iamtheswoop

While my situation is not overtly unique and I feel as if I am merely posting what has been posted hundreds of times before. I still feel like this will be good for me to confide in complete strangers and have someone to talk to about my situation.

I'm going to tell the story, hopefully no one gets bored with the details.

I have been married to my wife for 8 years. (three kids) They have been very difficult 8 years. We've gone through failed businesses, miscarriages, lack of money, nervous breakdowns, depression/anxiety...etc. Overall we've stayed together and stayed strong for each other and I love her very much. I want nothing more in the world to be with her.

I found out in March of this year that she was "sexting" with a person in California. I knew she was spending too much time on her phone and she was always evasive about it. I finally took her phone while she was sleeping and just read the texts. (yes I know what I did was wrong) She had been carrying on a very intimate relationship with a another man for about 6 months. It started out innocent (as they always do) but became very intimate. It was a very sexually explicit relationship, but it was also a very comforting relationship for her specifically (because she struggles with depression). For me the whole thing was a huge pit in my stomach. The pain of feeling betrayed on this level was far more than I had ever expected. It hurt (and continues to hurt) so deep inside that I could barely understand every emotion that went through me.

I wanted her to understand the pain I felt, but I have come to realize that she never will. It's a pain that only can be experienced and not understood. So I have since moved on from making her understand to becoming the "alpha-male" (if you will) and stop trying to find pity.

I confronted her about the relationship in March and to her credit she ended everything with Mr X. rather promptly. Since then we've been reading "I love you but I'm not in love with you." We're working on being completely open and honest. I have since been reading about love language and am doing things to speak her love languages. I've also picked up a bunch of "how to be romantic" books to be more like a romantic husband who appreciates her. It's obvious to me that I was lacking in many areas and she wasn't feeling appreciated/loved. We haven't done any counseling yet as we're waiting for our insurance to start a new off cycle year so we have money in the FSA.

Here's where I'd like to vent:
1. She actually tried to start talking with Mr X again recently. Once again I caught her, but this time she specifically said, "I don't understand what the problem is, now that things are better between us, I just want to talk to him as a friend."

For those of you who have been on this site a while, you will know this as a big red flag. I followed the advice I found on this site and I basically gave her an ultimatum. Either she stays with me and cuts off communication with Mr X completely. Or she needs to leave and be with Mr X and never come back. We had some arguments about this, but I think she now understands where I'm coming from. She may resent me in the short term but I'll make it up to her in the long term.

2. Here is another area I'd like to vent. I want to fight for my wife, I want to fight for my relationship. But it really sucks that I feel hurt and betrayed by her, but I'm the one who has to change the most to win her back. I have to win her back while simultaneously trying to forgive her and let the pain inside dissipate. I understand this isn't fair and there's nothing that can be done...but I just want to complain a bit....it really sucks.

3. In some ways I feel jealous. I have had complete fidelity with my wife and never have done anything remotely close to an emotional affair let alone a physical. I have no female friends, I don't go hang out with people. (I am the classic introvert) I focus all my attention on taking care of the kids, and supporting our family. (My wife has severe depression and some days can't even get out of bed). In some ways it would be nice to have someone to talk to all the time and be intimate with, when my wife isn't "fulfilling my needs." (That's the way she put it. I wasn't there for her, so she turned to someone else)

4. Lastly, I want to vent about playing second fiddle. a friend of my wife actually sent me a copy of their conversation because it really scared the friend. I read the conversation and was not startled by it at all, but I was surprised my wife hadn't told me this:
My wife still very much in love with this other guy. She thinks about him all the time, and has to force herself not to think about him. My wife actually struggles with the idea that she found her soulmate, and it's not me. She wonders if God made a mistake and was actually sent her to the wrong guy.

I'm not offended by this because I don't believe in "soulmates." They don't exist. What bothers me is there is a possibility I could do everything to win her back and have her fall in love with me again, and I'd still be second place in her heart. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get her to fall in love with me again; but there are no guarantees. The thought of being with the woman I love and working so hard at it only to come in second is awfully depressing.

Anyway, that's it. Thanks!

costa200

No it wasn't wrong. It wasn't wrong at all. That's exactly what you should do when your gut tells your of pirates in the coast.

I think you've been reading the wrong books. She cheated on you so you work on it and become "a husband who appreciates her"?

