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Polygraph, to take or not to take?

42K views 41 replies 21 participants last post by  Jeffery 
#1 ·
Hi-Unlike most threads I have read here I have been unfaithful; in the emotional sense once, during my marriage. This was 6 years ago and I confessed to my husband that the other man had kissed me (which he doesn’t believe, he thinks I initiated the kiss) within a month of the incident. I also confessed that we had feelings for one another but it was extremely short lived as the OM was going through a divorce and my husband was actually threatening me with a divorce prior to my EA. I was in a very dark and sad place, my husband had always been harshly critical and judgmental of my past (i.e. I did drugs and had been with a girl before). This OM accepted all my previous flaws and we had a great appreciation for one another but I never intended for it to turn into anything physical. So like I said it was one kiss and absolutely nothing else (he basically laid one on me one night he was drunk) So here we are almost 6 years later and my husband still has huge trust issues and wants me to take a lie detector test. He won’t tell me what questions he has so I am perplexed by that alone. Also I am very very nervous about these things not being accurate, needless to say if you Google it there are so many stories about the inaccuracies. So should I take it or not? Really I feel like he should just come out and ask me what it is he wants to know bc I have divulged all the ugly details so what’s left? I do know that he thinks I have been unfaithful since and that couldn’t be further from the truth.
 
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#3 ·
The most accurate results are gotten from yes and no questions.

IMO, you need to comply. Refusing to take the polygraph may seem like red flag to me.

With that said, if you were in love with OM, or have lied about anything to your spouse you MAY FAIL DUE TO NERVOUSNESS.

So, why not fess up to everything now and then you can likely safely take the polygraph.

It's usually the half lies that trip people up on a poly.

For example if you were in love during the affair but lied and told your husband you weren't, when they ask the question are you in love, even if you may now no longer be in love with OM, you will be nervous.

So prior to the poly fess up about any possible conflicts.
 
#4 ·
That is exactly what I am worried about. I know I will be extremely nervous. I would be happy to answer any of his questions BEFORE the test but he won't ask them. He just keeps saying "tell me everything" but I don't knwo what EVERYTHING is:scratchhead: I have told him all the ugly details so what is left?
 
#7 ·
Tacoma:

In a criminal court case, I agree, and would fire an attorney who wanted me to take one.

But in infidelity, the refusal to take one is often seen as hiding something.

In cases of infidelity a good polygraphed will educate the spouse about false positives.

If her husband is ok with the refusal, then she will be okay refusing, but if not, it will cause anxiety and doubt
 
#11 ·
NSFW (just language), but funny and IMO very true: Polygraph Tests | Cracked.com

I realize polygraphs are widely recommended here, and I myself am a BS, but come on... They're probably about as reliable as asking a psychic. Plus, accomplished liars have the best odds of passing!

Sorry for going against the grain on my first post! This is a great forum that helped me quite a bit just from lurking during my ordeal.
 
#15 ·
I always laugh when I see people post stuff like this. Eyewitness testimony can be far, far more inaccurate, yet its admissable in court. Bad eyewitness accounts have been responsible for more innocent people going to jail than anything else. And anyone can lie on the stand. Yet all that is allegedly more accurate and admissible in a court of law.

But this is about infidelity. Saying you're going to fail anyway because of nervousness is a cop out. Who has not been nervous when taking a polygraph? Everyone is. That's why the polygraph session takes so long, most of the beginning is devoted to calm you down and relaxing you.
 
#14 · (Edited)
Well, he's probably looking dor "certainty" which really doesn't exist.

But if he truly has faith in a poly you passing it may be all he needs to get past this.

It's a big risk.
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#16 ·
It sounds to me like he should be putting his trust in you,
rather than into the results of a polygraph test.

That being said, nothing is worse than not knowing or
trusting your spouse when it comes to EA/PA's.

It is a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone, but it's up to BOTH
of you to make right. If one or the other can't agree, your
marriage is doomed to fail.

I wish you the best of luck.
 
#18 ·
Listen it I know you came here but it sounds like you are holding back. Lack of details, minimizing what happened, and I love to hear the line. He kissed me. So you just stood there and took it. Unless he did it against your will you won't get much sympathy from me.
I would also wonder why he is throwing around the big D?
Please be more open and tell us more. Remember we can't give you any real advice until the whole story is out.
 
