My wife of 22 years admitted to having a 2 and a half year affair on May 18th. We have 2 children (10 and 15).
I am really struggling to cope.
I don't know whether to leave; I am telling myself I don't want to leave because of our children but I am not sure if I am making excuses for myself and that I haven't the courage to walk out.
I would like to just say a little about what went on:
18 months ago my wife said she wanted us to part ways. I took it hard, but asked if we could sell the house and move on. She would not do this and kept me hanging on. I didn’t understand why she wanted to part and also why she wouldn’t actually do anything about it. She treated me fairly badly and I remember describing the relationship as abusive on several occasions. Don't get me wrong, I can give as good as I get. Generally, however, I am easy going and fairly passive.
Wind it forward to March 11th. We lay in bed and my wife said she "has something to tell me": "I have been in love with another man for 2 and a half years" she said. "It's over, nothing physical happened - will you forgive me?"
I remember I shook when she told me and that she was shaking too; I hugged her and said we would get through it together and that I would help her if she missed him. I knew who it was, although she flatly denied it was the man I had suspected she had a crush on for 5 years.
She told me she had been terrified I would walk out when she told me and that I was a very good man for staying and being so understanding. She was visibly relieved: "I want to make it work between us again, put it behind us" she said. "You are such a good man". She said.
I didn't know at the time, but she was back in his bed 2 days later.
Over the next 3 weeks she would text me and tell me how much she had made a mistake and that she wanted me to stay etc. I was to find out later that she saw him for certain up until April 3rd, I think she continued after that but she has consistently denied it.
Needless to say, I couldn't make any of the "facts" stick together and it culminated in me going to the other man's house around April 8th (she admitted that morning it was the guy I always knew it was). She still insisted nothing physical had happened and said if I met him he would say she threw herself at him etc.
I did not go to confront him, just to ask what had gone on. This man has 6 children by 6 different women, lives on his own but has a long term girlfriend. I think you may get the picture.
No one was in at his house and I drove home (she had rather predictably warned him I might be on the way over although I had said nothing).
Nothing moved on until 17th May. I kept asking what had gone on and saying nothing made sense. She denied time and again that anything physical had happened. After an argument on the night of the 17th she admitted she had kissed him. Then on the morning of the 18th, that they had gotten up to sexual things in the car. Then by midday (I had tried to go to work and come home, unable to do anything without crying) admitted they had had sex "no more than 5 times" (needless to say a whopper of a lie).
She had to go to work by 3pm and left me in bed shaking, unable to do anything although bizarrely we had made love constantly until that time. I found out later that as soon as she left the house, she promptly rang him and chatted for an hour, following it up with a text and another phone call after she finished work.
I suspect this is all too common a tale. She didn't tell me anything, I had to tell her and could see from her reaction whether it was true. They didn't visit his house she said, except it was always there, they used a condom she said - except they didn't.
One of the "kickers" has been that she wouldn't ever go on the pill for me and I ended up having the snip. For him, she went straight on the pill and ended up having contraceptive injections. She has always been ultra-paranoid about HIV and other STDs so this was all the more shocking.
There are lots of things about her relationship with him that she did for him would not do for me in our 24 years together; some sexual, some not.
We spent most of Saturday and Sunday in bed making love. Both of us seemed to have an insatiable desire for each other.
On Sunday 20th May I sent the other man a text saying that we must “catch up”. “Hi, O***” I texted, “missed you at L****** Close the other week [his house]. It would be good to catch up some time”. Within 1 minute he was trying to ring me. I answered on his third attempt. I calmly told him I knew what had been going on and he immediately denied everything and told me I had gotten mixed up. “I don’t know what she’s told you, but I was just a good friend to her”.
I told him, calmly, that there was a lot of evidence that wasn’t the case and that I would be “naming him as co-respondent in our divorce and that this could have financial implications”. I admit to feeling pleasure at the panic in his voice as he denied the affair more strenuously. I told him I would not proceed with the divorce if he didn’t speak with my wife again and we left it at that.
Two minutes later he rang me back again, denying anything had happened and offering to meet me. Now one of the things that my wife admitted to being attracted to, is this man’s connections with less than law abiding “people” who could “get violent” and “sort people out”. I politely declined a meeting (seriously, I was super calm throughout the whole thing) and said between his denials: “Look, man to man, we both know what’s gone on. Just leave her alone and that will be that”. I know he is very sensitive about money and has been worried about his girlfriend finding out about his being with my wife so figured the threat of legal papers would scare him. This did appear to work.
My wife got an HIV test on the Monday and tested for other STDs – all are OK as far as I know but to my shame I tore the results up in anger before reading them. I told her if she had HIV or anything that I would stand by her. I asked her to ring me if she was missing him. I have found the emotions very difficult to deal with. I asked her to get her medical records and this is when she spilled the beans about the contraceptive injections. I would never have found out otherwise. She also admitted to getting the morning after pill a few times and having at least one pregnancy test. She still hasn’t, however, gotten those records.
