I think I already know what you guys are going to tell me after lurking here for the past week or so..but maybe I'll be surprised. And to get any other awkwardness out of the way - we're both women. Feel free to go straight for the tl;dr at the bottom if you don't want to read this mess.
My short-ish story: Together for 15 years - ages 16 and 18 when we got together. Married since '08. We're both in pretty typical mid-career high-ish stress jobs where we're both proving ourselves, etc. We don't have kids and like to travel, so we've been enjoying the DINK (dual-income, no kids) lifestyle for quite a while. This past year got really insane for both of us with big work projects, and while we kept acknowledging we weren't spending enough time together - neither of us did anything about it.
So, 2 1/2 weeks ago while on vacation, I reveal to my WW that I'm feeling neglected and really want to start focusing on us. She reveals she wants "personal time" to "work on herself" - away from me entirely. This started out with the whole "we've been together so long I'm not sure who I am" type conversation. Over the course of the next hour or so, I manage to drag out that it's not personal time she wants - she's formed an EA with her boss and they've talked about making it a PA. Apparently there was a plan with goals, but my wife never went through with it because she felt too guilty. According to her, there was never more than hand-on-forearm or shoulder touching. This went on for about 1 month with dinner, txts, emails prior to me finding out. She's been friends with her for about 9 months, so these feelings are new-ish.
I gave the choice - me or her. At first she chose the OW until I matter of fact-ly laid out the things we'd need to decide over the next few days - what assets we're dividing, selling the house, etc. I packed a bag in front of her to leave, and at that point she broke down. We spent a few hours apart, and when we came back together she told me she wanted to work on things with me. She realizes the EA is a fantasy and loves me - isn't sure if she's in love with me - but we've grown apart and she has these feelings...blahblahblah. All the normal stuff you hear from a WW about that.
So, I guess we're trying to work on things. The past few weeks we have had a lot of heartfelt talks as we've become overwhelmed with emotions - but we're trying to avoid getting too serious about discussions until we're able to meet with a marriage counselor, which should happen tomorrow. We're both at the conclusion that we love each other, but neither of us is in love with the other at the moment. I'm feeling too much neglect and pain and she's confused in her stupid affair fog.
We've also spent the past 2 weeks or so doing new activities together - and when not overwhelmed with emotions or having those stupid talks - we're really getting along quite well and I'm remembering why I was in love with her before. I'm seeing some signs that person I want to be with is still there. This scares the bejeesus out of me, because I don't want to fall back in love with someone who just betrayed and hurt me so much. I want to hold myself aloof - hell I want to hold myself back and get myself to the point where I don't love her and I can just tell her to go, because I don't want to hurt. Then I think about not being with her and want to fall apart into a pile of tears...which only pisses me off more because I hate crying and feeling that way.
Also in the interest of full disclosure - I have had a few people over the years that I have started to form EA's with. When I recognized I was forming inappropriate feelings for those people - I always chose to stop spending time and effort there, and refocused myself back on my wife. I do understand and somewhat empathize with it happening - but she crossed the line once she told the other girl she wanted to kiss her, and they had multiple talks about having an affair.
My WW has been dealing with a social anxiety disorder for a lot of her life, and she does not have a lot of friends. I am a social butterfly for the most part, and have lots of friends. The girl she formed an EA with is probably the first person - other than me - that she's been able to connect with and have a friendship with in many years.
While she's done the NC letter and is supposedly keeping things to 'just business' with the OW..I don't see how she's going to be able to get over this having to interact with her all the time. We're going to a marriage counselor tomorrow, and I'm definitely bringing a list of questions to them as far as how we should be behaving, and how my WW can start showing me that she's worthy of trusting again.
I hate that I want to snoop on her - but I also do not want to go there or do that. I feel like it will only grow my paranoia and suspicion, and if I start snooping I think we're done. To occupy myself, I've signed up for some activities I've wanted to do for a long time but either didn't prioritize or was too chicken to do. I'm doing these on my own without my WW. I've encouraged her to join some groups on her own and to get to her yoga classes more, so we aren't together 24/7.
I've made it clear to her that in our marriage its either just us or we're through. I also told her that I really do think we've had a great relationship over the past 15 years, and I don't want to think badly of it. I do just want her to be happy, so if that means she needs to leave me to be with someone else - please do that. I don't want to be anyone's second choice..and while I do love her insanely..there are other people out there who will love me and treat me like I want to be treated...so let me go if that can't be you.
tl;dr: Wife had EA, supposedly gone NC and wants to work on it - I am devastated but willing to try - just not sure if she'll be able to get over this EA. We see a marriage counselor tomorrow.
MC will help nothing if both partners are not committed. I sounds like the "fog" is still thick with her. Her initial choice of OW is very telling about how she feels deep down about you and OW. Emotionally, you are her second choice. She was just too scared of change to leave you.
As long as she is still seeing the OW at work nothing is going to change for you and MC is a waste of time and money.