What kind of new age ineffective hogwash is that? You should have put her on probations, the figurative dog house. Instead you went all out BETA on her and she saw that as a pass to keep doing it.

Good thing you had help from the guys here. But it was still not enough.

Can't you see? She has cheated. And it's you that are doing all the heavy lifting still. Of course she is in love with the other guy. He is a fantasy... You're not. You're real. And you haven't took the steps required to make this whole situation REAL for her too.

iamtheswoop

costa200,

Thank you for your reply. You are absolutely correct. I am doing all the heavy lifting and it's driving me crazy...Might I ask your advice on what to do to make it real for her as well? I must not have paid attention to this part.

Shaggy

First, there was nothing at all wrong with you looking at her phone. Nothing. That's like saying you heard noises so you walked into the room to find your wife having sex with the OM, and that somehow you invaded her privacy.

So stop such silly thoughts.

Also she must give you compete transparency at this point, and going forward. Any time you want her phone and texts should be available to see. And you should look.

Have you found out who the OM is, his she met him etc?. You need to see if he has a wife/gf and other detaiils and expose what he has done. Take him out of the picture.
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iamtheswoop

Thanks, I believe you are correct. It's good to hear.

Yes I know who the OM is. I read most of their conversations, looked at his facebook profile, reverse searched where he lived. The two of them never met fortunately. They talked about meeting all the time. He's a single guy in college; so he has no strings. That might have been a little exciting for her.

Also my wife has been very open and transparent. Until recently. She doesn't want to tell me why she misses him, so I don't know if that is a red flag or not. But other than that, I've looked at her phone with her permission. I will ensure he is completely removed from the picture.

Thanks for the response.

Corkey88

I have been through this rodeo and I know full well how much it sucks. If you want this to work, she has to change and be completely committed to you and your marriage. As was already stated, she is the one who cheated and she needs to work to earn your forgiveness. And don't ever kid yourself, this is cheating!

First of all, she must agree to complete transparency. You get to see her phone, Facebook account, everything. There can be no secrets between you...no privacy when it comes to this at all. If she doesn't agree to this, then assume she is hiding something.

Secondly, and this is just my opinion, you need the firm, ultimatum that you will not stand for her speaking with Mr. X ever again. There is no being friends with this guy...no communication ever again. It is over and if she doesn't agree to that, you are leaving. You have to let her know you won't be treated like a door mat. You have more self-respect than that. You need to respect yourself or she she never will. Right now she is treating you like a dish rag...she can wipe the counter with you, scrub the floor and you are still there waiting for another morsel of affection while she has sexual fantasies on her phone with the this other guy. If you want her back, she has to know what she has to lose. People only react/change when and only when , they know the dramatic consequences of their actions. In this case, you leaving with the kids should do the trick.

There you go...a blueprint for you. In the meantime, you could certainly benefit from some couples counseling. You need to re-ignite the spark you had when you first got married. Cliche I know but work needs to be done here. She strayed for a reason...not saying it was right but she is seeking something and it sounds like you are as well. Find out what it is through talking and work on finding it together.

Good luck!

iamtheswoop

Corkey88,

thanks for the response. You are absolutely right, I need to demand this of her.

On a different note: I know exactly who the guy is on facebook. Have you (or anyone) confronted the OM? I'm tempted to do so, but don't know what I'd say.

Corkey88

Yes I knew who the guy was but I never confronted him. Ask yourself what would be the point? This is your wife's problem and she has to change. The scumbag who is enticing your wife won't ever change.

I think confronting him is pointless unless you are looking for a physical confrontation or to threaten him. Both of these are stupid and childish and can easily backfire on you.

Just leave it alone and get back to working on your marriage.

forlorn99

This is because she is living a fantasy with the other man. There are no kids to take care of in their private world, there are no bills no problems etc.. She is only seeing the very best of him put into just the perfect light. Its called the affair fog by some people on this site. It will go away but you need to snap her out of it. There are lots of great posts on it and maybe someone with more experience in dealing with it could help you.
I can say that it will not last.. you need to focus on yourself and maybe do 180 on her until the fog goes away?

iamtheswoop

forlorn99,

Holy crap you are right. Why didn't I think about the "affair fog" before. Sheesh! I've read some of those posts but it didn't even register. Now that you've said it you are absolutely right. I can't tell you how good that makes me feel!

tacoma

First stop being so damn beta man, she made this mess not you.

