Sticky situation..........
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-13-2009, 03:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sticky situation..........

Hey everyone its me the annoying sunflower! lol Ok so I have a hate issue with me myself and I! need a little help and someone who is real!

So I am sure that you all know my story! well I am in a very VERY hard spot ok so of course everyone well the three of them (husband, and COUPLE) knew about the situation for a year until I was informed. So they all moved on remained friends. Well so this weekend all of our friends and family went camping we didnt go we stayed home but the other couple went the one we got into all or stupid situations with. And I guess everyone got along well things were nice no drama everyone had a great time. SO what do I do would you mend it and be civil or would you stay away completly? HELP ME. I am so lost my H said its up to me to decide but I dont know what to do.
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Old 04-13-2009, 08:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticky situation..........

Hard to understand your post.....is the question would you go with your friends (one was the person your H had an A with)? If that is the case, I would say absolutely NOT. Cut all ties going forward, reguardless.
Anytime you are around that person, you will feel something (could be ashamed, anger, jealosy, etc).
It will be bad all around. If he show her any attention - how will you fell. If he gets a little too drunk,.....all of these are bad situtations by themselves. Factor in the OW and it is REAL bad.
Just my opionion.
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Old 04-13-2009, 11:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticky situation..........

I personally would have to stay away from the couple indefinitely. If you want any peace with your life you're going to have to stop being reminded of it all.
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Old 04-14-2009, 10:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticky situation..........

Ya well how do I do that when they hang out with my H family there is no escaping them plus they live 12 houses down from us. UGHHHHH
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Old 04-14-2009, 10:50 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticky situation..........

Avoid them as much as possible, you won't be able to avoid them 100%, no doubt about it, but never go out of your way to be around them.

Don't visit them, don't go to their myspace or facebook pages, try to avoid places you know they will be, etc.
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Old 04-14-2009, 11:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticky situation..........

sunny...

I am going to say something , and I hope it does not hurt your feelings, because you seem like such a genuine, sweet gal.

But, from reading your posts over the last few months... I get the impression that you almost Crave the drama, in your life, and you're seeking out these situations, so that you can have something else to panic about.

Please dont' get me wrong! You had every right to be upset, about your husband's indiscretions (I'm using a nice word there) and I would have trust issues too.

But, if it truly has not happened again, why do you continue to torture yourself by obsessing and thinking about it 24/7....???

I do wonder, what you would do , if everything was okay, normal, no kissing episode, no drama....

Would you be happy? Ask yourself what you truly want. Do you want to be happy with your husband? If the answer is yes, then you simply will never be happy, while you are still pondering, and thinking, and wondering, and obsessing, and panicking....

You seem to thrive on the drama that is your life. I think somehwere deep inside, you want it this way. I don't think you know how to control your brains desire for drama, and so you give in, and it controls your life.

You've either got to forgive him, and move on, or find your own way, so that this doesn't continue to hurt you. but, moving on, won't do you any good, if you can't get over the way your mind and heart, thrive on the drama, or crisis.

I would Not hang out with these people... I would tell hubby, under No circumstances will they be a part of our lives anymore....

I would move if it's possible... and if it is not, then there is nothing that says you must socialize with them. From the sound of it, it's almost like you Want to be around them,,, to see if any drama will occur.... almost like a jerry springer episode...

If you have kids, imagine what this is doing to them. For your own sake, and any children you have. Please stop thriving on the drama, and learn to set, and achieve goals... the first of which needs to be, letting go of the past....

I wish you luck sweetie...
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Old 04-14-2009, 12:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticky situation..........

OK, I don't know how people are going to react to this, but here are my thoughts.

1. Have you looked at your part in this problem. You have to have some part be it major or minor or it would not be your problem.

2. Figure out your part in the problem and where YOU have been wrong.

3. Apologize for any behavior that you have had that contributed to this mess.

4. Remember it is not about them! You need to make this about you and your part in it. Resolve your part with others.

5. After doing this it should help you to have the clarity of weather you want to choose to live like this. If so forgive all involved and move on.

