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Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

41K views 76 replies 34 participants last post by  WorkingOnMe 
#1 ·
Hi forum, I dont usually use a forum for anything, but I have come home from work early today and am home alone and just lost!

Wife and I have been married 5 years, have 2 great kids and things have been perfect! My wife has been having issues with some friends of ours and they have been blaming her for this and that - nothing serious, but things that to anyone else she would stand up for herself and really 'let em have it'! But these so called friends she is letting them walk all over her.

Well yesterday it came out. Wife and I had a terrific night out without the kids and a well earned sleep in. Next minute the wife is crying and she eventually tells me that she wont stand up to her friends because they are "blackmailing" her. Wife then proceeds to tell me that 6 years ago she kissed one of my friends a couple of times (I had the mongrel as a bloody groomsman too). These so called friends bullying her knew about this and are using it against her so she cant stand up for herself.

Wife went on to tell me that this OP back then was there when wife and I were having troubles. She swore on the kids lives it was never more than a kiss and it happened a couple of times. I'm 99% sure I believe her.

I was a bad drinker back then and most times when I had a few I would go "searching" for an argument with the wife just because I was nasty! I will freely admit I "emotionally abused" her and am not proud of that. I have since then changed and am very proud of who I am today. We had our first child and he was about 6 months old when all this happened. I know if we didn't have our little man my wife and I would not be together now, as he is the reason we both worked extra hard to stay together.

The last 4 years all the hard work we have put into our marriage has really paid off, I love my wife to bits and I will do anything for her. She is the same towards me! We had what I would class as a perfect marriage!

Then this! I tried to tell her yesterday that I am fine with it, but the mind has been playing tricks on me all last night and this morning. Pictures of them kissing running through my head etc. This was 6 years ago - Should I be hurting like I am today?? Should I just forget about it and move on, or is this giving the wife either the "my husband doesn't care" or "I got a free pass" type scenario?

I don't know if asking for details of where they kissed, how they kissed, how long were the kisses, what was their hands doing bla bla bla.... Will getting answers to these help, or paint an even more vivid picture in my head! The OP is long gone, haven't seen or heard from him since the wedding to be honest. Guess this kind of makes sense now as to why he just went off the radar.

I dont want to leave my wife because I love her so much and our kids deserve a solid family life, but what do I do?? Do I just give it time and things will get better?

I suppose the other part that concerns me is the fact that if it wan't for these friends bullying her, my wife would never have told me! That hurts alot too!
 
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#2 ·
Will you divorce your wife because she just " kissed another man " over six years ago?

I doubt it.

Would so called friends try to blackmail your wife just because she kissed another man over six years ago?

I doubt it.

Would you have come here if you were 99% sure it was " just a kiss " ?

Your mind is telling you something....
Time to talk to her friends and,
Find out the truth.
 
#5 ·
I agree, my heads telling me to look into this more. I feel this is due to my past 2 serious relationships - I WAS the unfaithful one.

I actually work with these people who are holding this against her. It is just bickering and childish crap, my wife knows a lot of their secrets and one of them put a status on FB saying about skeletons in the closet. Now that my wife has told me she was more than happy for me to say something to these others letting them know that I know, or letting them break this to me only for me to say that "yeah I know". So based on that, and how transparent my wife has been with this whole thing I'd have to say that yeah, it was just a kiss.

I came here basically wondering if what I am feeling now is normal. Am I normal for thinking of just forgiving and forgetting and moving on?
 
#6 ·
I think "blackmail" was a bit of a strong wording, more threatening her that if she lets anything slip they would tell me about this. Thus making her just cop their crap. Obviously she doesn't have anything this serious on them, the whole argument is childish.
 
#8 ·
Well say friend "1" and "2" have an argument - they confide in my wife - Its more stuff like friend "1" tells my wife that friend "2" is ripping of the government for child support. Friend "2" tells wife friend "1" drank drove home the other night.

It's petty crap like that, every time these friends fight they dump and backstab the other one to my wife. Now they realise my wife knows quite a bit about them and they have all had a falling out the other friends are concerned my wife will spill all. Its really hard to explain, but its not life and death stuff, nor is it going to cause world war 3, its just lots of petty crap. As I said, the wife, now she has told me, is more than happy for me to discuss this with these friends...... Shouldn't that show a sign of honesty there?

I think that its that my wife is USUALLY so honest and perfect that my friends do not have any dirt on her, besides this! The fact she has heaps of dirt on them and the whole friendships had a falling out - they are grasping at the one secret they have.
 
