cdm9999

I have posted my story in threads titled "My husband wants to rekindle with his first love" and "Should I name OW as Co-defendant in Divorce?" (the latter is the more updated, abridged version)...sorry dont know how to link the threads

My question now is how and when to tell the kids (ages 18,17,12,6)....... I am in the process of filing for D which will happen next week and he will be served shortly after. He is having an affair and this is why i filed. I am devastated and still love him but i have no other choice since he wont cut her off.

I am thinking I should talk to my WH about how to tell the kids.... I didnt talk to him yet. I feel like I/we should tell them that there is a OW and that is why i am D him. I have a feeling that WH wont want me to tell them this. He probably will want to say that we just dont get along and he hasnt been happy in the marraige. What do you think? Of course, the 6 year old wouldnt be a part of this discussion.

I want to do what is best for kids but I don't want them to think I am D their father for any other reason but the infidelity.

I also want them to know that I don't want them to accept the OW and that I would concider that a betrayal as their mother since she was a part of this. Am I wrong here?

BTW.. the kids dont have any idea the impending D is happening...they see their parents arguing and stuff but that is nothing new

Opinions?
Thanks.

Complexity

I wouldn't talk to him first, he might do alot of re-writing and blame you for the affair to the kids.

lamaga

This came up here recently and there was a wide divergence of opinions -- basically two camps. One which says OF COURSE YOU MUST PUNISH HIM BY TELLING THE KIDS, THAT DIRTY DOG and the other that said no, it's better to protect the kids from these kinds of adult issues. Probably clear from that description which side I'm on

But seriously, both sides have their merits. I think only you and your husband can decide this. Just make sure that you honestly search your heart and are telling the kids because it's in their best interest, not because you want to get that last little bit of vengeance. At this point, your children are going to have to go through their parents' divorce -- what will make that easier for them? That really should be your main priority.

Good luck.

lamaga

Also, about the OW, please do realize that once he is divorced, you will not have a say over who he socializes with or whether he introduces that person to your children during his custodial days. Tough, but true. If you put your kids in the middle, everyone loses.

pidge70

I believe the older children should be told exactly what is going on. As for the 12 and 6yr old children, might try and find a kid friendly way to explain it to them.

This I do not agree with. You are putting your kids in an awful position.

Eli-Zor

Rubbish, don't make up words to sway the poster.

lamaga

And I clearly made fun of myself within the same paragraph, silly. Calm down, try decaf.

Eli-Zor

Agree

Not telling the children of his affair makes you complicit furthermore your children will know more than they are letting on.

What they require is for you to be honest , to help them through this and not to cover up your husbands behaviour with more lies.

Choose your words carefully, tell the truth, ensure they know they are not to blame let them know that you love them and will look after them.

Eli-Zor

As the poster is in a poor position and seeking genuine advice I guess we are all laughing at your "fun"...once again.

Apologies for the thread jack

pidge70

OP is a female. Her H is the one messing around.

survivorwife

Your 17 and 18 year old require the truth. Sure, they may initially be angry with their Dad, but time will heal that rift. You can't lie to them. If you downplay the truth, or pretend that you are partially to blame, you become complicit in the lie. Please don't do this. Be truthful. No need for some details (this is not lying) but answer their questions as honestly as you can.

The older children will undoubtedly fill in the younger children. No need for arguing in their presence. And no need for you to defer this to your WH. Let him handle his version, you just tell the truth without anger, editorializing, "just the facts".

anonymouskitty

Think the 17 and 18 year old require the complete truth without mincing any words, just don't paint the picture that Dad is an arsehole.

The 12 year old requires a watered down version.

The 6 year old requires reassurances.

survivorwife

Well? My grown son concluded that his Dad was, in fact an arsehole and was very angry with him at first. It's been 4 months since we separated and our son has had a few discussions with his father. Although he still thinks his Dad is an arsehole, his anger has subsided and I can see where, since his Dad admitted his acts (said I was 99% correct) and knows he will have to pay for his mistakes, our son sort of feels sorry for his father.

I'm fine with that. I had hoped that our son would maintain a relationship with his father, and did not discourage this. I think my son was worried that I would feel betrayed, and I assured him that everything is fine. He needs his father. He already has me.

anonymouskitty

The thing is as parents its harder to deal with the loss of respect in the eyes of those whom you've created and helped raise than in the eyes of the person with whom you raised your children. That was probably one of the main reasons why I didn't go out and have an RA of my own. Mostly because I don't think I would be able to explain what mom and dad did to each other and to the family to any of my kids

Lone Star

The older kids should be told the truth. The younger kids are different. The older kids probably already have a good idea of what is happening. It's a hard decision to make, but if you don't tell the older kids their father will continue to have a deceptive relationship with them. If your husband wants someone else then he needs to tell his kids and you need to be there to stop his rug sweeping during the conversation.