Thank you all for your wise responses. Racer, you said my husband's actions were
all self-serving and wreak of ‘entitled’ behavior regardless of and against any consideration of you. These are probably the same core ideals that allowed him to stray in the first place.
This is so true. You also said that his friend is almost irrelevant at this point and you were so right.
Someone mentioned a few months ago that I should be suspicious since he showed so little remorse or willingness to work on our marriage, and that I should do some more investigating . So I've been in major snoop mode since then (while keeping up my Stepford wife persona so he's not suspicious). And this is what I've found:
- He's been visiting tons of mobile porn sites, including one I'll call "AM" because for some reason I can't use the name on here, and xxxcupid.com, both internet membership sites for people looking to hook-up for affairs. He also seems to have a couple of email accounts I am not aware of. (Only able to see the website data from iphone).
- There's a man registered on "AM" who I'm 90 percent sure is my husband (same city, age, weight, and writing style). I can see when this person is on-line, and all the times that he's logged in have coincided with times that my husband is available (he travels a lot, but I check in by phone or gps). I created several fake accounts to try and lure him in, but so far no luck (although he does take a look at my profiles).
- I asked him for the on-line password to our charge card so i could view our account statements and he seemed reluctant to give it to me. (Later I noticed that he changed it after he gave it to me.) We also receive monthly paper copies by mail, but the past few statements are missing from the stack. I'm thinking that he got rid of them because they show his membership payments to "AM." I can request copies of them from the bank, which I intend to do but I'm going away next week for five days and don';t want them to arrive while I'm away, so I'll have to order them when I return.
- I just discovered that some of his phone company records are on-line and so was able to see that his texting sky-rocketed last summer for about four months. No idea who he was texting at that time. Also saw that his data use on his iphone has increased substantially in the last few months.
- He has occasionally disappeared at strange times, e.g. he missed watching fireworks with the family because he apparently lost us in the crowd, but he was strangely not at all upset by this. Also he has taken his phone into the bathroom with him on occasion.
- He sometimes turns the ringer off on his phone and then pretends that he doesn't know why it doesn't ring.
- He isn't interested in using our laptops (they both have spectorsoft secretly installed) and keeps saying he wants an ipad which he knows can't be monitored.
The question is whether I should confront him now, or wait until I have definitive proof, i.e.the phone records. All of this investigating is taking its toll on me. I'm stressed, losing my appetite again, etc. But I don't want to confront him without hard evidence that makes denial impossible. When I asked him last week if he had been deleting things from his phone (I shouldn't have asked, I know), he immediately denied it and then had the audacity to say he was extremely offended that I would accuse him of lying. I let it go and pretended that I was just worried that about him starting it up again with the OW at work.
I'm thinking I will meet with him, tell him that I have some concerns and would like to ask him some questions. I'll tell him that I already know the answers to some of them, and I'll therefore know if he is being completely truthful or not---and if he lies, I will be through with our marriage. I will never accept lies again. If he comes clean, I'll tell him that I can see from his actions he is no longer interested in having a monogamous marriage with me, and that he is free to pursue other women, but of course I will not be in his life if he does. If he is truthful I will need time to digest whatever it is he tells me, but I'm wondering how I'll ever be able to trust him again.
And if he gives me the email and "AM" passwords I'm immediately going on-line and changing them. Last time he deleted everything before I had a chance to see it--that won't happen again.
I'm feeling pretty strong right now. Anybody have any suggestions or comments about this? They'd be greatly appreciated. Thanks!