Hi forum, I dont usually use a forum for anything, but I have come home from work early today and am home alone and just lost!
Wife and I have been married 5 years, have 2 great kids and things have been perfect! My wife has been having issues with some friends of ours and they have been blaming her for this and that - nothing serious, but things that to anyone else she would stand up for herself and really 'let em have it'! But these so called friends she is letting them walk all over her.
Well yesterday it came out. Wife and I had a terrific night out without the kids and a well earned sleep in. Next minute the wife is crying and she eventually tells me that she wont stand up to her friends because they are "blackmailing" her. Wife then proceeds to tell me that 6 years ago she kissed one of my friends a couple of times (I had the mongrel as a bloody groomsman too). These so called friends bullying her knew about this and are using it against her so she cant stand up for herself.
Wife went on to tell me that this OP back then was there when wife and I were having troubles. She swore on the kids lives it was never more than a kiss and it happened a couple of times. I'm 99% sure I believe her.
I was a bad drinker back then and most times when I had a few I would go "searching" for an argument with the wife just because I was nasty! I will freely admit I "emotionally abused" her and am not proud of that. I have since then changed and am very proud of who I am today. We had our first child and he was about 6 months old when all this happened. I know if we didn't have our little man my wife and I would not be together now, as he is the reason we both worked extra hard to stay together.
The last 4 years all the hard work we have put into our marriage has really paid off, I love my wife to bits and I will do anything for her. She is the same towards me! We had what I would class as a perfect marriage!
Then this! I tried to tell her yesterday that I am fine with it, but the mind has been playing tricks on me all last night and this morning. Pictures of them kissing running through my head etc. This was 6 years ago - Should I be hurting like I am today?? Should I just forget about it and move on, or is this giving the wife either the "my husband doesn't care" or "I got a free pass" type scenario?
I don't know if asking for details of where they kissed, how they kissed, how long were the kisses, what was their hands doing bla bla bla.... Will getting answers to these help, or paint an even more vivid picture in my head! The OP is long gone, haven't seen or heard from him since the wedding to be honest. Guess this kind of makes sense now as to why he just went off the radar.
I dont want to leave my wife because I love her so much and our kids deserve a solid family life, but what do I do?? Do I just give it time and things will get better?
I suppose the other part that concerns me is the fact that if it wan't for these friends bullying her, my wife would never have told me! That hurts alot too!
If I were you, I wouldn't bring it up again, until after you have investigated. There is no sense in creating any more drama, because she WILL stick to her story, unless confronted by further evidence. But, you NEED to learn ALL you can.
I had the same discussion with my wife, that I want to know the whole truth. We can try to work through anything, but if I find out about anything from any other source it will be an instant deal breaker for me.
She stood firm and said there is nothing else out there.
Do I believe it? No. Do I have any solid proof? No.
Time is your ally here. Either something will surface or you will learn to believe her. I like the idea of the polygraph in your situation. It is a tough thing to do, to ask her to take it. But I think there is validity in the position that you are just unable to get your brain around the idea of her being blackmailed over a kiss, so the polygraph would be the way for you to gain confidence. If she is in the mode of genuinely saying she wants to do whatever it takes to get things straightened out with you, the polygraph might be the right answer.
We were engaged with 1 child, but in a very rocky time. I dont think its the kiss thats getting me upset.... Its the dishonesty for 6 years. Its just the whole punch in the guts when things seemed so right!
I'm furious at the whole scenario for putting doubt in my mind about our marriage, I really hate that!
I just want to be smacked around as much as possible right now with any truths she has about the scenario because I do not want to move on until its back to a 100% honest relationship. Thats really only going to happen if A: She tells me it did go further, or B: I somehow work out how to accept this is the truth with no doubt in my mind. Anyone got a Lie detector? lol
Thanks again for everyones input, its actually helping to process things in my mind.
The bolded part. Right there. It is about the dishonesty and deception. THAT...THAT is what is giving you these mind movies. It's because she held this secret for so long that your mind is racing wondering if there are other things that may have happened. Things to cause your "friends" to blackmail her. Let her know that she must come clean with this. Being honest today may hurt, but a lie will last much, much longer.
A polygraph may not be a bad idea. You may get more info (if there is more) by just suggesting the polygraph.
You both also need to rid your lives of these so called friends. People who bring drama into your lives are not healthy for you or your wife to be around. Even the petty stuff. It's a drag on your emotional energy.
