US and UK marriage/emotional cheating

ajeanne · 04-17-2009, 09:11 AM

Hello. I have been reading through a lot of these posts and I'm new to this site and feel everyone's pain right now. I married a UK citizen who is 17 years older than me. His children are grown and mine are only 8 and 10. He accepted all of this coming in the relationship and as soon as he retired last year, he sold his home, quit his job and left all of his family and friends to live in the USA with me. We married last May and had moved into a new house that he bought for me.

Problems arose with the adjustment period as he missed his family and friends. I totally understood that because I could see he was not happy and it showed. He lost weight, had no interest in leaving the house and was spending a lot of time on the computer. And when I got home, I had to be attached at the hip with him and expected me to hold his hand. I just don't have the energy with two kids and a full time job to be giving him the attention that he so desired. He is a very cynical man and really doesn't like the USA but was happy to be here with me - so I thought. He said some horrible things about the USA and didn't like the fact that I wanted to do a lot of things around the house and like to shoot trap (which is not a woman's thing to do), fishing, etc.

What I am confused about is that he says he still wants to be here with me. I don't get it. We have been seeing a counselor since September and have found that he expects me to be his happiness - his whole world. I can't have a bad day - I have to be happy so he can be happy.

Well, back in October of last year, he left his emails open and I saw an email to his ex sister-in-law who he admitted he wanted to have a relationship with after his divorce. She said no but was happy to keep him in the UK because he took her out on about 3 dates a week. Some of the content in his emails to her made me sound like a complete horror to live with and she tried to convince him to go back to the UK. She tried to get him to stay in the UK before he even came here. He agrees that she broke up his last relationship that he had in the UK. The counselor has told him that we can't have other women in our lives - he actually has three of them - his ex sister-in-law, his ex-wife and an ex colleage. I can't forget some of the things he has said about me and how much he hates it here - all the while telling me that he loves it and loves me.

As soon as he received his conditional citizenship papers and was free to "move about the country", we planned a trip back to the UK for a wedding reception for his nephew. Well, I wasn't received very well by the sister-in-law and was really treated like crap by her. Well, when we arrived back home, my husband initiated an email to her that I felt she gave me the cold shoulder. WHAT? He said that HE felt he got the cold shoulder and he threw me under the bus. She replied back that I have a mental problem and she is not my friend, etc etc. She said that she was disappointed that she didn't get to spend time alone with him and that I was constantly at his side. He then replied to her and agreed with everything she said. I am really let down in his actions with her.

So, we're at the point where the counselor tells him that he has to write an email to cut off his communication with them to give our marriage a chance. This was last Friday. He had an appointment with the counselor on Thursday, stopped by to tell her that she took my side and he went back to the house and packed up all of his belongings and bought a one way ticket to see his son in Canada. Gone....

He has emailed me a couple of times saying that he was going to call and then didn't because he was out drinking with the son or was busy walking on the beach. Priorities?

I am so upset about what he has done. My girls have not asked about him or even miss him for that matter. And you know what? I don't miss being under his microscope and having to be his everything anymore. A huge weight has been lifted and I don't know if I want him to come back. I have asked him to not contact me as I need this space, but I'm worried that the more time I give it, the less chances of us getting back together...

I am sorry to make this such a long post, but I am hoping to find the answers that I need. I do know that I have to find out what "I" want and what makes "me" happy. I am working on that. Right now, I try to focus on my work and my daughters. Any ideas?

Amplexor · 04-17-2009, 02:43 PM

I think you are proceeding down the correct path. Giving both of you space to determine what you want. From the sounds of this he has been untruthful from the start. How long have you been together and what kind of courtship did you have? Long distance?

ajeanne · 04-17-2009, 03:36 PM

Very long distance - about 4000 miles to be exact. We saw each other the first year about once every 6 weeks or so as we went through the visa process. He came to live with me March of 08 and we got married in May. We actually started marriage counseling within 4 months of the marriage. When he arrived and found that "life" happens and we get busy with things, he was missing his every 6 week visits when I put everything on hold to just be with him. THAT is the part that is missing for him and I can't be that way every day. He said that is what he wants. He's retired and 62 and I am still working and raising children at 45. What did he expect? I know I don't want to go back to the way things were. He doesn't believe that he did anything wrong with the other women and thinks that I am over-reacting. He also said that he had those other women because I didn't love him enough. I don't think I want him back. My daughters have not asked once about him and they know he's left. They don't miss him either. The house is much calmer and so am I.

Amplexor · 04-17-2009, 03:46 PM

Well if you are ready to move on and call this one of life’s lessons then do so. It sound as if you really didn’t know each other at the time you got married and what he expects from the marriage is not very realistic. He is totally out of line in blaming you not loving him enough for his relationships with these other women. I hope you will move past him quickly and find some one more committed to you, your needs and the needs of your kids. Good luck.

ajeanne · 04-17-2009, 03:49 PM

The relationships that he is having now with these women, he had in the UK while he was dating me. The ex sister-in-law would go out with him about three times a week and have evenings to listen to music together, etc. He said that it was never romantic and I thought he said he had learned a lot from her. Then, his ex-wife (who left him for another man 5 years ago) is suddenly his best friend. He admits that he hasn't gotten over her and didn't grieve that relationship. Then the third - the co-worker, is only 32 years old. They took lots of walks during their lunch breaks and she would bake things for him. He gave her his car when he left and after he got here, offered to purchase her ticket to bring her here for a visit. Then, when she broke up with her boyfriend, my husband told her that if he was younger, he would be with her. I confronted him about it and he said that he only said that to boost her morale. WTF? What about my morale? Now that he is away, I have been continuing to check his emails and he is clearly hiding his conversations that he is STILL having with them. I'm very tacked off.