The BS does all the work! - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 04:54 AM Thread Starter
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The BS does all the work!

Together 23 years, married for 18 years.

I have been given the ILYB speech in October. Since found out that husband was fb and texting OW. All contact has stopped since I have given article on how EA starts. I am grateful for this. Prior to ILYB speech I have been very controlling and angry towards my husband. I am currently in IC husband has refused to come or consider any MC.

I have been hurt and betrayed. My problem is that I feel I am doing all the work but recieving very little in return. I have the need for constant intimacy and sex.

It is only since Feb that H has started holding me, hugging etc. and sex only resumed back in March but very infrequently. I have done the sexy texts, pics, lingerie, toys etc. It is me that initiates every time and H has asked me to stop most of the time because he is tired or does not want to.

When I have asked him about this he states he still finds me attractive etc, but I feel undesired/ unwanted etc and is beginning to cloud my thinking negatively and triggering me about his EA. I am thinking if it was her, H would do this or that. Any insight help, advice? Thanks.
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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 08:05 AM
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Re: The BS does all the work!

Do you think he is like this because of his EA?
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 08:20 AM
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Re: The BS does all the work!

I had to gather your story from your other posts. OW is an ex coworker who confided her marital problems to your WH, is that correct? The typical "damsel in distress, please save me" routine. He then friended her on facebook and that's how the affair started.

And now, even after DDay last October, he's STILL emotionally and sexually withdrawn from you.

What have you been doing to verify NC? Has a NC letter ever been sent by him? Did you ever install a keylogger like Web Watcher? How about a VAR? If he has an iPhone, did you ever get into the back up files? Because to to me, since he's still emotionally and sexually withdrawn from you, indicates that the affair is still on and that they have simply taken it underground.

What consequences have you shown him? Have you filed for divorce?
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 08:46 AM
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Re: The BS does all the work!

MC:

The affair is not about sex per say. It's about new sex and the high of a new romance.

No long term marriage can compete with someone who has unrealistic expectations of a marriage and seeks this high with strangers.

My STBEH claimed it was all about sex but my STBEH always had a low sex drive. I put up with it without complaint because to me marriage is about more things than just sex.

After DDay he complained to one counselor that I seemed less interested in sex.

And, I did, but that was because he seemed uninterested in sex. And when we did have sex it was not very romantic.

With the OW, he was very romantic, so he can be if he wants to. With me he simply refused.

In any case, after some counseling we started having sex regularly, but he was not interested very often and often had difficulty performing.

I read somewhere that a man with sexual difficulties and a weak ego is prone to affairs because the shear excitement of the newness and illicitness of the affairs is such a colossal high that they can actual perform well with the affair partner.

Still, I was somewhat sex starved too, but I did not take the bait from flirtatious men I often met as a fitness instructor.

I loved my husband, and to me a little bit of sexual excitement was not worth ruining my marriage over.
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 08:47 AM
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Re: The BS does all the work!

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Originally Posted by mc1234 View Post
I have the need for constant intimacy and sex.
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You're experiencing hysterical bonding. I am dealing with the same problem.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with lordmayhem, the EA is still going on to some degree. You have to verify. Did your H give you full transparency? Is he open to answer your questions at any time? Or is he still secretive about is phone and FB account?

Without his help, you cannot fix it.
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 09:10 AM
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Re: The BS does all the work!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Owyn View Post
You're experiencing hysterical bonding. I am dealing with the same problem.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with lordmayhem, the EA is still going on to some degree. You have to verify. Did your H give you full transparency? Is he open to answer your questions at any time? Or is he still secretive about is phone and FB account?

Without his help, you cannot fix it.
That's a great link, please read it.

I particularly like this quote:

Then, as quickly as it appeared, it vanished, leaving a shaking, incoherent, grief-stricken me...wondering what the hell that was all about. And, by the way, ewwwww...

The "EWWWWW" part really hit home.

After the Hysterical part vanished, the act made me feel queasy. I sometimes wanted to vomit thinking about where he had recently put that thing. And emotionally I felt ashamed of myself for having sex with him, instead of booting him pronto.

Perhaps that is a normal feeling for all BS's at some point during R.
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 09:13 AM
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Re: The BS does all the work!

Just one thing: If you are the BS and doing all the work, I wouldn't consider that a true reconciliation.
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 06:34 PM
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Re: The BS does all the work!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sara8 View Post
I felt ashamed of myself for having sex with him, instead of booting him pronto.

Perhaps that is a normal feeling for all BS's at some point during R.
Spot on Sara. I'm sure we've all been through that shame feeling. I sure have. I still struggle with it.
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 07:05 PM
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Re: The BS does all the work!

I have been given the ILYB speech in October. Since found out that husband was fb and texting OW. All contact has stopped

Please don't shoot the messenger. Given what you have posted here, I sincerely doubt that all contact has stopped.

husband has refused to come or consider any MC.

I feel I am doing all the work but recieving very little in return.

It is only since Feb that H has started holding me, hugging etc. and sex only resumed back in March but very infrequently. I have done the sexy texts, pics, lingerie, toys etc. It is me that initiates every time and H has asked me to stop most of the time because he is tired or does not want to.

