Just prepare yourself when you listen to the VAR, when you get the evidence your body will go into shock.
RESIST WITH EVERY URGE IN YOUR BODY TO CONFRONT WHEN YOU FIND OUT. Go directly to a lawyer, and gather as much information and evidence as you can.
bff - this is some great advice that you may have missed with all of these replies flying in. I didn't find an EA/PA, but I did read my W's words trashing me pretty hard to several people. It was hard not to confront her on that. The crap you may hear on the VAR...you may want to drive over and kill your "friend." Brace yourself each time you listen to the VAR, and keep your cool. Don't blow your one chance.
JB - the $ differential is big - at least enough to be a motive. Thanks for the follow up messages. I'm NOT going to sweep this under the rug. I'm NOT going to hide my head in the sand. I am going to get a VAR immediately (already on order from Amazon - mailed to work on a biz CC so she can't track it) and see what I can find. The only way for me to keep my sanity now that I've seen the phone records is to think of this as a challenge - to gather evidence - to outsmart them both.
Thunderstruck - I did catch that when it was posted. I can just imagine that it will be very very difficult not to confront them both immediately, but I'm angry enough now to take a long view and not let my emotions get the best of me. I understand I only have the element of surprise on my side until I say something, so I'll do all that I need to do before I say something.
On a company laptop? She'd just take it to be fixed, and they'd ID tampering right away.
He'll do it after she comes home from work, and puts it back in before she leaves the next day? I doubt they'll be able to determine screws that hold the back cover have been tampered with.
The point is to get her to use another computer with a keylogger since he has no access to anything written so far.
Plan to be gone one Saturday. Tell your wife about a week before that on that day you will be out all day on some pretense. Plant a hidden video camera in the bedroom and a voice activated recorder in the house somewhere where she usuall talks on the phone.
Trap her and him either doing the deed or talking about it.
Is the laptop physically locked or is it just locked by password? Do you know what they would use in order to communicate with each other (Skype, AIM, etc). You might not even need a keylogger to find what you need. If you need some help, post in the gathering evidence thread:
bff - this is some great advice that you may have missed with all of these replies flying in. I didn't find an EA/PA, but I did read my W's words trashing me pretty hard to several people. It was hard not to confront her on that. The crap you may hear on the VAR...you may want to drive over and kill your "friend." Brace yourself each time you listen to the VAR, and keep your cool. Don't blow your one chance.
Sorry you're going through this.
This!!! I put a VAR in my wife's car. When i started listening to it, I didn't have to even hear her words, to put me over the top. I'd been monitoring her cell records and knew she was 't talking on HER phone....so any words on the VAR just HAD to be a burner phone. As soon as I started hearing her talking, I completely lost it!!! I just couldn't control myself. I had EVERY intention of gathering more evidence....and blew it right there. It is easy to SAY you won't react. You have to steel yourself for the absolute WORST....and DON'T react. Easier said than done.
Good luck. Oh...and don't wait for Amazon delivery....go to Walmart tonight!
__________________ Davelli0331:If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
BFF I'm going to give you some advice fresh from a guy who had to hire PI's, do VARs, hire lawyers and what not.
I"m not a lawyer, just an intelligent guy who according to his lawyer is, "the most proactive mother f*cker I've ever met."
First, I will repeat again, your body will go into literal physical shock when you find the evidence. You can not control this reaction, you will want to die. You will probably start shaking and you will be extremely angry and hurt. Be prepared for this, in that I mean don't listen to this sh*t upstairs 5 minutes before she comes home, or god forbid, at work like I did. Go to a hotel or friends house or park or somewhere secluded where you can give yourselves a solid 30-60 minutes to lose your sh*t.
Second, you need to find the divorce laws in your state. In many states now, adultery has absolutely no bearing in the divorce. In these states, should you live in one, spending money on PI's, VARs, and what not is a complete waste of time and money. If you live in a no-fault state, after speaking with a lawyer about the situation to verify what I'm going to say, get the evidence you need to feel good about ditching her ass, and then stop.
The other thing I learned, which I'm surprised no one on TAM mentioned, is that it is a felony and federal offense to audio record a conversation you are not a part of. I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying you don't want to play it for her. Don't share it with your friends, don't tell anyone you heard it. You can put a nanny cam in your house with no audio, but using a VAR is a crime. Just want you to know that up front so you can be smart about it.
As far as VARs go, I got mine at Walmart and it worked great. $50 and they had a few, I would spend the money here on this stuff and just go nuts. Stash one everywhere. Why? Because a VAR costs $50, and for $200 you can get absolute piece of mind anywhere she could be.
If you live in a no fault state and your lawyer says it won't matter in the divorce, then don't bother with a PI. It's effing expensive, like a few thousand for a retainer. For the money you'll spend you can put spy cameras all over the house (with no audio), GPS devices, etc. for a fraction of the cost and even better proof (actual sex).
Hell even if you live in an at fault state, when you're pissing away a few thousand to prove adultery, spend the few hundred to put nanny cams everywhere.
Just remember, you can't use the VAR stuff in court, and it is a crime, so don't rely on it as your evidence of the affair if you need it. You can confront her that you know what's going on and record the conversation where she admits it, but you definitely don't want to do that without talking to a lawyer first.
Good luck, glad you're not in denial. And also don't expect to make a decision on reconciliation up front either. Because you may feel different about it after you find out. Just make sure whatever decision you make you take things slow, and remember that you can change your mind either way throughout the process (assuming she doesn't keep whoring around).
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Re: wife and best friend having (at least) an EA 
