kslhtrb

Hi All - I've never posted on any forum before, so apologies if I mess this up. But I need advice

My husband and I work cross shifts to each other in a remote location. He is at home right now - I am at work. Basically we are together for 3 nights a week, apart for the other 4. And always talk on the phone every night that we are apart.

I was doing laundry tonight, moving the wet clothes from the washer to dryer - and found a (new!) condom in the bottom of the machine. My husband had a vasectomy a few years ago and we do not use them.


So - it could be nothing....at least that's what I've been telling myself. I've been trying to come up with an honest, logical reason for it being there....but am drawing blanks. He comes back tomorrow and I'm thinking I will be initiating a conversation about it after work, but meanwhile - I can't sleep or stop thinking about this. Work in the morning is not going to be fun.

We've been together over 15 years....and I want to trust him. But I'm worried that I may be a bit gullible too.

Does anyone have any logical reasons why a condom could wind up in the laundry? Input on how to proceed? (I really do not want to lose it and just be mad / have a fight!).

Thank you!

EleGirl

Yes, there is a logical reason why. He bought a condom and it was in his pants pocket.

He's cheating or thinking of cheating.

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kslhtrb

I think I know that.....I just keep trying to come up with some innocent explanation......because I sure don't want to believe it.

jnj express

Do not duck this issue----you have been with him, for years now, so you should be able to tell when he is lying

You need to confront him, and you need to look him straight in the eyes, and keep focusing on him, till you get your answer

Do not let him say, he doesn't know----If you didn't bring it in the house, then there is only one other person in your home, that could have---your H.

Do not let him wiggle off the hook, if he refuses to answer, then you need an actionable consequence

Your mge, does have a problem, if the two of you are sperated from each other for half of every week, of the year------that is way tooooo much alone time---and those who are by themselves, away from the partners, can very easily get into trouble

Your mge. is facing some decisions---1st you need to find out about the condom, 2nd, you need to sit down and discuss how to get your mge, back on course, even if it means, one of you changes jobs/changes hours.

kslhtrb

Thank you......I needed a reality check. I can over-react, and really wanted to be sure that I'm not just assuming the worst (but I was really hoping that I was!)

Pretty sure I'll be spending a lot of time reading through the 'coping' threads in the future.

Paladin

Welcome to the forum, lets hope you do not have any real reason to be here, but you just ran across a major red flag. You have a few options on how to proceed, I'll attempt to give you some straight talk on them.

First and foremost you need to think about the last few months of your lives together. Has anything else been out of the ordinary? Has his behavior changed in any significant way? Has your sex life/frequency changed at all? (more sex, less sex?) Is his cell phone password protected? Do you have access to his e-mail, facebook, bank accounts? Has he been late or early coming home from work? Has he mentioned any new friends?

Option one: Verification and evidence gathering.

You ran across a major red flag. Your husband, who does not need to use condoms to have sex with you, bought a condom and had it on him. The only reason he needs a condom is to prevent himself from catching a sexually transmitted infection/disease. If you have a clean sexual health record, then obviously it was not to protect himself from you. There are a few steps you need to take. Put the condom in a safe place somewhere he can't find it. Go out to your local office supply store and purchase a few voice activated recorders (VARs) they can be found for under $40. Use velcro to secure one of the VARs underneath the drivers seat of his car, review the recordings every few days. When you take one VAR out of his car for review, replace it with another one. That way you have time to review the VAR in peace. Place another VAR somewhere in the house where he is likely to spend a good bit of time. The point is to catch him talking on the phone about inappropriate stuff and have evidence to back you up when you confront him. Secondly, if his cellphone is not password protected, and you can get uninterupted access to it for ten minutes or so, install software called Mobile Spy, if you use a search engine, you will be able to find the web site without issues. There are instructions there on how to install the software for any phone. Install one of these monitoring programs on the computer (Monitoring Software Review 2012 | Best Computer Monitoring Software | Monitor Activities on Your Computer - TopTenREVIEWS) ive used spector pro in the past with some success. This will allow you to monitor what he is doing on the computer while you are not around. Monitor him for a few weeks, if you run across proof, keep it, confront him.

Option two: Confront him and bluff.

This is a more risky approach, and if it fails could drive whatever he was doing deep underground. Basically when he comes home, just walk up to him with the condom in your hand and say that you know whats going on, and you want him to tell you the truth. Carefully watch his response, this may also be a good time to have a VAR on you, so you can record his explanation about the condom and review it later, and have it for comparison should his story change. He may crack and confess. He may try and talk his way out, but still give you enough signals to cause doubt/answer your suspicion.

Regardless of what you choose to do, try and look over the financial records for the last few months. Try and see if there are any purchases you did not know about. Also go on-line and check the phone records for his cellphone. Look for numbers you dont know that he may be texting or talking to.

I hope that gives you enough of a framework to approach this situation. I wish you the best, and I hope I'm totally wrong about the whole thing.

the guy

Before you confront take the time to do more investigations and quitely validate your suspicions.

We all know that your H was just holding the condom for a friend and nothing is going on....ya right!

I suggest get a couple of VAR's (voice activated recorders) plant one in the bed room and another velcroed under his car set. Start looking at cell phone records and look at other statement.

My point to going all spy guy on him is you want the confrontation to be as effective as possible with out any chance of deniel. Plus confronting now may bring the affair deeper under ground or even cool off completely until you are off the sent.

My point is you will get alot more info by being patient and stealth then blowing up/confronting with this one red flag.

BTW are there any other red flags besides the condom, like lack of sex or keeping his cell phone closer then normal? Does he keep his cell password protected? If he is on the computor then get a keylogger!

Again you will learn more by doing the research now rather then confronting now.

kslhtrb

My gut reaction when I found it was to call him....I stopped myself because at the very least I want to be looking at his face when we have this conversation.

