AZMOMOFTWO

Having a crappy night. I wrote to you all about the rollercoaster well its dipping down again and I feel like I just ate too much cotton candy and fried twinkies and we're about to go through the loop!

I just overreacted with my son, he and a friend were being noisy and I pretty much yelled at them both. I did ask nicely to quiet down 3 or 4 times then yelled. I don't usually do that and his friend immediately left. Gee, I feel good.

Texted my H and told him how I hate feeling angry and what happened and he tried to make me feel better. I then wrote back and said "just tell me"...a long standing conversation we have had in which I know he's holding back on some BIG informatin regarding his affair. No I don't know for sure just a gut feeling that I cannot get past. His reply...none. Just didn't reply at all.

It is warranted too. last summer when I thought he could be having an affair, confronted him and he got angry at me, said I was overreacting and how dare I. So then I turned up photos on his computer he emailed her and he denied an affair. Then I read him the message "Hi Baby, where are you.." so still overreacting. Yeah. He didn't do anything wrong. I told him don't come home our marriage is over. Oh, now he wanted to confess (this is last August) that yeah he slept with her 2 times in our truck no where else, no kissing or foreplay, never felt anything for her or told her he loved her. Eight months later and me pushing, shoving, crying, threatening...cause I knew he was lying....I learn it was about 6 months, countless times, lots of foreplay, in our bed and other places in our house, and oh yeah he did say the I love you but didn't mean it.

So now he says I know all of it. Do I? My gut says no. Not sure what I'm missing but I do know he looked at another place to live and she came with him but denies he was going to allow her to move in, but claims to be looking in case I had kicked him out. A lie? Probably.

I cannot let this go, its killing me and preventing me from moving on but he holds on to it. So I wrote him a letter tonight asking him why he treated me so badly and why he won't admit everything. I also think he never loved me as deeply as I loved him. Not sure if I should give it to him.... here are some excerpts you guys tell me, I need a vote here:

"You will never understand how much you have hurt me. I have come to understand that you do not, and never have loved me as deeply as I loved you. I say this because you never would have felt something for someone else the way you felt for her..." .... "I know that you two talked about your future, mine didn't matter. After you asked me to forgive you, you contacted her. What's to stop you now? Do you even want me to forgive you? How can I when you refuse to confess anything? Is it supposed to be a blank check? ....... To be truly happy I need to know that you love me unconditionally when I'm sick, sad, or being difficult. Its easy to love someone at their best but true love means you love someone also at their worst. I loved you at your worst, when I found out what you did, I still loved you. I want and need someone willing to fight for me, I don't see you fighting I see you waiting for me to get past this."

Frankly I think he really doesn't want to read it. Just sweep it under the carpet pretend it never happened. Wish I could. Even if I could pretend I could its taking a toll. Can't sleep again, insomnia is pretty bad, so fatigue is taking over and making me really irritable. I have a stomach ulcer that he seems to just ignore. Which affects my ability to eat, if I had an appetite. Dropping weight like no one's business, no longer have any to lose.. He doesn't seem concerned, funny though friends have commented...nothing worse than them shoving food at me saying you HAVE to eat. They have no idea so its hard to just tell them I can't. They all thikn I am on some crazy diet but thing is, when I feel this way if I do eat, it comes back up.

marina72

AZ,, first, please get to a doctor... you can't ignore your body's signs that it's going into shutdown mode. Your friends are right, you Must eat... you can't do this to yourself. Tell your doc that you are having trouble keeping food down, and there is likely something they can give you, to make eating easier. You are rapidly depleting your bodies fat stores, and you're not getting enough nutrients, electrolytes,etc.. if your'e not eating. Try some gatorade, or some kind of sporsts drink, to get you back on track, or the BRAT diet, for a couple days.. Bananas, Rice, Apples, Toast. And you must get that ulcer treated, if you're not already. They can spiral out of control if you don't. Don't let what he did, make you physically ill...

I think you should give him the letter, if it's what you truly feel, then it's something he needs to hear. Have you two done any marital counseling? How did it work for you?

Sounds like this has tortured your soul for a long time. Do you feel he is still in contact with this woman?

You can't live like this forever, you and hubby have to work through this, it's ruining your health. He can't dictate how fast you get over this, and I think he might need someone , a professional, to clue him into this..... I think he is only seeing it from his point of view, and so he doesn't know how much the trust issue, still haunts you, and how feeling that there is something you don't know, eats at you.

Either way, please get to a doc, that can help you with your eating issues.... you would not want to develop an eating disorder because of all this. That will make your life, even harder.

