So here we are, doing great and reconciling, had MC, WH totally committed to R, total transparancy no doubts at all from me as to level of honesty going on. Actually in a fab place, all happy.
At DD (5 months ago) she called our home I spoke to her and she told me she was sorry, he loved me and had told her several times , she would make a go of her marriage too and agreed (lol) not to contact him in any form again. Then 2 months ago, OW sends email; after discussion we agree not to respond at all (after all, thats what she wanted right?). Now, exactly to the day two months later, she emails again.
Both times WH prints off email brings home same day and shows me. He is distraught, because as he says he brings it all up again and stirs it up, just when we are getting somewhere, but he knows/wants to show me to demonstrate his commitment, and that was the agreement. I feel calm but I want to kill her. She is messing with my life and my family. Does she not get it?
We didnt do no contact letter. Is it time for that? Also, we both agreed that we dont actually know if her husband knows anything, despite her word that he does, do we expose anyway? Will that stop her?
God, I want to hurt her like she is hurting me but yet I feel for her husband because this feeling is like sh1t and I would be inflicting that on him. But yet also I feel pity for him that he maybe doesnt know?
Thank for taking that time to explain, messeduplady, really it is my problem as I am new to these topics
R = recovery, I imagine.
I don't think it is too early to take steps to stop her. By 'no contact letter' I guess you mean some legal enforcement to stop her? If that is the case then that too would expose her and would cause her some damage I should think (indirect and perhaps moral revenge).
I don't promote hurting her or revenge because anger has the quality of eating away at all people who come in contact with it. Anger isn't personal and your relationship will be stronger without it. The issue is if you hurt someone or get angry with your husband he will feel responsiblity or feel hurt and I think given the fragility of the situation the energy is better spent on bonding with him intimatly and solving the problem i.e. stopping her legally or very clearly within the bouds of the law.
However I do think you should talk to your husband and find a way to stop her. It must stop, that is key. She is the catalyst, it is clear, and her problems should not be your husband's problem (and clearly not yours).
As you cannot solve her problems, she needs that hard push to see that they won't go away via your husband. I am assume her problem is her own marriage from the post above and her escape is your husband. But not for long, there has to be a hard stop then she can turn her energy to her personal problems instead. So it is being hard to be good.
Praise your husband for printing them off and bringing them home. I suggest keeping all emails and papers to show should it become legal.
The NC letter is pretty meaningless, although it's likely the first step if you want to take legal steps to getting her to stop contacting you. I do doubt her husband knows, and I think that's where I would start.
Your husband could always close that email account...
Lady, she is the one who's messed up. I agree w/ Dan; out her to her husband. Affairs are like fungus, they don't thrive in the sunlight. Also, some email programs allow you to block certain senders. Or, as suggested above, change the email acct. Last resort would be a restraining order for stalking.
Expose to her husband; I hate to sound like it's all about revenge, but why should you be going through all this pain, if her marriage remains 'intact'? Find out if he knows about the affair. Fill him in on everything you know about it. He has a right to know, and it may provide you with a bit of closure.
Here's what I would do. I would make up a NC letter. The standard one is fine for a base. But I would include the following. If you continue to contact US (make sure you let her know that you are a couple and its always going to be US) we will take appropriate action. We will also make sure to forward all the communication you and H had during the affair to your husband for his review and consideration. You have been warned and this is your final warning.
I agree at the very least expose her fishing to her husband. You can also send her a nice message after that saying: to stay away, this time I sent it to your H. Do it again I send to your fam. Use their names if you know them to let her know, YOU KNOW. Let your H know how much it means to u that he told u. I would also keep an eye on his email acct, but that's just me.