No Contact Letter & Exposure- do they prevent future cheating really?
I know many websites recommend nuclear exposure and a NC letter as a means to deal with infidelity of all kinds. We did both but perhaps all wrong, That got me thinking about how well that works as a preventive measure for future infidelity with the same AP or even new ones?
Does it really work long term or is it a false sense of security? Should one re-do a NC letter if it was done wrong? Does it just make them want to contact you more to prove something? I've actually seen it recommended on relationships sites as a way to "win your lover back" method.....*sigh*
When D-day happened for me, my spouse left the house for a few days, during that time our son was hospitalized and he stayed there with him. He decided to end his EA and wrote a NC letter to AP without even knowing what one was or having me look at it before he hit send. He forwarded it to me ( along with her response) and basically it was all wrong. It was more of a last love letter and even included a PPS _" I don't want this to end, and this was hard, kiss"
She wrote a quick terse reply, but then followed up with a more heartfelt one more than a month later (April ) to which he didn't respond and he gave to me promptly. She even had the nerve to start the letter with, "I'm sorry if this gets you in trouble"
I exposed to everyone we knew but not on her end, she lives in the middle east and they didn't meet through social media but through a ipad game. She is single, etc..there are no common friends, facebook connections etc. Our social circle/family all know of course so he had to face that.
I wish he had known how to write a proper NC letter with stern finite language with clear sign that future contact is not desired, but at this point, it's 5 months past d-day and there has been NC so maybe just let that dog lie?
Re: No Contact Letter & Exposure- do they prevent future cheating really?
The NC letter or email itself is just a piece of paper or electronic words. What it's really for is a definitive line in the sand between you and your spouse, a sign of his/her commitment toward your marriage and a contract that if he/she violates NC, there will be consequences.
No one can actually make your WS abide by the letter, the only thing you can do is enforce the consequences of said letter. In your case, a NC will do little for the OW living in the middle east, only that it says your WH will not contact her anymore. Most OM/OW don't believe the NC letter anyway most of the time, because they don't believe the WS actually meant it or that the BS made the WS send it. My fWW's OM didn't either, since he tried to fish twice after the NC private message.
So in a sense, they do prevent future cheating in that it tells your WS that you will hold them accountable for breaking NC and consequences will follow. But if you're not willing to enforce any consequences for breaking NC, then the NC is useless.
Re: No Contact Letter & Exposure- do they prevent future cheating really?
Nothing can 'prevent' future cheating. All you can do is everything you can to reduce the chances. NC letter and exposure are tools that may reduce the chances. There are no guarantees, and there are many other tools that also help.
Re: No Contact Letter & Exposure- do they prevent future cheating really?
Future cheating can be prevent if the wayward learns the tools to affair proof the marriage and comes to term with who they were and what they want to become.
A life style change that offers the wayward a healthier choice for the emotional well being.
Re: No Contact Letter & Exposure- do they prevent future cheating really?
Thank you for the replies-- I was reading a article about how telling a spouse they "can't do something just makes them crave it and want it more......sometimes it all seems so counterproductive.
Our counselor scolded me when D-day hit and I told him to go chase his soulmate then if she was so friggen wonderful and perfect for him...MC says...."no he wants the things he got from her...from YOU..... the attention, the ego stroking, the daydreaming and "lust for adventure"..... I just can't wrap my brain around how any of part of affairs makes sense.
I also still can't understand the amazing hold a EA can have on a spouse. How one can so deeply mourn someone they never saw in real life.
Re: No Contact Letter & Exposure- do they prevent future cheating really?
The ionly thing will prevent more cheating is for the cheater dig within why the hell thought it was OK to do it the first time, comit himself to a life of integrity a enforce his internal boundaries to protec himself and his marriage from outhere and from his own weakness.
Reading Not just friends, Shirley Glass is a must. He has a website with kids about EAs and online EAs.
Re: No Contact Letter & Exposure- do they prevent future cheating really?
Nothing can "prevent" future cheating. The "no contact" letter and exposure can help.
If the cheater fully intends to keep cheating and just writes the "no contact" letter to appease the loyal spouse, all the while remaining in contact with affair partner, the no contact letter is not much help.
The "no contact" letter, if done right, can help in several ways and will do more good than harm in helping to save the marriage close to 100% of the time.
The willingness and level of resistance to handwriting it shown by the cheater, as well as the types of things the cheater wants to put in the letter, can help the betrayed spouse to evaluate whether the cheater is over the affair and truly wanting to reconcile or not.
The act of handwriting the no contact letter many times can help the cheater to get over the affair mentally. The act of handwriting the words helps to drive them home and many times helps the cheater to put the affair in the past and move on. It adds a level of closure to the situation.
