Polygraph, to take or not to take?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-06-2012, 10:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Polygraph, to take or not to take?

Hi-Unlike most threads I have read here I have been unfaithful; in the emotional sense once, during my marriage. This was 6 years ago and I confessed to my husband that the other man had kissed me (which he doesn’t believe, he thinks I initiated the kiss) within a month of the incident. I also confessed that we had feelings for one another but it was extremely short lived as the OM was going through a divorce and my husband was actually threatening me with a divorce prior to my EA. I was in a very dark and sad place, my husband had always been harshly critical and judgmental of my past (i.e. I did drugs and had been with a girl before). This OM accepted all my previous flaws and we had a great appreciation for one another but I never intended for it to turn into anything physical. So like I said it was one kiss and absolutely nothing else (he basically laid one on me one night he was drunk) So here we are almost 6 years later and my husband still has huge trust issues and wants me to take a lie detector test. He won’t tell me what questions he has so I am perplexed by that alone. Also I am very very nervous about these things not being accurate, needless to say if you Google it there are so many stories about the inaccuracies. So should I take it or not? Really I feel like he should just come out and ask me what it is he wants to know bc I have divulged all the ugly details so what’s left? I do know that he thinks I have been unfaithful since and that couldn’t be further from the truth.
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Old 07-06-2012, 10:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

Just a thought...but could he just be looking for a good solid reason to get out of the marriage without feeling like the bad guy?
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Old 07-06-2012, 10:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

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Originally Posted by benjen879 View Post
Hi-Unlike most threads I have read here I have been unfaithful; in the emotional sense once, during my marriage. This was 6 years ago and I confessed to my husband that the other man had kissed me (which he doesn’t believe, he thinks I initiated the kiss) within a month of the incident. I also confessed that we had feelings for one another but it was extremely short lived as the OM was going through a divorce and my husband was actually threatening me with a divorce prior to my EA. I was in a very dark and sad place, my husband had always been harshly critical and judgmental of my past (i.e. I did drugs and had been with a girl before). This OM accepted all my previous flaws and we had a great appreciation for one another but I never intended for it to turn into anything physical. So like I said it was one kiss and absolutely nothing else (he basically laid one on me one night he was drunk) So here we are almost 6 years later and my husband still has huge trust issues and wants me to take a lie detector test. He won’t tell me what questions he has so I am perplexed by that alone. Also I am very very nervous about these things not being accurate, needless to say if you Google it there are so many stories about the inaccuracies. So should I take it or not? Really I feel like he should just come out and ask me what it is he wants to know bc I have divulged all the ugly details so what’s left? I do know that he thinks I have been unfaithful since and that couldn’t be further from the truth.
The most accurate results are gotten from yes and no questions.

IMO, you need to comply. Refusing to take the polygraph may seem like red flag to me.

With that said, if you were in love with OM, or have lied about anything to your spouse you MAY FAIL DUE TO NERVOUSNESS.

So, why not fess up to everything now and then you can likely safely take the polygraph.

It's usually the half lies that trip people up on a poly.

For example if you were in love during the affair but lied and told your husband you weren't, when they ask the question are you in love, even if you may now no longer be in love with OM, you will be nervous.

So prior to the poly fess up about any possible conflicts.
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Old 07-06-2012, 10:44 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

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The most accurate results are gotten from yes and no questions.

IMO, you need to comply. Refusing to take the polygraph may seem like red flag to me.

With that said, if you were in love with OM, or have lied about anything to your spouse you MAY FAIL DUE TO NERVOUSNESS.

So, why not fess up to everything now and then you can likely safely take the polygraph.

It's usually the half lies that trip people up on a poly.

For example if you were in love during the affair but lied and told your husband you weren't, when they ask the question are you in love, even if you may now no longer be in love with OM, you will be nervous.

So prior to the poly fess up about any possible conflicts.
That is exactly what I am worried about. I know I will be extremely nervous. I would be happy to answer any of his questions BEFORE the test but he won't ask them. He just keeps saying "tell me everything" but I don't knwo what EVERYTHING is I have told him all the ugly details so what is left?
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Old 07-06-2012, 10:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

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That is exactly what I am worried about. I know I will be extremely nervous. I would be happy to answer any of his questions BEFORE the test but he won't ask them. He just keeps saying "tell me everything" but I don't knwo what EVERYTHING is I have told him all the ugly details so what is left?
Call and talk to the polygrapher.

