Me: That's fine. Now here's the thing. I know you wish I weren't your wife, but I am. And I know you aren't giving a reconciliation a second thought, but I am. And as your wife I feel that even though I messed up majorly, you need to work on this, even if just a little, so we have no regrets because you're being very vague and sending mixed messages. I am doing all I can and you aren't doing anything at all in any direction except maybe against the marriage, but yet won't give me the final "leave me alone forever" text.
Right here; at this point, I would have said "screw you" and hung up on you.
Here's the thing. You were in the drivers seat during your affair. Now, he's in the drivers seat as far as where this marriage goes and you really don't have a say in it. Well, you do have a say, but he doesn't have to listen. And after a statement like that, I know I wouldn't be listening. If anything, that statement would have pushed me closer to the other girl.
Here's the rub of it. You don't have any rights to demand that he drop everything and get is ass back there to work on a broken marriage. A marriage that YOU broke! You stated in that statement that you are his wife. Well, you sure as hell didn't act like it when you were having sex with the OM. Sharing a bed with the OM AND living with the OM. And you expect him to take that statement seriously? Like, NOW (all the sudden) you want to be his wife? He's got NO REASON to trust anything you say.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not defending your BS and his actions right now. I couldn't tell you if he's doing this out of revenge or if he's doing anything at all other than allowing your imagination to run wild on you.
All I'm saying is that statement sounded like you are putting demands on him and that's going to push him away even farther.
It can sometimes feel like people are bashing in this section. Yes, there are lots of hurt people here, there are also lots of people who are recovering and reconciling and some that have gone the route of divorce.
What the overwhelming majority of people are trying to get across to you in this thread is pretty simple. You need to stop thinking about yourself so much. A decision from your H about whether he wants to stay with you or not may not come for a while. He may not know himself if he wants to stay with you or not.
You asked him if he was looking to go out with that woman romantically, he said no. What reason do you have to disbelieve him? You've made some really strong statements in this thread, one of the ones that sticks out in my mind is:
"On Tuesday I'm moving back in"
I'm not sure why you still feel entitled to make decisions like that about this relationship. I think until your H really knows what he wants to do, you can't try to adjust boundaries. Nor can you really go against his wishes (he wanted you to move out) without driving him away.
Thinking about yourself, and yourself only, is what made it justifiable for you to have your affair. You may feel uncomfortable with the idea of him hanging out with the woman you mention, have you thought about how he might be feeling about her? Maybe he is capable of maintaining his marital boundaries while he is figuring things out, you have no proof that anything inappropriate is going on between them. Maybe she is there for him emotionally, while he feels you no longer are/never were.
Basically, at the end of the day, as many people here have stated, you can not control what he does, only what you do. If having him hanging out with this woman is a major deal breaker for you, file for D.
Stephanie, let me tell you were your man is right now. You cheated on him and hinted that part of it was sexual issues. Do you know how much destruction that can do? What your man is doing right now is trying to figure out if he is worth something. His feels so lowly and worthless right now that internal confirmation isn't enough. He needs another person to TELL him that other women could be happy to get him. To be with him.
Basically you told him, by your own actions, that he wasn't enough of a man. Now presumably this other woman is stroking his ego and trying to convince him that he is valuable as a person. You need to hope that all she wants, because right now he may take any offers.
And no, i wouldn't go around making demands and decisions right now. One wrong move and you're history on his side.
1- Criminal has to pay his due to the public even when he is forgiven
2- a cheater also has to pay also. so just take it as man and enjoy the ride to have some of your own medicine, atleast his honest with you with every step.
Perhaps this other woman will treat him well. Perhaps she won't say things like the man she cheated with for 10 months has a bigger c*ck and is the only man who can make her orgasm. Perhaps this other woman will make him feel good about himself rather than bad about himself. Perhaps this other woman isn't a control freak.
Thanks to the few of you who are being helpful, or at least rewording your statements to be helpful.
I decided a few days ago (on my own) that I am not moving back in.
I became crazy control lady on Saturday and even he told me that this is not who I normally am, and I need to stop. I told him that the hotel thing really messed me up.
I am NOT forcing him to make this marriage work. I said if you are telling me there is a 1% chance we can make it work, let's go to counseling. And guess what? He contacts me at least 3x a day about when we are going to go, he almost seems excited.
Now here is the crappy part. On Saturday when he told me I am being crazy (I was), he said "This relationship being saved is on me. If I decide I want to date someone, then maybe later on I may not like the girl and she isn't anywhere near as good as you were, then we can work it out. Or maybe I don't want to date. I am not trying to date anyone right now but if it happens, you need to accept it. Because like I said, I might end up coming right back to you. But if you date anyone, you can consider this marriage 100% completely over."
