An interesting turn of events. Yesterday, as I mentioned in this thread, I planned to confront my wife again and lay it all on the line. When I picked her up from work yesterday she seemed upset.
When we got home she wanted to talk. She admitted to me that she had a problem and wanted to seek help in counselling. She also said she'd look for another job. I was caught off guard by this and don't know what to do. Is it too late? Should I hang on and go to counselling to see where that takes us? Is this just a "good" day and she will have more "bad" days where she changes her mind? Is she buying time to make her decision?
I know I am very likely in denial and not accepting the truth as deeply as I should. If she is honestly going to go to counselling and try, I will give us that chance, to see what the counselor can tell us. But I truly understand that any mistakes on her part from now until then HAS to result in D. And I have been starting the 180 to begin to detach myself so I will be able to do it if the time comes.
Have you made it clear that you will divorce her if she backslides?
There is nothing wrong with hoping and fighting to get your wife back. Most honorable, self-respecting men have to feel that they did everything possible. You have loved her most of your life so it is perfectly normal to feel like you don't want to give up while there is the slightest chance left.
Is the counseling she scheduled Marriage or Individual? If it is MC I see nothing wrong with you going with her. If it is IC then go with her if you are asked, but do not be surprised if the counselor asks to see her alone. The counselor will probably set the schedule.
Nothing wrong with trying to recover what is lost until you just hit the wall and can't do it any more.
There is nothing wrong with hoping and fighting to get your wife back. Most honorable, self-respecting men have to feel that they did everything possible. You have loved her most of your life so it is perfectly normal to feel like you don't want to give up while there is the slightest chance left.
Is the counseling she scheduled Marriage or Individual? If it is MC I see nothing wrong with you going with her. If it is IC then go with her if you are asked, but do not be surprised if the counselor asks to see her alone. The counselor will probably set the schedule.
Nothing wrong with trying to recover what is lost until you just hit the wall and can't do it any more.
You don't have kids. Go. You can do counseling while seperated. Let her find out what life is like without you. She will have to win you back as you START a new life without her. If she's runs to OM then you'll know you made the right choice. Once you detach a bit you'll know if you are fighting for her or your life. You've got to separate and give it time. Worst mistake I made was forcing my wife into R when she wasn't even close to ready and your wife isnt. You are not ready either. You are in panic mode trying to save and fix everything. You both need time. I know how slowly everything seems to me moving. A day feels like a year. It's going to be extremely hard but I think you know you need to do it. Separating does not have to be the end of your life together. Look at is as a chance to fall in love again without the stresses of marriage, bills, etc wearing on the both of you. Let her find out if the grass is really greener over there. Is it really ever about the OM or about a new life freed from the problems in the marriage. She may find out that your life together was pretty awesome compared to what it's like on her own. Seperate, do the 180. Go to counceling with her if she wishes. In time if your ready maybe start to date. Go from there. No kids, no rush. This is about long term what's best for you. If it does not happen then it will be easier because you have already begone to detach and the fears of the unknown life without her will have started to fade. Do it. Again, you are not giving up on your marriage. She is already gone. If she wants you back she will have to win you back. I also understand that you've been in love since you were kids. I was the same way. The only really serious long term relationship I ever had was with my wife. It's tough.
You don't have kids. Go. You can do counseling while seperated. Let her find out what life is like without you. She will have to win you back as you START a new life without her. If she's runs to OM then you'll know you made the right choice. Once you detach a bit you'll know if you are fighting for her or your life. You've got to separate and give it time. Worst mistake I made was forcing my wife into R when she wasn't even close to ready and your wife isnt. You are not ready either. You are in panic mode trying to save and fix everything. You both need time. I know how slowly everything seems to me moving. A day feels like a year. It's going to be extremely hard but I think you know you need to do it. Separating does not have to be the end of your life together. Look at is as a chance to fall in love again without the stresses of marriage, bills, etc wearing on the both of you. Let her find out if the grass is really greener over there. Is it really ever about the OM or about a new life freed from the problems in the marriage. She may find out that your life together was pretty awesome compared to what it's like on her own. Seperate, do the 180. Go to counceling with her if she wishes. In time if your ready maybe start to date. Go from there. No kids, no rush. This is about long term what's best for you. If it does not happen then it will be easier because you have already begone to detach and the fears of the unknown life without her will have started to fade. Do it. Again, you are not giving up on your marriage. She is already gone. If she wants you back she will have to win you back. I also understand that you've been in love since you were kids. I was the same way. The only really serious long term relationship I ever had was with my wife. It's tough.
I am about to leave work for the day and go be with my with for another evening, talking, and getting insights. I have more questions to ask her everyday.
At this point, if she's still in the fog, I believe that separating would allow her to go to the OM even if that's not what she truly wants. The she would find out that I am the one she really wants but I wouldn't be able to take her back due to the decisions she made while in the fog. I am going to strongly consider it because I highly respect your advice. Thank you.
And don't forget that as soon as the penetration happened, the cheating spouse ''got religion", cried and left the AP.
That is completely understandable because the AP had the smallest tool she'd ever seen and it hurt so much going in. But he couldn't get hard, so it doesn't really matter.
Ok. How about this then. Just go home and "be". No questions, no pressure, no fighting, no crying. Both of you take a night off. I know it's hard.
Wow. I didn't read this post until this morning, but this is exactly what we did last night. We got home, walked and played with our puppy, had dinner and watched TV. I thought about our situation a few times over the evening but I didn't say anything. I guess I just wanted to have one "normal" night. It went well, we had fun. Not sure if it makes a difference, but we had sex too, it really felt like a regular life again.
@Shaggy: Yes, she does have some vacation time. However, the OM is in the military as I'd mentioned and he is out of town at the moment. I am thinking about calling his CO, would I be able to restrict him from that base?
How do you know he is out of town? When is he due back?
Since she' agreed to a new job, then take her up on it and get cracking. Posted via Mobile Device
His unit is gone, I believe he would have to be.
I am taking her up on the new job, I'm going to find out tonight if she has started looking for new positions, and she will have to show me ads so I can verify. I may look for jobs for her and show her options. I also want to know if she's done any research on this topic since I expressed the need for her to learn more about what's going on. I found a good article for a WS to read, I'll ask her to read it.
For those of you reading this, I just learned a new reason that could have lead to my WW changing her mind. Previously, it was suggested that something happened between her and the OM. Recently, her sister exposed the affair to their father and step-mother.
My wife is very friendly, she's making plans for our evenings, and wants to spend more time with me. These are good signs?
When she is in these cooperative moods you needyo get her away from that job ASAP, and to get full transparency from her. Right now she is detoxing from the affair, you need to set things up to avoid a relapse when she gets another dopamine hit from contact with the OM. Posted via Mobile Device
When she is in these cooperative moods you needyo get her away from that job ASAP, and to get full transparency from her. Right now she is detoxing from the affair, you need to set things up to avoid a relapse when she gets another dopamine hit from contact with the OM. Posted via Mobile Device
Working on the new job, I've searched for the past two days and there's nothing in our area at this time, not that I've found anyway. I have to keep looking and check more sites.
I have full transparency and she's okay with it. I can talk, call, text, email her any time and she'll respond or answer my questions. I can ask her who's on the phone or look at what she's doing on the computer. She's definitely not trying to hide anything from me when we're together any more, like she was before D-Day.
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Re: D-Day #2 