He should only ask yes and no questions.

Any other type causes ambiguity.

You will not fail, if you told him everything and did not sugar coat anything.

Sugar coatings can give a false positive to a question.

So if you haven't sugar coated you will likely do okay.

You can still fail a few questions and be deemed as being truthful.

The polygrapher takes all the responses in context.

Also, if you are the extremely high strung type, you will likely get a high nervousness reading when they ask you your name.

The reading however will go even higher if you are lying outright.

The tester will average out the hi and lows.

Last edited by Sara8; 07-06-2012 at 10:59 AM.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

I wouldn't take a poly for all the money in the world.

Far too much leeway for mistakes
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

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I wouldn't take a poly for all the money in the world.

Far too much leeway for mistakes
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Tacoma:

In a criminal court case, I agree, and would fire an attorney who wanted me to take one.

But in infidelity, the refusal to take one is often seen as hiding something.

In cases of infidelity a good polygraphed will educate the spouse about false positives.

If her husband is ok with the refusal, then she will be okay refusing, but if not, it will cause anxiety and doubt
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Tacoma:

In a criminal court case, I agree, and would fire an attorney who wanted me to take one.

But in infidelity, the refusal to take one is often seen as hiding something.

In cases of infidelity a good polygraphed will educate the spouse about false positives.

If her husband is ok with the refusal, then she will be okay refusing, but if not, it will cause anxiety and doubt
I agree entirely but a false positive in a poly is going to send her straight to divorce court.

Rock & a hard place for sure
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:11 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

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I agree entirely but a false positive in a poly is going to send her straight to divorce court.

Rock & a hard place for sure
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That is exactly why I didn't want to do one!!! Yes indeed "rock and a hard place"
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:14 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

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Tacoma:

In a criminal court case, I agree, and would fire an attorney who wanted me to take one.

But in infidelity, the refusal to take one is often seen as hiding something.

In cases of infidelity a good polygraphed will educate the spouse about false positives.

If her husband is ok with the refusal, then she will be okay refusing, but if not, it will cause anxiety and doubt
So what do you make of him not telling me what questions he wants me to answer? I mean from what I hear they have to tell you the questions before the test is conducted anyway so why not give me a chance to tell the truth?
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:30 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

NSFW (just language), but funny and IMO very true: Polygraph Tests | Cracked.com

I realize polygraphs are widely recommended here, and I myself am a BS, but come on... They're probably about as reliable as asking a psychic. Plus, accomplished liars have the best odds of passing!

Sorry for going against the grain on my first post! This is a great forum that helped me quite a bit just from lurking during my ordeal.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:46 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

So should I just give up? I mean it's been almost 6 years since that incident and I'm constantly punished for it. Is it possible he can't get past this? With or w/out the test.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:47 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

^^

I made a similar point in an another thread, how long really should a WS be "punished" for their actions. If he hasn't gotten past it after 6 years then it's really time to move on so you could both heal. Just my opinion.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:49 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

Well, he's probably looking dor "certainty" which really doesn't exist.

But if he truly has faith in a poly you passing it may be all he needs to get past this.

It's a big risk.
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Last edited by tacoma; 07-06-2012 at 03:15 PM.
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Old 07-06-2012, 12:44 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Polygraph, to take or not to take?

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Originally Posted by OnTheRocks View Post
NSFW (just language), but funny and IMO very true: Polygraph Tests | Cracked.com

I realize polygraphs are widely recommended here, and I myself am a BS, but come on... They're probably about as reliable as asking a psychic. Plus, accomplished liars have the best odds of passing!

Sorry for going against the grain on my first post! This is a great forum that helped me quite a bit just from lurking during my ordeal.
I always laugh when I see people post stuff like this. Eyewitness testimony can be far, far more inaccurate, yet its admissable in court. Bad eyewitness accounts have been responsible for more innocent people going to jail than anything else. And anyone can lie on the stand. Yet all that is allegedly more accurate and admissible in a court of law.

But this is about infidelity. Saying you're going to fail anyway because of nervousness is a cop out. Who has not been nervous when taking a polygraph? Everyone is. That's why the polygraph session takes so long, most of the beginning is devoted to calm you down and relaxing you.
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