LookingForTheSun

I have other threads about my story, but afraid that my NEWEST question may get lost and I think it is important for me and other BS's in R to be addressed and get input on, so here goes.....

Does there come a point in R when the BS has to realize that he/she may not get all of the answers of their WS's affair(s), and if they want to succeed in R, they have to let some things go if all else seems to be doing good?

JustAnotherGuy

I think that you should not let it go, you deserve to know the complete truth.

lamaga

I have to disagree with JustAnotherGuy, I think at some point you need to decide to move forward with your life.

Really, which of us ever know the real complete truth about what happened in our lives? Why we didn't get that job, why that girl in high school broke up with us, why our sibling did that thing back in 2003, blah blah blah.

I applaud you, Looking, and I think you are right. At a certain point, it's time to look to the future. Good luck.

Sara8

If your husband is also working hard on R then, yes, there is a point where you need to stop torturing yourself and him with questions about the affair details.

However, underlying psychological issues that may have been at the root of the affair or marital issues do need to be discussed and clarified, IMO.

JustAnotherGuy

With all due respect, wouldn't you think that in this instance, the WS should be completely honest in an attempt to renew credibility? I think that the truth is a step towards closure.

lamaga

Perhaps he has. We don't know, we're not there. But Looking is there, and is thinking that it's time to move on.

LookingForTheSun

Not defending my husband, but the questions I have do not have to do with the truth anymore, as I know about the affairs - it is more of learning details (which I know can lead to additional triggers, and those I have now are hard enough).

I question because I want to know as much as possible (in my nature to have all details), but I am also starting to feel that if I keep this up and keep trickling the questions in, it may start to wear on both of us.

the guy

In my case my interogations my fWW put up with lasted for 6 months. Then after a year I told her I forgave her and that a bench mark was met and she passed and could stick around.

So yes there has to be a point when the A issues are set a side, but the important thing is getting to that point in time. Again it took us a year, and even now once in a while my fWW will bring it up.

I would also have to say that you may not get to this point if you still have unresolved issue ....especially about "having everything"

Lets just say in my case I had had enough about this guy and that guy a what he did and what he didn't do.

So in short I think it more about us as individuals...if we had *enough info" versus getting *all* the info. My point is I could not have moved on unless I was satisfied more then having everything. Hell we never get "everything"

I have to say even after 2-1/2 year since confronting I just got some new info....with out even asking.

Sara8

Can you pose this question to a counselor.

It is apparently normal to need to know the details. The counselor should have explained that to your spouse.

Still, at a certain point, when you know enough, why keep asking for more mind movies.

I say this for you, not him. IMO, he should fess up to anything you ask.

But, IMO, some details may just cause you more harm.

Hope1964

How far out are you?

We're two years and I still ask him questions. The 'need to know' has diminished to almost nil now, but every once in a while I ask stuff. And I will continue to do so. He answers patiently and lovingly now - he didn't at first, till he realized it's something I really need.

There are still many things I do not know, but I'm ok with that. I know that part of our lives is in the past, and he's into ME now, so it's ok that some of what he did remains obscure.

__________________
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication
FOR CWI NEWBIES
~My story~
Understanding the Pain - required reading for WS's
Help for sex addicts and their spouse

the guy

Details are painful but you sound alot like me in the fact that I needed to have them.
As painful as it was I found it interesting on knowing how the OM's acted and behaved and what was a turn on and a turn off.

For examble my fWW told me about one guy who used his hand and would run around her body in high speed ..never spending more then a split second on a erraginous zone ( a tingly part) before moving on to another then another then back then move on. Hell he hit a dozed body part with in 2 seconds.

The point is we would laugh and talk about what a turn off it was and what she liked about my for play skills. A discusion that gave me an idea of what she and OM's did and just a convo about what was going on behind my back.
Its these details that prevent the imagination running wild, a discusion that tells me that yes she screwed around and even though each guy was different and some were great in bed. but the bottom line is all of them knew she was married and all of them were used as bandaids for her sh!tty marriage.

the guy

@hope1964, I wish I could hit the like button twice b/c that were I am at now....funny how 2 years can bring two betrayed to the same level of thinking.
I mean its alot different in the 1st few month then in the 1st few years when it comes to a healthy R.

