My first post was a couple of weeks ago: 6 weeks after finding out really struggling(long)
Since then I found a few more things out (not much, more detail than anything and the morning after she lied about it, admitted that the affair only ended because I turned up at the OM's house.)
So now I feel nothing towards her. Her attitude has changed although she insists it hasn't.
After 6 weeks of intense sex the thought of what she did with the OM have overtaken me and now I don't want to touch her.
I am seeing a lawyer on Tuesday and intend to begin the divorce process at that point.
This has gone down rather badly with my wife (WS?) but I have pointed out that I asked for 3 things several times:
- medical records (still not got them)
- stopping of the lies (last one I know about was Tuesday)
- sorting out her family (not begun)
none of them done or attempted.
I want this to work, despite the fact that she seems to be a lost cause.
Is it common to go from wanting it to work to feeling revulsion?
I am incredibly angry; moreso than a week ago.
The consensus in the last thread was that I should move on. I am conflicted and still not sure, but trusting my mind rather than my feelings and commencing proceedings against her in any case.
She had a lover for 2 + years.
She isn`t giving you what you need to fix it.
She`s using sex as a manipulation ploy (And you were allowing it).
You`re done man.
File the papers, she`s not been your wife for years anyway.
Take into consideration the advice above is posted by someone who wouldn`t hesitate to file over a one night stand.
For a two year affair, I could be on death row.
"Wind it forward to March 11th. We lay in bed and my wife said she "has something to tell me": "I have been in love with another man for 2 and a half years" she said. "
She was also crushing on this guy for 5 years prior to her affair.
That means 7 and a half years out of your 22 years -- she really hasn't been with you or your kids.
She's stringing you along because she doesn't want to lose her cozy life.
Quit having sex with her and file for divorce. It sounds like you are detaching from her anyways. And yes, do the 180. The link to it is below my post here.
My wife was involved in multiple affairs over a 6 year period before knowing the truth. During the first couple of months after DD, I was in basically in shock. She was very remorseful for actions and begged me for 1 chance a R. This was after 30 years of marriage. I wanted so much to have my wife back, but the truth of her betrayal was always in my mind. The hysterical bonding (intimate sex) was intense, but the feeling that shadowed me of who she had become were always one step in front. At around 3 months, I hit the wall. I know what you are feeling, it is a journey that vacillates from total desire to repulsion in a matter of seconds. I was open with my wife about this. In the end... it was just as much her attitude and decision as my own.
My wife was involved in multiple affairs over a 6 year period before knowing the truth. During the first couple of months after DD, I was in basically in shock. She was very remorseful for actions and begged me for 1 chance a R. This was after 30 years of marriage. I wanted so much to have my wife back, but the truth of her betrayal was always in my mind. The hysterical bonding (intimate sex) was intense, but the feeling that shadowed me of who she had become were always one step in front. At around 3 months, I hit the wall. I know what you are feeling, it is a journey that vacillates from total desire to repulsion in a matter of seconds. I was open with my wife about this. In the end... it was just as much her attitude and decision as my own.
Thanks for telling me that, it has helped me a lot. Posted via Mobile Device
I want this to work, despite the fact that she seems to be a lost cause.
Is it common to go from wanting it to work to feeling revulsion?
I am incredibly angry; moreso than a week ago.
The consensus in the last thread was that I should move on.
Chris989
Quote:
Originally Posted by RWB
Chris,
My wife was involved in multiple affairs over a 6 year period before knowing the truth. ..... I wanted so much to have my wife back, but the truth of her betrayal was always in my mind. The hysterical bonding (intimate sex) was intense, but the feeling that shadowed me of who she had become were always one step in front. At around 3 months, I hit the wall. I know what you are feeling, it is a journey that vacillates from total desire to repulsion in a matter of seconds.
Yep right there now, underneath I still love my wife and 'want' her back by my side, us having a wonderful life (when her head is not in the darkness) which most of the time is great BUT now even though I feel that need, that want, that desire I have hit this "wall" too - which is of complete revulsion and the thought of actually touching her in a 'loving' way just makes me start to spit.
In her company if the kids are about, I am at inner raging point in about 20 seconds while she is looking at me with 'you should be moving on by now' eyes .......hmmm
In respect of 'moving on' I feel you should just leave it. Hopefully we will all move on at some point but circumstances and being different characters will facilitate that I hope
I certainly don't want to feel like this forever.
I think I can feel "hope" towards my inner self healing but I can't hand on heart now see that extending to getting back with her.
I'm a very level headed emotionally rock solid person by nature but it's almost like a schizophrenia within me! One moment I'm feeling how could we be back together after the last appalling episodes and how would we facilitate that and then I'm telling myself to get a fking grip on myself and have some self respect and dignity which could never allow such a scenario again
I conclude that 'love' and its many manifestations resides almost like a disease under the skin and eventually fades into indifference if it is not fed by the other party. Hope so
Trouble is its the very same emotion that makes us all feel the highest of the high when it's working with both giving it their all.
I am seeing a lawyer on Tuesday and intend to begin the divorce process at that point.
This has gone down rather badly with my wife (WS?) but I have pointed out that I asked for 3 things several times:
- medical records (still not got them)
- stopping of the lies (last one I know about was Tuesday)
- sorting out her family (not begun)
none of them done or attempted.
I want this to work, despite the fact that she seems to be a lost cause.
Is it common to go from wanting it to work to feeling revulsion?
I am incredibly angry; moreso than a week ago.
The consensus in the last thread was that I should move on. I am conflicted and still not sure, but trusting my mind rather than my feelings and commencing proceedings against her in any case.
Any comments/advice would be most appreciated.
Regards
Chris989
Posted via Mobile Device
An observation from what you are writing, it reads like you told your wife your filing for D. Stop prewarning your wife, your advantage is remaining silent and not sharing your plan with her.
You set your boundaries and requirements and your wife has chosen to ignore them . To ensure there is no doubt write those requirements down as you have above including the actions to date, give her a copy and stick the second on her mirror so she cannot deny she knows.
Avoid any conversations about marriage and future R unless she has evidences her total commitment to you. It looks like the OM is still free and safe as you have not told his GF, what is this? For goodness sake stop making deals with a man who predated on your marriage , get hold of his GF and spill the beans.
She isn't in any doubt about what is needed from her and if I write it down she will go on and on about me harassing her and it making her feel bad. I'm going to do it anyway as she clearly doesn't realise she has no more chances.
This has gone down rather badly with my wife (WS?) but I have pointed out that I asked for 3 things several times:
- medical records (still not got them)
- stopping of the lies (last one I know about was Tuesday)
- sorting out her family (not begun)
none of them done or attempted.
If you back up from this you do know she will bang everyone she wants to right? Oh, and that medical records thing is troublesome. If you haven't you should check yourself for STDs and stop having sex with that woman. You haven't got a clue on what she may have caught.
Quote:
Is it common to go from wanting it to work to feeling revulsion?
I think not, usually people tell me that in reverse order. And you feeling revulsion for her right now just means your gonads have returned home.
If "sorting out her family" is letting them know of the affair then its about time you told them yourself. Posted via Mobile Device
Her family have known for over 2 years. That is one of the things she lied about and one of the things that hurt the most.
The situation is complicated; it involves where we live, property, theft, abuse of trust, broken promises. Her family are really a picture postcard. One of the big issues is that she lets them get away with anything and will not back me up if I challenge them.
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2 months in feel nothing - is there hope? 
