So I have a question. I don't know how much is too much or too little to talk about feelings with my H. We've never much talked about feelings.
As mentioned in some of my recent posts, I'm now finishing up week 2 of something...not sure what...some type of core change...but my feelings on the whole R thing have changed.
My H has been great the past two weeks. No issues, no drama which must have set a record for at least the past year. I feel that I have now accepted the A. Still don't understand it, still hate it, but I accept that it is real and it happened and there's nothing anyone can do to change it from having happened. And while it hurts, I can think about it and even talk a tiny bit about it without tearing up and feeling nauseous. My triggers are down probably 80% - and I am normally a heavy trigger-er (new word!) for things and places touched by OW and her family. I even made a comment yesterday while we were bbq'ing together that the tongs H was using were OWH's. He said "they are just tongs" and I said "yep, that's what they are". And I didn't freak out or throw them over the fence!
I no longer feel panic-y and my physical symptoms and "tics" I've had for the past year are suddenly gone. I'm not anxious, I'm not angry. I'm sleeping decently. I feel almost normal pre-A, but detached. I haven't been "snooping/checking". I've not worried about other women flirting with him. These are all good things.
On the bad side, I feel no passion. I don't look forward to seeing him like I have been. I don't run into his arms. I'm not saying "I love you". I'm not wearing my wedding band. I'm not thrilled with any bit of time I get to spend with him. I don't feel negatively towards any of these things...I'm just not excited by them anymore either. Sex is still awesome, but it's not any emotional connection. I enjoy sex, and I've been enjoying exerting some control over when and how and just hearing him say DAMN because he is enjoying it so much he can't do anything else but say DAMN. <wink> I'm feeling more of a power trip and pride thing at my sex skills than I am feeling pleasure from loving him.
I don't see the way I'm feeling captured in any of the links provided here or the books I have. It's been two weeks, so I'm thinking this isn't one of the roller coaster loops I've been on for the past year. I feel more calm than ever. Like I don't care. But again, things have been good. I like my H. He's cool to hang out with. He's funny and attractive and above all, the father to my kids.
So I guess my questions to you good people include:
-- Should I tell my H how I am currently feeling? We haven't talked about feelings since I told him I wanted D and had complete meltdown 2 weeks ago (all of which led to my current state of mind).
--Is this normally part of the process? And if so, what category does it fall in?
--What are the chances for my marriage to be a success based on the assumption that my feelings will stay as they are now?
So I guess my questions to you good people include:
-- Should I tell my H how I am currently feeling? We haven't talked about feelings since I told him I wanted D and had complete meltdown 2 weeks ago (all of which led to my current state of mind).
--Is this normally part of the process? And if so, what category does it fall in?
--What are the chances for my marriage to be a success based on the assumption that my feelings will stay as they are now?
Any other thoughts?
addressing each question-
1) well if you've been running a 180 (method of detaching) then you shouldn't be discussing the relationship. I suppose in some way you are waiting to see if he comes to you.
2) It is "normal" in the sense that people run this 180 because they need to do it to recapture their sense of self and what they actually want and not depend on their spouse for their needs and realize that they will be just fine if they do get divorced. I think you chose to run the 180 because you weren't getting enough remorse from him, you were getting some and at differing times, but not completely what you needed so you chose to do this to detach and reassess.
3) I think if it continues like it has been where he doesn't go full force into helping you heal you will end up divorced. I know you told him that you are going to get a D, but have you done anything about like get the paperwork started? It may be the last chance/wake up call he gets to straighten himself out.
to add I think the sex is probably sending him very mixed messages. He may believe that everything is fine and dandy when it clearly isn't
Are you currently in IC? have you seen a psychiatrist? A few of the things you describe are symptoms of clinical depression and may require meds to help you be at baseline.
As far as discussing feelings with your H, I always lean toward being open and honest with how I'm feeling, and I expect my partner to be the same way.
Are you guys attending MC? A moderated environment is sometimes the best place to talk about the things you describe. I'm assuming you want an open and honest relationship moving forward, the best way to get that, is by simply doing it yourself. Dont hold back any of it, if he cant deal with the changes, have him attend IC.