I could get over him being with someone else. I could get over almost anything for a certain period of time. But for some reason that last line of his struck a nerve, and unfortunately I have been extremely numb since that conversation. He still says they haven't had sex or anything, and I do believe him because he had the opportunity to stay in Ft Worth for one more day and he chose to come home early, which knowing him, if he wanted to there with someone he would have.
But I kind of feel like I am doing the 180 on him now.. Which I shouldn't, I know, but that's kinda what "giving him space" is about. Like when he came home yesterday he stopped by my place to hook up my Xbox. I told him it's fine and I will figure it out on my own, he asked if I was sure, I said yes. He left and for the first time since this whole thing started, I did not give him a hug or walk him to the car (he never initiates a hug with me now which is understandable). I could tell he was confused by my being short with him (but still pleasant). And I haven't called him not one time since Saturday or texted him. He ended up calling me within 5 minutes of leaving my house yesterday.
I imagine that me begging for forgiveness, ect, was as unappealing to him as it is to the WS when the LS begs for them back. So if he wants to chase, by all means he can chase me. But I am not putting myself out there like that again. We have our MC with the chaplain tomorrow, we'll see how that goes. I am still so numb and almost uncaring at this point. I know I did wrong, but basically demanding me to wait if he decides to bang everyone, well, killed a lot of my drive for this marriage. I believe it's temporary but who knows. I'm going to let time decide this one for me. I am in a happy place right now though so I am just enjoying it again and I am not going to let the OW which may possibly come up in his life drag me down cause it's not helping our situation.
He is giving you one chance. What the hell do you have to lose???
And of course he left it open that he might date someone, he is trying to protect his heart because you tore it out last year and he is too immature to tell you any other way that he does not want you hurting him anymore.
**Well actually the marriage itself was fine. I think we're too young to handle an infidelity though, most definitely.
Don't take this the wrong way, but this is the most lucid post you have made throughout this whole thread.
My take is your husband checked out emotionally a long time ago after you moved in with the OM. Now you are back and offering yourself up to him. He's now thinking: "Hey, I got myself a nice deal here. Let's see how I can milk this. I'll have my WW to bang at home, but I'll guilt trip her to let me have my space to screw other women, and she cannot hold it against me!" Your husband is a cat and you are the bird's nest on the ground.
I think you two need to admit that you are both wayyyy to young to be married. You need to sow your wild oats and so does he. Chalk it up to experience, part as friends, and go on with your lives before the two of you really start hating each other.
The marriage was fine because we were both extremely happy. Only fought about 4 or 5 times a year, never had any financial worries at all, spent all of our time together doing new & fun things, and we both were doing well (him in his career and me with my school). Just because I cheated, doesn't mean our marriage sucked, as much as I am sure you wished it did it seems like. I cheated out of selfishness and loneliness.
If my age is creeping out, then so be it. I am 22 years old. I have seen people of all ages acting like this. I am numb, to the point where I just don't care. And me looking at his facebook or phone records to see how much time he puts into this OW, wasn't doing anything to help me at all. So I am done. He doesn't want me trying so hard to fix the marriage, he wants to be chill about it. And coincidentally, me focusing on myself and not worrying what he is doing, is making ME (yes, me, I am being selfish here again) feel like the old me who is mentally stable. And it seems to be making him more intrigued by me. But if it doesn't work out, I can't stop him from doing that or doing what he wants to do. So be it. Some of you guys are as informative as a therapist almost, while others help me out as much as a dirty sock. And with that, I am going to take my dog out for a run.
* Also to add, I honest to God think he was trying to mentally punish me with the OW. I don't think he has it in him to actually go through with anything. Because as soon as I stopped showing it hurt me, he stopped doing it. Immature yes, but definitely understandable cause with me and my immaturity, I would have done the same thing I am sure. Which doesn't help anyone.
[QUOTE=Stephanie.Jackson;874923] So if he wants to chase, by all means he can chase me. But I am not putting myself out there like that again. We have our MC with the chaplain tomorrow, we'll see how that goes. [QUOTE]
Ughh....Ummm....okay. What exactly do you want here? Personally, I wouldn't expect him to "Chase" you. I mean, you carried on a 10 month affair and lived with the guy. I don't think he views you as all of that and a bag of chips. But, I seriously doubt he's going to chase you.
Here's the deal, you need to do the heavy lifting, BUT! I also agree with you and you don't deserve to be treat like complete dirt either with him stringing you along. So, what you need to do is to STOP thinking about yourself and what he's doing and not doing for YOU and logically think about what's going on with him.
He's hurt. And I don't think that you truely realize how bad you hurt him. You mentioned feeling numb. Well, I speculate that you hurt him to the point where he's completely numb to you. You left him for another man. He was probably under the impression. that you were never coming back, and even if you did come back, would he want you again? Well, now your back and he has no idea how to process it. The numbness is starting to wear off and now the pain is coming back and he doesn't know how to channel it and let you SEE how much this hurt him. So, the only way to make you see is to try and get you to hurt just as badly as he feels it. Thus, the dating and whatever...
