Wow..This guy is in so much denial that it scares me. And he has the white knight syndrome and wants to fix her. This will end bad, real bad!!
OP, find out how long this has been going on. Get all the details. Get access to her email and Facebook. It is likely that she did stuff with him that she always denied you. The truth of the affair will come over a period of time and each time a new truth comes out, it will break your hear again and again.
Inform the OM's wife immediately. Most affairs stop and start many times. Just like an addict who relapses, an affair is an addiction your wife can relapse into.
1 year is too short in to the marriage. Get an annulment and start dating again(with her) if you want to. Get a post-nup. Don't have kids anytime in the next few years until the trust is re-established.
1st---don't get into the mindset, that this counselor, is gonna just wave a wand, and have all the answers, and everything will work out---there are counselors, and there are counselors
This boils down to what one person, and one person only wants/needs to decide---YOU
You are the one that has to live the rest of your life with this woman, you are the one that has to look at/touch/talk to---her the rest of your life---It boils down to will these things happen in a life of misery, or can you truly live with her, and enjoy some sort of a decent happy life----No counselor, can decide that for you---only YOU can decide that for you.
What we do know is that, your wife had some problems in the mge., but instead of truly trying to work them out with the man she has lived with for 6 yrs, the man she married, the man that said he had her back---she said screw you H., I am gonna handle my problems by taking a lover, and relieving my situation that way
OK, so she took her lover, and what did you get out of it---you now have lack of trust, gone is your carefree lifestyle, gone is your peace of mind, you will now become a parole officer, from now on for the rest of the time you stay with her, if anything out of the ordinary occurs, or something you don't like happens, your antennea will rise, and then you are gonna go thru this whole process all over again---IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU WANT
You definitely know one thing, your wife knows how to lie/connive/manipulate/ decieve----can you truthfully tell me, she hasn't already cheated on you prior to your wedding, while you were together---NO YOU CAN'T, cuz you didn't even know this present A. existed---till she slipped up
Question was put to you before---when, timewise, after the A., was, possibly, over, did the request to the advise column go out.
You will do what you want, we are only those who give you our take on things---you seem to want to throw out excuse after excuse, on every point given you, about what to do
You need to stop throwing out the excuses, take it all in, take plenty of time, and figure it out for yourself
But know this---if you decide to R., her job dissapears as of yesterday, money or no money
You need to also make her sign a post--nup, she needs to learn to communicate, and not push away your attempts to help---and the biggest factor at this point, why IS SHE CLINGING to you
Is it cuz she doesn't wanna face the world on her own, or does she really want this to work out----Please do not tell me how she loves you---one who loves another, does not knowingly do what she did to you----at your point in this mge. 5 months in, when this all probably started---no matter what problems the 2 of you had---there should have been no one else---early part of a mge, the spouses, are starry-eyed lovers, and no one else in the worl even exists to the two newly marrieds---your wife, what does she do, she decided due to some problems in the mge, that she would justify happily/willingly taking another man inside of her, AT A TIME IN THE MGE. WHEN NO OTHER MAN SHOULD HAVE EVEN EXISTED TO HER
You got a long hard row to hoe---good luck to you, you are gonna need it.
alias, we have seen many people like you come and post in this forum just like you are. Your situation is not unique.
There are some bitter people on this website, but so far, none of those have posted on this thread.
The people posting on this thread have seen people like you come and go and come back to these forums. They are speaking not only from their own experience, but from the experiences of others that have posted here.
That experience is available to you anytime you want to look. Take a look at the other threads here, now and in the past, and you will see what works and what doesn't work when it comes to dealing with infidelity. I don't think there's a single thread on here where the betrayed spouse got the full truth right away. Many times, the real truth turned out to be quite a bit worse than the original story.
If you do look at the other threads here, you will realize that cheaters act remarkably similar to each other. Betrayed spouses also act remarkably similar to each other.
