It's weird. I can almost feel you rug sweeping this. No consequences. You'll be a doormat for the rest of your life.
While my writings might be coming off as passive, I'd say it's more me trying my best to be levelheaded, and not make angry/ranting posts.
Where are we now? I have not forgiven her. She is drafting a No Contact letter that I will read later tonight. She is saying she is willing to do whatever it takes to try and repair our marriage, what she did was a terrible thing, etc.
For me, I have not yet told her either way what I want, D or R, but she knows both are on the table. If the NC letter is a step into R, then that's not what I consider it. I consider it something that just needs to be done. Same thing with requesting a STD test, which she has agreed to do. She also knows I don't consider a clear STD test as me wanting to do anything physical with her again (which I can't and don't want to think about right now)... like the letter, is just something I am demanding be done regardless of my eventually choice.
People have mentioned getting out of limbo as soon as possible is important. How long is that? Days? Weeks? Months?
I will also check out the Mr Nice Guy book when I get a chance.
Hi happydan. I'm so sorry you're going through this. The fact that your wife was upfront with you about it and chose to tell you instead of hiding it is good, but your mind is no doubt spinning in many different directions right now as you try to figure out where to go from here. You guys have a long history together, but the trust and commitment you've built has been badly damaged by her decision. I talked to a lot of people in your position in my time with Focus, and I know without a doubt that restoration is possible - difficult, but definitely possible. You've gotten a lot of mixed advice from the online community, but it may also be helpful for you to lay it all out there with a counselor too before you make any major decisions. If you don't know of one, you can talk to one at 855-771-4357 for free. Your wife can call too. There's also a great book you may want to check out called Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs: Christianbook.com: Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair: Dave Carder, Duncan Jaenicke: 9780802471352. If diving into something as lengthy as a book is too much for where you're at right now, this article series has some good insight to offer: Affairs and Adultery - Focus on the Family. Hang in there. Take one day at a time, and don't stop the honest communication with each other.
While my writings might be coming off as passive, I'd say it's more me trying my best to be levelheaded, and not make angry/ranting posts.
Where are we now? I have not forgiven her. She is drafting a No Contact letter that I will read later tonight. She is saying she is willing to do whatever it takes to try and repair our marriage, what she did was a terrible thing, etc.
For me, I have not yet told her either way what I want, D or R, but she knows both are on the table. If the NC letter is a step into R, then that's not what I consider it. I consider it something that just needs to be done. Same thing with requesting a STD test, which she has agreed to do. She also knows I don't consider a clear STD test as me wanting to do anything physical with her again (which I can't and don't want to think about right now)... like the letter, is just something I am demanding be done regardless of my eventually choice.
People have mentioned getting out of limbo as soon as possible is important. How long is that? Days? Weeks? Months?
I will also check out the Mr Nice Guy book when I get a chance.
Good job. You did well in conveying to her that you are undecided on whether to R or D because you need some time to allow your emotions to settle down before you can make an ultimate decision which you can live with for the rest of your life.
Use this time to seek help from a professional counselor who specializes in helping victims of infidelity and PTSD. Believe me it is money well spent for your personal recovery.
Here is a free copy of NMMNG that you can download and print No More Mr Nice Guy.
Lastly, the following information can help you to deal with the mind movies.
Thank you GridGal and morituri, your posts contained good information for me to read/access.
I've been reading *a lot* on this forum, and to save the details, after some minor trickle truthing, it seems my WS has been doing everything she should be on her part, without any complaints.
Is there such a thing as "too soon" to begin R? I feel like this just happened, but my WS has been extremely supportive, it makes me think it could be time to start the R process. At the same time, it doesn't seem "fair", to me, that I would allow us (her?) to start R so soon.
And yet another part of me thinks that even though WS is doing a great job, the fact that this happened after only year of marriage says it's too big of a risk to continue on, and that D is the best option.
Thank you GridGal and morituri, your posts contained good information for me to read/access.
I've been reading *a lot* on this forum, and to save the details, after some minor trickle truthing, it seems my WS has been doing everything she should be on her part, without any complaints.
Is there such a thing as "too soon" to begin R? I feel like this just happened, but my WS has been extremely supportive, it makes me think it could be time to start the R process. At the same time, it doesn't seem "fair", to me, that I would allow us (her?) to start R so soon.
And yet another part of me thinks that even though WS is doing a great job, the fact that this happened after only year of marriage says it's too big of a risk to continue on, and that D is the best option.
So confusing!!!
HD - everyone is different. There is no set time frame. YOU are now in control and you must decide what is best for you. How long does it take to make that decision - you make it when you make it.
Having just found out about her affair, your emotions are all over the place. Take some time to settle down and think clearly.
There is no hard and fast rule that says if you decide to R that you are stuck with that. Some here have tried to R for months and it just didn't workout for one reason or another.
So - take your time - decide what you want - decide if you can forgive her - decide if you can truly love and trust her again. Don't rush - you are talking about what is probably going to be one of the most life changing important decisions you'll ever be faced with.
Dan---why are you saying, she is willing---she should be down on her knees, begging to do, whatever you want---she should be extatic that she is getting the greatest gift she will ever get---a 2nd chance
As to the other guy, contacting you---why not--he knew you didn't know---had you known, anything, their little study tryst would have ended, on the spot
You are gonna R., with your wife---at least that seems the way you are leaning
Do not just let her, go back to her life style, as if nothing happened-----she has to have some accountability, and do some penance, or she will know she can cheat, again, cuz you will take her back, w/out major consequences
Make her sleep by herself for a while, no dates, good times, whatever it is the 2 of you do together. don't be lovey--dovey, or mr nice guy---if you wanna do those things, wait a couple of months---she should not just be able to go back to what it was before she brought nuclear winter down on your life
Her being open, and transparent, and you being a parole officer, is not a penance, there has to be some form of punishment---otherwise, why are we all here.
