OM: 36 - w/2 kids
I don't know all of the abbreviations yet but my wife kissed a guy 6-18-12 and has been having a long distance relationship with him since. I recently found out that she did some intimate things with him on Skype.
This is extremely long and I'm sorry for that...
Me and my wife dated for 5 years and have been married 2 of those. We got married partly because she was pregnant and me knowing he may not be mine because of a drunken bender she had around that same time. During the last year I've been in a program in college to be a physical therapist assistant and it's been really stressful trying to stay afloat. My wife has had issues before about depression. When we fought it was almost always about her going out after work and not letting me know. I've never talked down to her or laid a hand on her.
For the majority we laughed, loved, and did things together when we could. She said that since the beginning of this year I haven't been there for her or paid attention to when she was in turmoil. She never communicated anything wrong when I would ask and I had to keep a certain focus so that I could better provide for her and our son. Well she started hanging out with a guy friend after work in June and one night after a motorcycle ride they kissed. She said its something that just happened and wasn't supposed to. Since then she has said that she can't stop talking to this guy and has been skyping/calling him whiles he's back on base in Alaska until next September (2013). Recently I overheard them say the "I love you baby". I've tried getting through to her that what happened between us is something that can be fixed with some work. I feel like I've catered to her since and I've been staying at my aunt and uncles and watching our son on weekends so she can work. She says she loves me but not in that way and she still cares about me, but she feels like he's her soul mate (which she said the same of us when we first starred dating). She doesn't really believe that relationships follow a certain dynamic. She doesn't see this guy as an escape from our stresses and right now he has 0 flaws. I haven't been too rash with anything but I'm realizing as I write this that divorce is inevitable as nothing that I have done is making any difference. She texted me saying: "I'm sorry that it went down this way.. and yes, I get that its wrong. I did wrong u... and yes that was a bad judgement call on my behalf. And I'm sorry . cuz I know its tearing ur heart apart. U didn't do anything wrong except not notice when I was in turmoil with evrything. And I do still care about u but I also kinda had this notion in my head that if I was cold, it would probably hurt more but would help u get over me faster. And again, I'm sorry. We DID have fun and enjoyed eachothers company. And maybe I am romanticizing. But I feel like I've never felt before. I physically hurt being away. But also, its not a super horrible thing to live in a broken home.. I never woulda had shane as a brother had my parents never split. Never woulda known terry. I have a huge family base. So its not devistating. Yeah he's not gonna know wuts going on for awhike but he's gonna be taken care of and loved. And I really really hope that u don't decide to skip out on connor."
I told her that I'd have to go away for awhile to figure things out and she became agitated that "I'm just running away from our son". I told her that she did this to us when she chose to throw our marriage away to be with a guy she really doesn't know other than what he tells her in texts, phone calls, and the brief week they had when this thing started.
I did break a rule of mine by contacting this guy recently saying: Firstly I want to apologize about my sister getting involved (she told him about being dishonorably discharged for conduct) and to know that she wont bother you anymore. Next, I need to ask you why are you wanting to tear up our family? I lost my job due to downsizing the same month I was accepted into my physical therapist assistant program and have been in school for the passed year so that I can actually provide for my family and be a better husband and father because of it. What little i got from unemployment helped with half of bills and rent, but it helped get us by. I would hope that you can understand that with that comes a massive amount of stress on top of our son being born the month I started. If I didn't stay on top of my coursework I couldn't have made it and with that the last six months I fell behind on being there for ****. It wasn't anything that we couldn't fix with some work and some time. **** took on a lot with work and our son, but i did what I could with as little as I had. What we were going through can leave anyone feeling trapped without a light at the end of the tunnel. It really does feel like you've taken our stressful time in both of our lives and used it for your own benefit. I love my wife and son, regardless whether or not he's biologically mine, and she's going through her own hell right now aside from where we're at during this present time. Can you break up a marriage that hasn't even been given the chance to work as well as tear apart our families?
So in light of this, what do you think? Do you think it's too far gone to ever have hope again? Do you believe that they will work out being based off an affair and long distance? Posted via Mobile Device
She knows she is doing wrong to you and your children, she knows she has broken your heart and what she proposes to do is to continue doing wrong you you and your children and continue breaking your heart.
She cares about one thing. It's not you, your heart or your children. The one thing she cares about is her pleasure.
I am so sorry for you. This is a hell of a situation. Do you have anyone you can talk with? A pastor, perhaps?
- Did you ever have a paternity test done? Do you know if the kid is yours?
- Stop "catering" to her. She's made it crystal clear she is in love with the other man. And stop pleading. I understand that you don't want to lose the marriage, but your wife has all but thrown it away, anyway. You have nothing to lose at this point.
The other man is a scumbag. You reaching out to him to "explain" your situation is ridiculous. It makes it sound like you're pleading with him to leave your wife and family alone. He doesn't care about you or your family. He just wants to !@#$ your wife. You waste your time and energy writing to him.
