Wives that truly fall head over heals in love with their OM, go through a tough time withdrawing from the OM and many simply can't. This doesn't seem to be your situation and it seems like you were using the OM more like a living mannequin than a man that you wanted badly enough to spend the rest of your life with. It is beginning to look like your affair was much more sexual in nature than emotional.
Even if I THOUGHT I loved him? I really did. Up until Dday. I even thought about leaving my husband for this man... up until Dday. Then bam, nevermind. He could move to Africa for all I care.
I don't understand so many aspects of the affair. You are feeling the guilt now. But what were you feeling(towards your H) when this was going on? Hate(you hated him for leaving you quite a bit)? Neglected(H never cared for you anyway)? Indifference(I don't care what H might think)? Resentment? Or just feeling good when the affair was going on? You must have been in contact with your H regularly during his deployment. What were your feelings when you talked to him on the phone? Or skyped him? What was going on your mind when you did it on the martial bed? What was going through your mind during or after the act? You said you had the guilt the first time but what after that? Guilt but the feelings were too intense and felt great or just indifference?
Couple of things I will mention.
You said you lost interest in OM right after you confessed but did you not move in with him on the D-day.? I am assuming the affair resumed alteast for while after you moved in with him.
It is strange when you mentioned that you would forgive up to 2 affairs before you would divorce him. Kinda strange. Was this the same you expected of him subconsciously??
You cheated on him for almost an year. I think you need to fight for him a little more than a couple of weeks to earn his trust back. You must have realized the reconciling is hard work by now.
What he said about the OM was "So how long did this affair go on? Was it over half a year? I said yes. He said "Did you wash the sheets before I came home?" I said yes (he said thank you). He asked "How many times did you guys have sex?" I said I had no idea. He said "Was it more than 10 times?" I said yes. Then he said the emotional part of my affair hurt more than the physical. Then he asked if the roles were reversed, would I take him back? And I said yes. I always knew, the day we got married, that it would take an affair, then NC, then another affair, the NC, then one last affair before I'd have the balls to divorce him, because I couldn't let him go. I told him I've known this and never told him because a lot of guys would take that as a free pass. He said I wish I was like that, but I don't think I can get past this, and that's when I said the whole divorce thing.
Those questions are pretty standard trauma stuff. He is getting flashes of the affair. Imagining stuff that he never witnessed but fears it has happened. Specially that whole emotional part.
But if your description of events is correct, after all that, it was you that brought up divorce. Presumably having his best interest in mind (by what you said before) you opened that door to him. If that is what it was it is commendable on your part. However i'm afraid that at this highly emotional moment that was not what your husband wanted to hear.
It may seem difficult for you to see at that moment, but you bringing the subject of divorce right after a talk about the OM might have given the idea to your husband that what you really want is to him to just sweep it under the rug and get over it or you'll divorce him.
Hence his distress about not being able to get over it. Inadvertently you have given this man an ULTIMATUM. At a time where is pain is very raw.
You need to give this man some time and you need to get some real MC. Forget about that chaplain stuff. In my experience most of that religious driven MC try to give some sort of religous base to be together. And a marriage held on that is IMO fake. Go to a professional. This is not the time to risk it. It is important to have MC because it avoids missteps like the one i see this episode being.
And you need to work on your empathy skills. You have failed at times to understand how your husband will see things. If necessary run stuff you're going to talk to your husband by the guys here in the forum.
There are many cheated males here. They know what your husband is going through. They know what he needs to hear and what he doesn't. Use it.
One thing Stephanie said earlier really makes me wonder about how society has changed.
When my wife and I got together, we discussed what would happen if one of us cheated. The answer from both of us, was that it would be a deal breaker. Not just because we didn't want each other to think they had a 'free pass'. Because we really meant it.
Anyhow, Stephanie wrote:
"I always knew, the day we got married, that it would take an affair, then NC, then another affair, the NC, then one last affair before I'd have the balls to divorce him, because I couldn't let him go."