The fact that the cheater is willing to handwrite the no contact letter helps the loyal spouse to re-commit to the marriage and to work on the marriage. If the cheater does so willingly and even enthusiastically, it speeds up the healing process for the betrayed spouse.
I am in favor of including a line in the no contact letter that, if the affair partner ever attempts to contact the cheater again in any way, shape, or form, that the cheater will file harassment charges against the affair partner. I think this can put some fear into the affair partner, depending on their personality and the level of uncertainty they have about whether the cheater was sincere in actually wanting no contact with them.
Depending on the circumstances, exposure can help quite a bit and many times is the single best action the betrayed spouse can take to end the affair. Unlike the "no contact" letter, however, sometimes exposure can actually hurt the chances of saving the marriage. It depends on the situation, and sometimes the marriage may be un-saveable anyway.
If, on D-day, the cheating spouse immediately turns into a crying, snot-blowing blubbering mess and wholeheartedly agrees to have no future contact with the affair partner, and the affair partner is single, there may be no need for exposure. If the affair partner does have a significant other, exposure to them is the right thing to do morally to help their significant other know the truth, and it will help deter a recurrence.
If the affair partner is married or has a serious girlfriend, exposure usually will help deter a recurrence of the affair, especially if the affair partner throws the cheating spouse under the bus however, it could backfire if the the exposure causes the affair partner's significant other to end the relationship and frees up the affair partner to pursue the cheating spouse full time. Exposure will put another set of eyes on the affair, helping to deter it or at least to become aware if the affair continues. If the affair partner throws the cheater under the bus to save their own marriage or avoid conflict with their own family or avoid losing their job, it could help the cheating spouse to see that the affair partner does not love them as they were originally led to believe, and thus help them return to their betrayed spouse to work on the marriage.
If the cheater continues to cheat after lying and agreeing to end the affair (in other words on D-day 2), exposure can help to end the affair. Exposure to the cheating spouse's and betrayed spouse's family and friends, in addition to the affair partner's significant other, also may help. Exposure to the affair partner's family and friends also may help. If a coworker is involved, exposure to human resources may help. Those people knowing could help influence the cheater to end the affair. It also could help the cheater decide to end the marriage, but if so, then the marriage likely was doomed to fail anyway and this helps the betrayed spouse by lessening the amount of time spent in "limbo" wondering if things are going to work out.
Exposure works best when the cheating spouse refuses to end the affair or continues the affair after being caught the first time and agreeing to end it. In those cases, if the goal of the betrayed spouse is to save the marriage, there is not much to lose by exposing the affair and exposure almost always helps, or at least doesn't really hurt.
To whom the affair is exposed depends on the circumstances and could backfire and hurt the situation. However, my opinion is that it helps more than it hurts in most situations.
Nothing actually can "prevent" an affair, but a no contact letter and exposure can help quite a bit. In some cases, if nothing else, they at least speeds up the process and allow the betrayed spouse to see that the cheater never had any intention of returning to the marriage, thus lessening the amount of time the betrayed spouse spends in "limbo" wondering if the cheating spouse will return to the marriage.
A no contact letter is almost always a good idea. Exposure, whether it is done at all and the extent, to whom, depends more on each situation.
Re: No Contact Letter & Exposure- do they prevent future cheating really?
You know I just had a lightbulb moment in your above paragraph. You stated that the "act" of writing the letter gives the WS a funeral if you will of the affair...that idea gives me comfort even though I know it's more symbolic than anything.
We all know that if they still want to cheat they will find infinite ways to do it. One can only hope that the stress, guilt and pain of doing that to someone you love will prevent them from future cheating either while married to us or in future relationships.
Re: No Contact Letter & Exposure- do they prevent future cheating really?
Quote:
Originally Posted by daggeredheart
We all know that if they still want to cheat they will find infinite ways to do it. One can only hope that the stress, guilt and pain of doing that to someone you love will prevent them from future cheating either while married to us or in future relationships.
That may be. But I don't agree with it. Because psychologically, they've crossed the line to cheat in the first place. And once they've been able to cross that line, its easier to cross it again. Now, I'm NOT saying that once a cheater, always a cheater, because there are people who learn there lesson after the first time. Unfortunately, those people aren't the majority. Being in R, I'm hoping my fWW is in that minority, so we'll see.
I can compare it to getting busted for DUI. A lot of people, once they get arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol, never do it again. Yet there are even more where this is their 2nd, 3rd, offense or even more.
So I compare the NC letter to being convicted of a crime. Will they become a repeat offender? We can never know.
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No Contact Letter & Exposure- do they prevent future cheating really? 