BUT...I know I need to be smart too, not just emotional. I love him - and quite frankly cannot imagine life without him in it. But - if he's been screwing around, don't see how I can continue to live with him. And that is where the smart(hopefully!) comes in.

I was planning to talk to him about this after work - rethinking that now, I had no idea you could get recorders like that! It may be best to take the weekend to do some planning.

and btw - yes - all kinds of issues this year....mom diagnosed with cancer, his dad with an an aneurysm & in ICU.....and created circumstances (by him) over the past couple of weeks definitely limiting our sex life.

You've given me some options, and info to consider - thank you

kslhtrb

I'm an idiot....using the computer and didn't even think to check it. But - nothing there. And he doesn't know jhow to dump the history/

But....I don't have access to his work computer or cell phone (work only)....so really, who knows. VAR may be the way to go. Checking now to see if they are carried here.....

the guy

Go to BestBuy or Walmart for the VAR, figure on $50 a piece.

Remember, you want your confrontation to be as effective as possible. The proof you cather will give you the confidence and strength in showing him the tough love that he will need to see.

Thats the thing with "effectiveness" many confront with out confidence and speculate and are easily talked out of what there gut is telling them...but with solid proof you have the confirmation to act more aggresive and hopfully scare him straight with the power of being able to let him go if it continues.

I pray that he is in the planing stages and you just find him browsing some dating sites. But it could be a EA with a coworker that may have gone physical or about to go PA...

So stay calm and act like nothing was found....try to be as normal as possible while you investigate. Also keep us up to date, there is alot of views and perspective on a good effective confrontation.

You will also need support b/c as you get closer to the truth you will be emotionally drained, so come here for support until you find the smoking gun or get as close as your emotions will let you.

kslhtrb

The Guy - you write like you know me.....I am a strong intelligent woman, but I know he will deny all knowledge - and I WANT to believe him.

I am completely freaking out.....amd really just want to throw up and the pretend this didn't happen....but I know I can't. And I don't know how I will stop thinking about this......chasing myself in circles. But I will. I'll go to work in (ACK!) 3 hours and carry on. And thanks to the advice on this site, I'm going to do nothing obvious for a few days at least.

I'm going to use those days to try to make some decisions for myself, and based on those decisions look into further investigations. Because he can talk me out of what I know in my gut.....when we have this conversation it needs to be about facts, not speculation.

the guy

He will be able to tell if your speculating, but with some hard proof you will be talking about facts.

Just remember never reveal your sources. when you do confront you will still need those source to confirm if the A is continuing....if there is an A..

Can you afford a private investorgater?

Humble Pie

Yes! the condom got in the laundry from being in yours/his clothes pockets!!

Why it was in his/your pockets is I think what you are digging for. What is the job your husband does? Is he a janitor, coustodian, etc? Is he in any interaction on his work shifts (could a friend has asked him to hold it for him?) I really could go on and on, as I am sure you have done in your head, best thing to do is just confront him, see what his reaction is, and how he responds.

Let us know what the outcome is of his reaction, we can give you our imput and better advice/suggestions.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Assuming that it's his...

The good news is that if it's his he believes in use of condoms even though he's had a vasectomy, so for other than birth control.

The fact that it's in a package still could either mean he didn't use it and didn't fool around, or that he did fool around and didn't use it.

Due to your remote location, do you guys do any sort of training programs to enhance morale and welfare? I'm thinking he could have gone to a briefing and condoms were handed out. My Chinese nanny used to have a lot of condoms on her person due to these sorts of trainings. Some places hand them out on a regular basis, with no regard for personal situation, as a matter of course.

But maybe I'm being overly generous.

I hate it when people don't check their pockets before putting their trousers in the wash. Except when there's cash involved. My rule is anything I find in the laundry is mine.

So, here is my personal opinion about the condom, given that it was found in the laundry. He forgot to check his pockets. To me, that indicates that he is confused. My guess is that he was thinking of having an illicit relationship and using a condom, but changed his mind. Then he got all worked up about what he almost did, and was obsessing about it and was very confused. The confusion is what led him to forget about the condom he had in his pocket. That and lack of sleep due to working shifts, which is maybe how he even considered having an illict relationship. Opportunity and lack of presence of mind.

Try to keep an open mind about it. If you are lucky and the above scenario is close to the truth, then you can have some kind of discussion about the pitfalls of your current work arrangements.

Edited to add...I went back and read your add'l info. It does sound like he has been very stressed. Stress can cause reduced blood flow to the brain and while this sounds like a very minor thing as he has continued functioning in all other respects, among the effects of extreme stress is reduced impulse control. This is a time when you need to look at your marriage vows and think about being your other half's keeper. Look at it first from a point of view of protecting the marriage. I wouldn't have this view except that you said about the things that happened in his family. It sounds like death has started to come knocking close to his doorstep. He could be having some kind of stress reaction. Do you know if maybe he is not sleeping well when he is off his shift? Is there someone you can talk to at your remote posting who is responsible for personnel reliability issues? I used to work as the personnel reliability program officer on a posting, and trust me lack of sleep and stress usually cause a lot of men in particular to do dumb stuff. They want to feel close to someone who will make it okay, and they get all mixed up and confuse sex with comfort. I mean, it is comfort, but then that makes them even more screwed up that they did that. What they really want is to make the stressors go away. It's kind of a panic reaction, using sex to alleviate stress. Unfortunately it can become an addictive cycle. Sigh, it's so much easier just to go to the clinic and ask for a sedative. But most guys don't want to take meds. I'm not being sexist, this is just how it is.

Zanna

I agree with the posters who say "don't confront" until you have more proof.

Sorry you're dealing with this but this is definitely a red flag that can't be ignored.

Keep posting.