Do not feel guilty about snooping. That may be the only way you find out what is true and what is not and YOU need the truth in order to make the tough decision you are facing.
As TDSC60 said, you're only throwing money away by going to marriage counseling while she's still working with her affair partner.
Is your relationship doomed? Not necessarily, but it depends largely on your wife. If she doesn't want to reconcile, then there's fvck-all you can do.
The first step in reconcile is severing all contact (ALL CONTACT) with the affair partner. This means she must quit her job. It's not open for discussion - if she still sees her affair partner, your wife's feelings will keep getting conflicted.
And you really should consider verifying (verifying, not snooping). You trust in her has been shattered. You cannot take what she says at face value anymore. But if you're willing to try and re-establish that trust with her, you will need to verify that she is in fact telling you the truth, and is no longer in contact with OW or any enabling friends. A voice-activated recorder in her car, a keylogger on her laptop/computer. If she has an iPhone, sync it to iTunes to see potential deleted messages.
All of this is moot, however, if she doesn't want to stay married to you, or if she still works with her affair partner.
No relationship will survive if affair partners work together. It is down to simple choices, keep the job and lose the marriage , leave the job and work on the marriage .
The no contact has to include not seeing each other , socialising in the same circles as the OW or even going to the same place to eat or drink coffee. All items that trigger a reminder of the OW must be removed and avoided . Posted via Mobile Device
As long as she still works there, there's no way to make any progress. MC will be a waste of time. A decision to stay in the job is a decision to continue the EA, no question about it. What you're doing is letting her off the hook with no consequences. You're rug sweeping.
1. She can't work with the EA partner after its gone this far. Especially since its her boss. She needs to leave the job ASAP. This may seem harsh, but she was planning on dumping you for this person.
2. Watch for it going under ground. Just like you had the drama at home where she gave in, she will have the same drama at work with her, and she might give in there too. She was making and discussing PA plans with this person so it may have already gone PA., Posted via Mobile Device
Read the threads on the forum. You will see there is zero chance of success as long as affair partners have contact via work. Zero. Every other effort, all other progress, is for nothing as long as they get their "hit"; the infatuation and attachment only deepens. Posted via Mobile Device
Freckleface, welcome to the site that we really wish you hadn't had to come to, but we are glad you found it.
Infidelity is still infidelity no matter who it happens to.
You'll get a wide range of advice, most of it from people who have been cheated on and some who have cheated, too. Sometimes that's the same person, oddly enough.
Your wife needs to be committed to you or her OW.
It sounds very much as if the OW has been grooming her. You need to expose her to HR, in my opinion.
My best wishes to you. I hope you can resolve your issues and be the loving, caring couple that you should be.
No relationship will survive if affair partners work together. It is down to simple choices, keep the job and lose the marriage , leave the job and work on the marriage .
The no contact has to include not seeing each other , socialising in the same circles as the OW or even going to the same place to eat or drink coffee. All items that trigger a reminder of the OW must be removed and avoided . Posted via Mobile Device
i would give it a little time and work on things together .. once she gets out of the fog she may come around but like others said untilshe decides she wants to stay with you your wastng money with a shrink
FreckleF,
This post is absolutely - stunningly - beautiful. Your parents did an astonishing job with you.
YOU are going to end up happy and loved. And that may be with your current W. Or not. Truly that will be for her to decide, provided she doesn't continue to violate your boundaries.
I firmly believe that the way someone reacts to intense duress, reflects their core emotional stability and strength.
In this situation, there is only one fair option for your partner to take. She needs to change her work situation such that she has minimal or no contact with her current boss.
I am not suggesting she has to do anything rash. She does not need to quit before she finds another position. Nor should she necessarily have to leave the company - provided she can get far enough away from her current boss - to allow her feelings to naturally fade.
But this needs to be her highest priority. She cannot truly give the marriage a fighting chance otherwise, and that is not fair to you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by freckleface
I think I already know what you guys are going to tell me after lurking here for the past week or so..but maybe I'll be surprised. And to get any other awkwardness out of the way - we're both women. Feel free to go straight for the tl;dr at the bottom if you don't want to read this mess.
My short-ish story: Together for 15 years - ages 16 and 18 when we got together. Married since '08. We're both in pretty typical mid-career high-ish stress jobs where we're both proving ourselves, etc. We don't have kids and like to travel, so we've been enjoying the DINK (dual-income, no kids) lifestyle for quite a while. This past year got really insane for both of us with big work projects, and while we kept acknowledging we weren't spending enough time together - neither of us did anything about it.
So, 2 1/2 weeks ago while on vacation, I reveal to my WW that I'm feeling neglected and really want to start focusing on us. She reveals she wants "personal time" to "work on herself" - away from me entirely. This started out with the whole "we've been together so long I'm not sure who I am" type conversation. Over the course of the next hour or so, I manage to drag out that it's not personal time she wants - she's formed an EA with her boss and they've talked about making it a PA. Apparently there was a plan with goals, but my wife never went through with it because she felt too guilty. According to her, there was never more than hand-on-forearm or shoulder touching. This went on for about 1 month with dinner, txts, emails prior to me finding out. She's been friends with her for about 9 months, so these feelings are new-ish.