Second, find out who the Om is and hope he`s married so you can send a copy of all the correspondence to his wife and she`ll destroy your wifes "soulmate" fantasy in a heartbeat.

Third, no second chances.If your wife breaks NC with OM again have her served.

She needs to start feeling the repercussions of her actions.

daggeredheart

I along with countless others could have written this post word for word. The way you described your emotions, thoughts, fears were to the point and many if not all of us can relate to each one.

Did your wife ever meet the man in real life or did it stay online only? My husband had a similar emotional affair but never met the woman....which I feel only fuels the "unfinished" feeling that this person is romantic ideal.

Everyone talks about the fog and the fantasy of all affairs and while that makes perfect sense it still totally sucks for the spouse who is as you said, is healing and mending at the same time. I don't know how to snap them out of it...because it feels like your trying to convince them that you are the better choice...which feels desperate to me but I understand the principles.


Just last night I was hit like with a bout of sadness thinking about all the years we have been together and that he was tossing that history aside for someone he knew a whole month...... it boggles the mind.

Thank you for sharing your words....they do provide comfort to know that we are not alone in these moments.... others feel and understand the pain.

Maybe someone can chime in with some points to discuss about your last issue---the feeling the spouse has to "find out if they are their soul male"--- in my case right after D-day, I gave up. Right away I was too discouraged to "fight" for my man and I didn't want to play second fiddle. I believed him when he said he loved her and wanted to try and see if he could find a way to be with her ( impossible odds since she lives in Iran) I basically bowed out and said "go for it" but in a nice way.......fast forward to reconciliation and counseling and our counselor says that was a wrong move and spouse agreed. He compared it to a person struggling with drug addiction and by me accepting his decision to pursue the "soul mate" akin to handing him the crack pipe?????

Doesn't it make more sense to let them go if they are determined????? It feels intuitive to do that, so that they can see that the fantasy isn't all it's cracked up to be.

TRy

In another thread you texted the following, which I will address here so as to not hijack the other persons thread.
If your wife said this then it is only a matter of time before your marraige is over unless you do something dramatic.

You caught her cheating, yet you reward her cheating by doing all the heavy lifting to be a better husband and make the marraige work. She tells you to your face that she loves the other man and that he is her soul mate, and this makes you work even harder as she does nothing. She even has the nerve to tell you that she wants to continue talking to the other man (OM) but as just friends, even though you both know that they are not just friends. She has so little concern for you and your dignity that she openly discusses the OM with people that you know well enough that they copy you in to the texts. Bottom line is that your reactions to her cheating was so beta that she has lost all respect for you. She cannot love someone that she does not respect. What you are doing now is the exact opposite of what you should be doing.

As counter intuitive as this may seem to you, your best chance at keeping her is to leave her. With her telling you to date other women, it may be to late for this, but it is still your best chance. Also, if it is to end, why not go out like a man with your head held high? Lay down the law right now.

1) No more contacting the OM and she must tell you of all contacts that he tries to send her.
2) No more even asking to contact the OM.
3) She must agree to full transparency with no complaints. Passwords to everything.
4) She must acknowledge that she cheated and show sighs of remorse.
5) She must tell you what noticeable actions she intends to do to repair the marriage and actually implement these actions.
6) She must look you in the eye and commit to the marraige and making you number one in her life.

Do not let her continue to cake eat were she has you as a back up plan for security. If she does not agree to these items you must contact an attorney and file for divorce. This must be a wake up call to her to jar her out of the fantasy fog and into the reality of you leaving. No begging or pleading. You must mean it. Look up the 180 and follow it. She either comes back out of the fog or she does not, but at least you know where you stand. Sorry that you are here. Cheaters are liars and she is a cheater. Do not let her blame you. You are each 50%-50% responsible for your marraige. She is 100% responsible for her cheating and the end of your marraige if you divorce.

Monroe

I may have missed it... is the OM married? If so, expose to his BS.

Start doing the 180... see if it snaps her out of the fog.

Sorry you are here.

tacoma

No apparently he`s a single college kid.

The odds are against the OP's desires.

He should 180 and get on with life, she may react well to it, she may not.

He doesn't have a lot of leverage.