Blue, please listen to the great people on TAM. Time and time again advice given here has been spot on, including with my situation.
My STBX acted very similar to how he did with OW (emotionally). I don't think he realized all the subtle signals he gave off. Sounds like your H is giving off similar signals to you.
Stay strong and stand up for yourself.
I know your are strong. You are raising your kids alone with him 800 miles away. I know your are smart too. Smart enough to not ignore that gut feeling you have.
Cheaters have very repetitive habits. And you know your husbands habits and when something is "off". Trust that and you will see the truth.
Re: Anniversary after reconsilation should be Speacial and very important
Even mt mother in law is thinking something is wrong. She knows he lies and thinks he has something to hide and thats why he doesn't want me there while hes not working.
I told her his actions feel the same as whne I knew there was something wrong with him before he actually admitted to OW.
Now I'm doing the math and thinking that if that ***** actually did get pregnant that due date could be August. Someone has been repeadetly hacking my FB account ever since my husband and I got back from a reconsilation vacation in early April. Now since he has been acting extremly weird the hacking has stopped or she has just gotten smarter. There was somehting weird onmy FB yesterday that I didn't put there. I removed them. One was that I checked in somewhere that I had not checked in at.
My MIL hopes hes just being really weird nad that he doesn't have anyhting real to hide, but agrees with me that if he is doing something I have to know about it.
Shes in agreement that I go down early and not tell him and then just show up telling him I was suprising him.
His reasons for me not coming early before our actual anniversary is because he has to work and that I'm going ot be bored and I'm going to text him at work, like I did today...he says.
I told him that I would be fine sitting by the pool all day working on my tan. He continiued to try to find excuses saying that the place is not perfect and I won't be happy there. Saying that hes trying to suprise me with a trip to CA cause I've never been and what hes doing for me is not good enough.
So I told him that I wanted to leave on the 8th and not the 9th because I can not guarantee that I won't take longer than he thinks it will be to drive down on the 9th. I said if I drive on the 8th while hes working on the 9th I can just rest from the trip.
If hes hiding something I have to know and this time he can't say it happened while we were seperated so it doesn't count as cheating. He promised me if she contacted him again that he would let me know.
Re: Anniversary after reconsilation should be Speacial and very important
I agree that you should drive down early and surprise him. Also, I wonder what is to be going on at his place whilst you all are enroute to Cali? Perhaps someone holding down the fort?
I agree that you should drive down early and surprise him. Also, I wonder what is to be going on at his place whilst you all are enroute to Cali? Perhaps someone holding down the fort?
I don't think anyone would be there while him and I are gone. He never lived with or stayed over at OW house. I have my in laws to attest to that Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Anniversary after reconsilation should be Speacial and very important
I just think there might be evidence on his computer that he doesn't
Want me to search. It's an Apple computer so I'm not as savy on it for checking deleted emails and browse history Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Anniversary after reconsilation should be Speacial and very important
I don't know how R is possible when you're so far apart. It's hard enough when you're in the same house but this far apart? No wonder you're anxious and suspicious.
Things need to change. You can't change him but you can change what you will tolerate. It's time for you to put your foot down and set some ground rules for R.
Fly out there and deal with this once and for all.
And yes, he should be flying you out for your anniversary and flying home to visit his own children!
Re: Anniversary after reconsilation should be Speacial and very important
It's very hard to work on R when we are so far apart and especially when he's acting like there is something to hide. I don't want to worry about whether I'm flying or not. I'm prepared to drive. He needs to drive home if he wants to see the kids. I've done everything to make it easier on him. I take videos and pictures with my iPhone and instantly send them to him.
I'm not sure if he is still planning on coming out here for labor day. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Anniversary after reconsilation should be Speacial and very important
D day was Aug 29th our 10th was Sept 5 2011. He spent our anniversary in jail. I had bought special expensive dishes for our dinner since this was to be a very important date for both of us. For me it was the celebration of being with someone 10 years, something I had never been able to do before, (6 months is too long) which only confirmed I really was very committed to him and our future. For him, he had also never been with anyone this long etc etc. now I see why. The anniversary is just around the corner and I wonder if we celebrate the 11 yrs. or the 1 year of fidelity? I will allow him to wear his wedding ring. He wore it while having PA. Besides it is my ring for the man who made the marriage vows to me. He broke them, it don't matter what I did or didn't do He alone broke the vows. We cannot undo we cannot go back. I will not wear my ring, there is no value or promises left within that circle of gold and diamonds (of course I could resell it now for the $) So what do we celebrate? He is not coming forth with answers to my questions I feel we are staling. Sometimes I think it's all an act and he is after something like back in the house and his life. The old comfortable house shoes is still a good fit and he knows what to expect. He is very loving, supportive but it seems a waste of time if I can't move forward with answers. He wants to spend time doing things together, real things not just business, working etc. I'm unsure what to celebrate or if to even bother? Does anyone have advise to that, please? Sometimes
Re: Anniversary after reconsilation should be Speacial and very important
Quote:
Originally Posted by jupiter13
D day was Aug 29th our 10th was Sept 5 2011. He spent our anniversary in jail. I had bought special expensive dishes for our dinner since this was to be a very important date for both of us. For me it was the celebration of being with someone 10 years, something I had never been able to do before, (6 months is too long) which only confirmed I really was very committed to him and our future. For him, he had also never been with anyone this long etc etc. now I see why. The anniversary is just around the corner and I wonder if we celebrate the 11 yrs. or the 1 year of fidelity? I will allow him to wear his wedding ring. He wore it while having PA. Besides it is my ring for the man who made the marriage vows to me. He broke them, it don't matter what I did or didn't do He alone broke the vows. We cannot undo we cannot go back. I will not wear my ring, there is no value or promises left within that circle of gold and diamonds (of course I could resell it now for the $) So what do we celebrate? He is not coming forth with answers to my questions I feel we are staling. Sometimes I think it's all an act and he is after something like back in the house and his life. The old comfortable house shoes is still a good fit and he knows what to expect. He is very loving, supportive but it seems a waste of time if I can't move forward with answers. He wants to spend time doing things together, real things not just business, working etc. I'm unsure what to celebrate or if to even bother? Does anyone have advise to that, please? Sometimes
For one thing, I suggest you start your own thread.