Good luck, update if you can...

827Aug

Hi!

Sorry you are still having problems. I see the logic behind Marina's advice, but I'm not sure I would give him the letter. I guess it would depend on if you are still wanting to save the marriage. He had an affair. And I certainly know how painful all of that is! At this point you need to forgive him and stop questioning him. The badgering and confrontation, will drive him away from you emotionally (& eventually physically). I'm not saying to put your head in the sand---simply gather your proof and nicely ask once. If he lies, you know what you are dealing with. When I was going thru my separation last year, I had to learn that for my own sake. When you forgive and let go of the bitterness, you'll be amazed at how much better you will feel.

Hang in there and keep us posted.....

sunflower

Ya its funny you wrote a letter I DID THE SAME but I never gave it to him I wrote all my feelings thoughts anger it was very up and down but I held on to it forever then finally let it go. You have to remember you WILL NOT know all the details you may never know the entire truth I know I wont. Like for a example I had this huge issue with if he told her he had feelings or not he says NO I DIDNT but the conversation led her to believe that so..... WHO KNOWS. All I know is he has put up with me and trust me it was no easy road. But he is here. And he knew that no matter what those two would NEVER be together and also he is the type of man that if he had feelings for someone he wouldnt for the other and left me. You have to really decide what it is that you want I know you love him soooo much and its hard to imagine your life without him in it. BUT do you want to live your life in hell I had to think this same thing. Do you want to wake up everyday with hatred and to be unhappy or do you want to be happy if you want to be happy what is it that will make you happy what can he do to get you there think of stuff like that and think of what exactly it is that holding you down? is it the sex? the kiss? the foreplay? or the feelings? the lies? all of that?Can you see you spending the rest of your life with this man? Cause right now the ball is in your court and you are deciding your future happiness. The thing was hard for me is it happend and it wasnt in your control you didnt want it and you werent ready to leave. It was just crap. BUT now you need to decide. I really think that you are a good person. And its really hard I know this!!!

MsStacy

My vote is to give it to him. Maybe sit on it for a couple days until emotions run smoother again. If you still feel like it at that time, then give it to him.

This statement really struck me:
"I want and need someone willing to fight for me, I don't see you fighting I see you waiting for me to get past this."
Make sure you communicate this to him. Do not settle for anything less than him fighting to save your marriage. You didn't put this marriage in the gutter and you shouldn't be the only one working to dig it out.

Have the two of you gone to marriage counseling? It's very important right now that your husband really hear how you are feeling. He needs to hear and validate your feelings, not just sit around and wait for you to get over it. That is totally unacceptable! I think you need the help of an unbiased third party.

And as Marina mentioned, please go see your doctor. I went through a period where I truly could not eat and lost a bunch of weight I couldn't afford to lose. My doctor put me on that nutrient drink ENSURE. It can be expensive, but Costco has better prices. Please do what you can to get some nutrition in your body, even it it's just small amounts of the Ensure throughout the day. Your children need you so please consult your doctor.

Cooper

Hi MOMOFTWO,

You are in a very rough spot in your life, last year at this time I was in the same spot. A marriage takes work, BUT, it is not worth killing yourself trying to save a bad marriage. I wrote several of those letters as we were going thru the end of our marriage, I never gave her any of them. There were a couple of reasons, one was because of the kids, I know I need to deal with her for the rest of my life when it involves the kids. Another reason was it just wouldn't have much impact on her, if she cared about not hurting me she wouldn't have had affairs in the first place. You wrote the letter and my guess is you shed a lot of tears when you did, clensing the soul type of stuff. What result would you be after by giving him the letter? To make him feel your pain, won't happen, he has different wiring in his brain and his heart. To tell him things you havn't expressed yet? If you are trying to tell him things that have just been to painful for you to talk about then give him the letter. If you think giving him the letter is going to cause him pain or change the way things are I say don't bother. But keep writing the letters, it is good therapy.

Like you I didn't eat, slept poorly, poor focus, quick to anger, I was an emotional basket case. For me the right thing to do was divorce, I can not believe how content and relaxed I am now. You need to move foreward one way or another, treading water the way you have been is killing you. If he isn't giving you the answers you want after eight months I don't think he ever will.

Cooper

sunflower

You know whats hard is you grow up thinking love is like the movies and you always find that one true love. So when something like this happends it flips you inside out. And you feel so betrayed and that knobody loves you like you are supposed to be loved. But in reality you have a ton of people who love you. life is life and its beautiful, hard, crazy, amazing, harsh, NOT FAIR lol said that alot! you always wonder what did I ever do to deserve this? well its all life and lessons in life!