These are all right out of the cheater's playbook.

When I have asked him about this he states he still finds me attractive etc

Talk is cheap. And when it comes out of a cheater's mouth, usually a lie.

Any insight help, advice? Thanks

Your husband is having an affair with the other woman. This is textbook behavior, following the cheater's script to a T.

Try to figure out when, where, and how he is meeting with and talking to the other woman. Put a voice-activated recorder in his car, keylog his computer, look around to see if you can find a burner phone.

Even if he is not cheating on you, and I am saying that only to humor you, because I really feel strongly that he is, but even if he is not, why is he staying married to you? Why would he want to live in a sexless, passionless marriage with a woman he supposedly is attracted to but never wants to have sex with or show affection to? Why not divorce?

The reason is because he is having an affair, spending all that love and sex and affection somewhere else, and using you to hold down the home front, provide stability, take care of the kids (if you have them), etc. Does any other explanation make sense given what you have posted here?
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 07:24 PM
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Re: The BS does all the work!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DawnD View Post
Just one thing: If you are the BS and doing all the work, I wouldn't consider that a true reconciliation.
This needs to be repeated.

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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-20-2012, 12:01 AM
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Re: The BS does all the work!

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Originally Posted by Beowulf View Post
This needs to be repeated.
But they hardly ever listen. We've seen these False R threads before. The next thread will be "I'm done!" or something to that effect. Everyone has their limit where they can't take it anymore.
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-20-2012, 12:08 AM
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Re: The BS does all the work!

It sounds like he has taken the affair underground.

Look for a throw away phone.... briefcase, under the drivers seat in his car, gym bag, in a pocket of an old pair of jeans hidden in the closet.

Put a VAR in the car.
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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-20-2012, 02:55 AM Thread Starter
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I have been kurking on here for quite a while so know were a lot of you are coming from.

I have full transparency, passwords etc and am able to look at his phone etc whenever I want. Also have control of his accounts so I can see what monies etc is going in and out and nothing here is amiss. I genuinely believe that he is no longer in contact. I can account for all his time.

H is very affectionate with handholding, cuddling etc but not of the sexual front. He texts me everyday and is loving, but I think I am dwelling of the sex front more than I should. I have explained to H last night that I need sex from him more than our current once a week. When I feel rejected undesired etc, it triggers big time all the things he use to do for her and how much he was at his beck and call. I need to let this go but find it difficult.

H has not written a no contact letter and the day she tried to text him 4 times in one hour H told me about and we deleted her off his phone. I know that he could of memorised the number.

H is willing to talk to me whenever I ask but he tells me I am overanalysing things. For me, I don't think he realises how much he has hurt me as in his mind he did not have a EA, just helping out a friend in trouble. OW was going through a court custody case. It then spiralled to asking him about female problems and getting him to source things for her, asking to get her BF a job etc...
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-20-2012, 02:56 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
I had to gather your story from your other posts. OW is an ex coworker who confided her marital problems to your WH, is that correct? The typical "damsel in distress, please save me" routine. He then friended her on facebook and that's how the affair started.

And now, even after DDay last October, he's STILL emotionally and sexually withdrawn from you.

What have you been doing to verify NC? Has a NC letter ever been sent by him? Did you ever install a keylogger like Web Watcher? How about a VAR? If he has an iPhone, did you ever get into the back up files? Because to to me, since he's still emotionally and sexually withdrawn from you, indicates that the affair is still on and that they have simply taken it underground.

What consequences have you shown him? Have you filed for divorce?
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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-20-2012, 03:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The BS does all the work!

Lord Mayhem, you are right about OW being the 'damsel in distress', D day wasn't October, but the ILYB speech was. I was devasted and did all the stupid things this site tell you not to (I wish I had this site then!), cried, begged etc.

I did not discover the texting until later but did not ask him to stop. That was a big mistake, as this was when the texting intensified. At this point he told me he felt empty and needed to find himself.

I told him to give us 100% commitment to try and a few months and after that if he wants to walk away, I will let him go with grace. It was not until end of Nov that the texting declined. We were still very far from each other at this point and their was no intimacy at all. H was still sleeping in the spare room and would not let me touch him at all.

I did not feel his committment until Jan when I asked him to come back to our bedroom. H was sleeping right at the edge of the bed. Feb was when we started to hold hands etc. Sex resumed in March. During this time, H never gave me promises or false hope, he always said that when we did come together it was because he let me have 'his all' his words.

I know put me on a pedestal during our time and I never appreciated him, I am not justifying his actions, but he told me I put him in a very dark place with my anger and verbal abuse. he also told me, I would of treated him better if he told me to F*** off, rather than try to love me more. I admit to calling him some very destructive belittling things which I am not proud of. In Sept. I actually was quite horrble called him some names and asked for a divorce as he wasn't man enough. I am cringing as I type these words and think what I have done.

This is a bit of background, we both admit we are responsible for our behaviours leading upto the EA.

Part of me wants him to love me like he used to, and I think that's why I want him more sexually now.
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