It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-20-2012, 11:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

Following up on my previous post here A tale of emasculation. this needs it's own thread. As it transpired today, the affair with another woman was simply BS. We went out tonight, got a baby sitter, and decided we would talk it through, see where we where headed and try and look at all the angles. Now it went well initially, but took a turn when we where discussing what to do after our current drink.
She said well do you just want to go home, because I'm not...pretty shocked, I stood up and told her I would leave, and in a tone of voice that I will never forget she said, 'ha you won't leave me' with that I left, walked away, hoping she would follow. Like a whoss, but aware she had no money I text her that I would pay for her taxi home. I got on a bus to find a hotel, in agony. She text a few times, and stupidly I got off the bus, and we met on the corner. Went and had another drink elsewhere and the conversation ended with me walking away stating if you want me, follow, if you don't, don't.
She did come, but in no hurry and waddled over. We walked in the direction of our home, and talked more, she broke down and was all 'I love you, I want to make it work' etc.
NOW cue a text message....she said it'll just be her friend (double barrelled name), she pulls it out her pocket, glanced at the screen and said 'yep just double barrelled named friend'. I saw it to, she quickly back peddled and said another friend. That's when the red flags came up good and proper. I asked her why she lied about who it was, and she denied she did, it was pathetic, but not as pathetic as me, I begged her to show me the message, she went with the 'I'm not showing you every text that I get, I can't live like that' but given what she had told me, and the blatant lie, I would of assumed it would of been appropriate.
I told her that I know there's more to it, and pleaded with her to tell me, that it was killing me, and it wasn't fair, she swore black and blue, there was nothing (that's the worst part for me) This went on for some time, in the street of all places.
I knew she was hiding more from me. I was in a tremendous amount of pain, and I turned to walk away, she would of let me too, I turned back to her for the last time, ran and asked her one last time, in all my vulnerable glory.. still denial, then out of nowhere, ego perhaps, or desperation i don't know, but I pulled her close and we went old school kids in a park, we ran toward home to follow through.
As we where running I told her to text the baby sitter, tell her to get ready to leave as we where close to home, and needed privacy. Out comes the phone, pass lock, and yoink, now I had the phone, she literally turned and ran away.
I looked at the screen - guys name - read it and there where a few 'where are you babe' and one that she sent him, while I had left the bar 'on my own, town or not x' there you have it. She was stringing me along, ready to fall back with this other guy, half happy I had left.
I had to be very careful not to let the last 7 years of being treated like a ***** come out, and get angry, but instead I sought answers. I kept calm (somehow) and I came home, said goodnight to the sitter, and text him, saying he's welcome to her, and thank you, ****ing another mans wife isn't on though' he text back and apparently she told him we where divorced. We exchanged a few messages, and then a phone call, he told me it was going on for 7 days, and he was extremely apologetic.

This means that she has had sex with someone else, I actually feel pretty good, like a weights been lifted, my stomach is cramped, and I can't sleep a wink but at the moment, I'm ok. She has access to my bank, (unable to stop the card) and she had taken 60 from it shortly after she ran off. She's been gone hours now, and I don't know if she'll even come back, or god only knows what mood if she does.
I'm worried that the feeling of being re empowered with all that she had taken from me since I met her, won't last, that I'll end up a crying mess again, but one thing is for certain, my marriage is well and truly over. I don't know how to process that.
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Old 07-20-2012, 11:30 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

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I don't know how to process that.
I do... Have a party. You have just got rid of a dead weight in your life. Lucky you, all things considered.

And for once it seems the other guy was an innocent victim too.
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Old 07-20-2012, 11:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

I am so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you're doing all right. Keep posting when you feel the need, and good luck now that you're free!
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Old 07-20-2012, 11:39 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear this. From this and your other thread, the only thing you can do now is file for divorce and emotionally detach yourself. You say it is all over. Whether that is the case or not, the process you go through now is the same. Get yourself out of her life and see what happens.

Look after yourself, first and foremost. Even when it hurts, keep your dignity now.
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Old 07-20-2012, 11:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

Ahhh see now I don't feel so good. Already??! I don't know any other life than the one with her, we take on everything together, I don't want to believe she is so evil, I don't know how or don't want to face the reality.

Keep my dignity that resonated.
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Old 07-20-2012, 11:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

Please edit your post and split into paragraphs. I kept re-reading the same sentence. White spaces help.
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Old 07-20-2012, 11:55 AM   #7 (permalink)
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She is not evil, just broken. If you want to salvage the relationship you have to show her you are serious. At the moment she has absolutely no respect for you and women cannot stand a man who they do not respect. You MUST stand up to her, show her you are a man and refuse to take her cr*p. If you fail now, nothing will change.

Be strong. However much you are hurting inside, however much you want to cry, hug her, comfort her, you cannot do it.

Look after yourself. She will see your dignity if you can show it and keep it.
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Old 07-20-2012, 01:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

She sounds like a major renovation project that's going to take a lot of work. Are you willing to put forth the effort for something that might still not work out? If not, time to move on.
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Old 07-20-2012, 01:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

You got her phone good. Don't give it back until you've copied every messages and email.

Next today cut off her access to all money. Move it to a new account if you can't cancel her card.

Sorry she's done this to you. It was incredibly cold of her to be out with you ,playing you and texting him.

Don't believe his story of ignorance. See if you can track down the OMs info , find his fb page and see if he's in a relationship already with someone. Then expose hs cheating to his wife/gf
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Old 07-20-2012, 01:08 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

Some people simply aren't cut out for monogamy. Given her history, this is certainly the case. Expect A LOT of trickle truthing in the weeks ahead.
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Old 07-20-2012, 01:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

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Out comes the phone, pass lock and yoink, now I had the phone, she literally turned and ran away.
What a cowardly scumbag!!! If there was one thing you did right, it was grabbing her cell and talking to the OM.

No more Mr.Nice guy. Read that book. You have major problems with your behavior.
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Old 07-20-2012, 01:33 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

You know what you married, she's acting true to form. You need to cut your losses now and not waste any more of your lifes energy on her. You don't have to keep paying for a mitake you made in your youth.
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Old 07-20-2012, 02:45 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

Oh, and get tested for STD's too.
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Old 07-20-2012, 03:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

Process it like you do any death...yes this is a death of a marriage!

You will grieve and mourn and you will move on. Just like when our loved one pass away, we go on living.

So go dark with your WW she has a lot to learn about what will make her happy in the long run. Right now protect your emotions and do a 180.

The 180 will help you disengage your emeotions and soon the indifference you have for her will come natural. It just takes time and sure you will have some relaps, just don't let her know.

See every time you engage her you *will* go back to squeare one with you emotions and the torture will start all over.

The more distance from her, the more time, the less pain...get it?

Bets revenge right now is showing her and others how confident you really are in leaving her. Showing her and others how positive you are in moving forward with out her. How happy you are that the wieght has been lifted.

The best revenge is showing her and others how your STBXW will no longer bring out the worst in you.

Go work out, take some time off of work, do some things for your self like a hair cut some new cloths a mini vacation by your self.

The best thing right now is getting your head clear with out her influencing you so go get away for a bit with out her.
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Old 07-20-2012, 04:43 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: It wasn't a girl she cheated with!?

Bloody Hell, mate! What a horrible thing she has done to you!

We'll be here for you, as you know.

Work out your next steps.
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