The last year has been hell on earth. I never want to live through anything like it again and at times wasn't sure I would.
Long story short is that my wife had an affair last year. The why's and wherefores don't really matter. In truth I blamed myself and to a large extent still do. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break it.
I caught on very early that something was wrong last July and after a few weeks of careful watching aka spying got the proof I needed. Suffice to say I found some items in our bedroom that were of no use to me, plus one night I read some texts on her phone after she accidentally left it behind when she went out.
That's I guess when I made my first mistake. I decided to say nothing. I was terrified that she would leave me. Truth be told when it came to that point I realised how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.
I tried to talk to her but I'm not very good that way. Too shy even with someone I've spent 20 years with. I said things like "if you'd had an affair I could understand it the way things have been, but all I would want is to put it behind us and move on." She flatly denied having an affair. This person was a friend, a brother of a girl she used to know. Turns out later he was an old boyfriend. They met on FB. How many times have I heard that since. Because I didn't tell her I knew I couldn't really object to contact. I did and it went underground. A couple of times it surfaced and I would not take it well. In the end I had a breakdown and coming out of that decided to tell her the truth. She was gobsmacked.
She agreed not to contact him any more. Apparently they only had sex the once. In his car. She seduced him.
A few months later (Feb) I find they are still in contact on FB via poking back and forth. This time I get her to block him on FB. We go to counselling but are both so fragile the counsellor recommends separate sessions for us.
Later again I find they are still texting each other. To me this is worse than if it was just sex. Its emotional.
Now I'm numb and drained and don't know what to do. I love her . I've always been proud to be her husband. She says now that she has broken it off but I don't know if I trust her any more. I've heard so many lies and half truths and denials that I'm empty inside.
My question is this as I don't know where to turn.
Can these things be put aside ? Can two people who care about each other rebuild things?
The last year has been hell on earth. I never want to live through anything like it again and at times wasn't sure I would.
Long story short is that my wife had an affair last year. The why's and wherefores don't really matter. In truth I blamed myself and to a large extent still do. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break it.
I caught on very early that something was wrong last July and after a few weeks of careful watching aka spying got the proof I needed. Suffice to say I found some items in our bedroom that were of no use to me, plus one night I read some texts on her phone after she accidentally left it behind when she went out.
That's I guess when I made my first mistake. I decided to say nothing. I was terrified that she would leave me. Truth be told when it came to that point I realised how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.
I tried to talk to her but I'm not very good that way. Too shy even with someone I've spent 20 years with. I said things like "if you'd had an affair I could understand it the way things have been, but all I would want is to put it behind us and move on." She flatly denied having an affair. This person was a friend, a brother of a girl she used to know. Turns out later he was an old boyfriend. They met on FB. How many times have I heard that since. Because I didn't tell her I knew I couldn't really object to contact. I did and it went underground. A couple of times it surfaced and I would not take it well. In the end I had a breakdown and coming out of that decided to tell her the truth. She was gobsmacked.
She agreed not to contact him any more. Apparently they only had sex the once. In his car. She seduced him.
A few months later (Feb) I find they are still in contact on FB via poking back and forth. This time I get her to block him on FB. We go to counselling but are both so fragile the counsellor recommends separate sessions for us.
Later again I find they are still texting each other. To me this is worse than if it was just sex. Its emotional.
Now I'm numb and drained and don't know what to do. I love her . I've always been proud to be her husband. She says now that she has broken it off but I don't know if I trust her any more. I've heard so many lies and half truths and denials that I'm empty inside.
My question is this as I don't know where to turn.
Can these things be put aside ? Can two people who care about each other rebuild things?
I am sorry you are here, whether or not you can put her continued contact aside depends on behavior going forward.
My STBEH also recontacted the OW two weeks after claiming to break it off and swearing not to.
She sent him a fishing email, and he took the bait hook line and sinker.
Later, I found out he was she called him when he was at a men's club. The same club she offered to take him too on his birthday so they both could get a lap dance.
So, please stay alert, don't bury your head in the sand if continued contact is a deal breaker for you. It was for me.
It takes two to make a marriage and two to break it.
Almost puked when i read that new age touchy feely hogwash one liner... Whoever told you that is a bad influence and doesn't have clue.
Half the people on this site were betrayed on what appeared to be happy marriages. they had no warning, no problems, no nothing. Their only mistake was to marry someone who doesn't really respect them enough to not engage other partners.
To answer your question, can these things be put aside & can two people rebuild: yes.
But, two people have to be totally invested in making the rebuilding work, if only one is working at it, it will not work.
The problem here is that your wife has engaged in a lying, cheating behavior for a year now, and for the most part you allowed her behavior to continue. That is the most difficult part, dealing with a liar and a cheat. Good luck
I said things like "if you'd had an affair I could understand it the way things have been, but all I would want is to put it behind us and move on."