#24 ·
Have you two gone through couples counseling? Has your H done individual counseling? Have You? You mentioned that you confessed about the EA and the PA (kiss), but during the time of your confession, your H was already threatening to file for D. What issues caused him to threaten a D? You mention that he never let go of your past, and uses it to punish you. Do you still sleep with women? Do you do drugs? If the answer is no, why do you allow him to hold your past over you like that? Humans are fallible by nature. We learn from our mistakes, but in order to learn, we have to make them. Obviously this is just your version of events, so it is one sided, but if you are to be taken at your word, your H sounds like a person with a lot of control and trust issues that should be addressed in counseling. The fact that you allow him to hold your past over you like that should be addressed in your own individual counseling sessions as well. Your husband, and you, deserve to live happy fulfilled lives with partners that love you. If you are incapable of doing that for one another, maybe you two should split?

I would consent to taking the polygraph only after you both had a few sessions under your belts with individual counselors, and at the very minimum 5/6 sessions with a couples counselor, with a few of them being devoted to the topic of the polygraph. Best of luck to you.
 
#27 ·
Take the polygraph. If you pass you can rub it in, if you fail you're not worse of because your marriage isn't working anyway.

This that you have there is a fake R. He can't cope with the situation but somehow decided to keep you around.

He won't tell you the questions but i believe it will be pretty standard.

"Did you had sex with the OM?"
"Were you in love with the OM?"
"Do you love your husband?"
"Who initiated the kiss?"

Whatever. Polygraph tests are inaccurate and some of the underlying ideas around it seem pseudo-scientific. There is a range of uncertainty related to the operator too. But at this moment you have very little to lose don't you?
 
#31 ·
BenJen,

Do you love your husband? Do you want the interrogations to stop?

If you answered yes to both these questions then this is what you do.

You sit him down and tell him this "Husband, I love you and I understand that you still do not trust me after 6 years. I know what I did was wrong and was very hurtful to you.

But I swear to you I have not left any details out.

I will agree to a polygraph test under 2 conditions.

A. Once I pass the test the interogations stop.

B. Once I pass you agree to go to counselling so we can get our marriage back to a respectful, loving relationship."

What you did was wrong. Your husband carrying on for 6 years has made it worse for both of you.

If your husband cannot agree to those two terms (and you need to agree with them too) then I think it is time to end your relationship.

Good Luck

Hm64
 
#32 ·
You did drugs before you met him. You had sexual partners before you met him.

Six years ago a sad, deluded drunk kissed you when he was in a dark, lonely place.

And now your husband wants you to take a lie detector test?

Why? Why after all this time?

Have you done anything to make him doubt you since then? If not, then you should agree to the lie detector test.

But you should make some demands on him, too. You should have pre-knowledge of the test questions and he should take a lie detector test, too.

Why? Sometimes people blameshift or blame transfer. His reasons for distrusting you might be because he is doing something bad that he is somehow blaming you for.
 
#35 ·
You did drugs before you met him. You had sexual partners before you met him.

Six years ago a sad, deluded drunk kissed you when he was in a dark, lonely place.

And now your husband wants you to take a lie detector test?

This is all over a kiss 6 years ago?

Unreal, no way I`d take that poly.
 
#33 · (Edited)
I thought in polygraphs you couldn't ask questions regarding intent or feelings?

In other words, I couldn't ask did you want to have sex with her and that is why you asked her out for drinks?

Or were you in love with her (regarding a possible EA)?

I've got three girls in question so I'm having a really tough time deciding what type of questions I want asked. I only get three questions.

WS has again agreed to the test, first time was a bluff. This time I'm calling it, so no bluffing. He sent me an email the other day with days he could go in. We're nine months into this mess and I can't even begin to try to move forward with all these lingering doubts still hanging over me.

I've got a drunken ONS on a business trip that he claims was a BJ only.
This is the only transgression he will admit to. I'm not sure I believe it was a BJ only. He trickled truthed me at first for a full month and told me he only kissed her. (He kept the ONS from me for nine years and only starting "confessing" after I threatened a polygraph.)

I've got a flirty message from a former coworker who he asked out for drinks on an out of town business trip. We later see her at a restaurant and the tension between the two was very real and uncomfortable.

I've got a possible EA that lasted two years with another coworker, he admits it was not appropriate and was close to crossing boundaries that shouldn't have been crossed. I questioned him often about her during those two years. He always denied. He was getting pain killers from her using his migraines as an excuse. This he kept from me. He claims he never touched her, yet I mysteriously kept infections and tested positive to HPV literally two weeks before she suddenly stopped talking to him with no explanation.

