I want to win my husband back. Although it does sound like he was a back up that is not true. What I did with the OM was totally heat of the moment from being infatuated with him. I didn't think about the consequences of my action at that point in time. I am trying to make up for that so I came here for advice. Posted via Mobile Device
CBS, what if your husband were to act on his infatuation and come home to you saying that it was the heat of the moment and that he was thinking with the head between his legs?
The best advice I can give you is to go with what your husband decides, you messed up and giving him the gift of deciding the course of your relationship is the best thing you could do for him.
Wait, why don't we look at your situation this way. Maybe your husband isn't "In Love" aka lusting for you either, maybe he's bored with you, maybe he wants to sample some other tidbits on the side, it isn't a biggie right?? Since he probably doesn't have feelings for the other women. He's just going to go out there and bang them and come back to you, sounds like a deal to me. He'll just say that he didn't want a relationship with those other women, he just wanted to sate his lust.
Why don't you put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself "Would I want to be married to me??"
Am I forever a bad person now that I've cheated? From reading some of the discussion on this website, there are many harsh but seemly true things said about cheaters. I feel awful to have cheated on my loving husband and have done everything possible to "make it right" (confessed the truth, NC with OM, be completely transparent, seeking IC) but part of me still fear that no matter what I do, I will always be labelled as a bad person after what I've done. If my husband choose divorce, the way I would continue to "make it right" is to tell the next person I get romantically serious with that I did cheat before. Is this enough? What else can I do? After having cheated, I feel that my life is over, not sure if I will ever find love again or see myself growing old with someone. I just feel pretty depressed right now, I guess.
Whether your are a cheater, been cheated on, or somehow involved with infidelity, I appreciate your comment, thanks.
Thats a tough question, I guess if it was just dating, I would keep it on the down low, but as the relationship got serious and the SO asked for a commited relationship I would inform him.
Then explain your path to learning the tools to change those unhealthy behaviors. So if your dating, folks don't need to hear that personal side until the relationship gets serious.
Who knows, he may admit to the same thing.
See its things like this that start out a healthy foundation. I think it would show the new SO some real honesty....versue the SO finding out on the wedding day that he's about to marry a recovering adultor.
The thing is years down the road the SO will find out from some friend of a friend or a loud mouth relitive.
that trust will be forever suspect. people, myself included, need to feel they can trust you. something such as infidelity really hampers people putting their trust in you. this is something you have to re-gain through hard work.
The key is to learn from your A. You might always label yourself a cheater but you have the choice t o be a good person and be remembered as a good person.
Work on you and focus your attention on your H. Posted via Mobile Device
Just my opinion.
The very fact you are asking yourself this questions prove you are not a bad person. What people might tell about you is not something you can control. It may bother you specially if the labeler is someone close to you but what really should matter is what you think about yourself. You are not deluded. You confessed, you asume the responsability, you reject what you did, you are taking it seriosly, you are taking steps to improve yourself. That's a HUGE diffeerence. Your actions say you are not letting your poor past choices define who you are from now on. You are your own master. You are writing more pages in your record, putting distance between the woman who cheated and you.
Two days ago you said you wanted to win your husband back. Now your postulating about your next serious romantic relationship.
Doesn't sound very positive to me
This is a very good point. CBS, if you are absolutely sure that you want to R, because you want your husband AND NOBODY ELSE, then you need to go "all in". Make sure your husband knows in no uncertain terms that You LOVE, DESIRE and NEED him and ONLY him, and that you will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make it happen and will wait for him , NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES, EVEN YEARS. That he is all you want, now, 6 months from now, 20 years from now. Total commitment and total devotion and total respect are the ONLY ways to true R, anything less is wasting both of your times. Go big or go home.
Am I forever a bad person now that I've cheated? From reading some of the discussion on this website, there are many harsh but seemly true things said about cheaters. I feel awful to have cheated on my loving husband and have done everything possible to "make it right" (confessed the truth, NC with OM, be completely transparent, seeking IC) but part of me still fear that no matter what I do, I will always be labelled as a bad person after what I've done. If my husband choose divorce, the way I would continue to "make it right" is to tell the next person I get romantically serious with that I did cheat before. Is this enough? What else can I do? After having cheated, I feel that my life is over, not sure if I will ever find love again or see myself growing old with someone. I just feel pretty depressed right now, I guess.
Whether your are a cheater, been cheated on, or somehow involved with infidelity, I appreciate your comment, thanks.
The answer to your question is a resounding no.
But you must learn from you mistake and retrace your steps so that you can see exactly why you are in this position.
NEVER justify your mistake,it was your choice...Instead, learn from it.
Get that dirt off your shoulder and let this experience help you to grow.
Seek inner peace and self realization.
Am I forever a bad person now that I've cheated? From reading some of the discussion on this website, there are many harsh but seemly true things said about cheaters. I feel awful to have cheated on my loving husband and have done everything possible to "make it right" (confessed the truth, NC with OM, be completely transparent, seeking IC) but part of me still fear that no matter what I do, I will always be labelled as a bad person after what I've done. If my husband choose divorce, the way I would continue to "make it right" is to tell the next person I get romantically serious with that I did cheat before. Is this enough? What else can I do? After having cheated, I feel that my life is over, not sure if I will ever find love again or see myself growing old with someone. I just feel pretty depressed right now, I guess.
Whether your are a cheater, been cheated on, or somehow involved with infidelity, I appreciate your comment, thanks.
When you come onto a site like TAM and you say that you are a cheater. Yeah, you're going to get some bashing coming your way. Because a lot of us have been hurt by the same actions that you've committed against your husband.
Sometimes when cheaters come on here and they say that they cheated because of "this, that and the other"...well, the bashing will increase because we've been here long enough to know a lot of the stupid excuses cheaters use and posters will call you on it. We are well versed.
BUT, there is also an amazing thing that happens here. When a cheater comes on here and they are TRUELY remorseful and say, "Look, I screwed up. I hurt my family and I hurt the one person that meant the world to me. I have no excuses. I need help."
People will say, " YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SCREWED UP!!!.....Okay, if you want a chance to fix this, this is how you do it." Of course you'll still get the occasional poster that will bash. But, you'll learn to filter those out and focus on the ones that are trying to help.
SO, here's my advice for the day. He wants some alone time. Let him have it. He's working through a lot a crap that he's never had to deal with before at this level. Be supportive and constantly (but gently) remind him of what he means to you....i.e. if you pack him a lunch for work. Drop a little note in there for him. Small stuff like that, nothing over the top.
Right now, he doesn't believe a damn word you say to him. There is absolutely no trust for you now. So, why should he believe anything you say?
SO!! actions speaks louder than words right now. Buy books like, "Surviving the Affair" READ THEM!!! Do not point them out to him. "Look what I'm reading honey!" Believe me, he'll know without you pointing it out. Make yourself an appointment for IC to figure out why you did what you did. The only thing you need to tell him is when where how and why. Constantly tell him where you're going and with who and how long you're going to be gone.
No. The day after D-day I have established no contact with the OM. My husband has full access to my phone, computer, email accounts, etc. He even reads my posts here. I have made myself fully transparent to my H. Posted via Mobile Device
Just had my 1st IC session, ever. Not sure what to expect from it. Should I continue if I feel the therapist didn't do much? She seemed really neutral to everything I said. Need advice on how to evaluate the effectiveness of a counseling session and the counselor. Thanks. Posted via Mobile Device
I felt the same for a few sessions, then she had me nailed completely and told me how it is. It was frustrating at first but well worth it. I guess it takes time to get a good handle on where a person is coming from.
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Re: I cheated, told my husband, now what? 