Sorry you are here,but saying this is pretty weak.She really doesn't even have to try minimizing,blame shifting or rug sweeping because you're willing to do it for her.You're offering her basically no consequences and "all will be forgiven" No real impetus to own up to her responsibilities and change her ways.jmo
You let her walk all over you by being silent and letting it skip since the first time it happened. You are afraid to be without her and this is preventing you from letting her know that you cannot put up with her cheating behavior. Man up, be firm and consider D to be an option if R won't work.
But I'm sure you'll get decent advice from BS around here.
__________________ Davelli0331:If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
Almost puked when i read that new age touchy feely hogwash one liner... Whoever told you that is a bad influence and doesn't have clue.
Half the people on this site were betrayed on what appeared to be happy marriages. they had no warning, no problems, no nothing. Their only mistake was to marry someone who doesn't really respect them enough to not engage other partners.
COSTA, I have to disagree with you on this. I believe, in most cases, if a person gets everything they need at home, the won't need outside stimuli.
In my case, I avoid conflict at any cost. I did mention from time to time that my needs weren't being met, but my wify wasn't hearing me. In 2005, I moved out f a couple of months to OW. That didn't work out, but it was enough of a shock to W that she asked me back and started listening to my needs some.
COSTA, I have to disagree with you on this. I believe, in most cases, if a person gets everything they need at home, the won't need outside stimuli.
You seem to have missed the situation when one of the partners puts such unreasonable demands on the other that they can never be met.
People paint to themselves this fake idea of marriage as an eternal romance every single day, with their partner dedicating hours upon no end to them in a bliss of never ending uninterrupted happiness.
Then when kids and real life kick in and that is not possible they come up with that "their needs aren't being met". Of course they aren't because they can't. The marriage wasn't destroyed by both, it was destroyed by the one that had unreasonable demands.
The thing is, these people will never be happy with a single partner. As soon as the relationship enters that routine phase the cheater's eyes start wondering again.
People like this should not marry. And when a marriage happens and doesn't work you cannot share the responsibilities of it ending.
Not excusing you or anything but in your case you tried to talk to your wife. That doesn't happen everytime. There are plenty of people who never did that. In fact, just look around this forum. There are plenty of people who listened that "you weren't satisfying my needs" for the first time AFTER they found out about the affair.
In those cases i think it is pretty safe to say that these are justifications and smoke screening, not causes.
It's a real easy way to blameshift and leave the low pride/self esteem BS feeling guilty, as a way to make it easier for them to cake eat a little bit more.
okay had to deete my post because i thought you were a innocent victim. now that you admitted that you had and affair and by your statements i don't think you ever realy owned that. plus it makes sense now that you would try to be compassionate with her since you screwed up to. maybe she stepped out because she didn't see you own up to your mistakes and decided that she would make you hurt as bad as you made her hurt. you have vot to start being honest. and i see some trickle truth coming from you. if you want o save you marriage it is time to face the beast that you and your wife have made a marriage. if you come on here for advice in an anonymous forum nd can't tell the truth t and the whole story then you have no chance for R. Posted via Mobile Device
Sure it can be fixed---but only if she wants to do her part---and from what you are telling us---she has gone back to him 3 times---or she probably never broke contact
Also sex one time only---don't believe that for a minute
Look all you can control is you---you have tried most everything from your side---if she doesn't wanna break contact, and completely go NC---there is nothing you can do
Sure you can D/threaten D---but if she loves him, and not you, why are you banging your head agst. a wall----you are miserable, and it is only gonna get worse
At this point you have one option, tell her to go, tell her to go live with him, or wherever she wants---just tell her to get away from you---cuz you are not gonna spend the rest of your life playing 2nd fiddle, living in misery.
Guess what, she ain't worth it---did you actually know, that there are millions of women, out there, and you WILL find someone, you can love, and be loved in return
Do you really wanna spend the rest of your life, being a parole officer---spending every minute checking on her whereabouts, ---you will never trust her
Is it worth it-----what is so great about HER---is it the sex, is it the being great friends/buddies---the soulmate-----does she REALLY improve YOU
What is so great about this woman, your wife---that makes you wanna stay, and put up with this crap, she is dishing out to you.
badbane,I don't think he had an affair.I think he just came out and finally told her he knew about hers.Up 'til then he had just been dancing around the subject.I could be wrong however,but that's how I interpreted it.
Almost puked when i read that new age touchy feely hogwash one liner...
Well.... In his case it may be different. He seems to be the kind of guy who will put up with any and all abuse just to receive whatever scraps she throws him and to, "always been proud to be her husband". My bet is he seldom gets any poon tang and she stay with him because he's a decent provider while banging her BF. I also bet and I quote, "they are still in contact on FB via poking back and forth", (if you know what I mean.) I used to love to date chicks with husbands like this dude. She's already mentally ditched him. Its just a matter of time before she makes it official.
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All messed up 
