woman make her spill her beans. 100% disclosure is a must.

Thor

Do not have sex of any kind with her until you both get tested. There is a 12 week wait for the Herpes test from last contact, and a 3 to 6 month wait for HIV. Just because you test clean today does not mean she is clean.

I made that mistake....

crossbar

[QUOTE=Rocketman;She says as soon as they started doing it, she cried and said she loved me too much to keep going, so he pulled right out. [/QUOTE]

I'm guessing that it was more than this. One thing about cheaters, if you don't have evidence to prove otherwise, a cheater will always tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it really is. But, you know what? Damage is done. She has a disease she's going to have for the rest of her life. And with herpes. even wearing a condom won't fully protect you from contracting it. All it takes is for some fluid to get on your exposed skin while she has an outbreak and....well.

If you are deciding to reconcile this marriage, then I strongly suggest that you get into marriage counseling. She has done something that is going to changes every aspect of your life. Not only mentally, but sexually.

bandit.45

Cross have we ever seen an instance on this site where the WS didn't trickle truth to some extent? They all do it.
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Baffled01

Gave her a trac phone, has Herpes, this guy is a real pro. Probably has moved on to greener pastures. Your wife has definetly not told toe whole truth tho.

anonymouskitty

This is why you need to close down all their escape routes. People need to learn the art of drilling the truth out of their WSs, this is exactly why you need to collect enough evidence and a surprise confrontation works best cause their guards are down.

Most people just jump into it without having facts to back up their argument, no wonder the WS has a nice time leading the BS in circle of self doubt

deejov

Most of the responses are from men.

From a woman's perspective, I have to say I kinda believe her that this is how it went down. Married 30 years, she was a virgin. A woman like that... it might take a loooong time of talking and coffee to win her trust.

Yup, it was wrong for her to do it. It's not an excuse.

It was an EA that went physical, and she didn't mean for it to go that far. Maybe he didn't either. But they were getting SOMETHING out of all those coffee dates. Both of them.

As for the herpes... even the poster who said he didn't get it from his wife for 1.5 years.... it took that long for him to show symptoms. That's all. He could have contracted it the very first time they had unprotected sex.

As for the guy disappearing... if he's married, of course he is hiding. And of course he's not gonna tell her any correct details. He's got his own life to protect.

My thoughts would be more around what the heck were they talking about every time they met? What personal information did she share with him? Does this guy know your name?

I get the drift she was starving for a friend to talk to. Not that she is a serial cheater, at all. If they were chatting online, I would bet she would have never even met him.

Just my gut instinct on this, as a woman. The trickle truth would be what she told him, and what they talked about.

anonymouskitty

This is the fundamental difference between the way a man looks at it and a woman looks at it.

1. Being a virgin does not guarantee virtue madam, we don't know if she decided to skip the coffee go down or not , we need facts now.

2. I hardly think the OM's disappeared, I'm of the opinion that he's being conveiniently left out of the story for OP's wife's own good

3. Justifications again.

4.TT has little to do with what they talked about and more to do with what she did with him, that she refuses to divulge to the OP fearing his reactions, thus protecting herself

Larry2626

Here's what I did today.
First I went to a local private investigator. Retired policeman for 30 years, and a PI for the past 10. Primarily to see if he could help me find the guy. He said he deals with these issues daily and for $75 he'd try, but his best advice was to forget the guy, as even if he found him and told me who he was, the ramifications of taking my anger out on him would be worse for me and my family in the long run and he's never seen anything good come out of knowing who the guy is. Slowly but surely I am putting the "OM" out of my head. Second I asked him about the polygraph. He said for $500 he could do it, but I should save my money and spend it on a therapist. He said whether she had sex with one guy once, or 50 guys 10 times, the fact is it happened and there's no erasing it. If she passed or failed the polygraph it won't change the past. Move on and deal with now and the future, not the past. He felt that if she is still hiding anything, or not telling me the truth, a therapist would be able to get it out of her.
I then contacted my insurance company, and the woman on the phone was a clinical phycologist for 30 years. She cried when I told her my story. She recommended several local counselors. I felt that my wife could better relate to, and be more open with a woman therapist, than a male one, and we'd have a better chance of getting to the "Why's" if she felt more comfortable. I don't need any finger pointing, and having someone blame me for pushing her away, or someone admonishing her for what she did. I need an open mind, and good practical advise to deal with the now, and the where are we going from here. I called one, and she got all choked up hearing my story. My wife and I were approved by the insurance for 20 visits and they start next Tuesday, 7/9 @ 4:30at her office. My wife is willing to do this, and I feel a tiny bit better that I now have some direction, as littlel as it is, every little bit helps. Once I get the results of my blood test in a couple of days, we'll see what kind of mood I'm in then.
Thanks again for all your advice.