AZMOMOFTWO

Thank you for your advice and support. I haven't gone to see a doctor in awhile and probably should. I am taking your advice about the electrolytes at least I can stay hydrated. Also trying to at least eat something for breakfast.

I didn't give him the letter yet, and just finished writing another one. I keep thinking even if I ask him to leave, this doesn't just go away. Really not sure what to do...

I do think he's prepared to have it take as long as it takes but why not most of the time he doesn't have to deal with it. Every once in awhile I let him know I am at that low point and we talk it through. My problem with him is just that I think he should be doing more than that, he's just being passive. I'll deal with it when she brings it up, or she seems so sad that I have to say something but as long as I seem ok, there is nothing to be done.

Part of me agrees, why bring it up when I seem to be doing ok. Its not that I want him to, I just want him to do something special, out of the ordinary. I guess if it were me, I would do little things just out of the blue. A card for no reason for example, a date that he plans and surprises me with. I guess I feel he's taking me for granted.

Anyway thank you!

AZMOMOFTWO

Thank you! I am really trying to do this. I didn't end up giving him the letter. I wrote another but its more just therapeutic for me. Also the affair wasn't just a short quick physical thing. He lied to me for about 6 months, brought our families together me and my children stayed with her and her family in their cabin, he took her with us on our family vacations WHILE this was going on. She got a little twisted and got it in her head she could take my husband AND kids. When she figured out my daughter was going to protect mommy (she's 10, didn't know what was going on but felt like there was a need to protect me...she began writing me notes saying she didn't know who her dad was and how he had changed and how she hated this other woman...its one of the things prompting me to action). When she and I were out of town he took my 4 year old with him and the OW and my 4 year old told me. He told me my son was mistaken, and my son would not let it go....so its not just the affair, the total betrayal of me and my children...

I guess the question comes up for me SHOULD I remain with him? Are there some things that really are just too much? I do forgive him but still feel anger and resentment but I read that forgiveness comes in stages and its a myth to believe you can 100% forgive all at once. Its gradual.

So is that what I am feeling or maybe I am being too forgiving?

As far as the trust, well he has given me no reason to believe he is in anyway continuing the affair. Has offered to allow me to log on to his email and look at his iphone whenever I want, and he said there is a tracker he can put in his phone that I can log on and find out where he is. I don't want to live like that so I said no.

I think the biggest issues is that he has held back some important information. I do not know that for a fact, its gut instinct and the look on his face when I ask him and history, last time I said that and he said no he wasn't, I later found out he was holding back a lot. He did confess it himself but only with a lot of pressure.

A very strange thing happened with a friend the other night. Seven of us went out to happy hour. My H has decided for no particular reason to give up alcohol, so he was the DD. I had some drinks but not enough to be more than just tipsy. My other friends were pastered (I had to get up for work, they didn't). We were playing a game in the restaurant and one of my friends grabs me really tight and says "he really really loves you, anyone can see that. So don't be pissed off!".

Weird! I was having a good time, laughing and he and I were being affectionate with one another, I wasn't pissed off. Am I giving this off? When I told her hey I'm not pissed at him and I love him very much too she just let it go. There is NO possibility she knows about the affair. We have kept it that quiet. So I got to thinking I must somehow give off this vibe and I don't even know it..

AZMOMOFTWO

I think that is the biggest issues. I don't know what will make me happy. Asking him to leave. Probably not, because that doesn't mean the pain of his betrayal goes away, its still there. I can't get rid of that no matter what! I will likely wake up the rest of my life thinking about what he did whether he is in my life or not. I think that is the problem with a relationship that lasted so long. Its definately not the physical part, that part is great and in large part helps me get past the emotional stuff. That's the only time I don't think about this whole mess. He's also very affectionate, and every night falls asleep holding me, so its not that either. I think I just want him to do something out of the ordinary. Nothing even that huge just little things to show me he cares. Those things I think would distract me.