#10 ·
Would people think I was mad for thinking it wouldn't really matter what it was that happened, and I just wanted to forgive? As i said earlier, I was certainly no angel, alcohol, drugs, violence (towards other males - not my wife) I was certainly an absolute pig. I kind of see it as something I deserved for my lifestyle back then. My wife and I had no real relationship back then, but we decided after a little split just before our marriage that we would give it 110% so we can never look back with "what ifs". We did work hard, and it has paid off, it is an entirely different relationship now.

The other little nagging thing is the wife asked me if I would have cheated on her back then if opportunity arose, and I told her give me an hour to think. Looked through photo albulms etc to bring the memories back of myself, and I answered her honestly - Yes , I would have. She was not asking me to justify herself, just out of curiosity. She doesnt know I'm upset today, I have just let her believe all is fine today.
 
#20 ·
The other little nagging thing is the wife asked me if I would have cheated on her back then if opportunity arose, and I told her give me an hour to think. Looked through photo albulms etc to bring the memories back of myself, and I answered her honestly - Yes , I would have. She was not asking me to justify herself, just out of curiosity. She doesnt know I'm upset today, I have just let her believe all is fine today.
This conversation sounds like she is working up the courage to tell you more. I think she is trickle truthing you. The kiss may actually be a BJ.

As to forgiving her, she is your wife. You ultimately do what is best for your family.
 
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#11 ·
Sorry you had to come here, friend.
Your wife has to come clean. Of course there's more. I feel you won't divorce her even it "worse" happened. Likely it happened, but she needs to come clean. Almost every wayward in the world will minimize thier involvement, invariably they trickle the truth. Damage control is in our genome. Try to make a safe enviroment for her to make clean (even if you have to fake or lie about it).
You can also do some snooping to find out some of the truth. Does your wife has facebook or comunicate by email with the so called friends? (Later will help you to make a rational decision about them if you keep reading and posting here. Not be in a rush and act impulsively). Get the paswords of her email/FB acounts..., put a keylogger anyway in the labtop/PC, get a hold to her phone texts. Now she fessed up sure enough they will talk (maybe she will start standing up for her self). They will be in fights/arguments about it. You need to be in the front row to learn how it develops nad get your info.
You might even try to trick some of the so called friends (posing as your wife). OK, abusive "friends" are bullying her, they are cowards but you can use them for a while at your adventage. If I were you or your wife I'd dump them ASAP, even with a little of cold revenge, but not before you get your info.
 
#13 ·
If it was me I would try to set up these so called friends, have your wife plant a VAR and go meet them for some drinks and record the convo.

What are these so called friend gaining by pushing your wife around? Are they making her do thing? Is it some kind of humilation game they are playing with her?

Any way no not sweep this under the rug, and face this head on. there are issues here and if not addressed now they will re appear year down the road.

You already have mindmovies of what happened, you need to face them and get the details of this "kiss" out in the open. The mind movies are tough but the fact of not knowing the details will not help you move on.

You have to get all of this on the table, learn from it and get the help that will affair proof the marriage.

I did not face my wifes 1st affair and she started up again, years later with a different guy.

There are consequences that need to be faced and buring your head in the sand will no solve a dam thing. Your chick needs to see how hurt you really are...again another consequences.

As painful as it is open this can of worm up, and yes it will be painful for your wife also, to relive this shameful behavior....again another consequences.

The both are screwing around with your marriage by not facing this head on and learning from it.
 
#14 ·
So the "friends" can dump there problems and talk about each knowing your wife can't tell. Thats some lame crap.

The big issue is affair proofing the marriage and get the help to understand why your wife has boundry issues or the lack of.

Screw this lame crap about the "blackmail" you have bigger fish to fry in getting your wife the help she needs in prevent kissing other men from happening again.

See my friend that is the bigger issue here.

Get it? I'm talking preventive maintence in your marriage.
 
#16 ·
The questions you should be asking your wife are:

"Why would these friends think that you kissing a few times would be enough to break up our marriage?"

"If I tell your friends that you came clean to me about kissing other man a few times six years ago, and I ask them how they could even think I would be that upset about a few little kisses all those years ago, what will they say? Will they tell me it was more than just a few kisses?"
 
#19 ·
The questions you should be asking your wife are:

"If I tell your friends that you came clean to me about kissing other man a few times six years ago, and I ask them how they could even think I would be that upset about a few little kisses all those years ago, what will they say? Will they tell me it was more than just a few kisses?"
This is pretty much EXACTLY what I put to her, trying to bluff her into more info - and she said that it would be fine, she said it would be kind of funny to see their reactions.
 
