Seesaw

She knows already my friend but can't admit it to herself. You can't act normal around her and she keeps asking what is wrong. Equally bad, your feelings for OW are 'uncontrollable'. You will not be able to keep away from the OW on your own and even if you can her memory is going to eat away at your marriage forever. Whichever route you take now will crush her. The question is whether you eventually want a good marriage based upon honesty and openness or whether you want to live a lie for the rest of your life.

That lie is important: Even if you can drag yourself away from OW, unless you have done some seriously hard work on your marriage the chances are the same thing will happen again. You cannot, go cold turkey, rug sweep, then carry on as if nothing happened.

And, forgive me, not wanting to cause pain unloads just one more massive layer of disrespect onto your wife. You cannot get your marriage out of a pile of sh*t by throwing more sh*t at it.

Get this SHE IS GOING TO FIND OUT. Trust me, she is. How she finds out and when she finds out matters. One week of e-mails and one meeting then telling her right NOW gives her the feeling that at least you respected her that much.

For your sake, you need to tell her. For her sake, you need to tell her. For the sake of your marriage, you need to tell her. If that isn't enough, for the sake of your children you need to tell her. After it all comes out, what are you going to say to them as they grow up. Can you hold your head high, admit a bad mistake then show them you did everything you could to learn and be a better person? Or are you going to tell them you hid it away and lied to your whole family like a coward.

Sorry to be blunt.

sculley

I can speak from experience. My marriage was going through a divorce when I found my first love again. He had been married for 6 years. I got divorced and just let me feelings be known but didn't persue them (we talked on and off after that about how life was etc) I didn't start after him until 2 years later when he was going through his divorce. I am not saying that it would happen to you. I know in my heart that when my husband and I broke up when we were 18 that he was the one that got away.

- I suggest you google the 3 stages of love....You could be just going through puppy love it's that lust that happens in the beginning when everything is new and things are so exciting cause it's forbidden. I really hope you pray about it and try to spark that love back with your wife because your story DOES NOT sound like mine

__________________
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson

ShatteredinAL

You are horribly mistaken to think that your wife won't start wondering about what is going on. She will start to dig a little deeper and what she will find will shatter her forever. If my husband had just came to me and said he had a problem, I truly believe we would have gotten through it together. Since he lied the entire time, I will never trust him again. I'm with him only for our children right now. There's a lot of resentment that might not ever go away. Come clean. If you really want those feelings to go away, your wife will be the best way to do it.

Sara8

Your wife will find out eventually.

Are you prepared for that?

LookingForTheSun

Stop all contact immediately and take every bit of pain that goes with it. You still have a chance - you know that you have a solid marriage, but see that this affair is starting to taint it and re-write what really is. If you stay in it, you will start to believe that your marriage was horrible, that your wife was horrible, that you never really wanted to be a father and have children with this woman and that you wish you could go back and change everything...sounds extreme, but that is exactly what happens.

You are where my husband was 9 months ago, only he never saw what he was doing. He never stopped to evaluate who he was hurting. He never stopped to see just how great he really had it. 2.5 months into his EA, turned PA he told me he wanted a divorce - right after my brother died - how cold is that? The same will happen to you if you stay in. You will turn into something that you will hate and cannot stand. You will turn into the meanest a**hole. You will then start to see the hurt you are causing your family, but it won't matter, because the OW is feeding you lines about how much better your life will be with her, that nothig will change between you and your children, that she will love you, take care of you, that you are soul mates, the list goes on - she will feed you every line and you will do the same to her - telling her how unhappy you are, comparing her to your wife. You will make sure that whatever makes you feel good happens, and to hell with your wife and children. It is the worst feeling in the world for a BS, and if you are lucky enough to wake up from your little fairy tale, you will realize that it is all lies, but the damage you have already put your family through is unrepairable. It will never go away. You will have to live with killing your family off in a slow and painful way for the rest of your life. You have a crush, nothing more, and it makes you feel good. Try to put half the effort you are giving ths OW into your own marriage. She does already know something is up. I did, but didn't think my husband would ever again cheat on me after I forgave him one time very early in our 16 year marriage. It almost killed me then....how could he even think of doing it again? Please just stop and love your family. Don't live a lie.

tester

Wow - thank you everyone for the advice and support - It really has helped me to make sense of what has happened and to realize what it is that I'm feeling.

It hasn't been physical just emotional but I get that neither are better than the other - and on some level I think i was simply addicted to the feeling she gave me with the things she was saying, the feeling I got when she held my hand or put her head on my shoulder as stupid as it sounds - again the teenage crush thing - something I haven't felt in a long long time - the feeling of escapism was also a factor I think - In a marriage I guess u can sometime feel trapped for want of a better word with no choices - for a short time my emotions led me to believe in something else that was different to the norm - I think now I can understand what it was all about.