She is saying she could handle three affairs. Wow. I would never think that someone would think that way as they are getting married.
Maybe because young people nowadays see this happening all the time. Maybe they are being more realistic about the future.
I have to tell you, that I don't like it. I think people going into marriage should have the attitude that it is forever. That they won't be cheating. That they can count on their partner not cheating.
One thing Stephanie said earlier really makes me wonder about how society has changed.
When my wife and I got together, we discussed what would happen if one of us cheated. The answer from both of us, was that it would be a deal breaker. Not just because we didn't want each other to think they had a 'free pass'. Because we really meant it.
Anyhow, Stephanie wrote:
"I always knew, the day we got married, that it would take an affair, then NC, then another affair, the NC, then one last affair before I'd have the balls to divorce him, because I couldn't let him go."
She is saying she could handle three affairs. Wow. I would never think that someone would think that way as they are getting married.
Maybe because young people nowadays see this happening all the time. Maybe they are being more realistic about the future.
I have to tell you, that I don't like it. I think people going into marriage should have the attitude that it is forever. That they won't be cheating. That they can count on their partner not cheating.
That's my view on it also. If you're going into a relationship like marriage you must be all in. If you're going like "lets see if it works" that's halfway for it not working. And i'm 33, so not exactly that old. Some people do see it differently though.
Even if I THOUGHT I loved him? I really did. Up until Dday. I even thought about leaving my husband for this man... up until Dday. Then bam, nevermind. He could move to Africa for all I care.
Thought about it? It doesn't sound like you put too much effort into turning your thoughts into actions other than having sex with the OM. If you truly loved the OM, you would have not have found it so easy to suddenly stop all contact with him without any emotional repercussions. Nobody who truly loves another can turn that love on/off like a like a light switch. If that were the case, you could have done the same thing with the love you felt for your husband and not be posting on this type of forum. It sounds more that what you experienced with the OM was something akin to a crush because of the attention he was giving you than real love. Ask yourself this, if you and your husband had agreed on an open marriage, would you still be seeing the OM? I think you believe that you loved the OM because it made it so much easier for you to justify to yourself that you wanted him sexually. After all, don't romantically inclined people believe that anything that is done in the name of love is always right? Give it some thought.
One thing Stephanie said earlier really makes me wonder about how society has changed.
I have to tell you, that I don't like it. I think people going into marriage should have the attitude that it is forever. That they won't be cheating. That they can count on their partner not cheating.
SadSam,
This is just typical of our newest generation.
Want a car you can't afford, go lease it.
Want a home you can't afford, go get a balloon mortgage!
Want someone else even if you are married, have an affair!!
Want to be with someone else even if you are married, cheat, get caught then file for Divorce!!!
Our society has really made everything so easy. Divorce attorneys love our current society. So do judges.
Haven't you noticed how many of our current politicians are lawyers????
Sadly SSadSam it is not getting any better out there.
Many people think everything is easily replaceable, even us loyal spouses.
No offense to "Stephanie" here, but this thread has become a complete joke.
It seems she's more interested in hearing herself talk than
actually taking the solid advice she's been given here and making
sound choices from said advice.
Get married, husband goes away ... oh well screw someone else for 10 months. Husband comes back ... oh well, good by OM, no real care about him. Husband not happy with affair ... oh well, if you can't get past it leave.
I am guessing her husband will either stay (and be cheated on again and again - 3 times is her limit - not sure what her husbands limit is) or he will leave and she will have a replacement within a month or two. God help the replacement as he will be in a world of hurt. Oh well ...
In reply to the whole generation thing and getting married. I got married at 19. Up until the wedding day (or perhaps week? not too sure), it hadn't crossed my mind. But being smart parents, my family said we were too young. They said marriage is hard work, and look what they had to go through. That's when I started thinking about what I would do if my husband had an affair. My mom cheated on my dad, then he had a revenge affair. This happened like 4 times throughout their marriage. So I came up with the best game plan possible about what I would do if that were to happen to me, while realistically taking in my personality & ability to forgive. I never in a million years saw myself as being the cheater.