We spent every spare minute in bed together and it was fantastic for both of us (as far as I know). We began counselling on the Wednesday although this was just an assessment. Thursday we spent in bed. Friday we spent mostly in bed and then went out and had sex in some woods where we had done the same 17 years before.
Another counselling session on the Wednesday and then I had to leave for 2 weeks with our youngest child to see my brother in a very remote location. Those 2 weeks away were Hell for me. I could only contact my wife occasionally and for a few days not at all. I asked questions but she refused to answer them as it was “too difficult”. I pleaded with her as we had already realised that it made things much easier on me if she simply told the truth. Again, this seems to be common.
It was so hurtful being 1,000s of miles away and with her simply refusing to answer anything. I was (and am) convinced that the affair was over and this didn’t worry me at all. The worst was travelling when I was left with my own thoughts. I started to dread being on my own. Although I was with family I didn’t like talking about what had happened – although they knew.
On returning, I felt distant. As though something had “snapped” whilst I was away. It was so very hard being in a remote location with no meaningful contact with my wife. We did talk occasionally but she clammed up. She did keep texting me (when I could receive them) to say she loved me and that she wanted it to work and I told her I appreciated this. We continued to be intensely sexual - one night we literally did not sleep (I am 43 and she is 47).
Anyway, this is turning into a short novel (novella?). I have tried to leave a few times and she physically prevented me by standing in front of me and going as far as letting my tyres down. She shakes when she thinks I am going to leave and goes into a visible panic. Having said that she did after March 11th and I know she was with him then.
The counsellor seems obsessed about rebuilding the relationship and I still feel stuck trying to get to grips with what my wife did. I couldn’t take part in the first 10 minutes of last week’s session as I was crying uncontrollably (well, kind of - it was stifled but obvious).
It was 2 weeks ago I figured out that she had been sexually aggressive with him and that 99% of the relationship was her going to his house at about 11pm (telling me she was at a friend's), watching TV for an hour then having sex for an hour or 2. For her not having sex with him was not an option and the jabs had stopped her periods so it was always on the cards.
It was only yesterday I figured out that long gap between her telling me on March 11th and seeing him for what she said was the last time on April 3rd. I am convinced the only reason it is over is because I turned up on the guy’s drive on April 8th but she won’t really tell me what happened at the end. “It just fell apart” she says, although I do know she was becoming jealous and possessive about his other girlfriend and at one point followed him when he said he wasn’t there and then confronted him about it. She says he didn’t like that.
Finding out about that gap seemed to set me back by a week. It was only last week I found out her brothers (whom we live next door to) knew for at least 2 years – as did our nephews and nieces. This is a good example of my current problem, as I specifically asked her how long her brothers had known. These men I thought were close to me for the last 22 years. She told me 6 months tops and then I remembered a comment a nephew made at her father’s funeral 18 months ago. It really upset me in the first place that her brothers knew and it crushed me to think they and the rest of her family had known for so long.
The point is, this is after I have continued to stress how important the truth is and I honestly haven’t ever thrown the truth back at her.
I feel like I can’t move on until I know what really happened but I am becoming frozen; terrified of thinking in case I discover anything further and too scared to ask her anything as she just continues to lie. To her they are small things, but to me they aren’t as it is the lie that hurts, not the facts at hand.
I feel like I am sinking and looking for hope. Any positive comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I know many on here will have gone through far worse. I do appreciate that it seems fairly certain the affair is now over and that my wife does certainly want me back with all her heart (for now?).
Re: 6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long)
Heartbreaking and twisted story.
One common theme though, is she never had any consequences for her affair.
You say it's fairly certain the affair has stopped, yet I see no clear indications of that. If anything, cutting you off on your trip is a very bad sign. If we were at bookmaker's, frankly I'd bet against you.
File for divorce, and use the time until it's finalized to decide if you want to take her back. She has to suffer the consequences.
Yes, I know you love her, you love your kids, you had your vows to God etc. Everyone has that, we hear it a lot here.
Re: 6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long)
If your initial reaction to your wife telling you that she's been sleeping with another man for the past 2 years, is a hug and a promise to help her "not miss him", are genuinely surprised that she was in his bed 2 days later? Did your reaction scream a self respecting guy who can't believe he's been monumentally betrayed and disrespected?
Moreover why does it matter what she did in the following 3 weeks if you were so passive about the previous 2 years? It's logical that because she didn't face any consequences there was no harm continuing the affair.
Re: 6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long)
Wife of 22 years has a 2.5 year intense sexual affair.
Asked you to split 18 months ago (1 year into the affair).
Lied to you for the last 2-3 years. Continues to lie about the details of the affair even now.
