I have two other threads here, one talking about the original discovery day and a little bit of our history, the other about my concerns during the recovery process. So I won't get into those details here.
I decided to go out for a night on the town with my wife and two of her female friends to relax and relieve some tension. We had a good night, everyone seemed to be having fun, my wife and I were getting along.
I know this was probably not a good time to get drunk, but we started having fun and the drinks kept coming. Anyway, when we got home my wife went to bed but I couldn't sleep, and I started to think about all our problems again. I wanted to talk about it, but obviously she wanted to sleep. So I left the bedroom and spent some time being mad alone.
I woke up a couple hours later and noticed my wife was sleeping with her cell phone right next to her. I became very curious, so I took the phone and turned it on. Right away on the screen was a conversation with the OM. I got really angry. I woke her up and told her what I had just found and read.
We fought for a while about it, she told me it was just a drunken mistake and she hasn't talked to him over the past week. The only time she could have been talking to him is while she's at work, because I moniter when we're at home. I was very close to divorcing her right then and there. She was crying and seemed very remorseful for hurting me again, and I caved... because I love her.
I don't know if I can ever trust her. I can't handle a D-Day #3. I am thinking about telling her we need to get divorced and asking her to leave. But I feel like I will cave again, I don't know if I can go through with it, but I can't keep doing this. She seems to really want to be with me, I believe that, but I also think she won't stop what she's doing... she wants both. I guess I need to commit to the full 180 now.
She just used the first excuse she thought you'd believe, that she was drunk. So what will she do the next time she drinks? Well actually you don't have to wait for that.
Infatuation is very powerful. It's as simple as that. As long as D remains just a threat, you will find your situation has not changed one bit. Only an outside force like exposure and D can wake a WS up. And even then it's a long shot. But if you want R, you should at least try. This is where the saying comes from, be willing to lose tjhe marriage to save it. Why so extreme? Because your marriage is ALREADY gone but it takes a while to fully accept this tragic truth. Posted via Mobile Device
It seems like everyone is of the opinion that the affair is not over... which was my concern. I feel like I have to end it but that's the last thing I ever wanted to do, which is why I've been trying to fix it.
The conversation was actually about me. I think it's rather obvious that some messages were deleted as the conversation was going on, but then she passed out and I was left to find the end of the conversation.
The part that I seen started with her saying "I need to figure it out", she told me it was figure out our marriage, but I can't believe anything. Then he asked her if there was anyone else and she said no. The he said "soon you're going to snap and come to me" and she only replied with a laugh. She told me that was his wishful thinking, but again, who knows. The last message was him saying "did you fall asleep?".
After her and I talked about it, she wrote him and said "don't ever write to me again". But there's no way to know that she didn't contact him after that and simply explain she got caught.
What is the connection? He's in the military and he attends the gym in the office building she works in.
What application did she use to chat? The regular chats or in-game chat application?
I posted this in your older thread but failed to follow up with it.
Quote:
The way this affair ended is a bit concerning. There is a chance that this might have gone underground. There are chat applications whose txt messages don't show up on the records. Verify using your own methods.
It seems like everyone is of the opinion that the affair is not over... which was my concern. I feel like I have to end it but that's the last thing I ever wanted to do, which is why I've been trying to fix it.
The conversation was actually about me. I think it's rather obvious that some messages were deleted as the conversation was going on, but then she passed out and I was left to find the end of the conversation.
The part that I seen started with her saying "I need to figure it out", she told me it was figure out our marriage, but I can't believe anything. Then he asked her if there was anyone else and she said no. The he said "soon you're going to snap and come to me" and she only replied with a laugh. She told me that was his wishful thinking, but again, who knows. The last message was him saying "did you fall asleep?".
After her and I talked about it, she wrote him and said "don't ever write to me again". But there's no way to know that she didn't contact him after that and simply explain she got caught.
What is the connection? He's in the military and he attends the gym in the office building she works in.
They are still talking. I do believe the "figure it out" was to figure out the marriage. Of course it was. That's what this whole thing is about. Demand she block his number. Or do it for her. This isn't over.
I hate to say it but a "drunken mistake" can be very revealing. The mind goes to what it REALLY wants to do without the inhibitions of logical thought.
The affair never ended. She was continuing contact at work. She just got drunk and got careless and got caught.
Obviously she has not committed to you and your marriage. She is still questioning what she wants and is continuing to discuss it with OM.
I have recently discovered that my wife was having an emotional affair. I had been suspicious for just over one week when I confronted her, because she was on her cell phone a lot more and being very protective of the phone. The amount of text messages she was sending/receiving was a lot higher than normal for that week. I believe I caught it early, but I think they were talking for a few weeks around her office before they began texting eachother after work hours.
When confronted, she denied it and told me she was just talking to friends. I was well prepared for the confrontation, as I had been researching what possible issues could be happening in our marriage to cause this behaviour. I had already believed it was an EA and had papers for her to read about it. She became mad at me for accusing her of an affair.