If you do not want the drama and these type of people in your life move on. Do you want this behavior in childrens life?

Get accountable for your actions and your part and you can make decisions. Continuing on this path is not healthy.

Ken
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Old 04-14-2009, 02:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticky situation..........

Quote:
Originally Posted by revitalizedhusband View Post
Avoid them as much as possible, you won't be able to avoid them 100%, no doubt about it, but never go out of your way to be around them.

Don't visit them, don't go to their myspace or facebook pages, try to avoid places you know they will be, etc.
Ya we have been avoiding them I think that it will be harder now that summer time is here. you know just with family BBQ's and everything it just sucks that we have to give up our lives cause they wont go away.
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Old 04-14-2009, 02:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticky situation..........

Quote:
Originally Posted by marina72 View Post
sunny...

I am going to say something , and I hope it does not hurt your feelings, because you seem like such a genuine, sweet gal.

But, from reading your posts over the last few months... I get the impression that you almost Crave the drama, in your life, and you're seeking out these situations, so that you can have something else to panic about.

Please dont' get me wrong! You had every right to be upset, about your husband's indiscretions (I'm using a nice word there) and I would have trust issues too.

But, if it truly has not happened again, why do you continue to torture yourself by obsessing and thinking about it 24/7....???


Ya I wish that I knew why I do this to and you are right its like I keep wanting to remember its like Kim dont let yourself forget what he did to you kinda attitude. I HATE MYSELF for that I get so mad. Like get the hell over it you know. its pathetic. Your so dumb your lucky it didnt go any further. I am just acting like a dumb teenager I think.



I do wonder, what you would do , if everything was okay, normal, no kissing episode, no drama....


Well before all this drama we did fight all the time I had alot of built up things with him as well as him with me. So I dont know you are freakin me out though I really dont want to be a drama girl GREAT.

Would you be happy? Ask yourself what you truly want. Do you want to be happy with your husband? If the answer is yes, then you simply will never be happy, while you are still pondering, and thinking, and wondering, and obsessing, and panicking....

You really think that? I wonder if there is something that I am missing and thats why I cant get over it at times you know cause most people would and then there is me? I need to do some soul searching.

You seem to thrive on the drama that is your life. I think somehwere deep inside, you want it this way. I don't think you know how to control your brains desire for drama, and so you give in, and it controls your life.

Either that or in some way I want to feel alive still be it good or bad I need to know I can still feel..

You've either got to forgive him, and move on, or find your own way, so that this doesn't continue to hurt you. but, moving on, won't do you any good, if you can't get over the way your mind and heart, thrive on the drama, or crisis.

I would Not hang out with these people... I would tell hubby, under No circumstances will they be a part of our lives anymore....


Great advice I actually text him and said I made a choice that I dont want them to be apart of our lives ever that chapter in our lives is closed. and he said ok and was fine with it.

I would move if it's possible... and if it is not, then there is nothing that says you must socialize with them. From the sound of it, it's almost like you Want to be around them,,, to see if any drama will occur.... almost like a jerry springer episode...


Ha Nah they were gone this weekend camping and I felt great I could come home wander outside without fear of them driving by it was nice!!!!!!!!! SO nice it was almost like I forgot.

If you have kids, imagine what this is doing to them. For your own sake, and any children you have. Please stop thriving on the drama, and learn to set, and achieve goals... the first of which needs to be, letting go of the past....

I wish you luck sweetie...

Thank you though I know you arent trying to be mean and I understand I can be annoying on here sometimes I just need to breath and gather my thoughts you know and just thanks god for all I have in my life and say screw you to the people who think me or my husband are stupid and to the ex friend telling people that he wanted her well thats BS right.
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Old 04-14-2009, 02:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticky situation..........

Quote:
Originally Posted by globalflex View Post
OK, I don't know how people are going to react to this, but here are my thoughts.

