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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-29-2012, 08:48 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to die right now

Why do you want him now when you didn't before? Are you sure its not just because he may not want you?
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Old 06-29-2012, 09:34 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to die right now

Well both my parents (Whom divorced 2 years ago) are in the car to give me company and drink together and decide what our plan of action is going to be. Up until my husband called me 15 minutes ago, we all decided that I am going to say f*ck it and move back into the house because this whole living separately thing is NOT working and what else do I have to lose at this point.
Now when my husband called, I got even more confused (but it stopped the endless bawling/crying/cussing/screaming)

H: So what did you want to talk about?
Me: Are you and Angela trying to be a couple?
H: No.
Me: Do you have feelings for her at all?
H: No, I just enjoy talking to her.
Me: When are yall planning this vacation for?
H: Oh we were just all 4 discussing it, no set date just getting ideas and stuff.
Me: And you think it's okay to share a hotel room with this woman right now?
H: I haven't really thought into it much. It's all just ideas and starting to plan things, nothing more. How did the conversation with the chaplain go?
Me: He said you and I need to come in on Monday and we all three need to have a discussion.
H: What chaplain was it?
Me: The division chaplain.
H: Oh SH*T okay so I pretty much really have to come in. Can we do it Tuesday because I am off Monday and that's when I will be coming into town.
Me: That's fine. Now here's the thing. I know you wish I weren't your wife, but I am. And I know you aren't giving a reconciliation a second thought, but I am. And as your wife I feel that even though I messed up majorly, you need to work on this, even if just a little, so we have no regrets because you're being very vague and sending mixed messages. I am doing all I can and you aren't doing anything at all in any direction except maybe against the marriage, but yet won't give me the final "leave me alone forever" text.
H: Oh okay so you messed up, but I have to work on this marriage to fix it? Why do I have to work to fix something I never wanted broken?
Me: No, I am taking that burden and willing to do the heavy lifting in this. But you need to help in other ways. Until you give me a final answer at least, you need to put in some effort.
H: Like what?
Me: I need you to come to counseling with me. Not just this chaplain thing here in a few days, I need you to come with me to all my counseling sessions until you tell me to f*ck off for good.
H: That sounds okay with me.

Then his phone died. SO wow I am shocked, I am getting my wish to have MC together! When just like 4 days ago he said no, not for a very long time, if even then. Now my problem is, do I still put myself into the house or do I stay here in this apartment 3 miles away? Or do I wait for the chaplain appt tuesday? My parents said I should move into the house (before I told them about this phone convo) but they will keep this apartment open in case it goes sour I will always have a place to live. My goal is to get him to stop detaching himself from our marriage and me, and get him to the point where any vacation with any woman besides me is just awkward and feels wrong.
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Old 06-30-2012, 01:32 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to die right now

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephanie.Jackson View Post
...Now my problem is, do I still put myself into the house or do I stay here in this apartment 3 miles away? Or do I wait for the chaplain appt tuesday?
Did he ask you to move out? Has he asked you to move back in?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephanie.Jackson
... My goal is to get him to stop detaching himself from our marriage and me, and get him to the point where any vacation with any woman besides me is just awkward and feels wrong.
Your goal should be to understand why you cheated on him. You can not control what he does, and attempting to do so will only make things worse. You do have a valid point about wanting to protect a relationship from problems, such as your H spending time with a single woman alone, but that assumes the relationship actually exists in some meaningful way. Unfortunately, your relationship with your H is in limbo, therefore not subject to typical standards and protections. If he decides to truly give you a chance and goes the R route, then you can focus on defending the relationship. Best of luck to you.
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Old 06-30-2012, 01:47 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to die right now

Well actually my main goal is to get our marriage back on track. But I need to do the other stuff to get there. Here's the thing though. I am in an awkward position right now. I can't be all like "quit talking to other females, you're still married" because of what I did obviously. But him telling me there is a teeny tiny bit of hope for us, then going out with a female friend, isn't helping anything. I feel though that since he hasn't told me to go away, he owes our marriage something until that point. I would love to ask him to remain free of female friends until that point, but don't know if that's inappropriate.