And yet another part of me thinks that even though WS is doing a great job, the fact that this happened after only year of marriage says it's too big of a risk to continue on, and that D is the best option.
With no children, this part of you is making sense.
Remember in an earlier post you said "Today she came to me and admitted she kissed P last week, and yesterday, told P she liked him. P said he didn’t feel the same way back, but was still attracted to her. There was more kissing and she ‘went down on him’". This means that she had feeling for him that he did not have for her and that he told her that he only wanted her for sex. She was the pursuer so she went down on him to try to win him over. His lack of having feelings for her is the only reason that the relationship did not deepen like she would have liked. Had he returned her feelings, they would be deep in an affair right now and she would not have told you a thing about it.
Answer these questions. Where would your marraige be right now if not only did the other man (OM) return her affection but actually pursued her? Knowing the answer to the first question, can you ever really trust her? Again, without children, move on. She did this when you are still newlyweds. As a long time marred man, I can tell you that the first year is not the hardest year of a marraige.
You are in control. Things are going to go at your pace and according to your timetable. Is it too soon to start on the R? No, just like its never too long into the R for you to pull the plug and file for D if you feel its not working out. You have to decide if this is something you can get past or not and you don't have to make that decision today, tomorrow or even this year. The best advice I can give you at this early stage is simply this: do not sweep this under the rug. Use the resources here on TAM. Read some books on recovering from infidelity. Go to MC if you feel its important. Make sure you understand all the angles and make sure she accepts responsibility and faces the consequences for her bad choice. remember, no consequences = another potential affair. And you don't want to go through this again.
Dan, you need to divorce her as soon as possible. If this sort of thing has happened in a 1 year marriage with little actual marital stress, what will happen in the future? Her stressing about a test isn't any excuse at all. That she told you may be a sign of guilt, but it may also be a sign that she views you with little or no respect, and doesn't fear the consequences of her actions. What you have to ask yourself is what if it happens again? With somebody who DOES what it to continue? And what if you have children? Do you want to take the chance? She is a very poor risk, and now is the time to lose her , in favor of a better woman.
If Dan divorces her and feels miserable without the love of his life, well, that'd teach her a lesson, but if it kills his heart too, what'd be the point?
If he stays and she strays again, well, he would be able to deal with that, too, but when it happens.
I could have walked away, years ago. But I didn't. It's only now, learning about stuff on the way plus what I picked up at TAM that I am confident I made the right decision to stay with the love of my life. I can hear her playing with our cat, and I am in danger of crying a bit.
Dan, my good luck and good wishes for both of you, no matter what you both decide on for your future/s.
Because you stayed, Matt, doesn't mean that is the best course for everyone. In my case it wasn't, maybe in Dan's it might be , but before he decides, he needs to be SURE of what has happened , in all particulars, and he need as much advice as he can get. What I am saying to him is the simple truth. Marriages that have infidelity in the first year almost never are long standing, for the reasons I mentioned. Of course it's Dan's decision, and only he can weigh whether the risk is worth taking, not me and not you.
With no children, this part of you is making sense.
Remember in an earlier post you said "Today she came to me and admitted she kissed P last week, and yesterday, told P she liked him. P said he didn’t feel the same way back, but was still attracted to her. There was more kissing and she ‘went down on him’". This means that she had feeling for him that he did not have for her and that he told her that he only wanted her for sex. She was the pursuer so she went down on him to try to win him over. His lack of having feelings for her is the only reason that the relationship did not deepen like she would have liked. Had he returned her feelings, they would be deep in an affair right now and she would not have told you a thing about it.
Answer these questions. Where would your marraige be right now if not only did the other man (OM) return her affection but actually pursued her? Knowing the answer to the first question, can you ever really trust her? Again, without children, move on. She did this when you are still newlyweds. As a long time marred man, I can tell you that the first year is not the hardest year of a marraige.
This is the best post in the thread and the reason why she doesn't deserve R.
__________________ Shaggy: Men of integrity don't have affairs. They don't have affairs not because there aren't other wonderful women out there besides their wives, they don't have affairs because as men of integrity they choose not to.
Because you stayed, Matt, doesn't mean that is the best course for everyone. In my case it wasn't, maybe in Dan's it might be , but before he decides, he needs to be SURE of what has happened , in all particulars, and he need as much advice as he can get. What I am saying to him is the simple truth. Marriages that have infidelity in the first year almost never are long standing, for the reasons I mentioned. Of course it's Dan's decision, and only he can weigh whether the risk is worth taking, not me and not you.
Most people have a choice in how they want to live their life. He now knows what his future is going to be like if he stays married.
Because you stayed, Matt, doesn't mean that is the best course for everyone. In my case it wasn't, maybe in Dan's it might be , but before he decides, he needs to be SURE of what has happened , in all particulars, and he need as much advice as he can get. What I am saying to him is the simple truth. Marriages that have infidelity in the first year almost never are long standing, for the reasons I mentioned. Of course it's Dan's decision, and only he can weigh whether the risk is worth taking, not me and not you.
True enough BB. All I can say is he has to really inform himself so he can make the best decision for him and not worry about what she wants. There are some great resources here on TAM and some great advice he has already received from both sides of the coin. He needs to figure out what is in his heart. This needs to be all about him. She gave up the right to what she wants the day she cheated.
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Re: Newlywed, Wife confessed 