1. Have you looked at your part in this problem. You have to have some part be it major or minor or it would not be your problem.

Ok so my part in the problem is that I stepped out first I played strip poker with our friends His best friend and my best friend broke his heart. Then after me finding out well I have been A PILLLLLL to deal with it hasnt been easy ride for him at all and he has stuck it out with me. I know alot of people would have broke and said goodbye but he loves me. I need to see that.

2. Figure out your part in the problem and where YOU have been wrong.

Guess I kinda answered that in the first question huh!

3. Apologize for any behavior that you have had that contributed to this mess.
Ya I have told him sorry about a million times. I get into these moods sometimes and it sucks but I am getting better we are working on that!

4. Remember it is not about them! You need to make this about you and your part in it. Resolve your part with others.

I know why is it that I am making this all about them and getting so mad at them for still hanging out I mean they are all of our friends I dont know I guess since they are the main cause of the drama and each of our fights that I just figured they would be the ones to not come around but obviously they are stronger people then me. Or I just look stupid holding on when they are all moving on.

5. After doing this it should help you to have the clarity of weather you want to choose to live like this. If so forgive all involved and move on.

If you do not want the drama and these type of people in your life move on. Do you want this behavior in childrens life?

Get accountable for your actions and your part and you can make decisions. Continuing on this path is not healthy.



THIS LAST ONE get accountable thats hard I cant even tell you my struggle that I had with this cause I was always in my own defence of bs whatever me playing that game wasnt compaired but I didnt realize until talking with revitalisedhusband that men and women view kissing differantly he took me getting almost naked worst then him kissing and I the opposite so...... Ya I dont know. and I know why they did it twice the first time wasnt even lagit they were both so drunk I dont think they knew what was going on. all he knew was oh **** this happend so he used the little hoochie in his attempt of midlife crises or whatever you wanna call that lol!

Ken
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Old 04-14-2009, 06:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticky situation..........

Hey sunflower. I think you are very nice and we've had good emails back and forth but I have to agree with Marina.

Also, there are a lot of red flags in your responses to Marina's post...you really need to see a counselor because I can see you spinning out of control and not only will you suffer but so will your children....

please, go to a counselor, I think I've mentioned this a few times to you already.

Start with the part where you said you need the drama to feel again. Please...
When you act out of emptiness and lonliness, it is very dangerous and I suspect thats where all these circular posts are coming from and it can even be why you played strip poker....and its why you want the drama...
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Old 04-15-2009, 11:09 AM   #12 (permalink)
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You guys really think that I need couseling Ughhh REALLY I dont know. I just dont know? I mean Ya I think that I am having a hard time but more because of what I lost and what I am focusing on I just think I need to redirect my focus you know.
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Old 04-15-2009, 11:20 AM   #13 (permalink)
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...counseling, both of you.
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Old 04-15-2009, 11:35 AM   #14 (permalink)
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WE did though and things were going great I mean I love him to death I do and things are good BUT its me leaving my pride and issues at the door! I dont know why I hold on and put myself in that I guess I just think he wanted her
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Old 04-15-2009, 11:47 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sticky situation..........

well then you need to explore those issues with a professional that knows his/her way around them more than you do...they will provide guidance and help you discover the source of your behavior.

For example, I'm a codependent because I was raised by my mother, and I watched her work herself into the ground. I grew up hearing things like "You know what happens if I decide to get sick? We'll be living under a bridge!" I watched my mother put us kids first and I took on that behavior.

I grew up in fear. I had a little brother and I felt the need to protect him and watch for him like my mother did for all of us. I have now a nurturing complex.
I put myself second...always...and its only now that I'm starting to do the opposite and it feels freeing yet very scary....

anyways, enough about me. Thats just an example of what I got out of counseling. You need to bring up those core issues about yourself. Also talk about how you react to things, especially talk about your feelings and how you react to your feelings.
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