Once again I'll chime in. If you truly want to reconcile with your husband, if you truly want to repair the damage you've caused then you will not settle for any thought, word or action that does not lead to this goal. Put everything else out of your mind. With every action think "how does this affect my husband and our marriage." With every thought think "does this help me get in the correct mindset for reconciliation." With every word think "how can I express this so that my husband knows how much I truly love him." You need to have simultaneous paths working at all times. The first path is that you need to be doggedly determined to stay married to your husband. You need to do whatever you need to in order to stay with him. And I mean everything. The second path is that you need to make your husband feel safe to be around you, safe to be in a relationship with you. You may see him as a big tough military guy but right now he is a fragile as a china tea cup. He needs to know he can eventually trust you with his heart again.
Keep these things in mind as you walk down this road and I feel you can be successful.
Well, we talked for about 2 hours on the phone tonight. He said that he wants to go jetskiing, but that he thinks we still need our space. Which I understand because he said that like 2 weeks ago and we still see each other every day. I got the last of my stuff that I will need earlier today so he said we need to try not to see each other for about a month. Then maybe go to the lake and stuff.
Okay, here is where it gets a little rated R so beware.
I told him that I am still his wife, and if he ever called me up and said come over, let's do it, then you leave, I wouldn't be offended nor would i throw it back in his face for sleeping with me. Well then he said, now that you mention it, I could really use some... ya know. Anyways, I surprised him by pulling up into the house and I ... well knocked his socks off. But the amazing thing that happened tonight, that has never happened in the 5 years we've been together, is I actually finished. With my husband. Wow, still shocked (happy shocked).
Then I put my shirt on and was about to leave and he was confused... said "this is weird. you just had sex with me... then leave with no issues. it's like you're a man" he was laughing when he said this. I probably would have stayed for a few minutes but he is only getting 2 hours of sleep as it is so I left. Now, it's just working on our staying away from each other thing. He said the counseling thing is still happening though.
Well, we talked for about 2 hours on the phone tonight. He said that he wants to go jetskiing, but that he thinks we still need our space. Which I understand because he said that like 2 weeks ago and we still see each other every day. I got the last of my stuff that I will need earlier today so he said we need to try not to see each other for about a month. Then maybe go to the lake and stuff.
Okay, here is where it gets a little rated R so beware.
I told him that I am still his wife, and if he ever called me up and said come over, let's do it, then you leave, I wouldn't be offended nor would i throw it back in his face for sleeping with me. Well then he said, now that you mention it, I could really use some... ya know. Anyways, I surprised him by pulling up into the house and I ... well knocked his socks off. But the amazing thing that happened tonight, that has never happened in the 5 years we've been together, is I actually finished. With my husband. Wow, still shocked (happy shocked).
Then I put my shirt on and was about to leave and he was confused... said "this is weird. you just had sex with me... then leave with no issues. it's like you're a man" he was laughing when he said this. I probably would have stayed for a few minutes but he is only getting 2 hours of sleep as it is so I left. Now, it's just working on our staying away from each other thing. He said the counseling thing is still happening though.
Sorry for the TMI!
See, he's all over the place. Not wanting to see you for a month; yet, wants to go to counseling. Not wanting to see you; yet, getting together for a booty call. Not wanting to see you; yet, still wanting to go jetskiing. This is part of the coaster ride.
What you need to do is focus on ONE THING AT A TIME. Go jetskiing and leave it at that. Take it as a small victory. One thing at a time.
Also, don't be surprised if he calls you up for more booty calls. This would be a case of something called hysterical bonding. That's probably why the sex you just had was so intense. Hysterical bonding is nothing more than a subconsious, animalistic response from him to reclaim what he believes is his. If this happens, DO NOT take this as a sign of his forgiveness. It is what it is so don't read too much into it.
Well, we talked for about 2 hours on the phone tonight. He said that he wants to go jetskiing, but that he thinks we still need our space. Which I understand because he said that like 2 weeks ago and we still see each other every day. I got the last of my stuff that I will need earlier today so he said we need to try not to see each other for about a month. Then maybe go to the lake and stuff.
Okay, here is where it gets a little rated R so beware.
I told him that I am still his wife, and if he ever called me up and said come over, let's do it, then you leave, I wouldn't be offended nor would i throw it back in his face for sleeping with me. Well then he said, now that you mention it, I could really use some... ya know. Anyways, I surprised him by pulling up into the house and I ... well knocked his socks off. But the amazing thing that happened tonight, that has never happened in the 5 years we've been together, is I actually finished. With my husband. Wow, still shocked (happy shocked).
Then I put my shirt on and was about to leave and he was confused... said "this is weird. you just had sex with me... then leave with no issues. it's like you're a man" he was laughing when he said this. I probably would have stayed for a few minutes but he is only getting 2 hours of sleep as it is so I left. Now, it's just working on our staying away from each other thing. He said the counseling thing is still happening though.