I think OP shouldn't be affraid to continue to question... another consequence her man has to face and how he will stand up to it.

Better to push him now then stay quite and watch him go off in a few years kind of thing.

Hope1964

I heard over and over at first that two years seems to be a threshold for many BS's. Maybe it's true. I hate to put timelines on these things, though, because every case is so very different.

"I think OP shouldn't be affraid to continue to question... another consequence her man has to face and how he will stand up to it."

__________________
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication
FOR CWI NEWBIES
~My story~
Understanding the Pain - required reading for WS's
Help for sex addicts and their spouse

LookingForTheSun

DD1 was Dec 7. DD2 was Dec 22. DD3 was Jan 3. DD4 and Final Contact was Mar 6.

My mind tries to lump this whole affair together as 1 - that he never really made a final decision (and he didn't) until Mar 6. However, my heart hurt more each time I found out that he resumed contact (email/texts).

So we are 1 day shy of 4 months into TRUE R. I have given him many chances to leave since then, and yet he has stayed. I have also said that I am no longer willing to do the heavy lifting, that I got us this far, that I fought for our family when there was no hope and when he could not see clearly enough to fight for it - that he almost lost it all. I belive he is trully remorseful and his anger/hatred/demons for what he did is killing him. He sent me an email this morning about other things (nothing bad), but includes the following. We were doing well for the most part considering, then had 2 blowups last week where I was ready to leave, and has since even upped his game since then, FINALLY doing everything he should have been doing from day 1. So, I am wondering for me, do I concede, and know that life is not fair, but that my marriage is worth more than getting every detail? Yes, he cheated, and he owes it to me to answer every question I have, but R is not a one-size-fits-all situation, and demanding what we deserve does not always fit the dynamics of the people involved or the circumstance.

He has been transparent, remorseful, been hating himself, broken, and a lost soul. Yes, I have been there for him, even as I hated him, even as I chewed him out, even as I cried, even as I died inside. I told him that it is time he gets over it already and starts being the man he should/could be. He does have some good in him and he needs to build on that. He needs to be 100 percent committed or it wil not work, so he needs to find a way to deal with his self anger and get over it. I am not the cause. He is the cause, and his demons are holding him back. I told him that his demons are the third party in out marriage now and I can't fight those and can't help him. (this is all on another post...getting back to the question/matter at hand)Here is what he wrote:

I Love You and our family and we will take our time to relax also. I don’t mind the sacrifice of unneeded expenses for smiles and happy hearts! I have a picture of Superman at my desk that my daughter colored for me, it’s about time I start being that person. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done and my mistakes but I can’t ever be great if I don’t lock those things away. I won’t forget them or the pain that I’ve caused you. I need to release so I can breathe again and start giving what I’m capable of giving to You and the Girls! I am a great person who has made horrible choices and decisions in my life but I also have made great choices and decisions and have made personal sacrifices for my country. I won’t forget the wrongs or rights that I’ve done anymore, I’m 41 years old and have the rest of my life to be great and I’m going to! I love you and I won’t EVER FAIL you ever again, you deserve that from me! We need to reconnect with family and friends and we need to make new friends and we need to clean our windows from the inside and let the sunshine in. If we walk and run side by side in life neither one of us will ever be down long should we fall. So to answer your question from yesterday, Yes, I am happy and I’m ready for us to be happier!"


In my instance, I am beginning to accept that I have all of the important information, but asking my husband to keep going back is stopping him from being able to move on as well, which is holdiing us back in a sense, from something that I really do want to move forward from and put behind.

TDSC60

My feelings exactly. If a wayward spouse is not totally, brutally honest in answering questions the betrayed spouse has, then the WS does not truly want R. They are protecting someone else (or maybe themselves).