Re: Anniversary after reconsilation should be Speacial and very important
How much more, Blue? HOW MUCH MORE?
This is just a sad saga and you won't let it die. He wants to give up, it seems, but you just keep bringing the drama back to life. Stop. Just stop. To me, it sounds like he doesn't want reconciliation and really likes being away from home.
Re: Anniversary after reconsilation should be Speacial and very important
At my husband wanting it to go to marriage counseling,I contacted our marriage counselor we were going to right before he had to go to AZ. I didn't think she was helping at all. She was just letting him run the show. Not making him understand how to build back trust, be open & honest, transparancy....etc etc...
So I contacted the counselor and she was unwilling to counsel us without my husband in the room even though we have facetime technology.
So I told my husband I was going to see if our previous counselor Donna would work with us. She is really really good, the only reason we stopped going to her was because my husband work schedule and office hours of the counselor was not working out.
So I emailed the counselor Friday telling her about our updates fromt eh last time we were in, last time being Dec 23, 2011. She knows of infedilities, losing our house, bankrupcy, my living situation with in laws and my husbnad working in AZ.
I told my husband Sat while he was at a class that Donna agreed to counsel us with him on facetime. He didn't say much about it. Later that night it was Hell with him though. He said that we didn't need to pay another counselor to work out our problems, that all we needed to do was communicate. Of course I disagree with that since my husband is unwilling to read books about how to improve marraiges at all, let alone infedility books.
The night was very hard with me lashing into my husband, which I never do. It was all about the infedility mostly. I told him that he had to earn my trust back. Its not going to be just handed to him. That there is several things that triggers me to see images nad think the worst. His reply was that I have issues and I need to go get medication and see my counselor more often. I really laid into him just as much as he always does me. I never do this type of thing. I told him several times that if he does not want to change than I will drive to AZ with papers for him to sign and I will start dating right away.
Miraculously the night conversation did calm down. He had hung up on me, but then started texting me. We did end up stopping the back and forth arguing and talking about a little more happy stuff and actually being able to feel the warm feeling inside.
The next day (Sunday) he wanted to know when I was going to schedule a marriage counseling appt and told me when he could do it. Which ironically the whole entires days before arguiments were all centered around me asking him what day and time would be good for counseling. He is still nervous about going to counseling, but maybe he understands that the counselor is going to teach him how to gain my trust again.
One thing that is very upsetting to my husband is that I don't trust him at all even though he hs been so faithful to me since he moved back in. So I hope counseling helps us.
There are a few more questions I have about his infedility, not really particulars, but wanting to know when he was committed to me after the infedility. I guess the estimated date that he did not see OW or look for other dates. I'm not sure how relivant it is to know the answer. I just would like to be able to know and say that he was totally committed to me from December to present
Re: Anniversary after reconsilation should be Speacial and very important
So....he calls you crazy and says you need meds because you are having a hard time with dealing with his cheating??
Blameshifting and gaslighting and every other thing you want to call it.
This is a crap situation. I feel you are looking at this through rose-colored glasses and not seeing the reality of the situation.
I only say this because I was once where you are (more or less) with a man who didn't do SHET to change or see things from my perspective (I was ALWAYS the crazy one) but he'd promise me the world to get me to shut up.
I hope you can see reality soon. Your husband does not respect you or the marriage. He doesn't show any signs of love, imo. This is just way too much drama and I wish you'd just go NC with him for a while...a long while. You can't force a square peg into a round hole...but you'll do what you do and we're here for you.
Re: Anniversary after reconsilation should be Speacial and very important
Quote:
Originally Posted by that_girl
How much more, Blue? HOW MUCH MORE?
This is just a sad saga and you won't let it die. He wants to give up, it seems, but you just keep bringing the drama back to life. Stop. Just stop. To me, it sounds like he doesn't want reconciliation and really likes being away from home.
She's started 96 threads since September and she's been told over and over what she needs to do but she refuses to listen even though she keeps coming back for advice.
The same situation as JB100.
She's in serious denial and living in limbo, but she has to want to continue this.
23Likes
