Perspective is important: IMO the "newlywed" description is misleading/irrelelevant. WW and Dan have been together for 7 years. This is classic "seven year itch." Remember, woman are into the idea of the "wedding," not necessarily the guy. She got her wedding. Now what? She's studying with P. He probably IS a good guy. She's kinda into him. Maybe they had some conversation about his lack of a relationship/sex. She's been with the same guy for seven (7) years. She had her wedding, but after seven years is wondering if she still has "it" - especially if P was trying to remain on task. It was a challenge for her to see if she could seduce him. There you have it. It's not rocket science. Being a good guy he may have even told her that she had to tell her husband. Now that she knows that she still does have it, how/when is she going to/should use it? I would say to win/earn BACK her husband! The letter writing is BS. Remember the videos of your wedding? Dig 'em out and play the part with the vows for her - a few times. Posted via Mobile Device
Now that she knows that she still does have it, how/when is she going to/should use it?
He told her that he did not feel the same way toward her that she felt for him. In other words he told her that she did not still have it. He took the free oral sex because he is a single man, but he did not give any oral or other sex back to her. Her needs were not met, only his. She did not walk away knowing that she still has it.
I went to college and can tell you that there is no advantage to a study buddy unless you are taking the same classes. Since she met this guy through a friend and not in class, I doubt that they share any classes. She used studying as an excuse to get to know a cute single guy that she found attractive. In college studying with someone is often just a date. She is in dating mode not married mode.
Thank you GridGal and morituri, your posts contained good information for me to read/access.
I've been reading *a lot* on this forum, and to save the details, after some minor trickle truthing, it seems my WS has been doing everything she should be on her part, without any complaints.
Is there such a thing as "too soon" to begin R? I feel like this just happened, but my WS has been extremely supportive, it makes me think it could be time to start the R process. At the same time, it doesn't seem "fair", to me, that I would allow us (her?) to start R so soon.
And yet another part of me thinks that even though WS is doing a great job, the fact that this happened after only year of marriage says it's too big of a risk to continue on, and that D is the best option.
So confusing!!!
Yes, it is very confusing for you, a it was for all of us, no matter what path we have taken. As far as R, I think it's too soon for you to be sure what you want. You guys should check in w/ a MC. There may be someone available thru your school. You have a wonderful life ahead of you. Your first goal is to decide if she is the person that you want to share it with.
Dan---why are you saying, she is willing---she should be down on her knees, begging to do, whatever you want---she should be extatic that she is getting the greatest gift she will ever get---a 2nd chance
As to the other guy, contacting you---why not--he knew you didn't know---had you known, anything, their little study tryst would have ended, on the spot
You are gonna R., with your wife---at least that seems the way you are leaning
Do not just let her, go back to her life style, as if nothing happened-----she has to have some accountability, and do some penance, or she will know she can cheat, again, cuz you will take her back, w/out major consequences
Make her sleep by herself for a while, no dates, good times, whatever it is the 2 of you do together. don't be lovey--dovey, or mr nice guy---if you wanna do those things, wait a couple of months---she should not just be able to go back to what it was before she brought nuclear winter down on your life
Her being open, and transparent, and you being a parole officer, is not a penance, there has to be some form of punishment---otherwise, why are we all here.
When I say willing, maybe I used the wrong word. She is doing everything I tell her to do, and more on her own accord. I only meant to convey it seemed like she was going to be serious about trying to win me back. (granted, it's still been less than a week since D-day) She's says she is afraid to lose me forever to divorce.
I have not rewarded her actions. She sleeps on the sofa and is not allowed to be affectionate to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TRy
With no children, this part of you is making sense.
Remember in an earlier post you said "Today she came to me and admitted she kissed P last week, and yesterday, told P she liked him. P said he didn’t feel the same way back, but was still attracted to her. There was more kissing and she ‘went down on him’". This means that she had feeling for him that he did not have for her and that he told her that he only wanted her for sex. She was the pursuer so she went down on him to try to win him over. His lack of having feelings for her is the only reason that the relationship did not deepen like she would have liked. Had he returned her feelings, they would be deep in an affair right now and she would not have told you a thing about it.
Answer these questions. Where would your marraige be right now if not only did the other man (OM) return her affection but actually pursued her? Knowing the answer to the first question, can you ever really trust her? Again, without children, move on. She did this when you are still newlyweds. As a long time marred man, I can tell you that the first year is not the hardest year of a marraige.
I forgot to mention (sorry... minds been all over), in her trickle truthing the day after, she amended her previous comment:
FROM: "There was more kissing and she ‘went down on him’ but stopped “because it felt wrong"."
TO: There was more kissing and she ‘went down on him’ but stopped [when she couldn't get him to finish, and offered sex instead. He declined. She then stopped what she was doing...] “because it felt wrong".
So the comment is much worse then it was before. Obviously she stopped because she had been rejected, and then reality possibly might have started to settle in, so she confessed.
For all intents and purposes, I have told my WW that she "did" go all the way with the OM. She was the one who offered to go further, and come to find out, only because somehow the OM was a 30 year old virgin, he was not ready. My WW was emotionally and physically ready for more. With another guy, I have little doubt this would have gone further before (and if) she confessed.
For your question of "Where would your marriage be right now if not only did the other man (OM) return her affection but actually pursued her"
I'm not sure. As stated above, your question is close to the truth of the situation. She was very much ready for that. If it *actually* had gone further, deep down, I think I would be favoring divorce right now. I do realize that only out of happenstance, that the guy was a rookie, did the affair not continue. But it's hard to live in a world of "what if", and so I am still considering R.
