When do you stop asking questions and let it go?

Mr. R · 06-21-2009, 08:36 PM

Staying with anyone who cheats even once is a great way to obliterate one's self respect. That most intimate of trust is a line that no one will ever cross with me without consequences, chief among them being my total removal from their life.

My best advice: never tolerate even a single betrayal of intimate trust, EVER.

As I once heard a quote in a college class, "Let justice be done though the heavens should fall."

fairydust · 06-22-2009, 05:11 AM

MERCED: One question I have is that I feel be probably had many affairs throughout our relationship but he won't confess. Heck he denied two that I do know about only until there was enough evidence that he couldn't deny any longer.

Also during his affair with OW he gave her a STD that I had prior to meeting him. One day while the A was going on she said something to be about someone she knew who was pregnant and had herpes to me. She was wondering how that would affect the baby. See I conceived during the A. Oddly, she wouldn't look at me in the face during this conversation, kept looking away. A long time later I finally figured it out that H must have given her the STD. He hasn't answered any question about that even though I have asked him.

That's one question I still have.

fairydust · 06-22-2009, 05:29 AM

StillIshock

I do want to move but we have a lot of credit card debt right now and don't think we'd be able to.

My H doesn't see a need to move. The A is over so I should be OK with living here if you ask him.

He claims we'll move in a few years. I doubt that unless I move alone which looks like it might be headed that direction.

I'm pretty much at a loss anymore. No emotional connection or anything... I'm wiped out!!

stillINshock · 06-23-2009, 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fairydust

StillIshock

I do want to move but we have a lot of credit card debt right now and don't think we'd be able to.

My H doesn't see a need to move. The A is over so I should be OK with living here if you ask him.

He claims we'll move in a few years. I doubt that unless I move alone which looks like it might be headed that direction.

I'm pretty much at a loss anymore. No emotional connection or anything... I'm wiped out!!

Yes that money business certainly gets in the way. But there may truly be a way. Maybe just for your sanity check out some places. See what's out there. Whether its for you our together. Give yourself a picture of the possibility. I think I'm really talking to myself here - sorry if its too harsh. I'm in the same boat.

fairydust · 06-23-2009, 09:55 PM

I am ready to move without him.

Two years since I found out about the A and everyday when I see her I wish something horrible would happen to her.

I'm finally completely disguested that my H didn't care enough about me in the 3 years since the A ended to even try and help us move. How convenient for him.... as long as it doesn't bother him it's not important how much sanity I lost during the process.

I can finally say I've done all I could and am feeling actually pretty good about leaving on my own. I can't say I didn't give it my all.

stillINshock · 06-23-2009, 10:02 PM

Sounds to me like you have your answer. Trust your gut. Your real, humbled, and honest gut.

Merced · 06-26-2009, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fairydust

MERCED: One question I have is that I feel be probably had many affairs throughout our relationship but he won't confess. Heck he denied two that I do know about only until there was enough evidence that he couldn't deny any longer.

Also during his affair with OW he gave her a STD that I had prior to meeting him. One day while the A was going on she said something to be about someone she knew who was pregnant and had herpes to me. She was wondering how that would affect the baby. See I conceived during the A. Oddly, she wouldn't look at me in the face during this conversation, kept looking away. A long time later I finally figured it out that H must have given her the STD. He hasn't answered any question about that even though I have asked him.

That's one question I still have.

It sounds like he is not going to commit to truly putting this behind and being honest and open. Unfortunately, I think it's nearly impossible to move on in this kind of relationship if 100% isn't given by both H and W. Good luck if you decide to move on.

Private Eye Wife · 06-29-2009, 08:44 PM

Sorry but... Yes, I keep asking questions also but understand why he can't talk about it. My 'take' is this... NO ONE wants to admit they are selfish, stupid, egotisical, narssistic, (poor spellers), or donkey's behinds! Who wants to put it out there that (at any age) they made the biggest mistake ever & can't believe that actually throught they could get away with it & not get caught?!

JDPreacher · 06-30-2009, 06:25 AM

Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to...you just get hurt even more.

But the one thing I've found, from experience, is that sometimes people just keep asking questions wanting different or more answers even when there isn't anything else there. My ex used to just keep trying to dig even when there wasn't anything else to be said, she wasn't satisfied with the answers, even though they were honest and complete...she always felt there was something else there.

Maybe you're looking for something that isn't there

Preacher

Hummingburd · 07-01-2009, 01:12 PM

I have the same issue by continuing to ask questions that I have honestly already asked and gotten answers to. Its like I cannot hear or process and accept what he is saying and let it be reassuring and believe it because the betrayal gets in the way. At least thats How I feel about it, I also feel like he is still holding back and if I keep asking he will break and actually tell me the truth and yet what he could be telling me is honest also. I just am soo mixed up on what to believe anymore....Honestly, I am not sure anymore what is the truth anymore.

He says he loves me and wants to make it work but why does he get mad when I keep looking for reassurance that it wont happen again and that he is not currently doing anyting wrong. I am too needy I suppose!

voivod · 07-01-2009, 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. R

Staying with anyone who cheats even once is a great way to obliterate one's self respect. That most intimate of trust is a line that no one will ever cross with me without consequences, chief among them being my total removal from their life.

My best advice: never tolerate even a single betrayal of intimate trust, EVER.

As I once heard a quote in a college class, "Let justice be done though the heavens should fall."

ahh, yes, but there is a story behind "though the heavens should fall."

The above Latin maxim is often quoted to stress the importance of having justice to be done, as “fiat justitia” means “let justice be done” and it further complimented with “ruat coelum” which means “though the heaven should fall” which is to show the importance of justice to be done disregard of what ever consequence that might await later.

The story behind the maxim is far more interesting, as Lord Denning told us in his book “The Family Story”.

The story goes as someone named PISO passed a death sentence on a soldier for the offence of murdering a person named GAIUS. He ordered a CENTURION (Rome army officer) to execute the guilty found soldier. When the soldier was about to be executed, GAIUS came forward himself and he happened to be alive and well. The CENTURION reported the news to PISO.

PISO instead of discharging the innocent soldier, passed death sentence unto GAIUS and the CENTURION, while maintaining the death sentence on the soldier.

The reason of sentencing the all three to death is because the soldier had already been sentenced, the CENTURION is because he disobeyed the initial order and GAIUS for being the cause of death of two innocent men. PISO then gave excuse “Fiat Justitia, Ruat Coelum-let justice be done, though the heaven shall fall”.

It can be seen that the maxim was originally used as an excuse for a grave injustice and outrages case that had taken place, yet it is often be quoted when people want to emphasis the grave need of having justice to be done.

**thanks for the wisdom of Muhammad Noor Firdaus, source.

fairydust · 07-01-2009, 05:04 PM

mzsmith I agree with you.

I often think he was just sorry he got caught. He would have never told me. She confessed to her H and then he confronted my H. That's how I found out. My H kept saying for a year "I don't know why should would accuse me of that" I knew in my heart it was true and so our relationship went down hill fast. I knew he was lying and to lie for an entire year just sucked.

I've since decided I need to leave the relationship. I have questions about our entire relationship and he doesn't want to be bothered with any questions. He always sucked at communication.

I just wanted a fresh start to our relationship. I wanted the truth to be out in the open. I've lost the emotional connection now and really don't have any desire to continue living my life with him.

My H was the one insisting we couldn't move right now. We do have major credit card debt but we could have at least tried. Its now been 3 years since the A ended. I think he could have done alot more to try and get me out of this hell hole I live in but he didn't. I think that shows what he really feels about me.

He doesn't. It's always been and still is all about him. My feelings are not even considered in my opinion.