crossbar

Oh, you know it and I know it. So, I believe it's our duty to inform the newly betrayed and unfortunates of all the tricks and text book plays these cheaters will try and pull on these guys and gals.

Gabriel

This sounds like progress. But YOU are the one who needs to decide exactly what you need to know. The therapist is bound to not disclose what is said between him/her and your W, so your W could tell him X and you Y, and you'd never know.

So if you have to know exactly what went down, this isn't the way to do it. However, it is a positive step and should help you both in other ways.

Good luck.

Stephanie.Jackson

I want to add something even though I promised myself I would never come back to this forum again due to the rude comments.

When I was 16, I was "talking to" my husband and another guy - just started the same weekend actually. But I had spent a lot of time with my husband and I knew I liked him more. Hadn't had sex with either one of them yet. Eventually, I found myself in the back seat of my car with the other guy, and I remember him asking "can we have sex yet?" and I immediately blurted out "yes" and so he pulled my pajamas down, pulled his shorts down, and put about half of himself into me. And I started crying after realizing this actually wasn't what I wanted, and made him get off of me. It lasted maybe 10-15 seconds tops. Looking back it was kinda funny cause then the other guy started crying cause he wanted me to be his G/F (wow) and I then decided I knew my answer and I wanted to be with my now-husband.

Now to my affair. I had a 10 month long EA/PA with this man (I'm 22 now), which ended 15 days ago. I still vividly remember me rationalizing it when I knew we were about to have sex for the first time. For about 15 seconds my rationalization kept my mind preoccupied that what I was doing wasn't TOO bad. But then I told him "I can't keep doing this" and he kinda dragged out the whole thrusting thing another 10 or so seconds before finally pulling out. And I cried after he was finally out. It felt great but the guilt was eating me alive. Yes we eventually had sex again a few days later, but the point is, as UNLIKELY as it SOUNDS, it's not 100% guaranteed that she actually didn't say "okay stop I am not enjoying this enough (mentally) to keep going." Cause so far I have done this twice, once while not in a fully committed relationship, and once when I was married.

However, her story has lots of holes in it. Maybe the first time she told him to stop. Perhaps they did this multiple times and the second time she finally could go through with it ("I've done it before technically, so why not just finish").

Ya wanna hear something crappy about my affair? When he was on top and just about to put it in, I said "are you clean?" cause there weren't any condoms. And he said "yes", so we proceeded. EIGHT MONTHS LATER we were discussing how we didn't use protection the first time, and I was like "well I asked if you were clean and you said yes so I believed you" and he goes "Umm you've never asked if I was clean." Turns out, he misheard me and he THOUGHT I said "you sure you want to do this?"... *Face palm*. Luckily though he is clean and gets paid to get tested once a month and I've seen the reports... long story.

Sara8

Sorry, I am a woman, a betrayed spouse.

My bet is this lady is a serial cheater.

The OW in my case lied to her husband and is still lying and he like a doofus believes her.

She is a confessed serial cheater, she has had one nighters in club bathrooms, in airplanes and at least one other Long term affair prior to my STBEH's affair with her.

She also claimed she was lonely and neglected be cause her husband works his arse off to provide her a lavish lifestyle.