After some agruing, she admitted it. Even though I was already certain this was the case, hearing it devastated me. She still wanted to be allowed to remain friends with this guy. We argued about it a lot, until I was forced to give her the ultimatum; him or me. I told her we'd be divorced if all contact with him wasn't cut off. She agreed. She told this guy that I knew what was going on but she didn't want to stop talking to him. Then she told him it would ruin her marriage and they had to stop.
Since the truth is out there, my wife really seems to want to fix our marriage. I'm not good at dealing with emotions and emotional problems, so I am struggling. She has agreed to give me access to her cell phone, email and other accounts, which is a huge step in rebuilding trust. My problem is that I'm instantly filled with anxiety when we're not together, when I can't moniter what she's doing. I like to know what she's doing at all times possible and I am struggling to give her space. I am terrified of it continuing or starting again, so I'm compelled to verify she's not talking to someone when we're apart. I think it's fair for me to feel nervous, but I can't moniter her all the time and I'd really like to know if there are any ways I can make this easier for myself to deal with. Are there any steps I can take to help deal with my feelings? Or should I just expect it to be a hard process? I really want our marriage to work, I love her with all my heart and want to trust her again.
We have been married for less than one year, but we've been together for more than ten years. I became too comfortable in our relationship and we started spending less and less time together, which gave her the need for attention, unfortunately she didn't come to me.
TL;DR: My wife had an EA, she told the guy it's over, she's given me access to her accounts to rebuild trust. I am really struggling with anxiety when we are not together and I can't moniter her and verify she's not doing something wrong. I'm looking for advice how I can better handle my feelings.
Thanks for reading and I'd appreciate any advice. I am happy to share more and provide details if it would help.
Owyn
She crossed the line in the sand that would turn the ultimatum into reality. Now you painted yourself into a corner and have only two options. Option 1, carry through with the ultimatum and file for divorce (it can be stopped up to the point of finalization) so that she can see that you were not bluffing and are ready to move on with your life without her. Option 2, do nothing and run the real risk of her losing what little respect she has for you, and proceed to turn the EA into a full blown affair and rubbing it in your face, knowing full well that your threats are hollow. If you are smart, you'll go with Option 1 because she will be on a deadline to really end all contact with the OM and do all the heavy lifting to rebuild the marriage before the divorce becomes finalized. But if you choose Option 2, then be ready to suffer being a cuckold husband to a remorseless, cruel, selfish wife who may even take the OM to your home and have sex on the marital bed. Your choice.
Somewhere after you left the bed---she got on her phone, he called/she called, what's the difference---they talked---He isn't gone, and it's not over
It takes only one moment of weakness, she has sex, and this thing is even worse
It was a drunken mistake, is BS---it was A CHOICE/HER CHOICE---to be on that phone with him----if she iniated the call, you got bigger problems, than you want to admit----if he iniated the call---IT NEEDED TO BE IGNORED, was it---NO
Whether you like it or not---the F'ing Alcohol, needs to be left out of your mge.---what the he*l is she doing getting so drunk, that she passes out---what are the two of you some kind of stupid teenagers, that you also drink to excess
She cries, that she wants to stay in the mge., has she shown it----NO---if she wanted to stay in this mge---she would move heaven and earth, to do the heavy lifting, and gain you back---what does she do---stays in contact, she still is emotionally fixed on him---if she see's him at her workplace (the gym) that is her choice also----does she not know that she CAN GO UP TO HIM AND SAY TO HIM, I AM MARRIED STAY THE F. AWAY FROM ME---If she wanted her mge., that would/could/SHOULD happen.
As to contacting HIS CO---WHY===what for---the other guy owes him nothing---his beef is with his own wife---SHE IS THE PERSON INVOLVED IN THIS MGE, THAT IS ALLOWING ALL OF THIS TO HAPPEN. If his wife stops it---the other guy is doing nothing more than whistling dixie---its his wife that is allowing this to go on and on and on.
On another thread---I talked about punishment/no punishment---here is a perfect example---he lets this wife back in the mge., they go out---get drunk, and she makes contact---WHERE IS THE ACCOUNTABILITY, WHERE IS THE PUNISHMENT---There is none---so what happens---SHE IS RIGHT BACK IN CONTACT
You just really have no clue---what are you doing here, you just do not wanna listen to the advice given to you by EXPERTS
@mahike: That is good advice. I don't know the last name of the OM. I guess I will have to ask my wife for it... I haven't tried to learn a lot about him.
@warlock07: She used her cell phone, some chat application on the iPhone. They do show up on the bill as text messages, that'd how I was alerted before D-Day #1. The OM is just some guy that she met while at work, he attends the gym in the office building she works in. I don't know if there was a PA. But I've mentioned before that I think it would be really hard for her to do that at work, given her position and amount of co-workers... but not impossible. She comes home right after work every day, always has.
@TDSC60: Yes, the drunken mistake is not something I should have taken to... I guess I am in denial. When we're home from work tonight I am going to confront her about the conversation again, after telling her it's been on my mind all day.
82Likes
D-Day #2 
