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confused - hurt - angry - did I mention confused?

22K views 70 replies 40 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 · (Edited)
So...very long story made extremely short. Married 18.5 years. I was inattentive and not very "there" for about a year prior. Wife established a secret email account, looked up people on Craigslist. Met at least 3 of them - supposedly never did anything other than kiss one. Met a 4th and had a sexual affair with him. I discovered it a month later when I am in her main email account and see an email from her to an unknown address with a pic of herself. I hack the account and discover what's been going on and confront her with it. The guy she f****d is a family therapist, of all things! G*d d**n!!! I have more detail than anyone should ever be allowed to have - I've grilled her for 2 months about it, detail after detail. I know when, where, how, how long, how much, what, and anything and everything in between.

Fast forward 2.5 months. We've argued, fought, said ugly things, I've made threats. We are attempting to reconcile. We are seeing a "real" therapist. We still live together, sleep together, make love together, go to church together, deal with our children together, etc.

Now is where this gets weird. About our sex life - we are pretty racy. Nothing bizarre, just lots of dirty talk, no limits on orifices or frequency. Our sex life has always been like this. And, probably, a little more so since the affair. ...I still haven't gotten to the weird part yet... So, we occasionally watch porn and fantasize. Recently, within the past couple weeks, we've been fantasizing about involving another woman. We've gone so far as to seek someone out. We are very religious people. I am the leader in my home and the final say on things. Either one of us has the ability to "tap out" if we decide we don't want to follow through with this "thing."

On one hand, I think we shouldn't do this due to the moral implications. On the other hand, this is her 2nd sexual affair and 6th or 7th emotional affair. (There were multiple "friends" on Craigslist that she was emotionally intimate with.) Honestly? I feel a little justified in going ahead ad pursuing this 3some. I am confused and can't make up my mind which way to go.

Posting this here (hopefully in the right area) to seek the advise of others in an anonymous way. Hopefully, folks will feel free to be open and honest. Let me know your thoughts, but please don't crucify me. I'm being honest here.
 
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#4 ·
Yeah, dude...I hate to be a downer, but she probably did more with the other guys than she let on to. I'm not saying that to be a jerk, either. I'm saying that because what you are experiencing is called trickle truth. When the wayward spouse tells you something but it isn't the entire truth that you need or deserve. Yes, she told you about the counselor guy. Which is a big no no in his profession and if it were me, I'd seek legal counsel against him - but that's another story.

Three some. Hmmm..again, that's a slippery slope. Pardon the pun. While it is definitely nice to have fantasy, you have to be fully prepared to deal with the reality once it's lying there spread eagle for you to "enjoy".

If it were me, and I'll be honest - having another chick with my wife and me would be awesome! However, it probably isn't the right time to involve someone else in an otherwise messy (there I go again) situation.
 
#5 ·
Three some's usually do not end well in a relationship. It sounds like you want to have a revenge affair and have hit on this as a 'safe' way to have one... plus she would have to watch you do this so it might be even more appealing.

I assume you are up for a wmw type 3some. How about a mwm 3some? You game for that as well?
 
#6 ·
"..Religion is the opiate of the masses.."
Karl Marx.

I don't think that there is a nexus between the OP delima and his religion. Everybody professes to believe in something. Even the Atheist and the Agnostic.
The OP is asking why is he feeling this way?
Maybe it is because he has lost faith after facing betrayal after betrayal in what he believed in.
Sounds like he is in a downward spiral to me........
 
#29 ·
There's another bit of confusion. I certainly want to. Let me do you one better - not only did she have sex with a family therapist, it was in his office. There's certainly a considerable more amount of concern, hurt, and anger over that. :mad:

However, if I did report him, it would hurt not just him, but his wife and children as well. I don't want to cause anyone else the kind of pain I've gone through and think to report him would do exactly that to his wife. Feel free to chime in here...
 
#8 ·
:FIREdevil: I lost my religion a long time ago. You said that you and the wife are very religious, yet you want to do things that most organized religion preaches against? I'm not one to judge because I think I've led a very sheltered existence. In fact, in one of ex's email conversations to the OM she said that I was too conservative. So be it. Realize that in threesomes there's always a third wheel and don't be surprised if you end up being it. WOW! :FIREdevil:
 
#9 ·
Is the OP real or fiction? I can't help but think it is the latter...

How many religious people go every orifice without inhibitions or limits? How many religious men would decide to have sex with the wife after she looked for sex on craigslist, AND has an even more colorful sex life afterwards? And finally, how many religious men would decide to strongly consider having a threesome after his spouse cheated on him with multiple men?

If they are very religious and Christian, then I strongly, strongly doubt that anal sex is even a part of the equation, and oral sex is likely only for a short period of time only. Deeply religious Christians would believe that you could only ejaculate in the vagina and that anywhere else is a sin.
 
#12 ·
If he is a Christian he has no right to proclaim his headship when he brought porn into the relationship and then was surprised that she figured she could ignore other sexual sins. Then he compounds it with wanting to have a threesome? This guys trolling or he is the most uncommitted Christian I've come across. Is she 100% to blame for the affair? You bet. Should he be surprised? Absolutely not! You reap what you sew.
Wouldn't have made the comment had he not made such a big deal out of saying he was religious.
 