Ya, none of this sounds good. So what questions would I even ask?!? If anyone has any suggestions I'd greatly appreciate it. I can't rule out there were other girls on other business trips, either.

This was all in the past. ONS nine years ago, EA four years ago. He doesn't travel for work anymore. I was kept in the dark about the ONS all this time. Our kids were very little when it happened. He doesn't want a divorce, yet there are so many questionable things and I can't feel he is remorseful if he's still lying. Plus, I'm having a time forgiving the ONS, if it's serial cheating?!?
 
#36 ·
Hi bj879: Are you 100% sure that there was only one kiss? Nothing else? No other PA? No sex of any kind? If so, then arrange to take a polygraph yourself WITHOUT lettting your H know, to see if you pass or not. In the US, this will cost about $300 to $500, but will be well worth it, and will let you know how you do if your H makes you takes a P test. See what your responses will be to such questions as:

1. Have you ever had sexual intercourse with Mr. X (his name put here)?
2. Have you ever had oral sex with Mr. X?
3. Have you had any contact with Mr. X since Janauary 1st 2012 (or whatever date is appropriate)?

EVERYONE is nervous when taking a P test, but do one first by yourself without letting your H know, to see what the P results are. And let the P tester know this prior to the test, since you claim to be so nervous.

I am wishing you the best since I've been here before..but please do not EVER have an EA or PA again, since they are so destructive to a marriage. E.
 
#38 ·
I'd take it. Sure you're nervous, only a nut job would be calm and certain.

It's been 6 years and he's uncertain. He believes this will give him the closure and resolution he's seeking. It may or may not, but for the sake of the chance to move forward isn't it worth it?

Polygraphs aren't perfect, but they do work well enough to be used by law enforcement and the gov't for clearances.

They "don't work" in all cases because frankly, a lot of the people who take then are either guilty, or in fact nut jobs. They are the effective a catching these people who then go on to trash the results of the test.

So don't worry about being nervous - it's normal. In fact point this out to your husband and don't try to act cool and hide it. Tell him you love him, and that you have nothing to hide, so you will do it, but that it's scary when you put that much trust into the test and the person giving it to you.

Tell you husband you value him and your marriage and that any black-white test that could hurt the marriage of course scares you and that he should note that and realize how much you really do love him.
 
#39 ·
Polygraphy has little credibility among scientists.[23][24] Despite claims of 90-95% validity by polygraph advocates, and 95-100% by businesses providing polygraph services,[non-primary source needed] critics maintain that rather than a "test", the method amounts to an inherently unstandardizable interrogation technique whose accuracy cannot be established. A 1997 survey of 421 psychologists estimated the test's average accuracy at about 61%, a little better than chance.[25] Critics also argue that even given high estimates of the polygraph's accuracy a significant number of subjects (e.g. 10% given a 90% accuracy) will appear to be lying, and would unfairly suffer the consequences of "failing" the polygraph. In the 1998 Supreme Court case, United States v. Scheffer, the majority stated that "There is simply no consensus that polygraph evidence is reliable" and "Unlike other expert witnesses who testify about factual matters outside the jurors' knowledge, such as the analysis of fingerprints, ballistics, or DNA found at a crime scene, a polygraph expert can supply the jury only with another opinion..."[26] Also, in 2005 the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals stated that “polygraphy did not enjoy general acceptance from the scientific community”.[27] Charles Honts, a psychology professor at Boise State University, states that polygraph interrogations give a high rate of false positives on innocent people.[28] In 2001 William G. Iacono, Distinguished McKnight University Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience and Director, Clinical Science and Psychopathology Research Training Program at the University of Minnesota, published a paper titled “Forensic “Lie Detection": Procedures Without Scientific Basis” in the peer reviewed Journal of Forensic Psychology Practice. He concluded that.....

Polygraph - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
 
#40 ·
i did agree to take a polygraph to prove faithfulness and honesty to my husband. i was also nervous but told the truth and i passed. that was two weeks ago and he believed the results then but is doubting them now. it is difficult to break the pattern of distrust. i still would recommend taking one if you are being honest, and if he still doesn't believe you, at least you know you did all you could... no regrets.
 
#41 ·
If you once had an affiar, you should take the test as requested. It takes time for your partner to get over an infidelity. However, if my mate demanded a polygraph when he has never had reason to be suspicious, I would comply and then exit the relationship. Probably not what most people would do, but I am quite anal about respect and honesty in relatoinsjips and life is just too short for me to waste time participating in going nowhere relationships.
 
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