And to add to what AR said- I dont think he truly has remorse. If he did, when you said" those are OW's tongs"-he would have gotten rid of them right there and then-for you. It says to me that he doesnt understand how you feel, nor does he care. He should want to rid you of as many triggers as possible. He cant wipe out the part of your brain that reminds you of his A but he can throw away a pair of tongs...
1) I suppose in some way you are waiting to see if he comes to you. I guess. Normally, I'm the first to grab his hand, hug, text during the day, etc. I'm doing none of that, and he is initiating every contact now. I don't push him away, but I also don't respond enthusiastically. I've avoided replying ILY's to his ILY's except for once when he waited for it expectantly and thus I said it dutifully. It felt sorta foreign.
2) realize that they will be just fine if they do get divorced. I have realized this. I've thought through what it would/could be like and can even feel a little excitement about the prospect.
3) I think if it continues like it has been where he doesn't go full force into helping you heal you will end up divorced. What do I need him to do at this point? I feel confused somehow, even though I've read and read and read all the advice out here. I know you told him that you are going to get a D, but have you done anything about like get the paperwork started? It may be the last chance/wake up call he gets to straighten himself out. I haven't done anything with the paperwork. I have it downloaded and ready to fill out, but haven't done anything with it.
to add I think the sex is probably sending him very mixed messages. He may believe that everything is fine and dandy when it clearly isn't Yes, this. That's why I asked if I should tell him how I'm feeling. I think he's super happy right now. He's getting zero drama from me, zero mentions of the A, and great sex to boot! What's not to love?
PS: My teen son is doing really good also these two weeks. Has not gotten into one tiny bit of trouble - of course with a smashed cell phone and no facebook and no interaction outside of his family...he doesn't have much of a choice. But he could always forcefully leave and he hasn't done that. He's been respectful and helpful too around the house.
2) realize that they will be just fine if they do get divorced. I have realized this. I've thought through what it would/could be like and can even feel a little excitement about the prospect.
then what are you waiting for?
to me this says that you are indeed holding out hope
Quote:
Originally Posted by StandingInQuicksand
What do I need him to do at this point? I feel confused somehow, even though I've read and read and read all the advice out here.
you want someone who won't merely go NC and be transparent- you want someone who will go that distance to help you regain trust. You got SO MUCH trickle truth you will have such a hard time rebuilding that trust. Perhaps he isn't capable? But you won't know unless he does anything and everything that you need to heal and trust again. Canttrustu gave a perfect example, my wife and I got rid of a sofa they had sex on. He can't even think to get rid of a 15 buck pair of BBQ tongs?!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by StandingInQuicksand
I haven't done anything with the paperwork. I have it downloaded and ready to fill out, but haven't done anything with it.
I know it sounds crazy but if you are indeed holding out hope or truly want your marriage to work, you must through with your pledge to file. If you don't you've just made your threat of D an empty threat and that is very dangerous thing to do, no consequence to his actions at all.
And if you aren't holding out hope, then stop wasting your llife and file so you can go and be free to find someone worthy of your loyalty, love and what you have to offer. Even if you don't want to find love again, I think that being alone>being miserable with someone who doesn't make you happy (you can't keep up the 180 forever after all)
Quote:
Originally Posted by StandingInQuicksand
Yes, this. That's why I asked if I should tell him how I'm feeling. I think he's super happy right now. He's getting zero drama from me, zero mentions of the A, and great sex to boot! What's not to love?
also consider that a side effect of you demonstrating that you can be fine without him will sometimes cause the spouse to take notice of you and do things to win you back. The fact that he is now eliciting ILY's and hand holding is showing that is he worried and on some level (subconsciously likely) recognizes that you could be gone soon.
plus he will figure it out as soon as he gets paperwork
Quote:
Originally Posted by StandingInQuicksand
PS: My teen son is doing really good also these two weeks. Has not gotten into one tiny bit of trouble - of course with a smashed cell phone and no facebook and no interaction outside of his family...he doesn't have much of a choice. But he could always forcefully leave and he hasn't done that. He's been respectful and helpful too around the house.
Hell my H threw away anything/everything that had his company logo on it(his EA was with a coworker-he has since left the company to get NC). He got rid of a coffee mug b/c SHE gave it to him at christmas, He got rid of everything. And I really believe that if I said our CAR reminded me of OW- it would be gone by sunset. He doesnt want me to trigger. WHATEVER he can do to lessen those he does ASAP. He changed his hair cut, regrew his 5'0clock shadow just to be different from when he was with HER. B/c I like the shadow-OW hated it. So during A-he kept it off. NOW as a statement to me-he keeps it. Its so small but it matters.
