This has been my issue for a long, long time. Once again, I'm at my breaking point because I want to ask my H some more questions. What can I say, because OW is across the street questions for me do come up pretty easily.
My H will say he's going to talk to me but months will go by and still no talking, then I explode and he's like you need to just move on, let it go, it's not healthy, quit asking the same questions, blah, blah, blah... granted he has answered questions but I still have more. He doesn't want to hear about it anymore. Personally, I think it's because he hasn't told the complete truth and doesn't want to keep talking about it and let something slip. I don't know just my feeling.
Is it so wrong of me to ask and get his help? When do you finally stop asking questions???
Re: When do you stop asking questions and let it go?
Keep asking. My wife told me the same things. People would tell me it was happening and i didnt want to believe it. But i kept asking and finally she broke and gave in. she told me that she was. she said she didnt wanna say cause it would hurt me. I told her i would rather be hurt then lied to. Please keep asking. it is ur right.
Re: When do you stop asking questions and let it go?
fairydust..
embrace this opportunity with your husband. here's what i'd recommend...
my wife and I were separated a couple years ago due to marital problems (DUH) .. during this time, she had encountered another man and I another woman. they were both individually short flings however she and the OM moved in with each other. (she and I have children as well that I'd go see frequently and take places etc. during this time)
well as it worked out, the OM got jealous and thought she was cheating on him with her husband (IRONIC isnt it ? LOL). . at any rate, she would call me crying cuz he was rotten, and realized what she was missing (and I the same) and eventually after about 6 or 7 months of this nastiness the other people were sent on their way and she and I began putting our marriage together.
(now fast forward about 3 yrs)
I still had a bunch of un answered questions. every once in a while i'd drop one here or there and she'd answer them, but I could tell she was reserved about it. So it began..
I said... "we should have an open and honestty session..". her reply was "I don't think that's a good idea becasue you may ask questions in which the answer could be hurtful (and vice versa)"
my response was simply this.. "dont ask me any questions you dont really want to know the answer to and i promise i won't answer your questions in a hurtful way, however the answers might make you sad".. she agreed to 'take the answer as nothing more than an answer'... the trick to doing this (and if you can't, then wait to have this conversation with your H).. is separating truth from emotion. You have to realize that every question you ask, has a truthful answer that probably would hurt your feelings if you added the emotion. for example.. if you ask him (what's 2 plus 2) and his answer is (4) how do you FEEL.. probably indifferent.. (which is the opposite of love) you have no emotional direction from that answer. you need the same emotional detachment if you're gonna play this game with him.
MAKE SURE you both agree to not ask any questions you don't really wanna know the answer to. make sure you both have a "red flag" word to toss out if the conversation get's too painful.
most importantly.. whats the significance of knowing the answers to your questions ?? what do you plan to do with this information ?? will it help your long term plans with your H or hinder??
seems as if you now have some inner exploring to do before you explore things with your H.
Re: When do you stop asking questions and let it go?
I dont know I think that it could be both that he doesnt want to say or there is just nothing more TO SAY. And he has let it out and is ready to rebuild. And it keeps getting rehashed. I am in the same situation and well its frustrating. When you have it out on the table and you asked already a million times to hear the same thing. But seriously nothing stays a secret and well if you havent herd it now then its all out. cause it ALWAYS comes out. And trust me that women burned across the street would have told you. Just to hurt you.
Re: When do you stop asking questions and let it go?
In my opinion he has not told you enough, based on your posts he hasn't really answered your questions. Perhaps you can change your tactic and consider why you need to know and tell him.
I am in the same boat as you. I discovered the affair because I asked questions, and got lies. Based on his lies, I became very suspicious and snooped on his computer and confirmed what I already knew to be true. What did he do when confronted, lied even with proof. Then admitted to as little as he thought he could get away with and continued to lie. His excuse was he didn't want to hurt me. I told him that he didn't lie for me, he made a poor decision which further hurt me only to protect himself because he thought it would be too much and I would leave him and he was ashamed. True. He agreed.
So where do we go from here, little by little he gave me more information. So I do not know if there is more to tell or not. Mind you the affair went on for 6 months.
So every question I have, I ask myself why do I need to know. When I can answer that, then I ask him the question and tell him why its important that I know. Its helped, he's answered more. I also don't ask every little tiny detail either, even though I want to know. I pick my questions and save just the important ones. I also try not repeat the question because if he is being honest I don't want to doubt him by asking him over and over. There is one question that I do ask again and again, "what more have you not told me". I have also explained that when I asked that before he told me "nothing" and its not true, more came out later and his answer was a lie so this is the reason I keep asking. In our case, he does understand why and does not get upset when I ask.
I think our need to know is that one cannot every apologize without 1) being truly sorry for hurting the other and stopping the behavior immediately 2) admitting what happened, confessing 3) accepting full responsibility...there can be no "buts" here. No excuses! 4) Making amends 5) asking forgiveness. And I think ourneed to know stems from not having step #2 met. To me, if you don't admit what happened how can you accept responsibility, make amends, or ask forgiveness. Its not like just admitting to the affair covers all basis. Like I told him. You told another woman "I love you" whether that was a lie to her or not, its a major betrayal to me. This is separate from the physical affair. This is a separate incident which requires all the same steps. This was one thing he flat denied saying, later came out and said "yes I said that to her but it was to keep her around, I never meant it". So how do I believe that? See by lying, he wasn't truly sorry...