Are you saying that she should continue doing the nasty? Bumping uglies? The mattress mambo? That they continue to shag? snog? bump and grind? The slipadeedipadee? coitus? Intercourse?
Just be aware that you might start feeling used after a while if you get back nothing in return. So stay aware of your feelings. Stop it when you start feeling uncomfortable about the arrangement.
Are you saying that she should continue doing the nasty? Bumping uglies? The mattress mambo? That they continue to shag? snog? bump and grind? The slipadeedipadee? coitus? Intercourse?
Just seeing if Im tracking here....
I would say any way to stay in his life while he works through things is advisable.
I agree about staying intimate. You are still married - there is no shame. It only becomes a problem if you or he starts feeling uncomfortable with it. Otherwise, I think it is important - it is connection. And aren't most affairs about connection/sex? You need to bring home what you took outside the marriage.
Thank you for the concern, Warlock. I think I have finally learned how to take sex for what it is, just sex. Maybe I learned that with the OM. Because looking back, that's all it was, a physical body replacing my husband during his absence. I used to be very emotionally tied to sex. IF I get back to that point and start feeling used, I will definitely stop. But in the meantime, it's been like 2 weeks, I was definitely happy
He said no jetskiing until we've been apart for a while (he said a month or two, I have a feeling he will do it sooner than that. No I am not trying to be c*cky, I'm saying he said this earlier and stays in constant contact).
Last night when we were talking, he called specifically because it was bothering him that I said if we divorced, we cannot be friends. He asked why can't we be friends if we divorced, that divorce is just a piece of paper technically. I said why would you even want to be friends with someone who hurt you so bad, that every time you look at this friend you see the hurt they caused you and get so angry? And he said "It wouldn't be like that forever. Over time I could look at you and not see this affair, and we could hang out and have fun." BAM he got quiet. Because he just admitted to me, and to himself that he can move past this, over time. After like 30 seconds of not saying anything, he just said oh my gosh... I totally understand what you've been saying this whole time.... why could I get over this as your friend, but not if we're in a relationship..
Then he called back and was like "We can't be friends. We will always wants to hold each other, kiss, and have sex. But at the same time I want to see you."
Basically, nothing he is saying makes sense. At all. It's that rollercoaster he is on. Cause then he called back and that's when he said let's take a break from each other for a month or two, then see where we go from there and let nature take it's course. He is confusing but I do love him
Basically, nothing he is saying makes sense. At all. It's that rollercoaster he is on. Cause then he called back and that's when he said let's take a break from each other for a month or two, then see where we go from there and let nature take it's course. He is confusing but I do love him
He likely has PTSD, In some cases it can actually shrink the hippocampus of the brain. Hopefully that did not happen to him. Only brain imaging equipment before and after could know for sure or if it's smaller that average.
PTSD causes forgetfulness and hypervigiliance and yes confusion. You can't think straight with PTSD, it's difficult to organize your thoughts and your life.
I think he realized he can get past it. And, you seem so remorseful, I am truly hoping that you two reconcile and you keep your promise of fidelity.
Be patient with his confusion. If you want him, you need to fight for him.
He likely has PTSD, In some cases it can actually shrink the hippocampus of the brain. Hopefully that did not happen to him. Only brain imaging equipment before and after could know for sure or if it's smaller that average.
PTSD causes forgetfulness and hypervigiliance and yes confusion. You can't think straight with PTSD, it's difficult to organize your thoughts and your life.
I think he realized he can get past it. And, you seem so remorseful, I am truly hoping that you two reconcile and you keep your promise of fidelity.
Be patient with his confusion. If you want him, you need to fight for him.
Please google post infidelity PTSD.
Best wishes, stephanie.
Many of us suffered PTSD after D-Day, me included. Of course it was only many years later that I figured that out.
I will discuss the PTSD thing with my counselor on Thursday. I read up on it though, thank you.
My counseling session on Thursday will most likely be IC because he said he may not be in town since he has 20 days off from work (july 10-30th). I may prefer it that way though, just so she can help me out a bit and give me even more insight, then meet him.
But the amazing thing that happened tonight, that has never happened in the 5 years we've been together, is I actually finished. With my husband. Wow, still shocked (happy shocked).
You women are so weird. Same guy, same mechanics, only the emotional side changed, and BAM... Delight. Like Beowulf said, keep "connecting".
I find it is a very good sign that he called you over. It means that at least he doesn't think you're disgusting (i've seen many males saying this and acting accordingly, some are never able to perform sexually with that woman again).
It's going to take time and effort, but you got a chance, don't blow it. Specially be aware when he gets deployed again.
I believe the OM taught me how to have an orgasm, and get myself into the right mindset. It really is a mind thing. However, he did put a lot more effort into it than he used to. We discussed it before I came over.... the things I wished were different in that department and stuff. So between my new-found ability/knowledge and his putting in more effort, I was able to reach the big O. If he had done what he was doing the last 2 years, I never would have.
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Re: I want to die right now 