#16 ·
Answering multiple questions here:

-never said I introduced porn...that was an assumption on your part.
-no, it's not a troll. It's a sincere request for thoughts.
-religion=Christian. Heavily involved, church 3x per week, church activities, etc
-regarding orifices, no guilt or shame. We believe all is ok within the marriage.
-again, please no crucifying over the hypocricy angle. We're already conflicted over it (the 3some)
-what type? FMF. MFM is a NO!
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#17 ·
Sincere thought, you can not claim Christ and continue your lifestyle. If you are truly a Christian you know that. You will not be allowed to continue without the guilt. You will be torn apart. If you are a Christian you don't even need to ask what to do unless you are sleeping through the time you are at church 3X a week. I only approach this the way I am because you have said you are a brother. I have to speak truth to you because I am accountable to do so. You do realize that you are accountable for not only your actions but your failure to lead your family correctly. For the love of God stop it. Your not conflicted your convicted.
 
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#18 ·
This is an extremely bad idea. Please stay away. Sex is between 2 people only otherwise, we'd have 2 or more private parts each.
Sex can be between more than two consenting adults. Don't let your bias prejudice you against adult that chose things different from your view point. (Me, I prefer one on one sex, but I would definitely consider two willing females.)

Edit: I would never consider threesomes while married. That really IS asking for trouble.
 
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#21 ·
Hey Count, I don't give the same advise to those who don't openly say they are of my faith. You don't come from the same vantage point so naturally won't see it from mine. But, this guy is putting himself out there as one of us. I'm not going to be one of those people who look the other way because the rest of the world can see that some of us are hypocrites. Instead I true to point out that this is not the way a follower is to behave and would hope someone who is a follower would do the same with me if I were to bring shame to the One I follow.
 
#23 · (Edited)
Since when 3somes are okay for people who claim to be religious and since when religion says marriage is about three and not two?

I have yet to read where in the Bible it says everything is okay within marriage.

Or it comes down to how people define "everything"?
 
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#25 ·
I am the leader in my home and the final say on things.



On one hand, I think we shouldn't do this due to the moral implications. On the other hand, this is her 2nd sexual affair and 6th or 7th emotional affair. (There were multiple "friends" on Craigslist that she was emotionally intimate with.) Honestly? I feel a little justified in going ahead ad pursuing this 3some. I am confused and can't make up my mind which way to go.

Obviously you don't have the final say on your wife's infidelity,considering her past.From my perspective,a threesome at this point would only add fuel to the fire that is already burning down your marriage.I get the moral implications as it could also be viewed almost like moral turpitude depending on the moral standards expected in your personal Christian community.Guess it also depends what you value there.Take care.
 
#26 ·
Fast forward 2.5 months. We've argued, fought, said ugly things, I've made threats. We are attempting to reconcile. We are seeing a "real" therapist. We still live together, sleep together, make love together, go to church together, deal with our children together, etc.
On the surface, this looks good. To anyone casually looking at your relationship you both are keeping up appearances at being a committed couple.

So, we occasionally watch porn and fantasize. Recently, within the past couple weeks, we've been fantasizing about involving another woman. We've gone so far as to seek someone out. We are very religious people. I am the leader in my home and the final say on things. Either one of us has the ability to "tap out" if we decide we don't want to follow through with this "thing."

On one hand, I think we shouldn't do this due to the moral implications. On the other hand, this is her 2nd sexual affair and 6th or 7th emotional affair. (There were multiple "friends" on Craigslist that she was emotionally intimate with.) Honestly? I feel a little justified in going ahead ad pursuing this 3some. I am confused and can't make up my mind which way to go.
You've already made the decision and taken steps to make this a reality. Honestly this isn't typical behavior of a couple attempting to reconcile their marriage. Connecting and reestablishing core intimacy, in and out of the bedroom, by focusing on each other by NOT engaging in fantasy or real lovers. You are asking a forum of complete strangers for permission or validation of your intent to continue involving lovers in your marriage. Have you gathered up a group of your peers and family members to pose the same question? What would their answer be?

This isn't a religious or morality question at all, IMHO. The questions you and your wife NEED to be asking yourselves are:
Is this what I had in mind as a fulfilling marriage?
Am I being faithful and dealing with a loving heart and conscious with what my spouse requires for him/her to have a fulfilling marriage?
Am I being selfish?
Am I being honest with my spouse?
Am I being honest with myself?
 
#27 ·
On one hand, I think we shouldn't do this due to the moral implications. On the other hand, this is her 2nd sexual affair and 6th or 7th emotional affair. (There were multiple "friends" on Craigslist that she was emotionally intimate with.) Honestly? I feel a little justified in going ahead ad pursuing this 3some. I am confused and can't make up my mind which way to go.

Posting this here (hopefully in the right area) to seek the advise of others in an anonymous way. Hopefully, folks will feel free to be open and honest. Let me know your thoughts, but please don't crucify me. I'm being honest here.
The answer is way to easy. A marriage is between two people and two people only, not three, not four, not seven - well, you get the picture.

Craigslist? Are you serious?

When a couple decides to bring others into the intimacy of a marriage, it is doomed, period. There is no justification. There is no excuse. And, no matter how you try to dress it up, it is still morally wrong. You know this.
 
#30 ·
Sex is not only for making children, if so we need to engage in sex only once in a year, doing it other time is sin. sex in a marriage is for pleasure, its a way to show our love, care and intimacy. I dont believe that god keep a book to record, in which hole he is doing daily. Dont mix religion with everything. He is a believer of god doesn't mean that he cant do anal or oral with his wife.

Then about the threesome, threesome or more some it is definitely troublesome in a marriage. Its good to have fantasy but if you try to make it real it will bring trouble.

She is a serial cheater without any moral don't scoop into her level.
 
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