You need to go to MC and find a happy median. Some kind of common ground. Maybe, making a deal. Six months of being exclusive to one another and see how that goes. After the six months, go back to the table and see what you want to do. Continue the relationship or part ways. At least this way, you know that you've at least tried to salvage this marriage and if it doesn't work out is because too much damage had occurred.
Thank you crossbar. Your response is the whole point I came to this forum, for solid advice. Thank you thank you thank you. I realize when I said "chase me" that came off wayyyy wrong. I meant, start conversations with me... call me, text me, that kinda thing. I won't bother him by doing it myself. And it's really working for our marriage's favor. He just called. He claimed he called to ask if I wanted our exercise mat to put under the dogs kennel, but that was a 2 second part of the convo. He was actually calling to see what I was up to and what I was doing. So I will continue letting him go at his own pace.
But yes, digging through to his stuff to find out what he was doing was completely detrimental and i hate turning into crazy lady. The chaplain said he was going to call me back when he's in his office to schedule a time for us to come in tomorrow.
I've already tried to ask him if we can just be exclusive in our convo on Saturday and he basically thought that was hypocritical of me to ask (I do see his point, almost anything I ask of him sounds incredibly hypocritical, but at the same time, if we don't do these things now there is no hope for us). But I think that's what he wants anyways and he was just messing with my emotions. The only helpful thing my counselor told me was "Do you think he just has you in the punishment phase now?" and I believe so. But he is slowly reaching out to me since I am not blowing his phone up. I feel silly looking back for doing that, but at the same time I understand that I was hurting a lot.
I will let you guys (who care) know how the MC goes tomorrow... if this chaplain ever calls me back! Thank you again crossbar and others.
Look, BS have the right to set boundries and as a WW you have to humble yourself and bend to those boundries A LOT! However, not to the point of breaking. If some of the boundries set forth by a BS are unrealistic then there has to be a deal breaker for you. Again, you have to compromise. Try the six month deal again. After six months, if there's nothing there. Then call it quits and he's free to date and sleep with whoever he wants for the rest of his life because the marriage is over. All your asking for is six months. That's it. If he agree's to it, then you better get back on here and talk to people about how to fix your marriage and try to get it on the right track on how to SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE AND HUMBLE YOURSELF FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY!
Thing is, I think he wants to even the playing field. "If you can play, why can't I?" If he does this, I suspect he won't find it as liberating as it seems. He may even feel worse by having a revenge affair. He's trying to cake eat you. Keeping you on the sidelines while he evens the score. Dating other women and keeping you wondering if he is, in fact, coming back.
Now here comes the bashing (but it comes with being remorseful) You were wrong. You hurt the one person that trusted you. A good definition of love is giving someone your heart and trusting them enough not to break it. You smashed it to pieces and then spit on it. He is hurt and not thinking rationally. You need to get him on board with working on the issues. HOWEVER, if he doesn't want to work on them, then there's nothing you can do. It takes two people to have a marriage. You haven't had a marriage in a long time. It's up to him if he wants to build a new one.
I understand, and agree.
I don't think he is actually having an affair with her. Their FB messages (only about 4 each) seem friendly. The phone records indicated that over a week long period, they only chatted on the phone about 2 hours. And sent about 50 text messages, mostly her though. It's more than I'd like, but I know that between me and the OM, we texted a LOT more than that, and he only lived 10 minutes away, not 3 hours like the OW so he has only seen her 4 days max since he only can go there on the weekends. Plus like I said, he had no work from Thursday-Monday and he chose to leave late thursday night and came back Sunday evening. I know when we were dating and he was in the army, he'd fly to TX and we'd spend every hour possible with each other till he had to go back to TN. So he cut the trip 1.5 days shorter than he had to. Plus he said there wasn't any emotional or physical stuff happening.
But yes, this is still cake eating if he intends on doing it later. I will see what this Chaplain has to say tomorrow, because I still very much want to make the marriage work. However, my crazy stalker-phone-blowing-upper attitude that I had this weekend has to be over. I am not asking him to choose to be with me forever, but I am asking if he has a little bit of hope for us like he says he does, to be willing to accompany me to MC (which he is) and not hang around other women in large amounts (which he IS doing and shouldn't at this time).
I honestly don't think he could go through with a revenge affair. But I might be completely incorrect as he was in thinking i'd never cheat. Speaking of that, yesterday I was running late for work and I accidentally left my wedding ring on my kitchen counter (I always still wear mine, he hasn't been) and I got approached by 3 men during my 7 hour shift. I told them all I was separated and I cheated on my husband and I am trying to make it better, and it is disgusting how they ALL said that "it's your husband's fault you cheated, don't blame yourself. Can I have your number?" I was extremely repulsed. I know they were just saying it to get laid, but that is just disgusting to me. Never leaving my ring at home again