Cara

Oh my god, you are in no shape to be discussing the impending divorce with your kids as an ADULT. These kids are not your friends or therepist, they have no business being saddled with your bitterness over how you have been wronged. To behave the way you say you would all through this thread is really mean, spiteful and abusive to kids it is your duty to protect. So life dealt you a sh!tty hand, dont drag your kids into this mess and try to manipulate them into taking your side. He will ALWAYS be their father, and if you bad mouth him and his GF you will put the kids in a very unfair place.

NONE of this is their fault. Please dont make them pay for the mistakes made in YOUR marriage. .
Posted via Mobile Device

Lone Star

Really Cara?
He will ALWAYS be their father but being a father is much more than walking out on them for another woman. If cdm's children decide to live with her exactly what kind of hand have they been dealt? The same sh!tty one she has. What kind of decent woman takes part in breaking up a marriage and family but yet can't wait to meet the children? Where's the OW 's part in the abuse of these children? And don't bad mouth the GF? That's deep. Don't make the kids pay for the mistakes in the marriage? What about their father making them pay for the mistakes in the marriage by running off with the OW? Aw, but he can't be faulted for what is happening to his family..........
Your response sounds like something the OW would say. Were you an OW at some point in time?

MattMatt

OK, let's suppose a spouse has stolen a large sum of money and is going to jail for a long time.

Should the children be told why in terms appropriate to their ages, or lied to?

By covering up you minimise the fact that they did wrong. This is almost as bad as the betrayal.

"Hey, kids! Your dad/mom betrayed me and they betrayed you! But that's OK, because they want me to rugsweep this whole damn mess under the carpet!"

Well no s**t! Of course they do! They want to lie to your children, well, there's nothing you can do about that. But YOU must not enable their lies.

They lied to you during their affair. Their affair was built on lies. Their relationship with their children was, throughout that affair, built on lies.

Do you really think that it is appropriate for them to be able to continue to have a future relationship with their children that is based on lies?

When the truth comes out -which it will!- do you want to get the fallout from this horrible event? Of course not!

The way to prevent this from happening is to tell the truth, now!

If your husband wishes to continue lying to his children, that's his lookout. But do not be his enabler. That he wishes you to fill the role of an enabler for his lies shows ZERO respect for you. Which is probably what made him feel able to have his affair, isn't it?

MattMatt

Cara, the husband dragged the kids into this mess. Not the wife. Just thought I'd remind you of that.

MAP

I hope Cara answers your question. Are you there Cara?

cdm9999

Thank you MattMatt.

And, to all, of course when I wrote my feelings for the OW, I was expressing my pain and hurt "outloud" here in the forum....I wouldn't express that so blatently to the kids.

But they will know the truth in as sensitive way as possible. They have to know this is their fathers doing and fault. Not just dealt a sh--ty hand.... a choice was made by him to do this... not ooopps just happened by chance....he made a conscious calculated choice and chooses to continue that choice.

Eli-Zor

Your making the right decision never doubt yourself.
Posted via Mobile Device

Cara

Real cute, whatever.

So, no, I have never cheated, but I have been cheated on a couple times. My point, had you been able to glean it from my post, is she HAS to be an adult, and the behavior she has been claiming she will take with her children only has the result of involving them in a horrible situation it is HER job to try to sheild them fromn as much as possible. She is trying to turn the kids against him & the GF. Manipulative & mean all around.

Parents put so much garbage from their marriage on their kids in bad situation such as this, why you would support her in her petty attempts to score points off her STBXH or the GF? Seriously, how is that ok to do to kids who did not ask to be brought into this.

So the daddy did mama wrong. I get it, it hurts like hell and she feels her world is ending. But, she has 4 kids who need her. If she spreads her venom about the ex and his GF the kids will know she cannot be trusted in times when they mess up. Someone has to be the adult here.

He cheated, I get it, he effed up the whole family. Let him be the bad one, but if she does to her kids what she claimed she wanted to do SHE will also become one of the bad ones.

Cara

See my reply to the other poster. There is no reason on earth to manipulate your kids into "taking your side" in a divorce. Yes, the cheating was his fault, but they all must find a way to heal and move on.

Telling your children they may not like the GF is insane. Hate her if you want, leave the poor kids out of it.

costa200

Deal with kids every day. Listen to their problems and try to solve the mess their parents make of them. Don't, for a second, believe kids won't pick on everything that has been going on and take sides.

They don't even need to be told to hate the other woman. They'll do that instinctively.