And from past experience, with a blackmailer (who was a member of my extended family), he would encourage me to do things that would get me in trouble. And then he would threaten to tell if I didn't tow the line with him. Then I would finally confess to my parents. And the cycle would repeat. This was during my adolescence but he was older. It took me awhile to realize it was a big bluff. He lost his power when I would confess to my parents. But then would he would weedle his back into being my friend. He would convince me to do something stupid (but that would get me in trouble if my parents knew). And then he would hold it over my head. Getting me to do stuff for him. Give him things. Everything he had on me was petty stuff too. Just stuff I didn't want my parents to know. I finally had to kick him out of my life. He doesn't exist to me.
A polygraph may not be a bad idea. You may get more info (if there is more) by just suggesting the polygraph.
You both also need to rid your lives of these so called friends. People who bring drama into your lives are not healthy for you or your wife to be around. Even the petty stuff. It's a drag on your emotional energy.
And from past experience, with a blackmailer (who was a member of my extended family), he would encourage me to do things that would get me in trouble. And then he would threaten to tell if I didn't tow the line with him. Then I would finally confess to my parents. And the cycle would repeat. This was during my adolescence but he was older. It took me awhile to realize it was a big bluff. He lost his power when I would confess to my parents. But then would he would weedle his back into being my friend. He would convince me to do something stupid (but that would get me in trouble if my parents knew). And then he would hold it over my head. Getting me to do stuff for him. Give him things. Everything he had on me was petty stuff too. Just stuff I didn't want my parents to know. I finally had to kick him out of my life. He doesn't exist to me.
You are making to much of this and you are going to ruin a great marriage.
There is no way to know since the "friends" are being so petty, there is no doubt they would lie for their own various reasons.
Like you said, the two of you weren't married and weren't really together at the time anyway. You also said you would have poked someone else at the time if you had the chance. That doesn't mean she did.
You have a great circle of friends...
Anyway just grab one of those "friends" and put the burner on him/her. Squeeze for all the info you can. Preferably without the knowledge of your wife.
There is something to be said if your marriage is in a great place at this time in your life.
And the fact that you admitted that you were in a very dark place at that time in your relationship also means your fiance (wife now) was in that dark place with you.
There are times when you have to trust her. I think this is one of them.
I do not think there is anything wrong with stressing to her that she should not have held this secret for so many years. Maybe she felt it happened and it was better left alone but your "toxic" certainly used this to their advantage.
So make sure your wife understands this and you want no secrets in your relationship.
Then terminate those friends because they suck! Period.
It sounds like you guys have a great marriage and you did a lot of work on yourself. Do not forget that because a great marriage takes work everyday.
I think you handled the situation the best you could now make sure your wife feels secure in your relationship and that she can always tell you anything.....
Given the timeframe, "no real relationship back then", the OM disappeared, and your wife's behavior, you may want to get a paternity test done on your first child. If for nothing else, do it for your peace of mind.
It doesn't matter whether you were engaged or just in a relationship.
You were still together so she went behind your back and betrayed you. That's still cheating.
If there was no real relationship (as you wrote in post #10) between your wife and you 6 years ago when she kissed someone else, I dont understand why it's a big deal, why the kisses would be considered deception?
It depends if they were exclusively dating each other or not.
If I was exclusively dating someone and they were doing the same with me, I'd consider it a cheating if I found out they kissed someone else behind my back - because to me, kissing someone else means to cheat.
Well..... big night of talking with wife. I told her the importance of the truth right now. Explaining that betrayal 6 years ago is not as bad to me as lying right now.
BOOM!!!!
the truth comes out. Kissed 2 times, slept with him once, lasted a week etc. Got all the details I asked for
Got dates and location etc. I've never seen someone so upset yet look like a gigantic weight just got lifted.
Now the mind movies are going crazy, nightmares all night last night but I feel somehow better? Why? Is it because I believe her now?
We were in a relationship back then it just wasn't fantastic like now.
Now where do we go. Wife is happy to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I don't care about those friends at the moment as I have bigger worries. They only knew wife kissed this person too so wouldn't have got anywhere talking with them.
I have hit her up for any other truths because I want a lie free marriage and I believe her when she says no. I never really beloved it was just a kiss, I think I just wanted to.