I think your time alone showed you that you will be OK without her and you are afraid to admit it. I see no hope for a marriage after a long term affair. Your marriage is over and dead. Do you want to try to build a new life with this woman who betrayed, disrespected and lied to you for so long?
Face your fears and move on without her. She just wants you for security at this point. A place to stay until the next bad boy lover comes along. Plus how can you ever trust her or her family again?
Re: 6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long)
MAN UP
MAN UP
MAN UP
MAN UP
MAN UP
MAN UP
LEAVE
LEAVE
LEAVE
LEAVE her
you are the maid and him the master for her
you are the back and him the original to her
you are the spare and him the main to her
how long before she goes back to him you think?
what would stop her from not going back to him you think? her love to you? her respect to you?
she did not step on your dignity but you broke you dignity by being soo forgiven.
Re: 6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long)
Your wife is a cake eating cheater of the lowest order. This is not her first affair you can bet on it. Her family enabled her and kept you in the dark.
Dude, do you have any self respect at all? Pack her bags and tell her to get out. Then file for divorce. Watch what happens. I guarantee you she will turn on you like a cornered russian boar. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: 6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long)
Quote:
Originally Posted by snap
Heartbreaking and twisted story.
One common theme though, is she never had any consequences for her affair.
You say it's fairly certain the affair has stopped, yet I see no clear indications of that. If anything, cutting you off on your trip is a very bad sign. If we were at bookmaker's, frankly I'd bet against you.
File for divorce, and use the time until it's finalized to decide if you want to take her back. She has to suffer the consequences.
Yes, I know you love her, you love your kids, you had your vows to God etc. Everyone has that, we hear it a lot here.
To be fair, Snap, I think you have made some good points. I am sure the affair is over because she has either been in my bed, or at work where I can verify where she is. Whilst I was away I had a GPS in her car and it confirmed she didn't go anywhere near where he lives.
He is a coward and will not go anywhere near my wife again. He used her for free sex on demand and of that I am as certain as I can be.
Re: 6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long)
It was only yesterday I figured out that long gap between her telling me on March 11th and seeing him for what she said was the last time on April 3rd. I am convinced the only reason it is over is because I turned up on the guy’s drive on April 8th but she won’t really tell me what happened at the end. “It just fell apart” she says, although I do know she was becoming jealous and possessive about his other girlfriend and at one point followed him when he said he wasn’t there and then confronted him about it. She says he didn’t like that.
So Chris - only two months ago your loving wife is so obsessed and jealous of her long term lover that she is stalking and confronting HIM. Now you are ready to believe the affair is over. Dude - they just had a lover quarrel, they will be back hot and heavy at the next opportunity.
She has trickle-truthed you the entire time since the "confession" and still will not be open and honest with you. You need to go into stealth mode and get the detail for yourself if that is what you need and do not believe anything she, her family, or OM says. Try talking to OM's GF. You will probably get more truth from her than anyone.
And I have to ask again - why do you want to stay with this woman?
At least take some time to figure out what you really want.
Re: 6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long)
TDSC60, the OM's GF either knows already - she got with him by having an affair whilst he was with the last woman about 4 years ago. In this case, she will laugh at me.
If she doesn't know I am not going to destroy someone else's life for nothing - what can she possibly tell me?
This man will have another woman already. He has no interest in my wife and I have tested this since in other ways that I will not go into on here.
Re: 6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris989
TDSC60, the OM's GF either knows already - she got with him by having an affair whilst he was with the last woman about 4 years ago. In this case, she will laugh at me.
If she doesn't know I am not going to destroy someone else's life for nothing - what can she possibly tell me?
This man will have another woman already. He has no interest in my wife and I have tested this since in other ways that I will not go into on here.
You seemed to be upset (rightly so) over the fact that your wife will not give you the whole story. I thought the GF might be a source of truth. Not as revenge or exposure - just for you to get more of the truth than your wife is willing to give you..
Edit: By the way - I do not agree that the truth will destroy a life. Everyone deserves the truth - even if it hurts. Withholding the truth is the same attitude her family took toward her affair.
Re: 6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long)
Sounds to me like she's controlling your relationship. Take back control, make her accountable for her money, her emails, her texts, her time, everything. She should be falling over herself trying to prove she's being faithful now. Doesn't sound to me like she has, or that she's had ANY consequences for what she did.
You could use some IC to get your head straight, I think. Someone who can help you sort out what's what.
6 weeks is not very long either. It takes years to get over being cheated on. Literally.
Re: 6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long)
TDSC60:
I don't like to admit this but there is a genuine risk of really quite bad things happening to either me or my children's mother if the OM's GF is told. He is a coward, but he has cousins that certainly are not.
This is why I used a legal threat to scare him; he understands physical threats, but legal and financial threats he does not.
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6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long) 