Having said that, with young kids you need to tell them the whole truth in the most neutral way possible. Without passing judgments of your own. The kids will figure out the rest by themselves.

Thor

I don't think it wise to shield the kids from the real world, and it is definitely not a parent's job to shield kids from as much as possible. Our kids need to be well informed about the world so they can deal with it when they are adults.

Now this I agree with. The parents should not use kids as pawns or bargaining chips, nor should they try to get the kids to take sides in a divorce.

Lone Star

Nice response Cara, but I'm curious. Do you have older or adult children? Have you had to deal with the particular situation as cdm or myself? Just curious if your judgement is based on experience or just you own 'right' ways of doing things.
As for the gf, adult kids that have been raised with any morals more than likely will instantly dislike her. She is viewed by the kids as the person that destroyed their family, even though it was their father's lies and betrayal that started the situation. They asked themselves what kind of woman does this to another family? For instance, my youngest son (18 yo) refuses to go visit with his father. Why? He never wants to meet the woman that destroyed his family. He doesn't want to meet the woman and her children that his father is now living with and supporting even though we are not divorced. He doesn't want anything to do with the woman and her children that are being supported well by his father while is his father continues to provide less and less everyday to his family of 20 years.
So you can go on and on about the garbage parents put into their kids, and I am sure that is true in some cases, but on the other hand, children are not nearly as dumb as you might think.

Zanna

This is exactly why the children need the truth.

Her WS plans to blame his leaving on the OP.

She didn't listen to him when he was unhappy?? Oh, okay. Clearly, he had a good reason to cheat then...

She can tell her kids that they are BOTH responsible for the marriage problems but she doesn't have to own his cheating at all.

As for the GF...she's an OW not a GF and the kids are going to dislike her if they've been raised with good morals and values, regardless of what OP says to them.

For instance, as my oldest said on D-day, (unfortunately I was dealing with a batchit crazy OW blowing up our home phone so everyone got dragged into the mess) "I will never meet that ugly b!tch and neither will my brother or sister!" She didn't realize the A was over but she was adamant to both her father and I that she would never meet a homewrecking ***** and she would make sure her siblings didn't either. This is my normally shy, quiet teenager, honour roll, never sworn at us in her life and she was having NONE of it. Teens already have some pretty strong values, morals and opinions. In my case, if the A had not been over, I wouldn't have had to say a word to my kids about the skank as they would have already figured out that a woman who purposely gets involved with a married man, knowing FULL well the damage it will cause is NOT worthy of their respect.

cdm9999

UPDATE: (last post was 7/01)

Last week: I told my WH that we have to tell the kids....he said he is not telling the kids. So I said then I will. That was last week, but i didnt tell them yet.

So this morning i called him at work and said i am telling them tomorrow but if he wants to do it together, i would. He said he wants to do it together.

But he is asking why i am doing the D and i said because i cant live with 3 people in a marraige and he is having and affair/sex with her. He is saying he isnt having an affair.

I have evidence via a VAR in his car and heard a very telling conversation that proves sex, affair of long time (a year or two), he loves her, etc. so that is my proof, yet he doesnt know it. I know that you are not allowed to tape a conversation between two people that dont know they are being taped.

So, i think he is going to lie and say there was never a physical affair or sex and i think that will be the story he will tell the kids and if i say that i know that it was an affair, he will say it is not. Because I feel i cant devulge the source (other than me saying that I know for sure but wont say how i know)....this could get to be a problem with us when we tell the kids.

If he is there saying," you dont have proof and nothing happened between them physically", what can i say? I was thinking of saying that someone i know saw them together, but other than that, I may look like i just really dont know for sure and i am speculating.

I need the kids to know the truth and not question whether there father maybe didnt really have the affair. Because for sure, he did/is.

What do u think?

Shaggy

IF you are going for D, and you are done collecting evidence I would tell him you have a recording of him and her loud and clear.

You don't need to play it, but I would make sure you've got it backed up someplace outside the home that he can't get to.

While taping two people isn't allowed it also isn't something that especially in cases like this is ever going to be pursued. First, prosecutors have much bigger fish to fry than a BS catching their WS cheating, and they have limited budgets. This doesn't make the cut. Second, your WS won't want the recording coming out as it will blow the lid off his cheating.

So if your done with the source then go ahead and expose it to get him to finally admit the A and let the D process proceed. Right now he's living in the false assumption that he can somehow still pull the wool over your eyes if he can just keep on denying long enough.