I think we can work through this I'm just not sure how. I want the mind movies to stop! I want this dealt with and gone. I don't want to throw this back into my wife's face every fight we have
I love her. She's finally told the truth and I think she deserves a 2nd chance. Posted via Mobile Device
You were not married when this happened and from your previous posts you were both acting like selfish, wild teenagers at the time. So the bottom line is that you and your wife have been 100% faithful to each other since you were married.
Then decided to get married and give it 100% commitment and it seems to have worked. I think you can build a stronger marriage than you have now, since the anxiety of this secret has been lifted.
No DNA tests are necessary. Kids are mine its that simple. And yes, I do believe her. This is not ongoing still or recent as this OM is not around. I have not told her what I want to do. I have however told her I'm on a forum seeking advice and talking about it and she thought that's a good idea. She does worry that everyone would be telling me to leave her though. So confused right now. Posted via Mobile Device
I have however told her I'm on a forum seeking advice and talking about it and she thought that's a good idea. She does worry that everyone would be telling me to leave her though. So confused right now. Posted via Mobile Device
Sorry my friend but your ride in this has only just left the platform and I have a feeling it will not end up at your desired destination
Actually one short cut is possible here. I'd get her to look at this site and with her by your side go through any random 25 trickle truth stories. See her face when she's spent a couple of hours knowing her lies will eventually still get found out - if not this month then next
From a kiss to two kisses and sex. They had sex more than just once, and probably had sex since you've been married. I know you want to believe her but she lied for six years. You need to keep pressing for the truth. Ask her to take a polygraph test. Or you could use a little deception yourself and told her you talked to OM and then ask her if she would like to change her story at all?
I know what I'm saying seems mean but she's only telling you what she thinks you can handle right now, it's not the full truth.
You made a mistake yesterday, you are making the same mistake today. Jumping to conclusions and decisions quickly. Remember, she was willing to take the polygraph.
Just take a few weeks to think and see where your mind is and make the decision. Until then, tell her the marriage is on probation. If you reconcile, you need to do it properly. Right now, you are not in the right state of mind.
And not to be a bummer, she only confessed what was threatened to be exposed. While it is unlikely, make sure that there are no other men involved in the situation. Don't ask her. Use your own means to see if you can come up with any proof. And for the next few months, trust but verify.
The OM is not around anymore, he found a GF just before the wedding and they have moved on and last I heard live together happily. I am a bit of an IT guru, so trust me when I say she would not be able to hide phone calls, messages, emails, Facebook etc, I would have found it.
This is definitely not happening now.
When my wife and I met we hit it off great, she fell pregnant within 3 months, got engaged and 9 months later our boy was born. THAT was where things went pear shaped for me. I wasn't ready to be a father, I started drinking, taking amphetamines and generally stuffing up. We had issues with her ex still contacting her and she told me the way I was acting she wasn't sure if we were as meant to be as we thought. We continued on for a few months basically living together but hating each other. This is when it happened.
It came to the crunch where she wanted to decide wether I was the right person for her, and we decided to take a break. It only lasted a week until we thought for our boy we will dive into this relationship head first. We worked hard, but not hard enough leading up to the wedding. Wife told the OM when I ask him to be in wedding he is to say no, but he didn't.
We got married and still had a mediocre relationship for a few months then I really got myself sorted. All of a sudden things went from mediocre to truly wonderful. Over the next few years we worked more and more on things and so many people used to tell us they are jealous of our marriage, jealous of the way my wife looks at me and of the way I look at her. She has pushed hard for a 2nd wedding as the couple we are now is nothing like the couple we were back then. Its honestly like 2 different relationships.
We decided to have another child and we got a beautiful girl. There were massive complications on the operating table and my wife nearly died. This was yet another wake up call for us to live our lives together to the fullest. That was coming up on 2 years ago and things have been perfect! How do I know she isn't wayward now, because we don't really spend any time apart. We are married but also best friends and we also work together! Not much time for an affair there.
I know alot of you are saying trickle truth etc, and you may be right, but I'm wondering now if the details of things back then really make a difference to what we have right now?
Is it really worth me digging and pushing and put a happy marriage in jeopardy for something that was 6 years ago in a dark time?