As for the rest of the stuff you mentioned, doesn't apply to us. Bought 2 cars in cash from the dealership so we've never paid a car payment in our lives. We put $20k down on our home when using a VA loan they don't require any down payment, ect. Besides my affair, our marriage felt wonderful.
I do not really know what I felt during the affair. I was kind of in a daze. Kind of like pretending this wasn't happening I guess. We only skyped like 3 times over the year (all within the first 2 months) and he called about every 2-3 days usually. He wasn't in any danger the entire deployment (statistics of being killed/injured are higher here in america than over there at that base, his own words).
I am so sorry for putting emoticons in my post. Yes, that must mean I am not remorseful. Emoticons are totally banned if you are truly remorseful. (Sarcasm btw). Or maybe, just maybe, I had been crying for hours, that I was just physically exhausted from crying? Oh wait, emoticons negate all of that. In case any of you guys were unaware, laughing is a coping mechanism.
As for me giving up on my husband, I am not. But he said at least 10x last night that he just can't see himself getting past this. Maybe after sleeping on it, he can. Trust me, I am still here and still his wife until the day we sign those papers, and if he decides to R one day before the final paper is signed, I am all for it. Why would someone say I am moving on quickly? No. It's called I am being patient and letting a grown man make up his mind. Never did I give him in ultimatum. When I asked him last night why he didn't just tell me from the get go that he can't get past this, his response was "I don't know, I guess I was just delaying it." Neither one of us wants to get divorced. And in my letter to him, I let him know that it sounds so crazy that two people who love each other so much and don't want this divorce to happen, are getting a divorce. I told him he could contact me whenever and that I love him with my whole being. He knows I do not want to get a divorce. But me sitting there demanding him to abide by my wishes isn't going to help ANYONE.
I really, really am grateful for some of your posts. Truly am. But like I said before, nobody can win with some of you guys. If I force myself into his life, I am wrong. If I back away and let him make his decision, I am wrong. If I put myself in a room for hours and cry and make myself miserable, I am wrong. If I go out and try to make myself a better person, then I obviously don't care about my husband, and I am wrong.
And yes, I am still going to counseling. I had to wait until July 12th though so I am in limbo, that was why we wanted the chaplain, just to fill that gap of time. I don't know what is going to happen in my marriage right away. He may or may not contact me. If he doesn't contact me, within 10 days I have to go over there to get my 15 textbooks and my backpack for school which is starting back up. I hope he calls before then though.
Oh, and thanks Morituri, that makes a lot of sense. I don't know if he will see it that way. But I agree completely.
I'm brand new here but certainly not to life. Back in post #125 Mrs. Jackson said "I haven't been attracted to a white man since I was 12". What twelve year old should be having any attractions to any man of any race? This is a 22 year old woman who has identified familial issues with her mutually unfaithful parents and a monochromatic view of relationships that have existed for the past ten years. This woman/girl has never grown up or developed emotionally.
I am somewhat surprised and with respect question why the long term regulars here have not responded to this and suggested that she seek help on a level appropriate to deal with family, developemental and character issues.
This play by play will not help her or her husband or anyone else in her life.
I'm brand new here but certainly not to life. Back in post #125 Mrs. Jackson said "I haven't been attracted to a white man since I was 12". What twelve year old should be having any attractions to any man of any race? This is a 22 year old woman who has identified familial issues with her mutually unfaithful parents and a monochromatic view of relationships that have existed for the past ten years. This woman/girl has never grown up or developed emotionally.
I am somewhat surprised and with respect question why the long term regulars here have not responded to this and suggested that she seek help on a level appropriate to deal with family, developemental and character issues
Because you're being pedantic and needlessly dissecting her posts to make bizarre conclusions.
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