I gave the choice - me or her. At first she chose the OW until I matter of fact-ly laid out the things we'd need to decide over the next few days - what assets we're dividing, selling the house, etc. I packed a bag in front of her to leave, and at that point she broke down. We spent a few hours apart, and when we came back together she told me she wanted to work on things with me. She realizes the EA is a fantasy and loves me - isn't sure if she's in love with me - but we've grown apart and she has these feelings...blahblahblah. All the normal stuff you hear from a WW about that.
So, I guess we're trying to work on things. The past few weeks we have had a lot of heartfelt talks as we've become overwhelmed with emotions - but we're trying to avoid getting too serious about discussions until we're able to meet with a marriage counselor, which should happen tomorrow. We're both at the conclusion that we love each other, but neither of us is in love with the other at the moment. I'm feeling too much neglect and pain and she's confused in her stupid affair fog.
We've also spent the past 2 weeks or so doing new activities together - and when not overwhelmed with emotions or having those stupid talks - we're really getting along quite well and I'm remembering why I was in love with her before. I'm seeing some signs that person I want to be with is still there. This scares the bejeesus out of me, because I don't want to fall back in love with someone who just betrayed and hurt me so much. I want to hold myself aloof - hell I want to hold myself back and get myself to the point where I don't love her and I can just tell her to go, because I don't want to hurt. Then I think about not being with her and want to fall apart into a pile of tears...which only pisses me off more because I hate crying and feeling that way.
Also in the interest of full disclosure - I have had a few people over the years that I have started to form EA's with. When I recognized I was forming inappropriate feelings for those people - I always chose to stop spending time and effort there, and refocused myself back on my wife. I do understand and somewhat empathize with it happening - but she crossed the line once she told the other girl she wanted to kiss her, and they had multiple talks about having an affair.
My WW has been dealing with a social anxiety disorder for a lot of her life, and she does not have a lot of friends. I am a social butterfly for the most part, and have lots of friends. The girl she formed an EA with is probably the first person - other than me - that she's been able to connect with and have a friendship with in many years.
While she's done the NC letter and is supposedly keeping things to 'just business' with the OW..I don't see how she's going to be able to get over this having to interact with her all the time. We're going to a marriage counselor tomorrow, and I'm definitely bringing a list of questions to them as far as how we should be behaving, and how my WW can start showing me that she's worthy of trusting again.
I hate that I want to snoop on her - but I also do not want to go there or do that. I feel like it will only grow my paranoia and suspicion, and if I start snooping I think we're done. To occupy myself, I've signed up for some activities I've wanted to do for a long time but either didn't prioritize or was too chicken to do. I'm doing these on my own without my WW. I've encouraged her to join some groups on her own and to get to her yoga classes more, so we aren't together 24/7.
I've made it clear to her that in our marriage its either just us or we're through. I also told her that I really do think we've had a great relationship over the past 15 years, and I don't want to think badly of it. I do just want her to be happy, so if that means she needs to leave me to be with someone else - please do that. I don't want to be anyone's second choice..and while I do love her insanely..there are other people out there who will love me and treat me like I want to be treated...so let me go if that can't be you.
tl;dr: Wife had EA, supposedly gone NC and wants to work on it - I am devastated but willing to try - just not sure if she'll be able to get over this EA. We see a marriage counselor tomorrow.
Thank you for the responses, folks. As I said in the original post, I pretty much knew what most of you would say because I have been reading your stories.
While my wife does work with her boss - her boss travels around 50% of the time, and my WW deals with her mostly via email at this point. In the office she actually changed her seat so that she does not sit near her and does not see her except in meetings with others.
I understand the NC, and I understand that we probably have less of a chance without it - but I wonder if that's how its supposed to be for us. I don't see with her social disorders being able to take away the one group of people she knows and sees consistently in her other coworkers. She's worked there much longer than the OW - almost a decade.
I *think* that if I told her she had to quit she'd leave me, which is pretty telling of how I feel about this stuff.
I have been becoming more comfortable with that thought, though. I know I will survive, and I know that I will eventually find someone else...that doesn't mean I don't wish what we had could come back.
The WW is doing everything she's been asked to by me so far. I didn't ask her to move at work but she did that on her own. She's been home every day and clinging to me like glue. I've been pushing her away a fair amount, which probably isn't helpful.
Even if it winds up being a waste of money, I feel I need to go to at least one MC session to see what they say. Fortunately it's just a $10 copay, so whatever.
I just don't want to become bitter over what has, for the most part, been a pretty awesome 15 years. I've had such a great life, and I really hate it got shattered this way. And i'm f'n sick of crying all the time at the drop of a hat.
Thank you guys so much..i hate that I found this place but I'm glad you're here.
173Likes
wife has EA with her boss...bleh 