#17 ·
Thank you so much to you all, you are amazing people to be helping out a total stranger who is feeling low.

The wife and I have always had a "free for all" relationship regarding facebook, emails, phones etc. She doesn't delete anything and I always use her FB for games etc as I do not have one. She never EVER hides her phone, if she gets a message and I'm near it she will tell me to check it for her, so being deceptive is not a problem!
 
#18 ·
It's kind of ironic, but if I was to list a million people who would cheat, my wife wouldn't come close to making the list, and if we were to tell any of her or my family or friends it would be total disbelief. She is such an amazing person, wife and mother. It took me a long time to see this and appreciate it, maybe a little too long.
 
#21 ·
Wife then proceeds to tell me that 6 years ago she kissed one of my friends a couple of times (I had the mongrel as a bloody groomsman too).

Your wife let you get married in front of these people who knew she "kissed" other man. These "friends" don't seem very tight-lipped, so I would assume others knew also - family members of these "friends," boyfriends/husbands of these friends, other close friends of theirs. And your wife let you have this other man in the wedding party knowing this.
 
#38 ·
The OM and WW betrayed you and then your WW and him kept quiet and let him be in the wedding party how sick. You need to ask your WW why did she allow this betrayal to be part of your wedding.

As said before when a WW starts to spill a little truth it's known as trickle truthing. Your WW fears more truth may come out so she tells you a little of what happened to prevent you from digging for more info. Then if one of the "friends" comes forth with did you know what WW and OM did will result in you saying yes I know WW told me all about it. Then the friend then lets it go with out spilling any more info.

Edit to add this is why you must get a polygraph test done.
 
#23 ·
The last 4 years all the hard work we have put into our marriage has really paid off, I love my wife to bits and I will do anything for her. She is the same towards me! We had what I would class as a perfect marriage!
.
.
.
I dont want to leave my wife because I love her so much and our kids deserve a solid family life, but what do I do?? Do I just give it time and things will get better?
Well you really did not have the perfect marriage because she was hiding a very big secret. Big enough she was able to be blackmailed over it.

I am pro marriage and pro family, and I also am in favor of taking it slow in making any decisions in your kind of situation. It appears to be something far in the past, so there is no rush.

This "kiss" is obviously bothering you. I think you should see a good marriage therapist who is experienced in dealing with infidelity. You were a drinker and you did crappy things in the past, but that does not erase the fact that she kissed another man. It was still a dis-loyalty to you, to your marriage, and to your family. I don't think you need to flog her over only a kiss, but you do need to process it emotionally. The good news is that you currently have a good marriage and you both have every reason to work productively to get over this. And it is a good opportunity for you both to deal with any left over issues with your behavior towards her in the past.

The other option is for you both to declare everything back then as forgotten and forgiven. If you do this, you have to genuinely accept that the worst case may have happened and that you are able to leave it all in the past.

The one thing you should not do is just ignore it. I think you both need to discuss it and discuss how you both feel about everything involved.
 
#24 ·
James, forgiveness has nothing to do with finding out the truth. You can forgive if you want, but you will never, in a million years forget, unless you know ALL that occured. Do you want your marriage to be filled with doubt and suspicion, or do you want a marriage free from dirty, little secrets? It's up to you.
 
#28 ·
I am actually pretty good at picking her body language, and she does seem genuine regarding the fact of it just being a kiss. I just have massive doubts and I'm wondering if that's from thinking about it over and over in my head. I spoke with Wife earlier and explained that I'm having so much trouble with wether or not it was just a kiss - I told her that I'd probably prefer it to have been all the way and leave nothing to the imagination! She still stood fast though claiming if more happened she would tell me without a doubt as she wants this to all be over and done with.

I discussed also how the truth always finds a way of getting out no matter how much time it takes, and also let her know that if I find out more happened in a month, a year or 10 years that there will be no doubt that I will leave. Not because of the cheating, as that was many years ago, but because of the lies when our marriage is in a good spot.

With everything I have thrown at her and the chances to fess up she still seems quite legitimate that it was "just a kiss". She is at work ATM so maybe another chat later may help.

The only worry I do carry is what if it was just a kiss, and I'm pushing her so hard basically calling her a liar over and over that she ends up cracking the Sh*** with me and this makes everything worse?
 
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