1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?
1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?
I think it's because they consider their WS as too much of a good person, they are too high a pedestal, and will lash out.
Prior to the affair, you try saying anything bad about my wife, anything, you'd be shot down in flames.
I used to go with the 'people don't know about our relationship, only we know what we are really about'
Now I realize it translates to 'I'm in complete denial about how much of a ***** my wife is'
1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?
I think that it is mostly because people like to hear that there is hope, and that there is this magic wand that can make all bad things go away like a bad dream or something.
People want to believe in goodness, they want to trust and they want good things to happen to them. Therefore it is very hard to face reality when it is being described by an outsider.
I think you are a good devils advocat (maybe a bit harsh at times, but so be it), so keep on making your point. I still think it helps somehow.
1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?
1. Truth hurts and many can't see in the distance like guys with more experience can.
2. R or D depends on the BS. People here can advise but it's pretty much on their head. I wouldn't say there is an emphasis, but since R takes much more hard work you see more posts about it. A quick D requires almost nothing. Only a few people consistently advise R.
3. Because many BS had years of emotional dependency. Some are even openly abused. It's like that typical police intervention where they go to arrest a wife beater and end up having to fight the beaten wife too.
4. Don't see people here blaming the OP. What i see is people saying to the OP to get his act together in several areas (boundaries, personal pride, legal etc). You must remember that many BS come here totally destroyed. They need a direction and peeps in the forum give a hand. It's like guiding a shell shocked soldier around.
5. See answer to 3. A large number of OPs come to the forum first because they want to avoid it or have it in a softer way. Or they want to learn how to gather evidence to be sure. Most BS don't come to post in a forum. They go out and bust some...
What puzzles me is when a BS replies in a rude way to a poster who's just trying to help the BS.
They are like "oh, do you think I don't know the WS did this to me? Do you think I'm naive? Do you think I don't know it? "
If they know all these then why are they here in the first place to seek for help?
__________________ Shaggy: Men of integrity don't have affairs. They don't have affairs not because there aren't other wonderful women out there besides their wives, they don't have affairs because as men of integrity they choose not to.
1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?
It's the tendency of human nature to want a happy ending for their stories. It takes a while to give up on that narrative and accept that the story up to that point might have been entirely different than the one they believed they were participating in, as it's unsettling to realize that your past reality was experienced much differently than how it actually was. Suppose you were playing a role in a Shakespeare play, for many years, and then you were shown a video clip of your acting, and it turned out that instead of playing a role in a Shakespeare play, you were actually a guest on one of those late night shows. It would take quite a while to rearrange the experience to fit the new facts.
One's future depends on the continuation of the past as experienced in the future. So clinging to the past story is more or less clinging to sanity. Without a constructive narrative of our life, we enter chaos. Most people are not comfortable with the feeling of being completely unhinged. So it takes a while to change the story of the past in one's head.
1. Why do people come to TAM, for advice then complain about that advice? 2. Why is so much of the emphasis placed on R instead of personal development? 3.When BS and WS couples come here, the BS almost always ends up defending the WS, why? 4. Why blame the OP? Unless married themselves, He/she did not cheat. 5. Why are most BS so reticent about confrontation?
1. Because they are wounded and unprepared to deal with having to respond with infidelity. It's a shock to all of us BSs when this happens. Life is going by somewhat routinely, then BOOM! The partner in the marriage, the one person, their companion, has sought affection outside the marriage. What does that mean? What do they do? VAR? keylogger? what? It's all so fast and the information given here is a lot to absorb, so some resistance is generally expected at first.
2. Because once the rug has pulled out from under them, and they see that there is an OW/OM in the marriage, they want them out and they want themselves back in. Why? Because their whole life is intertwined with their WS, so the first response is to maintain the marriage and the "worst case scenario" would be to seek a divorce, because of its finality.
3. Because, other than the cheating, the WS had qualities that the BS loved, and its human nature to defend the WS at first (regarding the other qualities) at first. He/She cheated, but was a good provider, good with the kids, etc. It is hard to break those habits and admit that the WS committed a "deal breaker". Reality sucks for a BS.
4. You got me. As you said, it's not the OP's fault that they are now in the position of a BS. Perhaps it has more to do with whether the OP is willing to act upon the advise given here? Or maybe the OP has expressed an opinion that the advise given here is wrong? In those cases, I can see some people here "blaming" the OP for his/her resistance to excellent advise, or to "shake the fog".
5. The BS is having to face a crisis due to a WS. Then they are expected to be the "grown up" and take action immediately sometimes without even the opportunity to "lick their wounds". For those of us who have been through this, we know the emotional toll that this takes, and some of us (if we could get away with it) would rather walk away to gather our thoughts, rather than act NOW and think later.
I wish I had known of this place on the onset. Instead I muddled through it all but have found that the advise given here is sound, practical, and given by those who have also experienced the same thing. I trust it. For a "newbie" who finds this site and posts a story, the responses here are what is needed, whether the "newbie" knows it or not. We are here for them.
Sometimes the "delivery" isn't what they expected, but the advise is dead on.
This thread is good for the Infidelity section why? To further humiliate people who are otherwise in difficult situations and don't listen to every bit of advice given?
I mean, for me personally, when I started the thread of Q&A for Regret and me, someone chimed in and said "I DO NOT hope you can reconcile."
So, if a BS get's a little bent over things like that said or nothing but innuendo thrown in, I can see where they would have issues with certain advisers.
As a noob on the board here, I kind of think it's silly that some posters think that their join date means they have all the answers. It's almost as silly as this thread. In the Infidelity section. Where it serves nothing but the OP's passive aggressive issues.
I mean, for me personally, when I started the thread of Q&A for Regret and me, someone chimed in and said "I DO NOT hope you can reconcile."
.
Obviously, the one who wished this on you must have either been a troll or someone who was just enjoying your suffering.
And because of this poster, you seem to prejudice some members here whose intentions aren't anywhere close to what this poster was hoping for.
__________________ Shaggy: Men of integrity don't have affairs. They don't have affairs not because there aren't other wonderful women out there besides their wives, they don't have affairs because as men of integrity they choose not to.
Obviously, the one who wished this on you must have either been a troll or someone who was just enjoying your suffering.
And because of this poster, you seem to prejudice some members here whose intentions aren't anywhere close to what this poster was hoping for.
Actually it was Badblood on page 4 of the Q&A thread.
__________________ Shaggy: Men of integrity don't have affairs. They don't have affairs not because there aren't other wonderful women out there besides their wives, they don't have affairs because as men of integrity they choose not to.
That was a bit disappointing to be honest. I didn't really expect it from him.
It is disappointing. Especially later on when I'm chastised for not being perfectly "polite" cuz I use the f word too much and it was taken personally when it wasn't meant that way. Then, to make things more passive aggressive, subsequent posts that Badblood made reference him being polite - even after editing a post, that little blurb that gives a reason for editing...it was "I prefer to be polite."
Actually it was Badblood on page 4 of the Q&A thread.
That's not a surprise.
Usually people who say they "hope" you don't reconcile are people who think the WS crimes are so heinous that they should be punished by permanent banishment.
That said, there are times when I, or others, advise that D is the best option. But that is because the BS is suffering to the point where it is not healthy and the WS is unremorseful.
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5 Things that puzzle me 
), so keep on making your point. I still think it helps somehow.
