Lying & Denial

iwillsurvive · 04-13-2009, 02:25 PM

It seems to be common that when a spouse cheats- they give you only the information that they absolutely HAVE to. They confirm what you know if you have proof. They tell you as little as possible (probably to keep from incriminating themselves anymore).

It seems that in this process of trying to repair a marriage, things come out, new lies are uncovered, etc, etc.

How many chances do you give your spouse? If they don't come clean the first time? It seems that it is genuinely part of the process, but I don't know how much more of it I can take.

I've caught my husband in several lies post cheating. He's lied to me at first and then later come clean about it. But it's making it more and more difficult to trust anything he says. When do I say when? How many chances to tell the whole truth do I give him?

The part that confuses and frustrates me is that he is genuinely being great at home, but then another thing that I didn't know about will come to the surface and it will make all the progress seem like it was for nothing.

And then I have this side of me that wishes I didn't know anything. Wishes that I could live in denial. I know it's not the answer, and it's just me coping with my day-to-day feelings. But sometimes being in the dark about all this seems like it would be so much easier.

sunflower · 04-13-2009, 03:01 PM

Well for me being in my situation of the infamous poker night is that when you are telling them to see what damage it has done scares you so bad. YOU feel horrible I think that he is ashamed of what he did. And hates to tell you cause he knows how bad it hurts.

raising5boyz · 04-13-2009, 03:13 PM

I think that you are right about things continuing to come out after the initial admission....it seems to be very common. The question is...is he doing anything now and lying about current events??? Trust is such a massive issue for all of us who have been cheated on. I'm not convinced that it can ever be completely restored. I told my husband just the other day the I will NEVER completely trust him again. Basically I wanted to know if HE could deal with that for the rest of his life. He said he could...I sure hope so, cause I have no idea when or how much I will trust him....I certainly don't right now. I mean I KNOW he isn't doing anything right now, but if he started showing up late or getting mysterious phone calls...there would be absolutley no belief in any answers he would give me.

Back to your post: I think that when they cheat they are embarrassed and ashamed...and thats why they want to say as little as possible. Not to mention they have just devasted you and don't want to continue bombarding you with more and more. In a warped sort of way it is to protect you from the truth.

sunflower · 04-13-2009, 03:18 PM

Ya for sure you wont trust him now but I think that given time you need to trust there will be no marriage without that trust. I know its really hard but you have to. If it happends again then you dont and maybe you should be done. But really if you feel he is in it try to start again I mean you already made the choice to stay so you might as well start building it again. You know what i mean its no life for you to be concerned like that I was like that in the beg. AND OMG it was the worst feeling. Then I said you know what if it happends again then I am done until that day come IF IT DOES I will be happy and loving to him then I know it wasnt me. and its his loss.

reidqa · 04-13-2009, 04:53 PM

It seems to be common that when a spouse cheats- they give you only the information that they absolutely HAVE to. They confirm what you know if you have proof. They tell you as little as possible (probably to keep from incriminating themselves anymore).

**No because it was fun, exciting, new and lustful.

It seems that in this process of trying to repair a marriage, things come out, new lies are uncovered, etc, etc.

**That is why the cheater must tell all the most intimate details.

How many chances do you give your spouse? If they don't come clean the first time? It seems that it is genuinely part of the process, but I don't know how much more of it I can take.

**0 Chances, hiding is another form of cheating allows the door to open again.

I've caught my husband in several lies post cheating. He's lied to me at first and then later come clean about it. But it's making it more and more difficult to trust anything he says. When do I say when? How many chances to tell the whole truth do I give him?

** Angain its got to be the first step.

The part that confuses and frustrates me is that he is genuinely being great at home, but then another thing that I didn't know about will come to the surface and it will make all the progress seem like it was for nothing.

**Most men and women are, my ex would wash my feet if she could before going out for her fling.

And then I have this side of me that wishes I didn't know anything. Wishes that I could live in denial. I know it's not the answer, and it's just me coping with my day-to-day feelings. But sometimes being in the dark about all this seems like it would be so much easier.

**Just think days of wasted life, not fair to you if you think about it.

Now be empowered.

Tim · 04-13-2009, 09:27 PM

I was in this same predicament for 1 year. I heard it referred as 'trickle truth' and its true. But my experience with it is that they think about what to tell you...much like thinking about a chess move. They try to play out in their minds how they can make excuses for it etc and they make sure that they have a way out to come out as innocent as they can.

I went through so much of this with my soon to be ex. She sent me on so many roller coaster rides but finally in the end I realized it was more than just a little lying. I'm not saying this is your case, but my experience is that she was giving me sacrificial truths....she would offer these little sacrifices as a way for me to see that she is coming clean. but it kept happening too much.

Now I realized that it wasnt just once that she cheated. She cheated 2 years before the one she admitted to. She still wont admit it but I found out!
Eventually what may happen is that you will lose all trust in your husband if he doesnt come clean all at once...like me. then it will make you doubt everything he says, and you will catch yourself going through his emails one day...and you may find things that blow your mind...like me.

Nip it in the butt and go to couple's counseling. tell them its hard to heal from this by him not coming clean all at once. He needs to let it all out...everything.
He needs to admit that it wasn't an 'oops!' situation. That doesnt happen! People have intent and motives...he needs to be frank about it all, his feelings behind it and all.

My wife refuses. She puts all the blame on me and the guy she screwed...and she wont even acknowledge the night she went out for st. patricks day and had a one night stand. Both of these times she claimed rape too, only to change it later, ridiculous.

Your husband may have a lying problem. That goes deeper than the infidelity. Its not your fault and if he's not willing to change that then I suggest you stop waiting for him.

michzz · 04-14-2009, 02:10 AM

My wife is a truth dribbler too.

It got to teh point that if she were to say she is breathing, I'd have to check to see if air was actually going in and out of her lying lips.