The cheaters always minimize what happened, shorten the time frames, downplay how physical the affair became, downplay the feelings expressed to each other, and just generally lie. People here refer to it as trickle truth. As good of liars that the cheaters are while they are hiding the affair from you, they are almost as bad liars after you have found out. They tell stories that don't make a bit of sense.
We out here in cyberspace, who have no preconceived assumptions of how honest and good your spouse is, usually can quite easily see how the story does not make sense and poke a lot of holes in it.
Cheaters lie. A good place to start after discovering an affair is to assume the cheater is lying unless the cheater's actions matches the cheater's words. At the very least, be skeptical and do not automatically assume your cheater is telling you the truth.
The problem is, the betrayed spouse usually has the cheater on a pedestal and is blinded by both the cheater's sterling past reputation and the betrayed spouse's own wishful thinking, not wanting to believe that their wonderful spouse could do such a thing. To listen to many betrayed spouses post here, even after they know their spouse is a liar and a cheater, you would think that they were about to build a statue of the cheater in front of the Museum of Honesty the way the betrayed spouses tell it.
Many betrayed spouses don't seem to be able to see how their cheater's story is full of holes until later on, when they find out more and more omitted or lied about details, a little at a time. That is called trickle truth.
If you want to see if your wife's story makes sense, get all the key details. Find out the history of the affair, from the first thought in your wife's head that she was attracted to the other man, to the first inappropriate comment from either of them, to the first time she knew she was going to have sex with him, to what she was thinking about you while all of this was going on. Then, put yourself in her shoes. Sit down, spend about an hour or two, and become her. Make believe you are her, go through her actions in your head, and see if they make sense.
what's NC, no contact? and LordMayhem, I appreciate your frank advice, any advice is good advice, but why are you so sure? Sounds like you had a bad experience too and are bitter. Care to enlighten me?
Yes, NC means No Contact. Read the link for newbies in my signature. There's a wealth of information in that thread, including all the common acronyms used on the board that have to deal with infidelity.
I've been betrayed too, but I'm not bitter, just experienced. In fact, everyone here has been involved infidelity, either as a BS, a WS, or both (mad hatter).
Originally Posted by alias
Not all cheaters are bad people, my wife included, she is just in a very very bad place.
Agreed. Not all cheaters are bad people, and not all BSs are good people either. She's in a bad place because she chose to be, in spite of you trying to help her. It was not a mistake either. She willingly and willfully took each step towards banging another man. Think about it. All the lies that she said, all the actions that she took, all culminating in her spreading her legs for her coworker and then hiding it from you and lying about it.
Originally Posted by alias
Still leaning towards leaving, just not sure yet - we have a marriage counseling session scheduled for Tues. Waiting to see how that goes.
Originally Posted by alias
I am here at least til the end of the month regardless. Just found out Wednesday so it's fresh -
Indeed. Look up the stages of grief. You're in the initial shock and denial stage. Your first instinct right now is to save your marriage at all costs. Eventually this will fade and you will become angry once the reality finally hits you.
Originally Posted by alias
I asked her to leave her job and she is looking into options - we don't have a ton of money so quitting on the spot is a little risky...
There is only one option - and that is to leave her job. At the very minimum, she should be looking for another job, which she should be doing at this moment. The job market is ONLINE, so she should be on the computer right now searching for a job, not on facebook or any other program talking to another man.
i've thought about this too. it's better if she contacts her? i was thinking of doing it myself, as i know the woman. she knows already about the texts, which both my wife and the guy played off to us as "inappropriate flirting", but i assume she does not know the extent. he does also not know that i know the whole (or as much as i know) truth. i am thinking of waiting til i make a final decision to tell her / have my wife tell her though...
I suggest she write the letter and you read it and deliver it. that means your wife had to throw her lover under the bus (good!) and it means you know it got to the OMW.
Shaggy - how do you suggest I tell for certain then? She says she is willing to do anything, has contacted a bunch of counselors, started searching for other work options (though hasn't pulled the trigger on quitting current job). We're even contemplating a big move to get away from it all. This is all new - just starting to weigh my options. Counseling on Tues, we go from there...