That said, typing this out has made me realize I'm not ready for R at the current time.
Start the divorce process. Go see a lawyer and get the paperwork going. Tell your wife you'll continue moving towards filing as long as you think she is lying to you.
Don't give your wife another dime towards school for the time being. In fact go open a new checking account in your name only and transfer all the money into it and make sure you have your direct deposit channeled there.
Your wife has had it easy. You've spoiled her. Time to lay down some heavy psych warfare on her. She needs to know that she is in deep trouble. Posted via Mobile Device
Your wife was the aggressor here. She wanted sex with P and went after it body and soul. She got shut down but it was not because of her lack of trying, it was him. I'm guessing he is a closet homosexual.
But the fact that she went after him with everything she had to make it happen is what you should be focusing on.
Her ego took a major hit when he turned her down. Is she remorseful and sorry that she tried to fvck another man or is she just trying to rebuild her ego with someone that she knows loves her (you)? Is she going to find another guy she is attracted to and offer herself to him so she can validate this need of hers to confirm that men find her attractive?
It's your choice to allow her to stay with you, but I can see you back here in a couple of year heart broken that your young wife found a guy who could get it up for her.
Your wife was the aggressor here. She wanted sex with P and went after it body and soul. She got shut down but it was not because of her lack of trying, it was him. I'm guessing he is a closet homosexual.
But the fact that she went after him with everything she had to make it happen is what you should be focusing on.
Her ego took a major hit when he turned her down. Is she remorseful and sorry that she tried to fvck another man or is she just trying to rebuild her ego with someone that she knows loves her (you)? Is she going to find another guy she is attracted to and offer herself to him so she can validate this need of hers to confirm that men find her attractive?
It's your choice to allow her to stay with you, but I can see you back here in a couple of year heart broken that your young wife found a guy who could get it up for her.
Closet homosexual? Or maybe he did not want the risk of starting a relationship with someone who could, just as easily, cheat on him?
So early in the marriage and she is already seeking other man(e)... this shouldn't even be a question of divorce or not just how fast you can run out the door.
I forgot to mention (sorry... minds been all over), in her trickle truthing the day after, she amended her previous comment:
FROM: "There was more kissing and she ‘went down on him’ but stopped “because it felt wrong"."
TO: There was more kissing and she ‘went down on him’ but stopped [when she couldn't get him to finish, and offered sex instead. He declined. She then stopped what she was doing...] “because it felt wrong".
So the comment is much worse then it was before.
It seems like it always keeps getting worse. I will not be surprised to hear that things change yet again for the worse.
Her confession to you is a puzzle. It is not common to see that on this forum anyhow.
The fact that she could pursue this man means that she is capable of deep dishonesty. Perhaps her remorse is real, and so perhaps R is a real possibility for you. I hope for the best for you. However, take everything she says as being questionable until you have independent verification. Maybe there is some other reason she confessed, such as under threat someone else was going to tell you if she didn't. You need to verify everything she says for the time being.
He even facebook friended me at one point, early on. That's why I think it happened just recently, how my wife confessed it. Otherwise, it seems like he's the most ballsy AP I've heard of (not shying from contact with me through it all)
I personally know quite a few men whose wives were banging a family friend. The married neighbor who would bring his family over for a bbq. The church friend who says hi every Sunday morning. The guy who was just one of the crowd she used to hang out with before she met hubby.
Part of the allure of an affair is the thrill of the illicitness. Or the guy gets his jollies from laughing at you behind your back. The fact that he was friendly towards you means nothing.
She goes down on him and he doesn't respond.
She offers sex and he said no. (How did she offer. Did she ask him or did she strip and give him a lap dance?)
THEN she stops because it felt "wrong". She had to stop at that point since he said no and did not respond to her advances. She did not CHOOSE to stop.
If he had responded she was going fvck his eye out. That is what she planned (and had planned over a period of time). That is what she tried to accomplish. That is what she WANTED.
She did not care about you. Did not care that she was married. She actively planned over a period of time to betray you in the worst possible way. This was not a drunken ONS. This was not a moment of weakness. She has been planning this since she told you she was "attracted" to him.
NOW she wants to come back to the marriage. Really?
I went to college and can tell you that there is no advantage to a study buddy unless you are taking the same classes. Since she met this guy through a friend and not in class, I doubt that they share any classes. She used studying as an excuse to get to know a cute single guy that she found attractive. In college studying with someone is often just a date. She is in dating mode not married mode.
I studied for the CPA exam (and passed) about six years ago. It is a very, VERY solitary act. It takes a month or more per section to study. It's all about cramming as much bs into your brain as you can. Having somebody there with you would be a distraction for any serious CPA exam candidate. A study buddy is just completely unnecessary and is just asking for trouble, as some people on here have already mentioned.
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Re: Newlywed, Wife confessed 
Or maybe he did not want the risk of starting a relationship with someone who could, just as easily, cheat on him?
I studied for the CPA exam (and passed) about six years ago. It is a very, VERY solitary act. It takes a month or more per section to study. It's all about cramming as much bs into your brain as you can. Having somebody there with you would be a distraction for any serious CPA exam candidate. A study buddy is just completely unnecessary and is just asking for trouble, as some people on here have already mentioned.