I absolutely hate all holidays and celebrations, in large part because of him. Every single holiday last year was ruined by him. Those memories are too vivid to forget right now. So much so that any holiday gives me a huge amount of stress, that I end up angry with him so I dread the holidays. No holiday is exempt. Mother's Day....well he insisted on camping at the lake and brought HER. They went off on the jet skis for 2 hours. He to this day insists that it broke down and nothing happened. But even that day I overheard his friend say something to him all but accusing him. (yes its true the ski had a starting problem so he could be telling the truth) and that night we got home and he accidentally let my kitten out and it was killed in my front yard by coyotes and I found his remains. Happy Mother's Day! Even Memorial Weekend, her family invited us all to their cabin. We spent that weekend with them. Fourth of July....oh this is a good one. We went to her friend's house swimming, he pretty much ignored me and was actually really angry all day. Then SHE put my son up to playing a joke and he overreacted screaming at my son and yelling at him, so I left. Without my car, my purse, water...it was 120 degrees. No one came looking for me...I could go on.

So I've made it clear to him that holidays are for the kids, we will make it nice for them but I want nothing to do with any holiday other than focus on them. In his shoes, I would probably have set up a very nice dinner, babysitting, and just did it "because" rather than for a holiday. But if I tell him that, then it means nothing. He needs to think of something all on his own. He's too passive for that though....

AZMOMOFTWO

This is exactly how I feel! Yes, I have communicated that to him. We have gone to counseling but probably stopped too soon. I mentioned this to him and his reply was "we both decided to stop"... not what I was expecting which could have been "I'd be more than happy to go back, maybe we need that. I'll do whatever it takes...".

I think he will do whatever it takes to a point as long as I push it. So its him going along with it. So if I bring up any of these things that I want him to do, he will because he feels it necessary. I guess I just want him to want to do something all on his own.

AZMOMOFTWO

Thank you for this prospective. After reading your post, I am not going to give those letters to him. Because I can't answer the question of what I want to get out of it. Actually its not for him to see the pain he caused, that I think he sees. So what's the point. After 8 months, he's told me a lot and I think some things he never will. In my heart I feel like this is not the first time. I think there was at least one other, it was probably a long time ago. A time when I felt a disconnection but it didn't last. Then I felt reconnected. I just thought something he was going through. I confronted him and he denies it very strongly. I also know that he believes if there was another affair I may not reconcile with him. So I do think that is his motivation. Given that, he will never tell me and you are right, I have to decide to accept it and let it go or not accept it and end our marriage.

I guess the question is, can you reestablish trust feeling like there was something more that he didn't disclose. My gut also tells me he is not cheating now, and stopped when he said he did last summer. I guess there is always that doubt but the signs were all there then, like I posted before. I was too trusting then and ignored the obvious. None of those signs are there now.

Trust is a leap of faith, its just hard to take that leap when you have been burned so badly.

I am so glad you found that peace, its what I am searching for!

AZMOMOFTWO

Very good points! In fact I would think love doesn't exist like it does in the movies and fairy tales, only it does. I know because I gave him that love. I love him unconditionally and at his worst and never in a million years would have cheated. I have had the opportunity and not even been tempted. So I know it exists~

Cooper

After reading your post above and getting a little more info I want to add something. Any parent who would take their child along to the affair or to hang out with the other cheater should have the **** slapped out of them until brown turns to red! ABSOLUTLY UNBELIVABLE !! UNFORGIVABLE !! That man is very lucky you are no relation on mine.

Cooper

AZMOMOFTWO

The problem is I agree with you... geez maybe I am a complete fool for letting him back in. I just wonder if what he did was unforgivable and that's why I am having so much trouble?

I allowed her in my home, to watch my children unattended. I did not know what he was doing with her. I trusted her and I trusted him. He knew. While away on a trip, I took my daughter to, he took her and my son to the waterpark. Sensing things were not right and at best, having her around was just hurting me I asked him to stay away from her while I was away. He promised. I also said "I have a right to say who can and cannot be around my children. She cannot." but he did it anyway. Then when I asked who went to the waterpark he said just our son and him. My 4 year old later mentioned something about her going. I asked my husband and he said our son was mistaken! I do remember this well and have told him while he is a good father, he was not being a good father in this situation. I'm sure there were other such incidents. Just because he's 4 didn't mean my son doesn't feel something is wrong.

Also last memorial weekend, her family invited my family to stay in their cabin. How anyone can agree, and he did, is awful. When her family found out, the OW's SIL said she thought they were both awful people for doing that. I couldn't agree more....

I think the reason why he doesn't tell me anymore is not that there is no more to tell, but how much can a person take when they just say you know that is unforgivable. Still wondering....

Problem is, all of that is done and cannot be changed. So I guess the ball is in my court to decide if this can be rebuilt or not. While things are going very well right now....I'm not really sure they are because I'm here pouring these things out to all of you. Yes, we have fun together, we laugh, go places, communicate, parent together, and all is well now but what happened doesn't go away, it still happened.