Hell my H threw away anything/everything that had his company logo on it(his EA was with a coworker-he has since left the company to get NC). He got rid of a coffee mug b/c SHE gave it to him at christmas, He got rid of everything. And I really believe that if I said our CAR reminded me of OW- it would be gone by sunset. He doesnt want me to trigger. WHATEVER he can do to lessen those he does ASAP. He changed his hair cut, regrew his 5'0clock shadow just to be different from when he was with HER. B/c I like the shadow-OW hated it. So during A-he kept it off. NOW as a statement to me-he keeps it. Its so small but it matters.
He has not done any of this. Is it possible that he is just really dense about these triggers? That he doesn't trigger that way so doesn't even see them or sense them?
From the get go, I had to tell him numerous times to get rid of all the photos. So many family vacations, weekend trips, festivals, parties...all the memories had to be scrapped as there was always one member or another of that horrid family in each shot. They were all replicated via "the cloud" through all of our devices and pc's and something was always popping up in a screensaver or something. It took several attempts to get them all permanently deleted...then I ran some archive search on our server and found them all again burried in some archive of an archive that he probably doesn't even know exists...but yep, it's all still there! Lucky me!
For another example, he has some major items from the OW and/or the OWH that are visible to him (and me) daily that would be expensive and wasteful to replace...he has not attempted to replace. Shoot, you mentioned a car...my car was purchased during the A and the OW also purchased a car within a week or two of us. My H actually had us both shopping for the same car. Thank goodness I HATED it on sight or I may have ended up with the same friggin car as her. It would truly have been wrapped around a pole by now. For all I know, my current car had her opinion included in its selection. Even it was not my first choice, but H convinced me on it. I sorta hate it now as a result of all of this and if I get D, it will be the first thing I sell. I will get me a hot little something!!!
Anyway, he seems bewildered and befuddled by the triggers. But as mentioned, I'm kinda over them at least right now. I see something, I think of the A, and I roll my eyes. No pain, no panic, no catching my breath, no tears welling up. Maybe I'm over them for real.
Oh and I won't let him shave his body hair (back, chest, etc). None of it at all. He has been accomodating that although he says he feels gross and uncomfortable. But he went no hair anywhere for her after 20 years of monkey man for me...and I told him the next time he shaved anything, I would think he was with her or someone else.
on post 3 of the newbie link there's a quote by chapparal of what remorse spouse should do
I would fill in your D paperwork, hand a copy to him along with a printout of that post and tell him the clock is ticking and it's up to him now
That (Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.) seems to apply more to the time period right after DDays.
I'm past most of that crazy emotional stuff, especially since whatever clicked/broke/shut off in me two weeks ago.
I just can't think of what I want or need him to do. Well one is to have a plan to get out of that freaking organization. The other is not to lie to me ever again. The third is to severely cut back and control drinking. I know he will fail at all 3. So.....????
I think I'm just headed to D but not in any hurry. Is that weird?
The other thought I had. Maybe I've let go of my marriage to him...a man who cheated on me in one of the most horrible ways possible. He's an ass, I don't want to be married to him.
So maybe I have to fall in love with this new him? And maybe I will and maybe I won't?
to me this says that you are indeed holding out hope maybe so - but shouldn't I hold out hope to keep my family together?
He can't even think to get rid of a 15 buck pair of BBQ tongs?!! I don't think it's that. I just think he doesn't attach feelings and memories to an object or place like I do. Or maybe you are right and he just doesn't give a crap. I don't know.
If you don't you've just made your threat of D an empty threat and that is very dangerous thing to do, no consequence to his actions at all. Agree with this. That's why I was asking if I should tell him how I feel. I think I will just go ahead and do that. Let him know that although these 2 weeks have been good, I still can't trust him. I don't see us lasting til death do us part. He is going to lie to me again about something. He may cheat again. And I don't want to risk any of that. So D is still on the table and maybe I put an end date to how long I'm going to marinate on it? A month from now if things are the same, I file?
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Communicating about feelings with men 