No, what your wife needs is consequences. Have you exposed her affair to her family? If not, why not? Have you had tests done to confirm that your kid is even yours? If not, why not? Your wife is perfectly capable of cheating, and the fact that she keeps throwing her son at you to guilt you into staying around is highly suspect. It's not something a decent woman would use as her shield, and makes me suspicious.
You are young. You've only been married for two years, and she's already cheated on you and wants to live with another man? No way, dude. There is nothing worth saving. Get a badass lawyer, and serve her up a nice plate-ful of divorce. She has no respect for you, and she will never have any respect for you until you stand up for yourself. Expose her to her family. Let her suffer consequences for infidelity. Hit her with divorce paperwork. Show her that you will not tolerate her bad choices and disrespect. Have a paternity test done. The boy may very well not be your own. You need to know.
Take action, because pleading and begging are the #1 way to lose your spouse's respect and love.
I have a paternity test coming in the mail. And yes I've told her family but she doesn't know how much they know. I guess I thought she was just a different breed you know. Like there's more to it than this and you're right I do need to stand up for myself and have been until just recently. A text I sent her was "The woman I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore. Instead of being faithful and committed when times got rough, she chose the easy way out, cheated on her husband, break up a family that was there for her through her hardest times, for a man she suddenly started having feelings for, because she lost sight in how she felt about her husband when she stopped talking to him and couldn't put the work in to make it through to where we could finally make it once his school, so close as it is, was finished. ****, you not making enough money because I can't watch **** like I was able to is your fault. You're going to have to figure something out."
I should've stuck with that. I just want to know that they won't work...everything I've read that's related to what I'm going through points to it not working for them... Call me spiteful, but it does make me feel a little better. I regret talking to this guy knowing he's not going to answer back but I took that advice by my father-in-law. Posted via Mobile Device
And I agree that divorce is the only way out of this now and will be talking to a lawyer next week. I know she's way immature for her age and doesn't see how relationships work. After writing all of this down it doesn't seem like it could ever come back to where we could try again. Is it possible years ahead when she realizes what she really did and lost? Or is this just me being niave? Posted via Mobile Device
Oh okay. I was afraid that you wanted us to gloss over your situation and bullsh!t you about how "things would work out."
Good. It seems you know where you stand.
And yes, you are right in assuming that her relationship with the OM will fall flat on its face. Such relationships rarely last. The moment she and him start dealing with real problems (bills, living conditions, kids) is when the fantasy will lose its appeal, and start becoming real-life. He will get bored with your wife, or she will realize that the grass isn't any greener. Either way, they won't last. Considering how reckless and capricious your wife is, I almost guarantee it.
Truth be told, it will probably start to fizzle out when the divorce is in full swing. A good dose of reality may wake her up.
However, I need to stress that you not work things out with her if she changes her tune, until she can prove to you that she is worth staying married to. Yes, she will need to prove that she is a woman worth committing to, and she will have to do a lot of heavy-lifting to re-earn your trust, if it ever comes to that.
It may be simpler to simple excise her from your life with divorce, though. No one will fault you for not getting back together with her. I certainly don't think you should.
Jibril: I definitely hear you loud and clear, I have no intention potentially putting myself through this again especially knowing that, at this point, I can't trust her. If he paternity test comes back and my son isn't mine I've thought about taking my name off of the birth certificate but still providing for him (clothes, diapers, etc) because I want to and not out of an obligation. My appeal to this guy was more out of a judgement of character to see whether or not he is a good person like he's making my wife believe. She really should know better from guys she meets at work (she's a bartender). But everyone here along with mine and her family thinks she just went off the deep end. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't think either of us were ready for marriage, even if we did wan it at the time. But at the same time when things got rough she didn't communicate or put in the work to help make us better. She says that shes going to get her own place and be independent and work on herself, but you cant do that and be in a relationship right? And even with that her jumping into the relationship while still in a marriage demolishes genuine trust and may prevent her from making a long term change to prevent the same mistakes from happening again even if it is a long distance relationship. Am I right about that? Posted via Mobile Device
Jibril: I definitely hear you loud and clear, I have no intention potentially putting myself through this again especially knowing that, at this point, I can't trust her. If he paternity test comes back and my son isn't mine I've thought about taking my name off of the birth certificate but still providing for him (clothes, diapers, etc) because I want to and not out of an obligation. My appeal to this guy was more out of a judgement of character to see whether or not he is a good person like he's making my wife believe. She really should know better from guys she meets at work (she's a bartender). But everyone here along with mine and her family thinks she just went off the deep end.
You will need to check state laws on paternity. In most states a child born during a marriage is considered the legal child of the husband. It does not matter what a paternity test shows. It's very hard to get a father's name off a birth certificate. While it's good to know if he is your biological son, he is been your son either way.