Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-22-2012, 06:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

Hi forum, I dont usually use a forum for anything, but I have come home from work early today and am home alone and just lost!

Wife and I have been married 5 years, have 2 great kids and things have been perfect! My wife has been having issues with some friends of ours and they have been blaming her for this and that - nothing serious, but things that to anyone else she would stand up for herself and really 'let em have it'! But these so called friends she is letting them walk all over her.

Well yesterday it came out. Wife and I had a terrific night out without the kids and a well earned sleep in. Next minute the wife is crying and she eventually tells me that she wont stand up to her friends because they are "blackmailing" her. Wife then proceeds to tell me that 6 years ago she kissed one of my friends a couple of times (I had the mongrel as a bloody groomsman too). These so called friends bullying her knew about this and are using it against her so she cant stand up for herself.

Wife went on to tell me that this OP back then was there when wife and I were having troubles. She swore on the kids lives it was never more than a kiss and it happened a couple of times. I'm 99% sure I believe her.

I was a bad drinker back then and most times when I had a few I would go "searching" for an argument with the wife just because I was nasty! I will freely admit I "emotionally abused" her and am not proud of that. I have since then changed and am very proud of who I am today. We had our first child and he was about 6 months old when all this happened. I know if we didn't have our little man my wife and I would not be together now, as he is the reason we both worked extra hard to stay together.

The last 4 years all the hard work we have put into our marriage has really paid off, I love my wife to bits and I will do anything for her. She is the same towards me! We had what I would class as a perfect marriage!

Then this! I tried to tell her yesterday that I am fine with it, but the mind has been playing tricks on me all last night and this morning. Pictures of them kissing running through my head etc. This was 6 years ago - Should I be hurting like I am today?? Should I just forget about it and move on, or is this giving the wife either the "my husband doesn't care" or "I got a free pass" type scenario?

I don't know if asking for details of where they kissed, how they kissed, how long were the kisses, what was their hands doing bla bla bla.... Will getting answers to these help, or paint an even more vivid picture in my head! The OP is long gone, haven't seen or heard from him since the wedding to be honest. Guess this kind of makes sense now as to why he just went off the radar.

I dont want to leave my wife because I love her so much and our kids deserve a solid family life, but what do I do?? Do I just give it time and things will get better?

I suppose the other part that concerns me is the fact that if it wan't for these friends bullying her, my wife would never have told me! That hurts alot too!
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Old 07-22-2012, 06:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

Will you divorce your wife because she just " kissed another man " over six years ago?

I doubt it.

Would so called friends try to blackmail your wife just because she kissed another man over six years ago?

I doubt it.

Would you have come here if you were 99% sure it was " just a kiss " ?

Your mind is telling you something....
Time to talk to her friends and,
Find out the truth.
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Old 07-22-2012, 06:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

Dude, sorry to say this, but there is a lot going on that you don't know about. Nobody blackmails somebody over a kiss 6 years ago, that much is bullsh*t. It was undoubtedly more than just a kiss, and you need to find out what and how much there actually was.
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Old 07-22-2012, 06:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

I honestly don't think people would blackmail someone over a kiss. My bet is either it was a long term affair or there are other guys involved too.
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Old 07-22-2012, 06:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

I agree, my heads telling me to look into this more. I feel this is due to my past 2 serious relationships - I WAS the unfaithful one.

I actually work with these people who are holding this against her. It is just bickering and childish crap, my wife knows a lot of their secrets and one of them put a status on FB saying about skeletons in the closet. Now that my wife has told me she was more than happy for me to say something to these others letting them know that I know, or letting them break this to me only for me to say that "yeah I know". So based on that, and how transparent my wife has been with this whole thing I'd have to say that yeah, it was just a kiss.

I came here basically wondering if what I am feeling now is normal. Am I normal for thinking of just forgiving and forgetting and moving on?
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Old 07-22-2012, 06:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

I think "blackmail" was a bit of a strong wording, more threatening her that if she lets anything slip they would tell me about this. Thus making her just cop their crap. Obviously she doesn't have anything this serious on them, the whole argument is childish.
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Old 07-22-2012, 07:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

Compared to her kissing another man, what are they trying to hide. How bad is it, comparable?
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Old 07-22-2012, 07:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

Well say friend "1" and "2" have an argument - they confide in my wife - Its more stuff like friend "1" tells my wife that friend "2" is ripping of the government for child support. Friend "2" tells wife friend "1" drank drove home the other night.