The feeling I have for this ow still exist but because I can rationalize them I can come to to terms with them a lot easier and I think it'll be easier now not to contact her.

I know I should tell my wife - but right now I'm not ready to I need to shake these feelings and my head back down to earth before I can sit her down and explain everything.

Seesaw

Tester,

Please. You need to tell her now, not after you get your head straight. If you have decided you are going to tell her (absolutely the right thing to do) then you have nothing to gain by waiting and a huge amount to lose. Every second you delay is another second you lie and the longer it goes on the harder it will be for her.

Marriage is about sharing your deepest fears. You have betrayed that, but can get something back by doing it now.

Sit her down, cry, be confused, ask for her help and forgiveness. Tell her you HAD to tell her rather than lie.

Seriously, my friend, let her - if she will - help you get your head straight. Communicate with her. Open yourself to her completely.

In your position, if my WW had done that it would have saved a whole pile of cr*p that I am still trying to shovel. I have vivid pictures of what we did while I didn't know. That time laughing at the beach, the great restaurant meal, making love, playing together with the kids. And all the time she was lying to me. That, my friend, cuts a wound deeper than you can imagine.

It is the lack of knowing and the lies and the deception that hurt the most. You HAVE to do everything you can to minimise that.

LookingForTheSun

Tester - visit this site: PART 1: WH and OW–Our Love is Real « Soul Mate Shmoopies

It puts a comical yet very real spin on what you are going through and what will happen if you continue. I am pulling for you, and as a BS, that is hard to say to a cheater, but I think you have a chance to save yourself and your marriage. When I first saw these (there are about 16 short videos), I laughed and cried so hard equally. Soul mates in an affair simply means that neither party has a soul. Grab yours before you lose it forever. My husband hates himself and feels he has no heart or soul left. Don't get to that point.

badbane

Tester your wife has every right to know you messed up. You have already done the damage it is just a matter of time now. This is not a time to cower. This is time to face the music and reap what you have sown. You have already hurt her. She will be gutted. But your willingness to tell her and your totally remorse will be what saves your marriage.
I am sorry but if she finds it and finds out you did not tell her it is just one more thing you did to make her not trust you.

Sara8

I agree with this post.

It's better if you tell her. She will find out and it will add to the doubt and mistrust going forward.

I found out about my husband through anonymous letters, emails and photographs.

He never confessed and that says he planned to keep things going as long as possible behind my back,

sculley

I agree with Sara it made me sick to my stomach to find it...I would have rather heard it from him cause at least then it would show some sort of remorse etc...

__________________
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson

Acabado

Don't risk your family for a second more.
There are NC letter templates here, hopely some one will point you in the right direction. Write it, send it and then block all avenues MOW could contact you. You go NC cold turkey. You commit to it, lifelong. OW must go from your life, forever. At most you'd be her rebound relationship, her exit affair. This asuming she's not lying her teeth about the state of her marriage. Detox. Keep the poison away.
You will go through a period of withdrawal. Brain chemistry will adjust itself with time of NC. It will pass very soon, it's only some anxiety, then you will think every day more clearly and you will tell your self WTF! I was thinking?
Cut off any trick your mind will play to break the NC. You can't remain "friends" with OW, it's just not possible after crossing those boundaires. You go "mental" NC. You can't control fleeting thoughts but you can control how you react to them, you visualize a STOP sign, you picture you family, your little ones, you refocus on the right thing instead to wondering into the "what if" self indulgent fantasy territory. You choose it. Every day, every minute if necessary.


Then you confess to your wife. It's likely taking account of the obvious red flags.

Sara8

exactly.

iheartlife

Have you read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? It is one of the best books out there in terms of discussing the dangers of emotional affairs, how they start, function, and end. It is obviously somewhat directed at BSs but there are forum members who entered into EAs who have benefited from this book as well.

And tell your wife. Do it in a marriage counseling setting if need be. And you may also need individual counseling to get an understanding of why you were so easily suckered into this relationship.

Do you think if you were trying to overcome an alcohol addiction it would be prudent to keep your spouse in the dark? You are going to try and go cold turkey on infatuation. It is extremely difficult, if not impossible to do (the one case I can think of on the forum, the OW was a SIL, so obviously there were major reasons for that man to walk away and not let it get any deeper).

From where I sit, I don't picture you having the superhuman strength to do this on your own. And besides, if you feel "trapped" in your marriage, and you don't address that--then you are just rug-sweeping with the best of them, and the cycle is doomed to repeat.

__________________
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Turning the Mind Into an Ally

JustAnotherGuy

My best advice is that if you can steal her from someone else, someone else can steal her from you as well. I doubt that it's worth throwing away your marriage and family for.