I feel like anything I do will be a mistake. If I cry in front of her, I'm not a man. If I don't cry, I'm not sensitive. If I try and help the ws, I'm not allowing her the chance to prove she's trying.if I don't help, then I feel nothing will change. If I trust her, she'll do it again.if I do to much to verify,ill push her away. I've read no more mr nice guy. I was learning alot, but dday changed everything. I'm taking everything so personally now. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: As a newly betrayed spouse, what shouldnt i do
LOSTfan,
You were betrayed and your feelings/thoughts are appropriate for your circumstances. Give it time. It did wonders for me. I would also recommend to take time to do things for yourself. Like read, new hobbies, exercise, education, a new TV show and etc. It will take your mind off it. Have faith because someday you'll look back and see the growth you achieved through all this.
Re: As a newly betrayed spouse, what shouldnt i do
I hear ya. I remember like 5 years ago, I was cheated on by my gf. We were together for 3 years, and I thought it was the end of the world. I ended up completing an archeological dig, lost 20 pounds, and yet became obsessed with her for a couple more months. But it was different. When I found out (after being told numerous times I was crazy, psycho, etc..) I wanted nothing to do with her. She disgusted me in every way.
With my ww, the circumstances may have similarities ( and I have to look at myself for that one), but one huge difference was my reaction. I thought of divorcing my ww for about 1 second. Yet this one hurt more than anything. Isntead of having the energy to be pissed. My energy went to vomitting, and crying, and shaking uncontrollably. Despite what was initially said to her, I knew id take her back if she wanted to try. That doesn't mean id take her back without the proper effort, but I want it to work
Now it feels like, yea she says she wants more than anything to get me back, but I feel like she may think the job is done and that's why I look at her effort as minimal at best. I am starting to resent her because I feel like she isn't perfectly taking steps to show remorse and effort in steps to repair our marriage. I've tried to explain this to her and it went back and forth a few times. Eventually she said she HAD to get to sleep (230am with work the next morn). But she said this, and she never was thir straight forward. She said she will prove how she will show me that she wants us. And she will do everything to prove she's remorseful, including things that just don't jive with her personality. It was like a , boy oy boy, are you in for some happiness tomorrow. It'll be worth it.
Re: As a newly betrayed spouse, what shouldnt i do
She's seen some left over teary eyes. One time in the car, I teared up, and she put her hand on my leg, kissed me and rested her head on my shoulder... but other than that, I haven't let her see my tears.
What do you mean by she's in the affair still? Posted via Mobile Device
Re: As a newly betrayed spouse, what shouldnt i do
You had caught the beginnings of the affair, but she swore it was just talk. She promised to stop. You thought it did stop, but then you found a burner phone. She admitted she took it underground. It wouldn't have stopped if you didn't catch her. Then she told you she kissed him once. Then she told you she had sex with him once. She blamed you for the affair. She said she'd write a no contact letter but didn't do it yet.
Trickle truth. Only 2 days out from D-day #2. Only one day back on the job and she caught you watching her, so she probably knew better than to talk to other man. You caught her once before and she promised to stop, but she didn't.
She seems like she's putting forth minimal effort to help you get over the affair.
Your wife is, at best, still in the fog, thinking about the other man, missing his texts and sexts; at worst, planning to still carry on the affair.
Cheaters are liars. Don't believe her words unless they are supported by actions. Some cheating spouses, when they get caught, are crying, sobbing, snot-blowing, blubbering messes begging not to be divorced. Your wife, when caught, blamed you and told you to have an affair of your own or else you would hold it over her for the rest of your marriage.
Insist on her handwriting the no contact letter. Insist on her writing out a timeline of the affair. Insist on a polygraph. You need the truth in order to make a decision whether or not to divorce. Insist that she start looking for another job. Did she start looking yet?
Some cheating spouses, when they get caught, are crying, sobbing, snot-blowing, blubbering messes begging not to be divorced.
My husband did this and he STILL recontacted his AP after just a few weeks. I never verified whether or not he was in contact; it never occurred to me.
Cheating just isn't something people snap out of. Think how they had to violate their vows and risk your anger and hurt to do what they did. If your anger and hurt were ENOUGH, they would never have done it in the first place. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: As a newly betrayed spouse, what shouldnt i do
Her reason for cheating was that you were jealous and there was nothing going so she decided to make something going on.
You will probably be even more jealous now,is she gonna make something going on again because you are jealous?
And since your spying thing failed I don't think you will be at ease until you see her not wanting to do anything with OM.
Re: As a newly betrayed spouse, what shouldnt i do
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOSTfan
I feel like anything I do will be a mistake. If I cry in front of her, I'm not a man.
That's correct. Very bad to cry. Not manly. I made that mistake a long time ago. Once. Figured it out real fast.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOSTfan
If I don't cry, I'm not sensitive.
Correct. "Sensitive" is not an attractive trait. Be Stoic. Like a man.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOSTfan
If I try and help the ws, I'm not allowing her the chance to prove she's trying.
Exactly. She needs to step up, recommit, and prove it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOSTfan
if I don't help, then I feel nothing will change.
Unfortunately, only she can change it. The problem is with her, you can't fix it. Only she can. Get out of the way and see what happens.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOSTfan
If I trust her, she'll do it again.
You don't even know if they really stopped and you bungled your surveillance and blew your own cover. You can trust her after she's been straight for a few years. Until then, she doesn't get trust. She's proven she doesn't deserve it.
I've read no more mr nice guy. I was learning alot, but dday changed everything. I'm taking everything so personally now.
Read it again.
Your wife is not attracted to you. She's been working her way into that frame of mind for a long time. Women take their attraction cues from other women, so since she has firstly beta-ized and secondly cuckolded you, after you specifically warned her off, she doesn't feel like you have any options as far as other women go. She seems to be correct, based on what you're sharing with us.
Do other women hit on you? If not, why not? You really need to up your alpha game and getting caught running surveillance did not help you one bit. However, you've still got to do it. Or just kick her to the curb, since that is max alpha. If she thinks you're capable of that and she gets the idea you might become attractive to other women, it may change her perceptions of you. A simple rule, move away and they will draw closer.
Re: As a newly betrayed spouse, what shouldnt i do
But that's the thing. I get hit on all the time. I just turn them down. As for her being attracted to what others around her are, yea. She said all the women thought he was the most attractive man there. I wrote her a letter today with my list of things I won't tolerate if she wants to earn back her marriage. Should I nix giving her this? Not manly ? Posted via Mobile Device
Re: As a newly betrayed spouse, what shouldnt i do
Laying down the law is manly, but you have to be willing to enforce the law after you lay it down. KWIM? Penalties must be followed through with. Even if it hurts the lawgiver.
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As a newly betrayed spouse, what shouldnt i do 