It's petty crap like that, every time these friends fight they dump and backstab the other one to my wife. Now they realise my wife knows quite a bit about them and they have all had a falling out the other friends are concerned my wife will spill all. Its really hard to explain, but its not life and death stuff, nor is it going to cause world war 3, its just lots of petty crap. As I said, the wife, now she has told me, is more than happy for me to discuss this with these friends...... Shouldn't that show a sign of honesty there?

I think that its that my wife is USUALLY so honest and perfect that my friends do not have any dirt on her, besides this! The fact she has heaps of dirt on them and the whole friendships had a falling out - they are grasping at the one secret they have.
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Old 07-22-2012, 07:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

That must've been some kiss to be blackmail worthy after six years.
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Old 07-22-2012, 07:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

Would people think I was mad for thinking it wouldn't really matter what it was that happened, and I just wanted to forgive? As i said earlier, I was certainly no angel, alcohol, drugs, violence (towards other males - not my wife) I was certainly an absolute pig. I kind of see it as something I deserved for my lifestyle back then. My wife and I had no real relationship back then, but we decided after a little split just before our marriage that we would give it 110% so we can never look back with "what ifs". We did work hard, and it has paid off, it is an entirely different relationship now.

The other little nagging thing is the wife asked me if I would have cheated on her back then if opportunity arose, and I told her give me an hour to think. Looked through photo albulms etc to bring the memories back of myself, and I answered her honestly - Yes , I would have. She was not asking me to justify herself, just out of curiosity. She doesnt know I'm upset today, I have just let her believe all is fine today.
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Old 07-22-2012, 07:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

Sorry you had to come here, friend.
Your wife has to come clean. Of course there's more. I feel you won't divorce her even it "worse" happened. Likely it happened, but she needs to come clean. Almost every wayward in the world will minimize thier involvement, invariably they trickle the truth. Damage control is in our genome. Try to make a safe enviroment for her to make clean (even if you have to fake or lie about it).
You can also do some snooping to find out some of the truth. Does your wife has facebook or comunicate by email with the so called friends? (Later will help you to make a rational decision about them if you keep reading and posting here. Not be in a rush and act impulsively). Get the paswords of her email/FB acounts..., put a keylogger anyway in the labtop/PC, get a hold to her phone texts. Now she fessed up sure enough they will talk (maybe she will start standing up for her self). They will be in fights/arguments about it. You need to be in the front row to learn how it develops nad get your info.
You might even try to trick some of the so called friends (posing as your wife). OK, abusive "friends" are bullying her, they are cowards but you can use them for a while at your adventage. If I were you or your wife I'd dump them ASAP, even with a little of cold revenge, but not before you get your info.
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Old 07-22-2012, 07:53 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

Cross posted with you. Now I have a clearer picture.
Quote:
now she has told me, is more than happy for me to discuss this with these friends...... Shouldn't that show a sign of honesty there?
I think so. It's unlikely hey have more onto your wife.
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Old 07-22-2012, 07:53 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

If it was me I would try to set up these so called friends, have your wife plant a VAR and go meet them for some drinks and record the convo.

What are these so called friend gaining by pushing your wife around? Are they making her do thing? Is it some kind of humilation game they are playing with her?

Any way no not sweep this under the rug, and face this head on. there are issues here and if not addressed now they will re appear year down the road.

You already have mindmovies of what happened, you need to face them and get the details of this "kiss" out in the open. The mind movies are tough but the fact of not knowing the details will not help you move on.

You have to get all of this on the table, learn from it and get the help that will affair proof the marriage.

I did not face my wifes 1st affair and she started up again, years later with a different guy.

There are consequences that need to be faced and buring your head in the sand will no solve a dam thing. Your chick needs to see how hurt you really are...again another consequences.

As painful as it is open this can of worm up, and yes it will be painful for your wife also, to relive this shameful behavior....again another consequences.

The both are screwing around with your marriage by not facing this head on and learning from it.
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Old 07-22-2012, 07:59 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

So the "friends" can dump there problems and talk about each knowing your wife can't tell. Thats some lame crap.

The big issue is affair proofing the marriage and get the help to understand why your wife has boundry issues or the lack of.

Screw this lame crap about the "blackmail" you have bigger fish to fry in getting your wife the help she needs in prevent kissing other men from happening again.

See my friend that is the bigger issue here.

Get it? I'm talking preventive maintence in your marriage.
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Old 07-22-2012, 08:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?

It is perfectly OK for you to want to forgive your wife, but you may want to consider knowing a little more about what exactly you're forgiving about.
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