Her leaving her job is both an act of faith in the marriage, but also her showing she ending the affair.
Will you be bankrupt if she quits monday or just broke? Broke you can live with, it's cheaper than D.
fuseleer's wife had 3 miscarriages in one year, plus her grandfather died. So some 6 months later, she reconnected with an old school friend and lied up and down to her husband and said he was just a friend. That she was depressed, etc. Then he found some emails detailing the sexual nature of the affair, after she had lied and said she'd cut ties to the OM. He was none the wiser up to that point. (The OM is a criminal under house arrest at his parents'!)
The point is, bad things happen to people. And they happen to everyone. If they explained affairs, we'd all be having 'em. But we don't. Plenty of women have eating disorders and low self-esteem, and they don't cheat. It gives those disorders a reputation they don't deserve, they're bad enough as it is.
Events like these help us understand the WS, but as I hope you see now, they never justify affairs. You might as well say, our house burned down, or our daughter has cancer, or I was bored. The reasons only matter insofar as they get the damaged person understanding that they ARE loveable and stop trying to prove otherwise. That takes the work of an excellent counselor; each human being has to learn self-love and self-respect for themselves. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm very suspicious that the affair didn't fully end since she claims it was in March - 4 months ago and actually longer than the claimed time line for the affair, yet she's writing advice columns?
You still haven't mentioned what the letter was about.
Heck, he still hasn't explained how he found out about her writing to the advice column, if it was and EA or PA, etc. He's more interested in explaining her ED.
But yes, I agree. The affair allegedly ended in March, yet he only found out a few days ago that she's sending a letter to an advice column. There is a 4 month discrepancy here. This does not make sense....unless the affair is still on, which wouldn't be surprising.
It's part of the cheater script that when confronted on DDay, the WS will claim the affair was already over, and this is just the beginning of the trickle truth. The reality is usually the affair is underground.
she claims it was off an on and ended in March, but it is hard to believe. I first knew something was up when I found suspicious and suggestive text messages (mid June)
Asuming March date is true a milestone (they always lie, and minimize the whole thing) it means last time they f0cked. Obviously the EA was still full force by Jun when you busted it, at the very least. If you keep diggin (not asking her, but on your own, PC/phone/Bank) you will get a better picture. It also means the date Nov she gave it was also just the start of the PA; she doesn't count the flirty -innapropiate behavior-EA previous to the full blown PA, nor likely making out sessions, etc. Who knows if this was going on around your wedding date, or even before. Keep digging. She needs to come clean, to pull a calendar and start writing a timeline.
Another thing. She not only has to come clean about this affair, I suspect she has no boundaires and behave innppropiately at a dayly basis. Educate your self about EAs, read Not just friends (she should too) nad ask her to come clean. I also suspect she has a story of cheating before you. She needs to face it as a whole thing.
Tell BW, asap.
Your wife is dealing with those issues since early adolescence. How much time are you willing to wait to believe she's "fixed". Is it possible for her to stop being a cheater with those deep rooted issues? her tendency to get afirmed by males using sex is something huge to overcome.
2 years ago: "spending more and more time with other people (friends, coworkers, just going out) when I am not home, which was a lot the past two years" Did the affair start this far back, when the first red flags appeared? That is what many looking at this thread are going to suspect.
1 year ago: Got married. Perhaps not recognizing red flag of spending more time with other people, or rationalizing it.
8 months ago: Started affair. "It dates back to November-ish (4 1/2 months after the wedding!)" November-ish? She can't remember when? Sounds like she may be minimizing here. What is November-ish? October? September? December of the previous year? You've known for sure about this since Wednesday, your cheater should at least have been able to tell you when it started by now. Sounds like she may be trying to leave this vague, like she may not want to be pinned down on the starting date. I don't think it's a good sign. Why did she start the affair?
4 months ago (March): Affair ended (so she says). "she claims it was off an on and ended in March, but it is hard to believe." I have to agree with you, it is hard to believe.
Who ended the affair and why?