Depends on what you want, but what about when things aren't so fantastic between you two in the future? You will need to act preemptively to protect the marriage from similar dangers in the future
I am actually pretty good at picking her body language, and she does seem genuine regarding the fact of it just being a kiss. I just have massive doubts and I'm wondering if that's from
She still stood fast though claiming if more happened she would tell me without a doubt as she wants this to all be over and done with.
I have hit her up for any other truths because I want a lie free marriage and I believe her when she says no. I never really beloved it was just a kiss, I think I just wanted to.
I love her. She's finally told the truth and I think she deserves a 2nd chance.
James, why do you think you have the truth now? Throughout this whole thread, you have spoken in such glowing terms about your wife, I am shocked that she has as many enemies as she does, or that she has any enemies at all. The way you tell it, the Museum of Honesty must be getting ready to erect a statue to her outside its doors.
Your wife doesn't look as honest and good to us as she does to you. That is understandable. You may say we are all bitter and suspicious for having been cheated on, which colors our view, but you must admit to yourself that you've been looking at your wife through rose-colored glasses, too.
The truth might not be all that important to you and, given your situation, I truly understand if it isn't. If I were in your situation, I'm not sure the truth would be all that important to me, either.
But I don't think you should delude yourself that you have the full truth. You probably don't. And you have been a little deluded about the truth throughout the entire thread here.
1. Don't be too sure that your wife's friends are only aware of the "kiss." They probably know what happened in full detail. Which is probably more than your wife has revealed to you. Do you think your groomsman, Mr. Scumbag Other Man, didn't brag about banging your wife to others in the wedding party or others in general?
2. Kissed him twice, slept with him once? Maybe. Maybe not. How would you know? You can't tell when she's lying or not. Polygraph is not 100% accurate, but probably your best shot if the truth matters to you.
"When my wife and I met we hit it off great, she fell pregnant within 3 months, got engaged and 9 months later our boy was born."
That
"It came to the crunch where she wanted to decide wether I was the right person for her, and we decided to take a break. It only lasted a week until we thought for our boy we will dive into this relationship head first. We worked hard, but not hard enough leading up to the wedding."
Along with this makes me fear WW had been cheating with OM for much more then see has said. And that your first child may be the OM's.
Wife told the OM when I ask him to be in wedding he is to say no, but he didn't.
If you believe this I have to ask if you want to buy a bridge.
"We got married and still had a mediocre relationship for a few months then I really got myself sorted."
That's because the affair was still going on. WW attentions were focused on OM. OM laying a line of bull manure on WW to get her to keep putting out but WW eventually gave up chasing OM because he would not marry her. He wanted free milk but felt her not worth the price to buy her dairy farm.
Your WW was knocked up with a lover that would not step up so she had to settle on you.
"I know alot of you are saying trickle truth etc, and you may be right, but I'm wondering now if the details of things back then really make a difference to what we have right now?"
How would you feel if what I said was true?
Unfortunately I have seen this trickle truth story play out this way all every time.
"Is it really worth me digging and pushing and put a happy marriage in jeopardy for something that was 6 years ago in a dark time?"
Worth?
You were the one that came here saying you needed the truth.
Not to be a bummer, but she only confessed what was threatened to be exposed. While it is unlikely, make sure that there are no other men involved in the situation. Don't ask her. Use your own means to see if you can come up with any proof. And for the next few months, trust but verify.
Originally Posted by James79
"When my wife and I met we hit it off great, she fell pregnant"
Was this when her ex was still trying to contact her? You say you're 100% certain that the child is yours. How do you know? I'm sorry but I think the betrayal runs far deeper than you want to think about. If you want you can sweep this under the rug and live a happy life without the truth. Maybe. But if you really start digging into this you will most likely find the truth horrific. I wish you luck on whatever you decide. I know what my decision would be... truth.
OP the decision to R or D is up to you. The choice is not easy and differs for everyone/situation.
However, if it was me, I'd want all the cards on the table. It seems that you want to believe the latest story you were told, but if there has not been any additional cheating on her part, I'd say that SanDC has hit a big point. Her OM was in the picture before you married, the paternity of your oldest is based on what... she said he's yours?? Not an insult, a question to consider.
A polygraph, or the threat of one may get you more answers, but you may have more unpleasant news ahead. Up to you if you want to keep digging, depends how important all the answers are to you.
Also, a paternity test, or the threat of one may also yield more information.
I think a spouse owes the truth, but my XWW would certainly disagree
Good luck
WD
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