He said to me that if I want any chance in this relationship being fixed, I need to move out. So I did. He said he needed to clear his mind and he's afraid that if we live in the same household, i will "pressure" him to be with me. My intentions were to just live life the way I am living it here in this apartment and hope he decides to work on us with me. I wasn't going to sit there and say "you have to be with me or else". But this chaplain we are seeing on Tuesday is very much wanting us to live together and so I am hoping having such a respectable figure tell him this will make me not look like such a bad guy for moving in (i am moving back after the tuesday appt I've decided). At least I will have someone else in front of him agreeing that I should. Absolutely nothing good is coming from me in this apartment. Well, before this other female, i was doing okay and focusing on me and I thought him and I were making progress but apparently not quite the progress I was hoping for.

I am so confused. Just the other day he said he wasn't looking for a relationship, he doesn't trust ANY females now, and he's stuck on me. He tells me today he has no feelings for her and they aren't having sex (however its been 5 hours since his phone died and it hasn't been back on since, i am hoping it means he fell asleep, but my emotions and anxiety are thinking omg what if he is with her again). So WHAT is he doing or what are his motives if he isn't trying to be in a relationship or have sex with her? Is he lying?
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Old 06-30-2012, 02:01 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to die right now

He could be on a rollercoaster of emotions because of you. If so, do not expect consistency.
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Old 06-30-2012, 03:26 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to die right now

Stephanie , you need to take your finger off the fast forward button

You can't expect a 'forever' solution to a 10m affair in a matter of days

I am a BS - if my inlaws were conspiring with my WS to force me either back into or fully out of the marriage within DAYS I would run for the hills and probably tell them all to go to H

What? You've been in the apartment 4 days and can't hack it

He is going to test out his feelings about you in lots of ways and he might be testing your feelings too. Try and think about his point of view as much as yourself which you seem to find impossible - that's when your youth comes shouting off these pages

His answers are all as good as they can be for now

You need to listen to everyone telling you that TIME is needed here, again your struggle with that fact is a sign of a very young person

Don't take offence at being called young - you ARE young. You need to be older to look back and know that you WERE young. Perspective changes as you get older. Its to do with each year being a smaller proportion of the whole time you've lived. Just like for a 5y old a day is forever, for an oldie like me , a year is not very long.

He may be done with marriage, he may not but you cannot FORCE an outcome - he will not live in a sealed off marriage fixing bubble with you , there will be outside challenges and influences and things for you to get your head around. He may want revenge, he may want to level the playing field , he may want to punish..... and tomorrow he might not

Its called a rollercoaster for a very good reason and he can't be the only one on it. You're in the next seat I'm afraid
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Old 06-30-2012, 05:00 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to die right now

Practice using the "I" pronoun instead of the "He" pronoun. Some examples;

"I" need to learn why and how "I" could do what "I" did.
"I" have to become the wife "I" should have been.
"I" have to make sure this never happens again.
"I" have to let go of my selfishness.
"I" have to be a truth teller.
"I" have to stop whining and suck it up.
"I" have to apologize to everyone I have let down.
"I" have to be patient.
"I" have to swallow my pride.
"I" have to accept my marriage will never be the same.
"I" have to accept "I" may have destroyed my marriage.
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Old 06-30-2012, 06:25 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to die right now

Steph,

Patience............

If you push him too fast he is going to tell you to f*ck off.

Slow down girl.

Do not move back in yet. If he has asked for space you have to give it to him.

And yes, him going to MC with you via the chaplain is big. Take it as a smalll step forward.

And you have to be honest with him and get him to be honest with you but you have been out of his life for 8 months. I am sure you kept in contact but you did move in with the OM. So I am sure he has a few gf's.

