I've been to this site off and on but never registered. Recently I found out my wife was having explicit chat with a friend of hers. The guy doesn't live in our state. I confronted her about it and made her write a no contact email in front of me. I also saw the reponse he gave. She says it only lasted two weeks but if I didn't find out I wonder how much longer it would have gone on.
I've started to go to counseling by myself. She has also been going by herself. I told my counselor everything and she gave me a book to read about the five love languages. Interesting read by not very helpful at the moment. The question I have is how do I get over this? How do I start to trust her again? I stopped checking for things like history because it only drives me bonkers. She wouldn't allow me to have access to email, facebook, or phone. I want to trust her but I am having a difficult time to reconcile my feelings. I keep thinking of what they wrote to each other and it sickens me.
I'm not exactly sure if there is a hard and fast answer to this but I guess I'm just looking for a listening ear.
No consequences = no motivation to change. What you're doing is rugsweeping.
She also refuses to be transparent, yet another red flag. I would say the affair is still on, its just underground, this is very common after the initial DDay. And if she cannot maintain NC, then there's no way any R can succeed. All you will be doing is going into False R. You MUST verify NC.
If you've been on this site off and on, then you have an idea about what we're talking about here.
So sorry you're here. Unfortunately, your wife is not remorseful and has suffered no consequences. If there is not full transparency, there will never be a recovery. You need to figuratively smack her up side the head. If she isn't going to be transparent. You don't have a marriage to hang on to. Threaten divorce and if she doesn't comply, file. But if you are unwilling to file don't threaten.
You guys are right. I think I knew that I needed her to be transparent and when she refused access, I gave in. I told her she could have access to my things but she still refused.
REFUSED? Oh h*** no! I've been accused of being to soft on my FWH but the one thing I knew up front, before ever finding this site was that if I couldn't see everything he did then I no longer cared what he did. He could move to VA and live with her and her screwed up in the head husband.
She is in control! She has no right to control! She has no right to privacy! Call a lawyer for a consult, make the appointment. Tell, don't ask her, that you want full access or you are going to file for divorce. Then tell her what time your appointment is and that she has until then to give it up. If she doesn't go see the lawyer.
A remorseful WS doesn't deny access! She's playing you and you got a choice, be played or become the conductor!
She doesn't need access to your things. It's not some argument about mutual trust and privacy, it's just you sticking your nose in will ruin her affair.
Plus continued denial of access to all paths she could use to communicate with other men (yes "men" not man) indicates that what you found is just the tip of the iceberg. She is hiding much, much more from you. The longer you let her get away with this, the longer she has to cover her tracks (delete hidden email, skype, IM accounts. Clear history of chats. Delete messages). Giving you access to accounts now means she did delete everything and feels OK with you looking - for now.
How can you trust her again? Sorry but you can not.