If he's not sorry, I have nothing more to say. Now that has been resolved, its hurtful but he's admitted to it. My problem is, what else is there that he has not admitted to. So for me, I will keep asking the questions. I now know the answer to your question for me. I will quit asking, when I am satisfied, IF I ever am. If he doesn't like it, he can find the door on his own. I feel its my right. He's asking me for my trust again after several major betrayals (one affair but lots of incidents tied to it) and so I am not stupid enough to blindly trust. You have to earn it, and if he truly wants to he will answer the questions.
I never ask a question I don't want to know the answer to.
Re: When do you stop asking questions and let it go?
Thanks everyone.
The one thing you asked is to ask myself why I need to know some of things I want to know and how will it make a difference. This is one thing our MC asked me. I don't know, I'm like one of those people who need to know everything. I want my T's crossed and my I'd dotted.
One thing that bothers me and I'm not sure I ever expressed it here was about 3 months prior to his last A with the neighbor he had a brief fling. I had lost a baby when I was about 3 months pregnant and a few weeks later I found out he had a affair with some girl he met at the bar. Apparently dated for 2 weeks and she gave him a BJ. This I found out from a phone call I made to her friend who's number was on my H's cell phone. He denied, denied, denied and then 3 months later this 7 month A with the neighbor. Sadly, we cried and cried after the 1st A I found out about. I don't get how he could turn around and cheat again so soon and for so long. I really don't feel like I have an answer to that.
Past history, he had drug and alcohol addictions and often stayed out late with his friends. A number of his friends were many years younger then him. I truely believe now that he was probably cheating back then but I have no proof. He won't confess to anything that I don't have proof about but I feel in my heart there's much more to know.
I want confirmation that I wasn't crazy that what I think was going on was indeed.
Re: When do you stop asking questions and let it go?
I think your last sentence answers the why. You are trying to put enough pieces of the puzzle to determine he cheated before or he did not. You lack the information to make a determination either way. If that is the case, I think it will drive you a bit crazy until you learn enough.
This is just my opinion, but all of you have read how each of us feels when we are betrayed. There are lots of tears, anguish, and if there are children they too are hurt. I can speak for myself and say that I have suffered a great deal, and my H sees it. He says he hates that he did this to me. So seeing me like this, and when/if I recover, for him to do it again is unforgivable. For me there is one chance. Repeat offense means they aren't truly sorry...again that's just my thoughts...
Re: When do you stop asking questions and let it go?
A
I do feel like he couldn't been sorry when he turned right around and did it again and yet claims nothing was wrong with our relationship and drugs or alcohol didn't play a part. There has to be something or maybe I'm just looking at a person who only cares about themselves and what they wanted. I know he's sorry this time but I often think he's only sorry because he got caught. Really he didn't get caught, he wasn't expecting her to tell her H and he surely didn't confess on his own will.
I guess that's what kinda scary, I feel it's been going on probably our entire relationship.
Re: When do you stop asking questions and let it go?
Well this is what I think when a spouse cheats and the truth comes out and you both decide to work things out it is the cheaters responsibility to rebuild the trust they have broken they need to have an open book policy E-mail, phone records, and time accountability are what they need to give and not to there desire but to the one that has been hurt satisfaction this is very important if this doesnt happen then your relationship may not survive for trust is the foundation to any relationship I know this from pure experience when my wife cheated she didnt do one thing to help rebiuld my trust the out come was i became even more suspicious of her activiies she would hide her phone come home late without explination how is any one to be convinced an affair is done if the cheater doesnt do a good job proving it that is the least they can do for what they have done suspition leads to worry and to worry all the makes you feel anctious and that is a horrible place to be let me tell you I really think you need to see a councelor as soon as possible god luck
Last edited by findingpeace; 04-21-2009 at 11:32 PM.
Re: When do you stop asking questions and let it go?
I got to say I come at this from a slightly different angle.
Does anyone really think that thier significant other is attracted to a private investigator, or that having someone always waiting to check up on them is the kind of attention they they were lacking befor the affair.
I though the first rule about affairs is that its a symptom, not a desease, meaning that if you think you are doing everything you think you should, you need to consider if you are doing everything your PARTNER thinks you should.
People change constantly thru life and what the need from a partner changes too.
Guy's, paying the bills and comming home every night is NOT enough.
Girls putting out every once in a while and cleaning the house is NOT enough.
You need to talk to your partner until you know them well enough to find out what kind of things they need to keep them happy in a relationship, it may not be what you expect.
And I can gaurentee its not to snoop around them jelously for years at a time.
Everyone needs friends, of both sexes.
We need people to talk to about our relationships that are not in the relationship. A man needs another womans perspective on what his wife is like and a woman needs the same, its all healthy.
Boundries must be respected, but everyone needs some independance.
Re: When do you stop asking questions and let it go?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AZMOMOFTWO
So seeing me like this, and when/if I recover, for him to do it again is unforgivable. For me there is one chance. Repeat offense means they aren't truly sorry...again that's just my thoughts...
I also said this to my H. And both agreed that if he ever does it again, then it means that he and I will go our separate ways.
Re: When do you stop asking questions and let it go?
There's a fine line between asking questions you NEED to know (so that you can try and process it and move on) vs. obsessing, or getting information that will really not benefit you in any other way.
In the end, try and be as rational as possible and ask yourself real hard if the question/s will really benefit you or not.
When do you stop asking questions and let it go?