Just ask him to be honest. Do not harp on him or pester him.

It is up to you to prove yourself.

And you know what, no comments like you want to kill yourself to him, to family or to us. You caused this rift in your marriage, you have taken the chance to get your husband back which is commendable so put your big girl panties on and start the fight for your husband honorably.

No crying wolf. If you are upset or need to vent do it here.

I think you are doing great so far but not so fast or you are going to scare him away.

HM64
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Old 06-30-2012, 06:40 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Stephanie, I have to admit I don't like you (or at least the part of your person that I see here online), but what your H is doing is overstepping the bounds and potentially similarly despicable.

I beg to differ with folks here, his actions are a red flag. I could see hanging out with a female friend for support, but booking hotels together with ex-firends ex-gf sounds too much like revenge affair.

Please point him to this forum.
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Old 06-30-2012, 06:46 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Yes he might be trying out other relationships

BUT his bounds and her bounds haven't been the same for a long time. He isn't on the same page as her right now. He may well consider himself single with Steph now in the pool with other available women.

It might be revenge, it might be a 'test' - who knows right now ?

You can't analyse the words and opinions of a BS on a single day and think they will hold.
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Old 06-30-2012, 07:14 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to die right now

If he considers himself single, he should just tell her so. It's not like he has no reasons to part his way, after all.
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Old 06-30-2012, 07:55 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to die right now

Stephanie, if your husband is having a revenge affair, he might afterwards need a lot of help and support from you.

I drifted into a revenge affair after my wife was unfaithful, though I did not realise that was what it was until, well, until I came here, years later.

But when I realised how I had hurt my wife, my self and the OW (she was not innocent by any means, but still got hurt by me) I had a kind of a breakdown.

My wife was kind, brave and good enough to help me through it.

If it comes to that situation Stephanie, can you do that for your man, if he needs you to? I do hope so.
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Old 06-30-2012, 08:40 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Why should he work on the marriage? Why?

My ex h had slept with other women during our marriage. It was the ultimate betrayal. The day I found out, I got up, packed my child, clothes and left. I never looked back. I remarried and I'm happier then ever.

I made it clear to my husband now that if he's ever in an affair emotional or physical, I will pack up the kids and leave. There are no second chances with marriage. You don't betray the ones you love. My husband has the upmost respect for me and focuses on me only. Even if we have been married 20-30 years, if he betrays me, I will leave. I've don't it before.

Your only 2 weeks out of spilling the beans. You've got to put yourself in his shoes. He does not owe you anything. You decided to fall in love with another man and sleep with him. 10 months is basically falling in love, well at least very emotionally attached. I'm sure it's going through his mind over and over, another man touching and having sex with with you. It's quite a disgusting thought, as your finding out.

Let him go. What will be will be. If your meant to stay together, it will happen. However, it takes years to rebuild the trust you once had with him. If he even trusts you again. I'm sorry, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. This would of never happened if you worked on your marriage and problems beforehand. Good luck.

You can not make your spouse do anything they don't want to do, it's controlling. You can not force someone to love you.

Did you honestly think he'd be okay with this and rugs weep under that big rug? 12 days is not a long time. You can't expect him to forgive you in such a short notice.
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Old 06-30-2012, 08:58 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Is there anything wrong if he bangs this Girl, If she can bang OM for ten long months and hoping from home to OM bed on Dday? How can she feel hurt when her actions led him to this?

She is really pushing him over the edge with her demands, so he may be trying to even the field to regain his self esteem or may be looking for a life beyond his ruined marriage.

He may not be sure of what he want right now so let him take his time.
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Old 06-30-2012, 09:01 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to die right now

If he's hell bent on cheating, Steph, you can't stop him.

That said, his self esteem would have taken a vicious blow so he's probably just trying to make you jealous or something. But given that you did cheat on him, I don't think you can dictate terms to him.

Its called a dog in the manger. Now that you've had your fun, you're bltching about your husband doing the same???
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