If the affair did end in March, why did you find inappropriate communications in June, and why was she writing a letter to an advice column three days ago?
If you didn't catch the affair on your own, was she ever going to tell you about it? Would she continue to work with the other man and let you and him hang out together, and act all friendly with each other when you saw each other? Has she let you hang out with other man since the affair started, so you are there being very friendly with him while he is smiling back at you, laughing and joking with you, all the while smirking to himself that he is banging your wife? If so, how disrespectful to you!
One month ago (mid-June): You found suggestive texts, she and he both lied and denied an affair, both gave the same lie (did they plan on how to lie if they got caught?) (which, incidentally, is the same lie every cheater tells when their spouse finds a "suggestive" text - they always lie and say it was just flirting). You believed them. She stopped hanging out with him.
"I first knew something was up when I found suspicious and suggestive text messages (mid June), which I confronted both of them on and they both gave me the same story that it was a weird and admittedly inappropriate flirting scenario. I believed, she stopped hanging out with him (though they still work together)"
So, the affair was over in March, but she still was hanging out with him in mid-June? You know what we're going to say, right? Yeah, affair probably was still going on if they still were hanging out outside of work. Heck, it could still be going on to this day if they see each other at work. There's another thread right now where the cheating wife claimed she ended all contact but still worked with the other man and the husband (by placing a voice-activated recorder in her car) found out that his cheating wife was still giving the other man blowjobs in the parking lot where they work.
3 days ago (Wednesday July 18): You didn't really believe that your wife had told you the truth, because you "kept digging" and you found out your wife was writing a letter to an advice columnist about her affair.
She admitted the affair, but probably is minimizing. Do you want to know when the affair really started and when it really ended? Can your wife show you any proof of when it first started or when it ended? If you do want the truth, and your wife can't or won't show you proof (such as emails, texts, etc.), then the only way you may get the truth is through polygraph. Maybe what your wife has told you already is bad enough, and you don't care all that much if she is minimizing. You have to live with it, not us.
"I discovered that my wife was having an affair through a letter that she was writing to an advice column. I confronted her immediately and she has admitted it and is entirely remorseful and we are both pretty devastated. Our one year anniversary was this month - I know, shockingly soon, not that it is ever OK. "
Some typical betrayed spouse and cheating spouse quotes: (Read these things you posted, then put yourself in our shoes - what advice would you give if someone came to you with this story?)
"I am trying to justify this situation - who knows why."
"my wife who is otherwise a great and wonderful person"
"it's left her pretty unstable, depressed, drinking too much (not otherwise a typical alcoholic), distant and sometimes resentful of me, and spending more and more time with other people (friends, coworkers, just going out) when I am not home,"
"I don't know if I can take the risk of being with someone who is so damaged"
"it is the rock bottom she needed to hit in order to finally deal"
"... and finally become a fully functional adult and equal partner in the relationship"
"(she admits to relying on me for stability, yet sometimes can treat me disrespectfully or take it for granted)."
I know this makes us both sound crazy
We are otherwise good, down-to-earth people,
[I]"up to this point we've had a very loving relationship and happy time together."
"it's just so shocking and senseless to me."
"I guess I am trying to justify it"
"(not that ANY excuse is valid) due to her existing psychological / emotional problems"
"I may have to cut my losses and her life, sad as it will be, would be out of my hands... I have no doubt she would fall apart completely."
"I asked her to leave her job and she is looking into options"
"she begged and begged. i know the intentions and love are real and good."
"it's just i can never be sure if she's just so afraid to be alone that's the real reason she wants me to stay... "
"I know no one will be able to truly see this but my wife is / was a beautiful person inside and out and sadly has been withered to a shell of her former self due to her instability... "
He's received a ton of great advice on this thread. Leaving the job. Nc letter to om. Throwing him under the bus by writing to omw. Not getting to say goodbye to om. These are the types of consequences she has to face to show true remorse. But op is actively ignoring this advice. He's a rug sweeper. He'll figure it out soon enough after her guilt at getting caught wears off and he gets the ilybinilwy speech.